DS injured self and framed another child!

[Aquiet]

My 12 year old DS has just admitted something that’s left me feeling quite unsettled. Last night after wrestling club he had a badly bruised hand and told us that a girl he was practicing with had slammed his hand in a door. There was a lot of upset, anger and fallout as you’d imagine. She was adamant she didn’t do it. The staff have now put the situation under investigation as there is no cctv in the area it happened.

I let him have the day off today because of his injured hand. He has now admitted that none of this was true. He slammed his own hand in the door deliberately and blamed her out of jealousy. They have been put together to practise for a couple of sessions now and she dominates him every time they practise. She was singled out for praise and given star of the week twice in a row. He says he felt embarrassed and humiliated and acted out without thinking it through.

On the one hand I’m relieved that no one else actually hurt him. On the other, I’m really worried about the lying, the deliberate self-injury, and the fact that he was willing to falsely accuse someone else because of jealousy.

He says he’s sorry and seems genuinely remorseful now, but I can’t shake how serious this feels. Is this “normal” poor decision making for a 12yo with big emotions, or something that needs firmer intervention? Obviously I’m going to have to let them know that the poor girl hasn’t done anything but I’m worried they will kick him out of the club.

It would be slander. If the 10 year old could establish damage has been done to her reputation. Which it wont be.

And while I know its a known and beloved sport on MN to kick an op while they're down theres really no need to chat absolute and utter nonsense. No one is going to lawyer up over this 🙄

It's got nothing to do with single vs mixed sex sports. Contact sports competition should be sex segregated.

These are kids learning and practicing and at the moment the girl clearly has superior skill. The boy cannot tolerate that. He cannot beat her so he's tried to punish her. It's the calculated nature of what he has done and why which is concerning.

BTW, if he does get kicked out, I'd find another club he can join where they might teach him a bit more about respect and sportsmanship!

I wouldn't wait for him to be kicked out, he'd lose that club after going in, telling the coach what really happened, and apologizing.

He tried to get someone into serious trouble because he was mad a girl won. He injured himself to do that. So you've got misogyny and self harm to deal with. What if he turns that anger outward physically?

I'd get him into therapy ASAP. I think this is a huge overreaction to losing and there's underlying issues causing problematic behaviour that need to be addressed by professionals.

I do both actually, boxing AND martial arts, no difference in martial arts or boxing in that context.

If you think I am defending misogiy, then be consistent, and don't come crying when your daughters will lose at sport against boys - or self-identifying female or whatever the term will be.

I am not accepting it. It's such a ridiculously simplistic and lazy vision, we have absolutely nothing to win in here if we pretend to be "equal".

I don't believe for a second anyone with common sense will be in favour of gender neutral sport, and will be happy to see women against men in racing, martial arts, tennis, swimming because they pretend they are fighting "misogyny".

I really hope that you have contacted someone by now and put this poor girl out of her misery. She must be distraught! Imagine if the situation was reversed and no one thought it important to let you know your child was innocent.

Very sensible .

Proud!?

jesus Christ this is why parenting is going down the pot these days. Why on earth would you focus on being proud about simply coming clean and telling the truth? It should be an expectation, not something to be proud of.

he premeditated and planned getting this girl kicked out due to his issue with a female 'winning' and him 'losing.' It's misogynistic and disgusting behaviour and he should be kicked out of the club because of it. Anyone who is normalising this is part of the problem.

there's absolutely nothing to be 'proud' of here.

Why are you waiting until tonight ?

You should have let the club know as soon as you did.

I can't believe you think it is okay to let the club officials and the coaches, to continue to be working on investigating this and working out what to do. Let alone the poor girl and her family.

Wow. How selfish.

The best thing he could do is go with you in person to own up to the coach.

A really good sports coach will respond in a constructive way and it will help your son face up what he did, take accountability, face the consequences, and feel proud of owning up and telling the truth which takes character. Everyone does stupid stuff but not everyone owns up to it and it's really good that your son did. It's probably a sliding door moment about learning to handle his emotions or choosing the negative way out.

I don't think with kids that its the mistake that is the biggest thing - it's how they act after the mistake that counts. Telling the girl he's genuinely sorry counts for a lot too.

People saying hes a nasty piece of work, well he might become one if that's what he's told he is off the basis of this mistake but that's what sports coaches, fitness coaches etc think of as part of the job - getting the best character wose out of kids.

Unfortunately he does.

What we can’t know though is whether he’s a nice enough chap who has made one terrible mistake, or, as the scion of a family of uncouth, violent yobs, this is leaned behaviour.

