DS injured self and framed another child!

[Aquiet]

My 12 year old DS has just admitted something that’s left me feeling quite unsettled. Last night after wrestling club he had a badly bruised hand and told us that a girl he was practicing with had slammed his hand in a door. There was a lot of upset, anger and fallout as you’d imagine. She was adamant she didn’t do it. The staff have now put the situation under investigation as there is no cctv in the area it happened.

I let him have the day off today because of his injured hand. He has now admitted that none of this was true. He slammed his own hand in the door deliberately and blamed her out of jealousy. They have been put together to practise for a couple of sessions now and she dominates him every time they practise. She was singled out for praise and given star of the week twice in a row. He says he felt embarrassed and humiliated and acted out without thinking it through.

On the one hand I’m relieved that no one else actually hurt him. On the other, I’m really worried about the lying, the deliberate self-injury, and the fact that he was willing to falsely accuse someone else because of jealousy.

He says he’s sorry and seems genuinely remorseful now, but I can’t shake how serious this feels. Is this “normal” poor decision making for a 12yo with big emotions, or something that needs firmer intervention? Obviously I’m going to have to let them know that the poor girl hasn’t done anything but I’m worried they will kick him out of the club.

This was my thought. Lying is one thing - but it feels bigger than that. It feels as if the rage came from being 'humiliated' by a girl, and this is worrying as he goes into puberty. I'd be looking at his social media and considering counselling.

is a major red flag, he needs to speak to a professional as that level of rage and lying is very serious

Sounds like the boy from Adolescence and we all.know how that ended.
I don't know what the answer is but it needs sorting asap. Have you checked what he's looking at online?

I think he’s made a really really stupid rash decision but the positive thing is that he did own up. He knows he’s done wrong and that it’s gone too far. Had he not owned up then I’d be very concerned. The fact that he has shows self awareness, remorse and guilt which is good. Still needs a hefty consequence for what he’s put the girl through and a big discussion over sportsmanship and the importance of being able to lose gracefully especially to girls if it was her gender that was his issue.

Honestly, I'd be absolutely furious. He's 12. The age of criminal responsibility in the UK is 10 (not that what he did was criminal) and he is two years past that.
He 100% knew what he was doing. It wasn't 'poor decision making' - it was a deliberately lie aimed at causing another child hurt, embarrassment and potentially costing her her place at a club she loved. All because she was a girl.

I wouldn't just be telling the club. I'd be making him apologise to her for lying - in front of her parents and the coaches - and I would be pulling him out.

What has the club said? It might be good if he does get kicked out, because that kind of behaviour needs a serious consequence.

Is the club fair to boys and girls? Do the girls get more stars because they are doing better and working harder, and is this clear to the boys? There may be some well-intentioned favouritism of the girls, which he may find frustrating and unfair.

However, it sounds like even if that's the case, it's only a part of the problem. It sounds like the girl he's matched with is just better than him at the moment and he plotted and went to extreme lengths to try to get rid of her. That's absolutely nuts and he does need to face consequences and understand why he's in the wrong.

I think OP needs to apologise to the girl’s parents too. They must be very upset and reasonably quite angry when they know the truth.

Very concerning behaviour and in no way ‘normal’. I seriously hope you've now informed the club!

that was what leapt out at me....and its not an instant thing, there is some planning there, maybe even to knowing there is no cc tv. I'd deffo be checking what he watches, what his friends are like and so on.

I think this is serious enough to investigate his views on ambition and gender stereotypes, plus I’d keep an eye on his impulse control. He’s only 12 and emotions can get the better of them at times, but if this becomes a pattern then I’d be worried. You can tell him that you appreciate him telling you the truth and that you are here to support him through the next steps, but that he needs to apologise to the girl and the club, and face the consequences such as exclusion from the club.

The misogyny is alarming, where is he getting those ideas from?

I’d ask to speak to one of the safeguarding leads at school, both to ask if they can provide any support or suggest resources but also so they can be keeping an eye out to see whether there are any wider issues amongst the year group or if he is being influenced by another child/children who need to be safeguarded themselves.

Praise him for his honesty, don’t shame him. It’s a good opportunity to role model healthy attitudes and build a secure relationship where he can trust you and be honest with you. He will obviously need to own up and apologise but hopefully he will grow from the experience.

Don’t wait until tonight. Message them now and ask them to call you this evening.

the sooner the girl knows she’s been cleared the better. The poor child could well be absolutely terrified of what’s going to happen to her. Do you want a young tween to suffer any longer than necessary?

and I think your DS should be with you while you make the call. He made a mistake and owned up, but he needs to understand that the consequences could have been terrible.

a severe punishment is needed, together with compassion for his error in judgment.

