To bring up a colleagues sexual assault at work

[Purplenote]

OK so its a weird question I know and prob very obvious answer but just checking...
I recently read an article in a national newspaper and it was about a lady who had waived her right to anonymity in order to name her attacker. I was shocked and saddened to realise I know the girl (she was both named and photographed). I work in the same company and often deal directly with her albeit mostly over microsoft teams, we are similar age so we are friendly and would chat away at the coffee dock but def not friends outside of work. Tomorrow we will be onsite at an event together and if we have a moment just the 2 of us, do I say to her "I'm was so sorry to read about what you experienced" or just keep my mouth shut?
I don't want her to think that I don't care or don't believe her if i say nothing, but then I don't want to make uncomfortable or upset at work.

Why do you want to OP?

You've totally misunderstood what I said.

I know how hard it is to say anything at all about sexual assault.

I never said anything about interpreting bravery as 'somehow doing wrong' - I'm not sure that even makes sense.

I'm saying that calling someone brave distances them, by putting them in a different category - you're a brave person because you've done something out of the norm. It's one of those words that appears supportive but isn't. Being called brave is a very lonely experience.

Why would she think you don’t believe her if you say nothing? She’d probably just assume you hadn’t seen the article. I wouldn’t bring it up, but if she mentions it, talk to her about it.

I’d mention it. She has gone public for a reason and will know people know about it. But rather than pity I would opt for strength. So, instead of “I’m so about what you experienced” I would say “I saw your article, I really admire your courage, well done for having the strength to speak up, etc”.

It appears that this is about your need to talk about it and not her need to be supported. Can you talk to someone else about how it has made you feel?

I think this is good advice it offers further validation she made the right decision to do the interview. She choose to do the interview as she wants to raise awareness, it was a brave act and she should be praised for her selfless actions.

Just because she chose to give up anonymity doesn't mean she wants to talk about it at work. It will have been hard for her to give the interview. I think it's not kind, even with good intentions, it's not kind to put her in a position to be reminded of what she went through in the middle of a workday, where she will then have to get on with work straight after. If they were friendly and met for drinks after work or a coffee then yes, but not in the middle of a work day.

It would be highly inappropriate for you to bring this up.

This isn’t her shame. She was not responsible for whatever happened to her. She wants the man to face consequences in society.

If you want to do the right thing then contact the man’s employer or his wife and tell them what a POS he is.

I wouldn't say anything to her at all. If she was a friend and you socialised regularly outside of work, that might be different. As it stands, you are colleagues, even if you are ones that get on well with each other. It would be inappropriate to mention the newspaper article, unless she does, which would be unlikely.

I wouldn't bring it up at work no

I dislike this way of looking at human interaction. To show compassion, solidarity and empathy for another person is completely normal behaviour. Sure, some people make things about themselves but from the original post it's clear that that isn't op's motivation at all.

I'm a survivor and when I told my manager the reason why I wasn't able to come into work he said that he would tell the team that I was off due to illnesss but I asked him to tell them what had happened. I did this because I felt that while I was "sick" in the sense that I was deeply traumatised, pretending that I had a physical illness was buying into the sense of shame that shrouds crimes of this nature. What I found was that my team were incredibly supportive when they knew what had happened, and it helped me to recover. Of course victim/survivor anonymity is central to the (sadly few) successful prosecutions we have and it must never be breached by anyone other than the person who has experienced the crime. Your colleague sounds very brave and what she is doing is hopefully doing something to diminish the stigma around crimes of this nature. I do speak about what happened to me when it feels relevant, things like the court process and my application for compensation from the Criminal Injuries Compenstion Authorities was sadly almost as bad as the assault. I contributed to some research done by the Victim's Commissioner about how the CICA process re-traumatised victims, of course that was anonomised but seeing my words in print did give me some of my sense of self back.

If you get a chance to be private with her then yes, I think it would be a good thing to say something. Just ‘I’m sorry for what you’ve been through’ .

Imo you never being up other people's uncomfortable news.

I don't "want" to bring it up with her but I want to do the right thing by her whether that's saying something or saying nothing.
Some victims have said that people's silence in this situation was hurtful.
Others have said it would be inappropriate to mention.in a work setting.

I don't know what to do, that's why I'm asking

I’m unsure how to vote as I’m not sure what you think the ‘obvious answer’ is?

I wouldn’t mention it.

This! Why is everyone doing the Mumsnet “keep your nose out”? I’d say a discreet “I hear you” would be highly appropriate

Seriously I’d give her a discreet nod of understanding her position and be clear she has your support. I’m staggered by the responses on this thread.

FFS. What an unnecessarily pompous reply to somebody asking for advice on a sensitive matter.

No. Leave it alone. Just act like a normal, friendly colleague and stick to professional subjects and small talk. Most unfair for you to contemplate bringing this up in a work setting.

I disagree with nearly everyone too.

She has bravely chosen to speak out about it and everyone pretending they don’t know seems to be a disservice to her. I think what you’re planning on saying is respectful. Obviously, if she doesn’t respond in any way, then you’d leave it there, but it sounds as though you’re sensitive enough to know that.

Perfectly OK to say you saw her article and admire her bravery.

Then leave it at that (unless she takes the lead in talking more). You're showing her solidarity, not trying to have a back-and-forth.

Don't go the sympathy route and obviously do the above in a message, not out loud or in public.

You don't actually have to do anything, though. She's not going to think you disbelieve her if you don't say anything. She'll assume you haven't seen the article.

So many people on here who've either (1) decided on her behalf that she wants to talk about it or (2) decided to personally intrude into her business by telling her what they think of her and due to their reasons for doing it, implying that anyone who didn't like this would be a bit weird

So arrogant and self-centering

No, don't bring up the subject of the SA, but be compassionate and supportive to her if she confides in you. Your colleague is likely to need to be surrounded by good women, who are kind.

If she is ready, she may open up to you, if you bring up the subject, she could get triggered and the work place is not the place.