Stay at home parent

[123mother]

Why do people think a stay at home parent doesn't work? That they have so much time on their hands? Am I wrong in thinking I have less of a break then my partner brining in the pay check

Plenty of working couples manage that though. It has nothing to do with 1 parent being a SAHP.

Move on.

eurgh… yes they can 🙄

My point is that with someone in the team taking on that effort so that the other person then has the ability to focus entirely on their work it’s a form of facilitation isn’t it? I know that when my spouse takes on that effort so I can concentrate on work I am entirely grateful. I am in awe of couples where one has a demanding career and the other has to pick up a lot more slack than say - two office workers with a child.

Look at military couples for example, the non military spouse will always pick up more of the slack to enable the career of the serving personnel. The effort parties give to the family unit can be recognised even if it’s not necessarily OBVIOUSLY financial.

It depends, strictly speaking no, it isn’t work as we generally define it (generating income). Whether or not it’s more stressful and draining than being employed, that would depend on circumstances.

I’ve been on both sides (although I was a uni student so I was definitely busy as hell) and frankly I found it less stressful to be a FT working single parent. I’d never put myself in the hands of someone else committing to divide ever again (but I appreciate others can be more fortunate).

It shouldn’t be referred to as women’s labour in general. I’m on mat leave and my husband is still doing plenty of the childcare when he isn’t working. How is being a stay at home parent benefitting society more than being a working parent?

Which brings us back to the OP....

It's always going to be harder doing that while also working. Not saying SAHPs don't have value. If it works for your family, great. It's what's best for us as a family atm. But it is ridiculous to say a SAHP is working harder than a working parent.

Thank you for your reply! I didn’t want my post to be any longer than it already was so I should clear up a few things.

My mum wasn’t just a single working parent that I saw in the evenings, she was a business owner and often worked away from home for extended periods. So from eleven years old I would be coming home to an empty house at night, having to make my own dinner and wash my own uniform etc. It was quite an extreme example of having a working parent I’ll admit. Would be classed as neglect nowadays.

I’m very sorry to hear about your mum, she sounded very unhappy and we probably both felt like a burden or the cause of that unhappiness. My mother, when she was at home, was always on the phone working and dismissing me to get something done so interactions felt forced and honestly, I barely knew her. I don’t think she meant to be like that, she just wasn’t naturally maternal. I wouldn’t have wanted her to be a SAHM if I’m being honest- I wanted a parent that loved being a parent.

I don’t think anyone should have to stay at home of course, I don’t think I could do it personally, I just think it should be valued more in society. I don’t think working parents are worse parents, or that you can’t parent properly and work, and I’m sorry if it came off that way. I think if you have to/want to work and you can still balance being there for your children, that’s absolutely perfect for you. I don’t think our way is the right way, or even possible, for everyone just that my experience of it was awful.

DH and I both work full time (I work in education and am term time only which helps).

My children are school age and so if one of us was a SAHP life would be easier as so many chores and so much life admin could be done in the 7 hours a day that the children are at school. Between work and the children’s after school activities there is so little time in the working week to get everything done. Also, if of them is sick or has any kind of medical appointment it is really hard to juggle.

BUT there are so many nuances to parenting and life and it isn’t one size fits all, everyone’s living a different version of parenthood.

It’s not about if one benefits more than the other, it’s the fact that one is deemed less than the other because it’s not an obvious economic benefit.

I’m not getting into a male vs female debate on this as it’s tiresome.

I left the thread for real life and yep - it has gone the way of all these threads before it.

Plus ca change and all that.

I feel like it's either based on the fact that if all the kids are in school/nursery then being at home all day isn't actually that difficult tbh if the person is in good health and doesn't have other commitments or caring duties etc.

Another thing I see a lot is people saying they were a stay at home parent and it was easy and they such had a lovely time painting and baking and going to feed the ducks. With their one child 😂 Sorry for anybody that offends. I am aware that all children are different but I have heard this a lot and it almost always comes from parents who are at home with one, fairly easygoing child. Then you'll get the people who will tell you they had 17 children, all at home with them and it was still easy and stress free so they don't know why anyone claims it is hard work🙄

Personally, I have been a stay at home parent for around 6 years give or take a couple of short periods when I was in paid employment. I have had various combinations of young children at home with me during that time but always at least 2 of them. The most difficult time period was when I had 3 under 4 years old (not at nursery or anything so literally all day every day) and I was pregnant. I was so relieved for school starting when I was 7 months pregnant I can tell you! I can honestly say that being at home with multiple small children and trying to keep the house intact is definitely the hardest job I've had though.

I’m temporarily a stay at home parent as I’ve been unemployed for a few months, it isn’t work, just was washing my own hair or cleaning my own clothes isn’t work.

Frankly I can’t wait to be in work again (in two weeks!), today I went for a run with the dog, when I got home the house was empty as our oldest was at school and our youngest had half a day at pre-school. I got home washed a few clothes, had some food, walked to the gym and spent an hour there. Got home, put the washing in the drier, watched some olympics, sat outside and had a snack and a smoke before the pre-school pick up. We walked to a cafe for lunch (half days don’t include lunch), play park on the way home, we’d been home maybe 45 minutes when our son got home from school and about twenty minutes later my husband got home.