I only have experience of my own, now 15 year old son, but I personally don't think this situation is 'normal behaviour' for 12 years old, at all. To me there seems to be a degree of planning, likely linked to this girl recently being given star of the week. I would be also concerned that your son did this because she is a girl, and is somewhat better than him, and he couldn't stand being beaten by a female. That is sexist, and to not only deliberately injury himself but to blame this girl, to me is a punishment. Yes, ultimately he's jealous but the act itself is a punishment.

Unfortunately, yes he could be thrown out the club, and he will deserve it. It will be a lesson in understanding that all behaviour has consequences

I don't think it is normal, especially not for 12. That's a very malicious and thought out plan to punish a girl for daring to be better than him at something. Imagine how that would play out if he one day has a wife or girlfriend who out-earns him or is in some other way more successful than him.

I would say as a minimum, he needs to honestly tell the class teacher what he did, and give a full apology for the girl.

Personally I'd be withdrawing him from that activity even if he isn't kicked out out of respect for the victim who probably does not want to see him every week.

He could spend that hour studying the history of feminism, the patriarchy and the oppression of women, which he needs more than martial arts right now.

I really hope the club kicks him out. I remember training with boys like this in jiu jitsu when I was a teenager. One would deliberately go out of his way to hurt me secretly when instructors weren't watching as he hated the fact that I was better than him. One day I had enough and punched him really hard in the face which obviously I shouldn't have done but I was the one who ended up in trouble for the whole thing. The one silver lining though was that he started crying after I hit him and he didn't come back to the club after that.

I worry with the rise of all of that manosphere BS that this kind of behaviour from the OP's DS will be more common.

OP I know he is your son but you need to be telling the club what he has told you. He needs to face to consequences of his actions and also the girl in question needs to have her name cleared as she hasn't done anything wrong at all.

I also think your DS needs counselling as deliberately injuring yourself like that just to try and spite someone else is absolutely not normal at all.

I think deliberately hurting himself with the intention to frame her is a bit extreme
and quite vindictive. I do think I’d get him to write an apology note to both her and the fitness club.
if he’s kicked out then that is a natural
consequence.

I’d get him to read a book and write something to show his understanding of jealousy and bullying. And talk about what is A better way to react to healthy competition and losing. Which is to work harder and practice more not sabotage!

id also be checking what media he is seeing and engaging in and if that is skewing his behaviour to something like this.

Lots to process here, but I’m also interested to know if he’d feel humiliated if it was a boy who dominated him?

What do you mean "Thank goodness for CCTV"? It clearly says in the OP "The staff have now put the situation under investigation as there is no cctv in the area it happened."

This is pretty extreme behaviour and I would be livid. If I were this girls parents I would want him removed from the club. How would you feel if a girl falsely accused your son of sexual assault and he had no CCTV to back up his innocence.

The boy needs some counselling. It takes some mighty level of rage to self inflict that type of injury on yourself just for the purposes of getting revenge on someone who’s better at something than you are. I would be concerned about his attitude towards women and how it will affect his behaviour in future relationships.

That poor girl. I can't imagine your son will be welcomed back. This will be a perfect learning opportunity for him not to be so extreme then lie.

At 12 the girls will often be bigger and stronger. It won't be long before that switches for the majority. Also why is he bothered about star of the week at age 12, surely only five year olds (and their parents) are into that. He needs some intrinsic motivation to improve rather than external validation. It's good he's come clean though and will need to accept the consequences. Admitting he was wrong should be praised. Definitely talking about the fact women and girls have had to work harder to be recognised in sports ( eg not being allowed to compete in some, or be members of clubs or hold office etc).

I would be pleased he'd owned up so my response would be slightly coloured by not wanting to make him regret that. I'd treat it very seriously though and I'd be very concerned that he'd deliberately hurt himself in that way to get someone else into trouble. I think I would do a lot of talking about how the poor girl must have felt and how unfair it was to try to get her into trouble.

I literally lol at the star of the week comment because I have a nearly 5 year who has never been star of the week and it boils my pee 😅

Is he not too embarrassed to go back? I eould have thought most kids would be, so getting kicked out wouldn't be a big problem.

Obviously what he actually did is a huge problem.

I don't think it is normal, not at his age and not to that extreme. I would be making him tell the truth to the club, apologise to the girl and accept him being thrown out of the club as an appropriate consequence to his actions. As he's self harmed to achieve this I would be also taking a visit to the GP to have him referred to mental health services.

I agree - it's hard for kids to admit that they have lied, I think they often just double down and hope it'll go away.