DS injured self and framed another child!

[Aquiet]

My 12 year old DS has just admitted something that’s left me feeling quite unsettled. Last night after wrestling club he had a badly bruised hand and told us that a girl he was practicing with had slammed his hand in a door. There was a lot of upset, anger and fallout as you’d imagine. She was adamant she didn’t do it. The staff have now put the situation under investigation as there is no cctv in the area it happened.

I let him have the day off today because of his injured hand. He has now admitted that none of this was true. He slammed his own hand in the door deliberately and blamed her out of jealousy. They have been put together to practise for a couple of sessions now and she dominates him every time they practise. She was singled out for praise and given star of the week twice in a row. He says he felt embarrassed and humiliated and acted out without thinking it through.

On the one hand I’m relieved that no one else actually hurt him. On the other, I’m really worried about the lying, the deliberate self-injury, and the fact that he was willing to falsely accuse someone else because of jealousy.

He says he’s sorry and seems genuinely remorseful now, but I can’t shake how serious this feels. Is this “normal” poor decision making for a 12yo with big emotions, or something that needs firmer intervention? Obviously I’m going to have to let them know that the poor girl hasn’t done anything but I’m worried they will kick him out of the club.

The serious and not normal part is the fact he hurt his own hand todo so

Is his dad in the picture?Honesty is think its important for a strong feminist male role model to have a chat with him about his views on women.

Have you told the club yet?

And there's a good chance that she's already been punished by her parents. It likely didn't occur to them that an older boy would lie to frame their daughter. I wouldn't be surprised if at the very least they've told her off and not believed her, which is hugely damaging or their relationship.

@Aquiet out of interest, howdid it come about that he told you the truth? I think this matters.

In your place I'd warn your DS he's likely to be chucked out and that it will be up to his coach, so that he doesn't try and blame the girl later. More than anything I'd want to know what's at the bottom of all this Op, it's not normal to want revenge so badly because somebody beat you, so badly that you'll self harm to make it happen. Is your DS insecure, lacking in confidence, not good at sport in general?

Also I think he should be made to apologise to the girl in front of the entire club, this behaviour cannot go unpunished. He needs to get over being beaten by a girl, he has a very tough life ahead of him if he is going to get so upset everytime a girl is better than him.

Why are people so obsessed with misogyny?

Do you really know a whole bunch of secondary age boys that would be happily repeatedly beaten at wrestling by a 10 year old girl? Really?

What he did was wrong but i don't think it qualifies him as a woman hater.

The fact he deliberately hurt himself quite badly is concerning. The motivation behind it isn't nice, but I guess it is less worrying than if he just felt uncontrollable anger or desire to harm himself.

I think you should say he needs to apologise to the girl and teacher and take any punishment. If he's not kicked out, tell him you'll pull him out if he does anything like this again.

Also maybe he might need to talk to a counsellor about managing his emotions?

Why not? It should have been the first thing you did!

I’d be really concerned. Why on earth is he tracking the sex of the weekly winners, if not because he doesn’t think girls should be getting as much recognition? He needs the bollocking of a lifetime.

I’d be pretty worried about this behaviour on the one hand and relieved he has a working conscience on the other hand.

I would own up to the club immediately to end the unpleasantness for the girl and I’d accept any consequences they levelled because it is really bad behaviour from your son. I would want that your son takes responsibility for his actions and apologises.

After that I would be trying to keep the communication you have started between you open. The last lesson you want him taking out of this situation is next time he does something that wrong he needs to keep his mouth shut.

Get the conversation going, help him to develop healthy empathy, to understand that all emotions are okay to feel but the actions really do matter.

I would give the coach a heads up that your son has something to say to him tonight. This gives the coach time to think through how best to deal with it.

Slightly wounded pride is fine although I'd want to challenge why being beaten by a girl is any different to being beaten by a boy and tackle the idea that men must be better and stronger than women.

Deliberately injuring yourself in order to take revenge against the girl in question is a whole other level of hateful behaviour and a need to "put her in her place".

It's absolutely misogynistic.

He needs to apologise face-to-face to:

1. the girl
2. her parents
3. the coaches

He should accept any consequences that come his way with good grace and YES he does need counselling, regardless of what he says.

He physically hurt himself, quite badly, because he was upset that a 10yr old girl was legitimately better than him and praised for it. That is not the type of attitude he should be left to grow up with, he needs professional help to understand why he felt that way, why it is so wrong to feel that way and to ensure he’s not a physical/psychological danger to others in the future.

I don't think your concern should be IF they decide to kick him out! Quite frankly I think you should pull him out of the club yourself. That would be the decent thing to do imo.

Not even a teenager or a girl in secondary school, but a 10 year old child who is still in primary school. That is extremely worrying and concerning.

I would be personally looking to remove him from the club.

It is absolutely not normal for a 12 year old to deliberately injure themselves to this extent and blame a 10 year old. I would also be looking into counselling whether he thinks he needs it or not because there's underlying issues that need to be unpicked here.

Your post, being a prime example of it, suggests you are confused about what misogyny is.

He injured himself to get a girl into trouble because he was jealous of her. He didn't think I need to train harder or practice more to become better, he thought I need to punish her for winning. He feels entitled to win because he is a boy.

That entire bunch would be misogynistic then.
This is where it starts...

If i was them, he would be out. She could of gotten into so much trouble, jealously or not your son needs to learn to control himself.

I wouldn't wait to let them know if the girl is having a bad time.

Then I would address where DS gets their attitude to winning and girls and take steps to improve things

Sorry OP 💐

That poor girl. I hope he says sorry to her infront of you all.
If he had just done a small lie then I wouldnt read to much into it. But to physically hurt himself so bad you had to keep him off school is bad. I would get him some therapy to help cope with his anger/emotions .

If it is because the girl is better than him, then he needs somebody to talk to him about that. It is fair enough to be upset about that, because women dont want men in womens sports because they are bigger and tougher therefore the image is portrayed that men beat women in womens sports because of that.

All those spouting misogyny, women can't have it both ways - either men are stronger, bigger and tougher, or they aren't.

You need to talk to the club and maybe ask one of the trainers if they will talk to him. Is he being teased about being beaten by a girl?

I do find it odd that mixed sex wrestling at age 12 is acceptable.

Obviously the lying and self injury is another issue and he needs help for his self esteem

Of course they wouldn't like it, but most wouldn't deliberately self harm and injure themselves in order to try and get the girl into trouble. He obviously feels an extreme level of hate and misogyny towards this girl for beating him, just because she is a girl (which he has admitted to), for him to be driven to such extreme lengths.