To bring up a colleagues sexual assault at work

[Purplenote]

OK so its a weird question I know and prob very obvious answer but just checking...
I recently read an article in a national newspaper and it was about a lady who had waived her right to anonymity in order to name her attacker. I was shocked and saddened to realise I know the girl (she was both named and photographed). I work in the same company and often deal directly with her albeit mostly over microsoft teams, we are similar age so we are friendly and would chat away at the coffee dock but def not friends outside of work. Tomorrow we will be onsite at an event together and if we have a moment just the 2 of us, do I say to her "I'm was so sorry to read about what you experienced" or just keep my mouth shut?
I don't want her to think that I don't care or don't believe her if i say nothing, but then I don't want to make uncomfortable or upset at work.

If you do feel the need to say she was veey brave, make sure it doesn't come across as "I'd never do that"

I would. I would say I saw the article and I thought she was so very brave and that it's probably helped others and I would ask how she is feeling about going public. I would say I totally understand if she didn't want to talk about it but I am here if she did and massively proud of her.

Waiving anonymity is often done so that the perpetrator can be named, not because survivors are happy to discuss it with all and sundry.
Just because she has given an interview doesn't automatically mean that she is happy for the topic to be raised in a work context.

Don't say brave. Brave is an insult. Brave means 'you did something dangerous, and a bit foolish.'

If you said 'that's a brave outfit' to someone it would very definitely be an insult.

Someone I know appeared in the daily mail as she had been sexually harrassed by her employer. I did contact her to say that I thought she was brave and hoped she was doing well and she appreciated it. But I would do it in a message, not face to face in case she doesn’t want to discuss it openly at work

That isn't what brave means though.

Oh OK, so not the case I was thinking about.

I maintain though that if she's likely to know you know, better to acknowledge it than pretend you don't know.

Maybe insult is too strong a term - brave is a 'distancing' word, it implies that someone is doing something others would (sensibly) choose not to. So if you say 'I'm going to ask him out,' and someone says 'that's brave,' you're going to immediately question what they mean. Why is it brave? What's the issue? It's not encouraging or supportive, it's subtly critical.

It’s a tricky one.
Weighing it all up, no I wouldn’t bring it up unless she does because you are at work and it sounds like you don’t know her well.
If you do, keep it very simple. If it went completely arseways because she didn’t react how you thought she would or you inadvertently said something insensitive, that could come back on you professionally. Make sure you don’t discuss it with anyone else either.

I wouldn't mention it. Just because she has waived her right to anonymity doesn't mean she wants it referenced out of context. You can show her in lots of situation and context appropriate ways that you are supportive of her and respect her, for her work and her person. She's unlikely to think by not raising it you don't care about her if you act like a caring colleague/friend the rest of the time.

I was that 'brave" person many years ago, different circumstances, but I 'put myself out there'.
I was working at the time and much preferred people to say something, simply because when I knew they knew, and they stayed silent, I was wracked with doubt about what I'd done.
O tortured myself, even though people were perfectly decent and nice, I was convinced they stayed quiet because I was awful, or they thought I was to blame.

There is no right answer, personally, I would leave it until they end of the conversation, then just say something along the lines of, 'by the way, I have so much admiration for what you did, you must have found ot so difficult."

This.

I agree with this

Keep it shut. It’s entirely up to her whether she wants to bring this up at work or not.

Don’t start that conversation…..if she mentions it then talk about it but grant her the grace of not being the topic of conversation on everyone’s mind!

Absolutely you should mention it.

”you were so impressive in your interview”
”it was incredibly brave of you to speak up”
”I’m so proud of you for speaking out on this important issue”

she waived her anonymity to highlight something dreadful, presumably in the hope it would bring her closure of sorts or to raise awareness. She deserves to have that acknowledged. If you make a comment about the interview then it’s not as loaded as directly mentioning her abuse and she can easily shut the convo down if she wants.

id consider it an awful thing for such bravery to go unacknowledged

You don't say anything. Why would you? If she brings it up then fine, but some people like to keel the bad stuff outside of their work.

Absolutely not. I was the victim of a stranger rape and whilst I didn’t waive my right to anonymity I did do some interviews and I believe some colleagues recognised my voice. I would not want anyone to say anything unless I brought it up first. I don’t want to stop being ‘me’ and suddenly become ‘that girl who got raped’. I have no issue with anyone knowing what happened to me because I didn’t do anything wrong but I don’t want it to define me. Say nothing.

I'd send her a message, ideally when you know she's WFH, saying you think she'd brave and impressive, you don't expect her to respond but you wanted her to know. I think in her place I would like it acknowledged but wouldn't like to publicly discuss it or have to respond.

Yeah no. Mind your buisness. I would be mortified and horrified if someone came up to me and said something

I wouldn’t even go there, and nor should you.

I would agree that’s she’s very brave. If it feels right (and I think you’ll know) you could just say you saw the article and think she’s brave and really admire her. But if she’s having a bad day, and we all have them, I’m sure you will sense it and know it might not be the right time.

That you’re seeking advice on this shows how compassionate you are.
I’m guessing the person waived anonymity, and gave an interview, in the context of dealing with an assault and trauma. She’ll probably assume everyone in the room will know who she is and have read the details, which must be incredibly hard for someone.

When she’s at work I would assume she is in an ‘work and appropriate social discourse’ headspace. Not many people would feel comfortable flipping between the 2 at work. If they do it needs to be their choice and within their control.

A compassionate way to manage this may be to stick to your normal topics and let her bring it up if she wishes. If she doesn’t then respect that.

To be brave is not an insult. It’s to face and endure risk, to show courage without fear. Unless you’ve lived under a rock we all know why it’s brave to speak up about sexual assault.

because we’re accused of lying
because we’re accused of being “sluts”
because we’re accused of leading men of
because we’re accused of ruining men’s lives
because we’re accused of “asking for it”
because we’re told we should be ashamed. Embarrassed. Forgiving.

women who speak up against sexual assault are brave. If you interpret bravery as somehow doing wrong that’s definitely a you issue.