DS injured self and framed another child!

[Aquiet]

My 12 year old DS has just admitted something that’s left me feeling quite unsettled. Last night after wrestling club he had a badly bruised hand and told us that a girl he was practicing with had slammed his hand in a door. There was a lot of upset, anger and fallout as you’d imagine. She was adamant she didn’t do it. The staff have now put the situation under investigation as there is no cctv in the area it happened.

I let him have the day off today because of his injured hand. He has now admitted that none of this was true. He slammed his own hand in the door deliberately and blamed her out of jealousy. They have been put together to practise for a couple of sessions now and she dominates him every time they practise. She was singled out for praise and given star of the week twice in a row. He says he felt embarrassed and humiliated and acted out without thinking it through.

On the one hand I’m relieved that no one else actually hurt him. On the other, I’m really worried about the lying, the deliberate self-injury, and the fact that he was willing to falsely accuse someone else because of jealousy.

He says he’s sorry and seems genuinely remorseful now, but I can’t shake how serious this feels. Is this “normal” poor decision making for a 12yo with big emotions, or something that needs firmer intervention? Obviously I’m going to have to let them know that the poor girl hasn’t done anything but I’m worried they will kick him out of the club.

I don’t know if it’s normal as it feels a bit extreme, but kids are stupid and aren’t known for their decision making skills ! He needs punishing though as that poor girl could’ve got into loads of trouble snd she was totally innocent !

Sorry OP i dont have experience of teen boys, but it sounds like it was particularly emotionally painful for him to have been bested by a girl, so wonder if there are some ideas around gender there to challenge?

You may just need to accept that him being thrown out of the club is a fair consequence. Martial and physical arts are about good sportsmanship and self control, and he has shown a severe lack of that and will need to accept whatever comes.

Edit to clarify not just martial arts

oh my - that poor girl. She could have got into SO much trouble - thank goodness for cctv. I don’t know what to advise re your son - I would be upset myself if it was my son. Sorry Op.

Id say this is normal (as in hes not a sociopath etc) but still serious to warrant the bollocking of a lifetime and suitable punishment, starting with an apology to the girl.

Hope you are going to tell them as soon as possible

It’s extreme for a 12 year old I would say, and certainly requires firm intervention to ensure it doesn’t happen again. If they remove him from the club as a result then I’d say that’s fair and deserved, after all the girl could have been kicked out of the club- minimum- had they believed his lies and aside from that particular instance I’m not sure anybody else would want to work with him now for fear that they will be the next person accused.

I agree with PP there is work to be done on this at home too. Why his mindset is such that he is so bothered by not being “the best” that he would go to these lengths to bring someone else down.

My gut feeling is that it's in the realm of normal, but of course I'd be worried too.

Mine lied hard at 12, to get attention. I was angry and worried. Part of the problem was impulse control. They did something dumb and made up a lie to cover it up. Put that way, it's definitely 12-year-old normal. But being such a sore loser, and then lying about it, is not a good way to make friends. And doing violence on yourself is a very poor coping strategy.

I'd email the club straight away and tell them you're keeping him away for a week to show you're serious about addressing the lie. At home, I'd use the week to talk through his feelings and how he coped with them.

There's no CCTV covering the area it happened so the girl hasn't been cleared and it's under investigation.

OP if they kick him out they kick him out- he's going to have to face the consequences of his actions. I would maybe be looking into some mental health wellbeing courses/work to help him look at ways to cope with uncomfortable feelings

I can see why you're so worried because it really isn't normal behaviour. However, the fact he's come clean knowing that the consequences will range from either severe (being chucked out of the club) or just being mortified by everyone knowing what he's done means that he's got enough of a conscience to know how wrong it was. I think a good calm chat with him about how serious it is and about how he can never ever repeat this sort of behaviour again, not just at martial arts but throughout life. It's a good life lesson if nothing else.

It’s worrying because it seems that his main issue is that she is a girl, and she is better than him and he can’t stand that. I would be really very concerned about that attitude starting at his age.

And to frame her to have her punished, simply for being better than him. When you don’t mention he has ever had any issues with any boys at the club previously.

What sort of content does he watch on social media or YouTube? What are his friends like? He is starting down a very misogynistic path, and you need to do something here.

If you’ve got the money, I would be going to counselling with him.

At 12 he's still young but there was a level of planning and intention here that he's old enough to understand and to have worked through.

