To bring up a colleagues sexual assault at work

[Purplenote]

OK so its a weird question I know and prob very obvious answer but just checking...
I recently read an article in a national newspaper and it was about a lady who had waived her right to anonymity in order to name her attacker. I was shocked and saddened to realise I know the girl (she was both named and photographed). I work in the same company and often deal directly with her albeit mostly over microsoft teams, we are similar age so we are friendly and would chat away at the coffee dock but def not friends outside of work. Tomorrow we will be onsite at an event together and if we have a moment just the 2 of us, do I say to her "I'm was so sorry to read about what you experienced" or just keep my mouth shut?
I don't want her to think that I don't care or don't believe her if i say nothing, but then I don't want to make uncomfortable or upset at work.

See how the day goes, if the moment comes I would mention that I saw the news article and I hope that she is doing okay.
I think it would be worse to ignore it.

I’d have a card in your bag just saying you had seen her interview snd you think she is a brave and admirable woman and hand it to her towards the end of the meeting if the time seems right.

She is very brave to waive her rights to anonymity. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying ‘I saw one of the articles about you and I think you’re very courageous’. It’d be different if you didn’t know her but it seems like you’re on friendly terms.

It takes a lot of guts to do this and by going public, she’ll know that people will say things to her. I doubt you’ll be the first!

The only person who knows for sure what the right thing to do here is your colleague.
Sometimes you just have to go with your gut.
If your intentions are good and you are generally a reasonably intuitive person, you can’t go too wrong.
There’s no form for this situation.
I think overthinking it is probably just going to make it unnatural.
If you are really unsure, err on the side of caution and say nothing.
She isn’t expecting a reaction from you. She doesn’t know whether you will have happened to see the article or not.

I wouldn't say anything, only if she brings it up. I wouldn't necessarily want to talk about something like that with colleagues even if it was public knowledge. Sometimes it's nice to be somewhere you know people are not going to discuss it.

If the friend brings it up herself. She’s not asking for support . You can’t assume this

@Purplenote As a survivor of CSA a few years ago on my private Facebook I started to share and be open a little about my experience of CSA. Not the details (I am still too ashamed to do that). Two of my old babysitters are friends with me on Facebook (they are only a couple of years older than me). One of them and her best friend the other baby sitter reached out to me by messenger saying she had thought long and hard about writing to me. She did not want to cause me more pain or make me feel patronised. However, she wanted to share that if I needed to talk she could listen that she was proud of who I have become despite what happened. Unfortunately for me I was badly bullied at school and abused at home. What I appreciated most was the no judgement or the crassness of either asking for details or assumptions. I have experienced both from individuals who should know better. It was her saying I read about your situation, you were brave to share, I understand it is difficult due to victim shaming and assumptions people make. She recognises that my whole identity is not that I am victim or survivor (sometimes I am
both) there is more to me than the abuse. I was proud they both attended my wedding last year (two of the three people from my past) how despite the pain I experienced i finally found a loving genuine man. Last year they supported me further by me visiting the town we grew up in for dinner. This to me shows genuine support and thought for a survivor. Do not ignore it, acknowledge you read the piece. However respect that you are at work and she may not wish to talk about it. Treat her as would normally, this will hopefully help remind her that you and others see her as a survivor not a victim.

I probably wouldn’t unless she mentions it, she might find it upsetting to have it brought up in work

That's a really hard one as different people would probably want different things, eg I know someone who told me she was upset no one in her hobby group really asked how she was or talked about it in the weeks after she kept them know her dad died traumatically, whereas my DH actively didn't want people to bring his dad's death up when he was trying to have fun.

If she's gone public and she'll know you are likely to know, and she's someone you'd usually chat to a bit, I think it seems odd not to mention it at all. But I'd do it in a low key way, and with no one else around or over text, and not before a meeting or something. Just along the lines of 'hope you are ok, here if you need to talk' or 'well done for the article, you may not want to talk about it but here if you do' etc

It's tricky though as others may hate that!

Support comes in may forms. You can support ppl without them asking, especially if you care about them.
My friends never have to ask for my support.

I think she's told the story now to the paper, she probably doesn't want to have to then discuss it with everyone she knows who read it. I'd imagine she just wants to move on now she's bravely shared her story in a way she was comfortable with.