The fact that the error was not IMMEDIATELY reported does skew the perception.

Yep this.

permissive parenting at its finest.

Aquiet
Just read your posting and it's because she's a she and he's not liking that as she's good which leaves him feeling inadequate
What he did was so wrong
That poor girl deserves a full apology and has to realise never to pretend she's lesser so as to keep the peace. Well done her for constantly defending herself some kids would've almost just laid down to be slaughtered
I think you feel unsettled because you know there's a whole big wide web out there spouting unsavoury man talk and he may heard some
Ever seen "Adolesence" on I think netflix?
I read what you wrote and suddenly remembered this series
It's good he eventually admitted what happened but, I honestly think he may need to talk to someone about this scenario.
If he hurt his own hand
May not think twice about anyone else's

Below ages 12-13 the physical differences between boys and girls are much smaller than between men and women, which is why under 13s are often mixed sex.
At the age they are technique and strategy are more important when it comes to success, rather than strength and stamina.
Men win in women's sports because they are stronger, bigger, have more muscle mass and greater lung capacity.
This is misogyny and your post is misogynistic bs

Oh, he will definitely have seen, or at least heard, the rhetoric by age 12, believe me! It's absolutely rife amongst his age group. It needs serious addressing pronto. Even if he hadn't been exposed to it in any way, he will be soon, and he already has a problem with the girls doing better than the boys at that club. In the world today girls are surpassing boys in almost every measurable way so, if he can't handle that now, he's in for a long road of that getting worse and worse which may well, ultimately, lead him down the manosphere path himself, as he already has jealousy and resentment towards girls. People that feel like that usually seek out an echo chamber online to try to validate their feelings. A dangerous path for sure! Does he have any sisters or girl cousins?

My husband just showed me a video of a man who has murdered his partner crying because he's going to miss the release of GTA 6. He says, on camera, "At least I admitted it!" I wonder if PP would be proud of his honesty too, if he was her son.

OP is more than likely thinking “shit how can I spin this to protect my reputation”.

In fairness the club itself may not be open or contactable until later. When DS did martial art the earliest session was 4.30pm. That said if there is an email or phone number available I would be sending a message asap.

Now you're aware that there is an issue with misogyny, maybe do some research on how to address that with boys. After Adolescence was released there were loads of resources flagged for parents on daytime TV news/chat type shows in the UK as it was a real talking point/hot topic for several weeks. Maybe have a search online and see what help and support you can get for yourself in terms of how to navigate and address his dangerous thinking on this. Does he have any female friends or relatives his age? What's he like with them? What's the family dynamic like in terms of gender roles and behaviours in your own household? Does he only consume "boy" content/games/toys? I really notice a difference in behaviour with boys who have grown up only watching "boy" cartoons and playing with only boys and "boy" toys/games. So much is conditioning from a very young age.

This

I have 3 sons who have been in married arts from a very young age. They've have been beaten by girls and it's not bothered them in the slightest.

Where has he learned that it's not good to be beaten by a girl? That's not something that is a natural thought. That's a learned belief. Find out who taught him that and you're part way there to solving the problem.

@Aquiet I'm the mother of older boys. One is now an adult, the other a teen a couple of years older than your son and I have to tell you, despite you not seeing anything on his phone, this screams of the manosphere.

I urge you not to underestimate how insidious, dangerous, and fast-moving this red pill stuff is. I was so shocked by how much my sons were exposed to even just from listening to other lads their age. This stuff is designed to brainwash them, and the fact that a girl beat him in a physical sport and that was his reaction is a massive red flag. Catch it now.

we spend our lives teaching our boys that they must never lift a finger or touch a female, don't be so disingenuous. But it's only one way, is it.

Since when do we pretend that boys and girls are identical, and that it's ok to behave the same way towards them?

Is that how you raise your boys? no wonder we have problems.

Everyone knows grown males have far superior ( esp upper body strength) & of course should not box women .
This isn’t what happened here .

You seem to be arguing that if a little girl has superior skill in a mixed martial arts class for children she shouldn’t be surprised if a slightly older boy gets angry about that and goes to planned lengths to pretend she injured him deliberately to get her into trouble?
Lordy .

Has the recent campaigns, of talking to your sons about the woman hating culture that is being pushed, passing all the excuse making, boy mums by? This is a real issue. We've all lived through times were all a boy had to do was say he'd had sex with a girl and she'd be shunned/bullied. All this is the start of a boy/man being entitled to harm a girl/woman because of his feelings. It's the start of dangerous thinking.