DS injured self and framed another child!

[Aquiet]

My 12 year old DS has just admitted something that’s left me feeling quite unsettled. Last night after wrestling club he had a badly bruised hand and told us that a girl he was practicing with had slammed his hand in a door. There was a lot of upset, anger and fallout as you’d imagine. She was adamant she didn’t do it. The staff have now put the situation under investigation as there is no cctv in the area it happened.

I let him have the day off today because of his injured hand. He has now admitted that none of this was true. He slammed his own hand in the door deliberately and blamed her out of jealousy. They have been put together to practise for a couple of sessions now and she dominates him every time they practise. She was singled out for praise and given star of the week twice in a row. He says he felt embarrassed and humiliated and acted out without thinking it through.

On the one hand I’m relieved that no one else actually hurt him. On the other, I’m really worried about the lying, the deliberate self-injury, and the fact that he was willing to falsely accuse someone else because of jealousy.

He says he’s sorry and seems genuinely remorseful now, but I can’t shake how serious this feels. Is this “normal” poor decision making for a 12yo with big emotions, or something that needs firmer intervention? Obviously I’m going to have to let them know that the poor girl hasn’t done anything but I’m worried they will kick him out of the club.

I am not arguing that at all, I am sorry if my point is too difficult to understand for you?

No one said the act was remotely acceptable, merely replying to posters screeching that "being embarrassed because it's a girl it's a worry".

Even before they are 10, boys are taught to treat girls like girls , and
it's true in all the football/ rugby/ martial arts sports I see, in any contact sport they are taught to be mindful because it's a girl first, a player second. They are taught at school to be mindful of girls and little ones!

I have no problem of having superior skills to random blokes, I do as it happens, years of experience put anyone in front of a beginner. I am not silly enough to pretend that being female doesn't matter.

Of course he's WRONG full stop, but his belief about being embarrassed because it's a girl make sense.

a slightly older boy she's 10, he's 12, he's not slightly older btw. That's actually quite a big difference.

She didn’t need to say more because it was plain as day from the information in her first post, and then she confirmed it.

The ages are relevant though because it is the window in which a girl can be quite a way through puberty and for some be close to their adult height (both my mum and DD good friend haven’t grown since year 6!) and many in year 5/6 can easily be 5ft 2 at least

whereas at 12 year old can just be at the start of the process and can be a similar weight and size

Wow. Your son is manipulative.
Hurting himself and placing blame on a girl because he can't stand being beaten by one? And he's so sorry and won't do it again? Aye.
Your child has no place in martial arts. He clearly isn't mature enough. Save the club from barring him and pull him out.

The question is are you going to come clean to the club about what he's admitted.

If you green light this by not making him face up to the consequences. It'll backfire on you as he gets older. He needs to learn this lesson.

She's already said that she'll be talking to the leaders this evening. Which is presumably where she is now (or dealing with the aftermath).

He’s your son and a young kid, I think it’s important you say it’s great he’s been honest with you and he can always be honest with you and you’ll always work things out together. I think though part of this needs to be to get professional help together - something not right and he needs to unpick that with a professional.

@Aquiet please do update us on how it goes and whether the children involved are ok.

I think that's the saddest part. kids who do stuff like this are generally not sociopaths, they are children who are not protected from bad influences.

Mary Bell also confessed.

As the parent, as soon as he owned up you have a duty to tell the wrestling club and if you can the girls parents. It is difficult to own up to your child being this way, but it's the only way to be fair and show him what he did was wrong. There should also be adequate discipline to ensure he has boundaries and knows he was wrong. Definitely need professional counselling, which if the school/nurse isn't able to properly divide, it is an investment in your family to get him private help. This is his whole future, nothing is worth more imo. Nip it in the bud quick.

Also it's not up to the kid whether or not they need to do the counselling. Same way you as a parent decide to put them in a school or in a club, you need to take on this responsibility getting him a suitable councillor. This is not his decision. Of course he doesn't want to go.

Sorry OP, you have no idea what to think?

He's a manipulative liar, who has done something truly dreadful.

Not normal, not acceptable.

He has no choice in this matter.

YOU need to do the right thing and he needs to accept the consequences.

Tell the club the truth.
If he is kicked out, so be it.

She's a 10 year old.
He's two years older than her.

I actually think this is so shocking and serious.

You have a seriously disturbed child on your hands with no sense of what is right.

He desperately needs to see the consequences of what he has done, not be protected from it.

He will only do worse if he gets away with this.
He needs to see his parent do the right thing.

That poor poor little girl.

12 years of age?
Of course he knows what he did was wrong.

There is no CCTV, that is the point!

Your son knew, whilst he was slamming his hand in the door, it was very wrong. He's 12, not 4. Therefore he deliberately set out to frame this young girl, simply because she (and some of the other girls) have been better and achieved star of the week. There's been a degree of premeditation here, not just something he spontaneously decided to do. Absolutely there's been a sexist attitude towards girls and jealousy.

At best your son needs some lessons in viewing girls in a much healthier way, and understanding that girls are just as capable as boys. I'd be speaking to the pastoral team at school, and seeing if they can point you in the right direction.

It goes without saying that you need to tell the sports club the truth. Your son not only needs to apologise to the coach but also to the girl herself, in front of her parents. He's displayed dreadful behaviour and he needs to face up to the consequences of that behaviour. If the club choose to ban him, then it's a valuable lesson learnt.

I hope everybody minimising the boys behaviour saying it's 'normal' reads this and actually digests it.

it's boys like the OPs son that I will warn my daughter to stay away from at an age appropriate time. The boys that just hate girls and couldn't possibly have a girl beat them at something. The boys I was told as a kid 'are just teasing you because they fancy you.' Fuck that. He might not grow into a manipulative or violent person but why the hell risk it. He should be pulled out the club immediately to allow the girl to be comfortable and enjoy her time there.

Any update OP? I’m hoping the girl, her parents and everyone at the club now know the truth.

Yes, I came back to see if the little girl was ok. Hoping OP did the right thing.