No pre-school tomorrow, so I’ll be out earlier so I’m home before my husband leaves for work, we’ll do soft play in the morning, lunch at the park, a film and snacks after lunch and I’ll offer to pick our oldest up from school, he’s almost guaranteed to say no as I’ll cramp his style. I’m yet to have a job where I get to smile and wave at my daughter while she shows me her ‘moves’ at softplay.

As PPs have said, this ridiculous conversation has been rumbling on for ever and it only harms women. We all have choices to make. Sometimes our choices are limited, and we do what we have to do.
I have 2 grown up kids. I worked part time when they were young. No option to be a SAHM but I would have if I’d had the option. I’d have loved more time when they were young.
But I had to work, and also looking back, I’d have been stuck in my marriage for longer if I didn’t have enough earning potential to leave when it was over.
My friend was a SAHM because she had no childcare. She’s stuck with her husband whom she doesn’t like for financial reasons. But she did what she had to do at the time. Her son has SEN and she definitely put in a shift at home. Think about your daughters and ffs stop this insane comparison so they don’t have to feel inadequate for working or staying at home.

This is a sensible and balanced post. I am a so called SAHP and find it really annoying when people say that they work full time and still do everything I do. It's absurd to suggest that they are doing everything I do and also a full time job, Just as it would be absurd for me to claim I am working 'as hard' as someone with a full time job. The two lifestyles are not comparable, they are different enterprises. I am not merely doing domestic chores (although I do a lot of that).
Our choices and lifestyle are interactive and interdependent. Most of the world does not have the luxury to choose whether or not to work for income. If we had needed 2 incomes to cover the cost of our choices, they would have been different choices. .We actively chose to have 4 children in 6 years,. keep multiple pets and to take on a house project. Now the children are all at school and as we live rurally I spend the majority of my afternoon and evening driving them to extra curricular activities (again , out of choice) If I was doing a paid job, someone else would have to be paid to do wrap around, cleaning, cooking gardening, dog walking. I know I can be there for the children and I also know many families with two professional parents who are, but it will be in a different,individually characterised way. I don't have the right to criticise them. Please stop and think how offensive it is to slate other women for choosing to exercise the very great privilege of building a life for their children without being paid.

These threads always end up with comments by people telling us about both adults in their family working full time, fitting in housework, admin, date nights, promotions, helping with homework, packing lunches, making dinners, transporting children to clubs plus time with kids. They manage it so why can't you?

I have done it and it is nothing to write home about. It is endless drudgery and compromise. No wonder young people don't want children anymore. The only bit I liked about that part of my life was the children and I resented everything else. Once childcare got more expensive than my salary, I went very part time. I was so much happier because I could cope with my life and enjoy it. I have increased my hours as the children have got older. It did rather mess up my career though.

An SEN pre-schooler than any NT baby,toddler and preschooler. I will be needing a few off to recover when he goes to school!

Where's OP? Dropped and ran away?

"I guess if it was so easy to be a SAHP - more men would do it."

This one.

Exactly this! Young kids? Then yes, it’s absolutely work. But if you have kids at school, then you have a whole 5/6 hours a day free 5 days a week, so no, not work.

And I bet men don’t have these debates 😬

No one really thinks that do they? Maybe some men do.
I do think that being a stay at home mum
must be immensely challenging. Physically difficult at some stages, but more so emotionally. It must feel tedious and isolating sometimes. And I don’t necessarily think that stay at home parents of school age children or teenagers have it easier either. There almost seems to be this view than women should return to work the minute their kids hit school age. But it’s not easy to find a job that fits with school hours. Not everywhere has before and after school provision. And there is still housework and cooking and life admin that stay at home parents do while kids are at school.
I suspect the labour of stay at home parents is worst for those whose partner uses the excuse of working outwith the home to do absolutely nothing in terms or childcare or household tasks in the morning or when they return home. So for those parents their working day starts at 7am or earlier and finishes whenever their kids go to bed. Or later/never if they have bad sleepers. Not 9-5 that’s for sure.

Not necessarily. Housework, for example.

Up to school age absolutely don't envy you. Loads of things going on to keep the little ones occupied and teaching them. If you are in a position to do it's that's lovely for you and the children.

Once they're as school you're just unemployed

Lol imagine most men even thinking of these things. My husband does at least have the good grace to admit that what I do is harder than his paid employment 🤭

I don't even try anymore to get much done during the day because it's just impractical but that means I'm spending every evening until around 9/10pm tidying up, preparing for the next day and trying to do "life admin" yet somehow it is never all done. I've started putting my youngest into nursery 2 days a week now so I can actually breathe and try to piece the house, life and myself back together 😂

Why do you care what other people think? If it's an arrangement both you and your partner are happy with (I would always advise being married though, unless you have your own assets/private income etc), does it really matter? I was a SAHM until ds nearly 8yo. He was in preschool 5 days a week from the age of 3y, then into reception at 4y 🤷‍♀️. Dh and I were quite happy about our arrangement so anyone else's opinion was neither here nor there.

Homework, studying, voluntary work, work done for a good cause for free (pro bono legal work for eg). Territorial Army, community policing, Any work done in advance of payment without guaranteed payment eg scientific study independently conducted, speculative writing, forms of artistic, musical and other creative work of many kinds. Any entrepreneurial enterprise or start up in the early phase. I am also pretty sure that looking after children is considered work, even if it is not paid for.