DS injured self and framed another child!

[Aquiet]

My 12 year old DS has just admitted something that’s left me feeling quite unsettled. Last night after wrestling club he had a badly bruised hand and told us that a girl he was practicing with had slammed his hand in a door. There was a lot of upset, anger and fallout as you’d imagine. She was adamant she didn’t do it. The staff have now put the situation under investigation as there is no cctv in the area it happened.

I let him have the day off today because of his injured hand. He has now admitted that none of this was true. He slammed his own hand in the door deliberately and blamed her out of jealousy. They have been put together to practise for a couple of sessions now and she dominates him every time they practise. She was singled out for praise and given star of the week twice in a row. He says he felt embarrassed and humiliated and acted out without thinking it through.

On the one hand I’m relieved that no one else actually hurt him. On the other, I’m really worried about the lying, the deliberate self-injury, and the fact that he was willing to falsely accuse someone else because of jealousy.

He says he’s sorry and seems genuinely remorseful now, but I can’t shake how serious this feels. Is this “normal” poor decision making for a 12yo with big emotions, or something that needs firmer intervention? Obviously I’m going to have to let them know that the poor girl hasn’t done anything but I’m worried they will kick him out of the club.

OK so if I was you, id obviously tell the club asap - dont wait any longer - and tell them you'll support any action they wish to take (as hard as it may be) talk to him more about how the poor girl must be feeling and ideally he'll realise himself he needs to apologise.

I personally wouldn't jump in with counselling etc if this is the only incident he's had like this but carry on keeping an eye on what he's up to to make sure it doesnt escalate into something more worrying.

I remember quite a few incidents like this, kids hurting themselves or getting friends to slap them or whatever to get someone else in to trouble. Kids can be ruthless to each other and very stupid.

All behaviour is communication. He's obviously got some issues going on. Puberty is a tricky time.

Instead of being worried he'll be kicked out, think of the poor bugger who's been accused of something she hasn't done. Nobody is going to want to partner him now OP. Hes lost the trust.

The natural consequence is for him to leave the club and find another one, hammering home the message that he can't do shit like that.

Or get his coach to have some stern words with him

Slamming his own hand in the door and causing himself pain and bruising, in order to exact revenge, is absolutely not normal.

The only glimpse of light is that he felt bad enough that he came clean to you. So yes, he has to also come clean to those who run the club, and to the girl and her parents.

But I don't think it can end there. That kind of forethought and deliberately injuring himself, needs further investigation.

Mixed sex wrestling just when they are hitting puberty doesn't seem like a great idea.

I would be worried about the deliberate self harm. It sounds like it might not be the sport for him if it is causing that much anger/distress.

He should absolutely be thrown out of the club for this. Can you imagine if another child had done the same to yours? Would you want them to be allowed back into the club?

I would take him to therapy over this. At his age it's very worrying, although good that he admitted it eventually

Go see the club coach.
He deserves to be kicked out for the rest of this term
Maybe he needs some mh support but you cannot have him continuing in the club til he truly understands his actions
Imagine the girl in this story and how she feels

I’ve trained in martial arts for years and our instructor years ago dealt with something similar around lying. He threw the liar out of the club, as he couldn’t ever trust what they said again. Courtesy and integrity Is front and centre in what we do, the child had neither.

Your son should be thrown out, it’s what he deserves, who there will ever trust what he says again. If he isn’t, you should remove him.

Hard lesson, but it’s what he needs.

Update

In terms of the comments about the misogyny, I’ve just been speaking to him about it to see if any anti feminist content is being mentioned at school, he said no but just admitted he was upset that the girl was better than him, he’s noticed that the girls keep beating boys in general and that the last boy star of the week was in December. So yes it is a misogyny issue.

@HushTheNoise the girl is actually 10.

@CinnamonBuns67 I’ve just been talking to him about seeing a GP or even a school nurse but he said he doesn’t need to, it was a one off and he was crying. He’s promised he will never do anything like it again. I don’t really know what to think.

No cctv in that area.

Sorry but your son should be kicked out for awful behaviour. You need to absolutely nip this burgeoning misogyny in the bud.

He intentionally with considered thought and planning hurt himself to manipulate a situation. Not normal!!! Not normal!! Please get professional advice.

This.
How vindictive of him.
Nip this in the bud now.

I think lying is within the realms of normal behaviour. What is far from normal is deliberately injuring yourself with the intention of blaming someone else in order to get them into trouble.

I would be very concerned that this is related to his attitude to women and girls. If he's injuring himself now to get a girl into trouble what he us going to do in a few years when he is bigger and stronger and quite capable of inflicting injury on her.

I would take this very seriously and he deserves to be thrown out of the club. If his attitude doesn't change he poses a real risk to girls.