I would be pleased with him for having told you the truth quickly, you need to work through the impulses that led to him doing this, particularly to understand if he would have done it if he was being beaten by another boy rather than a girl, you can't let this type of thing go as to me that's the most concerning bit.

It's so tough, I'm sure you're really upset and embarrassed, I do think it's good that he's come clean quickly. Especially as there is no cctv as it's not like he was going to get "caught" so I would take it to mean he's at least remorseful.

I think he probably needs to come clean straight away, he needs to apologize as publicly as he blamed (ie if he shouted you about it in front of everyone then he should be made to apologize in front of everyone).

But also if he gets kicked out of the club he needs to take it with good grace, he will have lost trust.

This.
He has got VERY angry about a girl being better than him. That’s quite concerning.

This actually, never even considered that side of it

I'd have him apologise to her and admit that it was just because he was jealous of her success.

I'd find a good punishment that would last twice as long as he was lying to me for. So if he's been lying about it for a week, he would be phoneless, or whatever you pick, for two weeks.

He would not be returning to that class if he can't handle anyone being better than him at it.

There is some concerning misogyny in there if this is all because a girl beat him. Why shouldn't a girl be just as good or better than a boy? That needs addressing pronto.

My son's cricket team was a victim of a boy who didn't like losing and made up some nonsense about their team swearing at him. It wasted a lot of the coaches time and obviously the boys were indignant. Has your ds apologised to the girl and coaches?

I would be very upset by this. It is a major red flag, he needs to speak to a professional as that level of rage and lying is very serious.
I would have him apologise to the girl and his coach. I definitely wouldn’t make it fluffy or pander to him as you don’t want to indulge this character flaw. Good news is he can learn to deal with emotions in a positive manner with the right help.
I told a similar lie as a child, the consequences made me never do it again.

@SargeMarge I think it is because she was a girl. He never explicitly said it but he did mention a few days ago that there’s been more girl star of the weeks than boys in recent months even though there’s way more boys. That could be on his mind.

And tbh op he may well get kicked out, id be surprised if he didnt, but it will be a good life lesson for him, as harsh as it will be for you to witness.

Good shout on checking what hes accessing online but having seen personally and heard about, from both boys and girls, this behaviour isnt hugely unusual so I wouldnt worry too much about what this one incident means beyond him having lack of impulse and emotional control.

Obviously if he has fell into the manosphere bullshit then I take that back!

I assume the first thing you did was contact the club and tell them?

Oh no OP, I'd report the 'update' to the club immediately, if he gets kicked out, so be it, actions have consequences. If he doesn't then there needs to be a very heartfelt apology to the girl and the club from DS.

I too would be concerned about the underlying misogyny here and have a look at some resources to help with that.

I dont think that's normal at all and I think its very extreme. He needs to be made to say sorry direct to the girl and the teachers.

I worry that if he’s making things up like this at the age of 12, it could develop into resentment or hostility towards women in his future relationships.

He deserves to be kicked out as well.

I'm glad he's told you. He needs to know it's better that he's told the truth as well as being told it's absolutely unacceptable to lie in the first place, to purposefully get someone else into trouble and to use his frustration in this way. Acknowledge that it does feel challenging if someone else is better at something but that the correct response is to channel that into your own physical training and to respect the other person for their ability.

Tell the wrestling coach people ASAP.

@CurlewKate I haven’t yet but I will tonight.

@Megifer I do look at his devices and he’s never looked at anything concerning. This “manosphere” rubbish is new to me and I’ve no reason to think he’s seen it.

How did you respond to that?

I’m a single mum of 2 boys, so I know how difficult it is to keep an eye out for this. But because of what these boys are exposed to now, if you’re not careful, you really have to be on top of it.

Complaining that girls are receiving star of the week more often than boys would trigger a discussion in my house about why that may be; the unfairness against girls in the past and the difficulty of keeping girls this age involved in sport etc. And then also that boys of this age will be hitting puberty, creating advantages, so those girls holding their own is deserving of star of the week. And also the obvious; that the girls have been better recently and actually deserved the award which is the main reason for it. It’s a difficult chat because you don’t want them thinking the girls got it “just because” but I also want my boys to understand that they may not have built the patriarchy hill, but they stand on top of it simply because of their sex.

Obviously you don’t want to go to far and have a narrative of “boys are shit” so still be full of pride and praise for all they do, whilst ensure they are empathetic towards other people and women without jealousy and meanness and all the rest of it.