To bring up a colleagues sexual assault at work

[Purplenote]

OK so its a weird question I know and prob very obvious answer but just checking...
I recently read an article in a national newspaper and it was about a lady who had waived her right to anonymity in order to name her attacker. I was shocked and saddened to realise I know the girl (she was both named and photographed). I work in the same company and often deal directly with her albeit mostly over microsoft teams, we are similar age so we are friendly and would chat away at the coffee dock but def not friends outside of work. Tomorrow we will be onsite at an event together and if we have a moment just the 2 of us, do I say to her "I'm was so sorry to read about what you experienced" or just keep my mouth shut?
I don't want her to think that I don't care or don't believe her if i say nothing, but then I don't want to make uncomfortable or upset at work.

I would message her privately on teams to acknowledge you saw it, you think she's brave etc and thank you for sharing. I shared something on a blog about a traumatic experience and it was really nice to receive kind messages from people to thank me for sharing or share that they had been through a similar experience. I also appreciated people acknowledging it in person. IT's really strange to pretend you haven't seen something that she has done that is so brave and deliberately visible.

So I went against the vote and spoke to her towards the end of today's event when it was just the 2 of us. I just said I saw the article was sorry for everything shes been through and that I think she's very brave advocating to help other women. She was really appreciative and said that I was the only person at work who mentioned it (today was her first day back after a period of leave) and that her own team members who she works with very closely and would consider friends had just been making small talk and avoiding eye contact all day which made her feel worse. (they are mostly young men in their 20s so i imagine they aired on the side of caution).
Anyway I'm happy now I said it to her.

Just reading this from the beginning and my instinct would definitely have been to acknowledge it, even if it was prefaced by please dont feel the need to respond if you don't want to talk about it. Otherwise its the same old 'let's ignore topics we arent comfortable with- death, sexual violence etc. She sounds like more than an acquaintance and she went public which means she feels a need for it to be out there. Really glad you were brave enough and she appreciated it.

Excellent, glad it all worked out.

I don't often comment but this situation is something I can give first hand experience of. If I were you I would say something to her, if it's been in the papers she will already know there's a chance people she knows will have seen it.

I was in this exact situation three years ago, I was featured in a national newspaper, strangers contacted me with words of support but also old friends who I'd lost touch with and it made me feel less alone. By contrast I heard nothing from my family members who I knew had seen it, months later we had a family event and two relatives approached me to question me about going public. That was it, no concern for me and I actually felt disgusted that they were choosing to gossip since I was in front of them but couldn't muster up the concern to send me a nice message when they first saw it.

I genuinely think coming forwards is such a lonely and isolating place with so much hatred experienced from the other side that any solidarity is so warmly received especially if it's sincere!

ETA: sorry I missed the update before posting but I'm really glad you spoke to her and can well believe it provided her comfort

Really glad you followed your instinct on this one @Purplenote . Your words will mean a lot to her and she'll remember that.

You did the right thing.

Choosing to share her story doesn't mean that'll she'll be 'happy' for anyone to bring up what happened to her whenever the other person feels like it.

I’ve been in a similar situation to your colleague and my advice would be to say something about admiring what she’s doing but to avoid saying she’s ’brave’. That word has become quite loaded in certain contexts and can be interpreted as saying she’s doing something you yourself would never do. Like how some women will say (somewhat cattily with fake admiration) that someone is ‘brave’ for having a home birth.

Just saw your update and that you did indeed call her brave so disregard my advice but for future it’s worth knowing that it’s not a term that everyone likes.

Having also been the victim of S.A. I would feel encouraged if I had done what she did and someone saying “I’m sorry that happened to you” is totally appropriate.

you don’t speak for all S.A. victims

Definitely mention it: "I saw that thing in the paper. You are fantastic. Thank you"