@Aquiet no this is not normal.
Your son decided to intentionally injure himself so he could frame an innocent girl for the crime of being better than him at wrestling. He tried to destroy her sporting career and potentially get her arrested for assault and/or ABH all because she's better than him.
Please let that sink in.
At best your son is a misogynistic bully and him being kicked off the team (which he should be and permanently banned from the sport) is the least of your problems, your son is a walking red flag. What else will he do when another girl/woman beats him at something or gets better exam results?
That boy needs serious consequences that shouldn't be reduced because of his crocodile tears and self pity, his disappointment, frustration, perceived humiliation and/or anger at being beaten by a girl doesn't minimise or excuse his behaviour infact they make it worse

I really feel for this young girl and her parents who still aren’t aware that she has been cleared of her alleged crime. She must be feeling awful.

He’s told you and that’s great.

He’s got into deep and turned to his mum because he needs help, and he trusts you to know that he’s a good kid who did a stupid thing. Don’t let your anxiety cloud that.

He’s changing, and his awareness and understanding of the world is expanding. There’s a lot he doesn’t know. You are absolutely the best placed person for him to work out his feelings about girls/this girl with.

I never start with punishment - I listen, I connect, and I let the need for punishment and atonement surface in them, so they’re learning the really important lessons of relationship repair, and taking the consequences square on.

He’s done some good things here. He’s recognised he needs help. He’s approached the right person. He’s stopped this instead of letting it snowball - build on those good things, because judgement like that is what he needs to bring forward out of this.

But remember that this came from feelings of humiliation and jealousy so don’t drive him back into himself by humiliating him further.

I have a DD and a DS. If my DS did this I’d be stressed out my mind and so worried. So you have my sympathies.

However, if a boy did this to my DD, I’d be angry beyond words and want him kicked out the club. The idea of explaining why this happened to my DD, at age ten, breaks my heart. I’d be devastated if this happened to her.

Sorry OP, this sounds really worrying.

He was angry enough at losing to a girl to injure himself and lie about it.

I'd be very, very surprised if he wasn't absorbing manosphere/incel content from somewhere - just from the fact he's noticing/keeping track of the gender of who gets star of the week.

Is his Dad around? Older brothers etc? What sort of attitudes is he getting exposed to at home?

Hopefully, the club does kick him out. It's the least he deserves.

I’d be extremely concerned that your son is showing such misogynistic behaviour towards a girl.

I think you have to focus on that you are really proud of him coming clean and owning up (because that is what you want to encourage) but that it's also really important to put things right and so you want him to speak to the club organiser privately and then apologise to the girl. That in itself is going to be punishment enough IMO - but i would explain that the club may decide that he's not allowed to go anymore.

There are other ways he could have handled this much better and I think it's important to discuss those. He could have spoken to you, he could have asked his coach to be paired with a boy next time or if he wasn't enjoying the club any more he could have asked to stop going. Blaming a girl or anyone else for his issues wasn't the right thing to do.

I don't think mixed sex sports past primary age are a great idea personally. By that age they're aware that women are biologically weaker and to be beaten by a 10 year old girl is bound to sting. Teens are also often huge liars, I told my mum so many lies. I don't know why people don't think this was a poorly thought through spur of the moment thing because it sounds like it was to me.

Just get him to put the situation right, I'm pretty sure he's learnt a huge lesson here and you don't want to push him into feeling more resentful and bitter. He needs you to have his back and show him the right way.

She needs to know right now that he has admitted accusing her falsely, and he needs to apologise to her in person. Too bad if he is upset or jealous about being beaten by a girl. That's life. He needs to get over it. and in a decent way. If he gets thrown out of the club, too bad.

He's 12, of course he will have seen it or been shown it by friends.

It's really disturbing that he went to these pre planned ( not spur of the moment) lengths to get another club member into trouble because they were a girl. If he doesn't get kicked out then you should stop the classes anyway.

I'd be very surprised if their hasn't been any warning signs that he felt this way about girls, I'd have a think back if I was you as this can't have come from nowhere.

Finally, I'm not sure of thought process behind a wrestling club putting 12 year old boys and girls together to engage in close physical contact. That's an accident waiting to happen in my opinion. I've never even heard of a wrestling club, certainly don't exist in my city.

I would also be concerned about the misogyny on display here, questioning what he is watching and who he is associating with.

I think therapy is a good idea.

There wasn't any CCTV, as per the OP. So the girl could have been in a lot of trouble I'd he hadn't decided to admit it.

It's very concerning behaviour OP. Your son seems to know that you are susceptible to his lies. I would suggest he apologises by letter to the club and the girl and sucks up whatever punishment is coming to him. I would expect a temporary ban at least. He deserves it.