If she wants to talk to you about it then fine but otherwise keep shtum.

Definitely don't zoom her back to the SA event at work, maybe try and say you consider her more than a colleague if you do...otherwise what is the point of your saying anything at all?
If she is campaigning for change, support the campaign

I’m a survivor of various assaults. Is the article published where literally everyone will have read it? If so say she has your support and so on.

But if not no I would not mention it. I have ptsd and other various problems linked to the stuff I’ve had to go through. It’s bad enough it pops in my head without someone else bringing the subject up. In 20plus years my DP and I have rarely spoken about it and only if I bring it up. It’s my crap to deal with not anyone else’s.

if she mentioned it to me, she’s the sort of person I could confide in as they’d understand but no if not want to ruin their day by bringing the subject up.

I would leave it unless she brings it up.

How did you find the article though? If you went searching for it, may come across a bit stalker ish...

Apologies if you have already explained

If she's gone public, I would absolutely acknowledge it, and in the way you said. It would be more awkward not to mention it tbh. She may want to talk further about or she may not - but she can take the lead on that.

Definitely do not mention it. Completely inappropriate.

She's gone very public with it, You're colleagues who are friendly and chat about things outside of work, I think it's absolutely fine to bring it up (and risks being the elephant in the room if you don't) but I would do so in a way that acknowledges it but doesn't put any pressure on her to talk about it.

"hey, how are you doing?" (she may say something here)

"I saw the article. I don't mind if you do or don't want to talk about it, I just wanted to let you know that you've been in my thoughts." Have another work related thing queued up in your brain to jump straight into here so that she can focus on that directly if she doesn't want to talk about the article.

That really is really supportive and done in the best possible way. That person understands properly so it’s a help rather than dragging it all back up for you.

My sexual assaults were different as I was older, more than one sort and different men. I can count on one hand who I have ever told in over 35 years and even then no real details. Sadly the first assault I suffered I went straight to the police in the 90s and two male officers came out who treated me disgustingly. I lost all trust in humans, especially men in authority, from that moment onwards. So after that I’m not brave enough to really talk about it.

Something like this perhaps, although its a double edged sword - are women who keep quiet then 'not brilliant'?

Tricky one. At the end of the day OP, you know her better than us!

I literally opened my news app and it was one of the headlines. Its across all national news, anyone in this country who has read or watched the news last week has seen it.

I would say if you were having a quiet one-on-one coffee with her, then just gently touch her shoulder. She will know - and it would be quietly appreciated.

I wouldn’t bring it up otherwise.

(If people bring up my trauma, suddenly, in public or in social situations, unexpectedly and out of nowhere - it can spoil what is an otherwise ok day and send me spiraling). That is my own take if it helps.

I respected people who on greeting me, just silently and lightly touched my shoulder. We both knew and understood that it was coming from a good place.

@Purplenote if it’s blanket coverage it may be she’d appreciate a break, or appreciate a quiet word. Only she will know. Maybe give her the choice by acknowledging you’ve seen it but asking if she’d like a break from discussing it?

Whatever you do please remember to keep her choice at the centre of it all. It’s all about this lady being in control of the situation now (after bravely speaking about a situation where choice and control were denied). It is all about her preferences, whether she wishes to name them or not. You have the chance to be the one person who chats to her ‘normally’ that day, like an oasis of calm.

💯

My gut instinct is to do as others have said - when it’s just the two of you I’d just say ‘I just wanted to mention, I saw your interview and I think what you’ve done is so brilliant’. And as another pp said have something ready to start chatting about afterwards that’s work related if she’s not wanting to chat.

Personally I think it’s weird not to mention it if she knows you’ll have seen it. Like there’s something to be ashamed of.

Im also finding the responses saying ‘only if she raises it first’ a bit weird. If she’s comfortable it’s public that’s one thing, but who in their right mind is going to be all ‘hey, did anyone see my interview at the weekend about my sexual assault?’ She’s not going to say that because a) it would be really odd and b) it invites anyone who thinks she should have stayed quiet to imply that. She’s not going to ask for validation - she shouldn’t bloody have to - but I would want to give it to her.

She said they chat away at coffee but are defo not friends outside of work. It’s over stepping to assume she needs support from reading a newspaper article