To think DD should get the rail replacement bus

[WrongKindOfWaterOnTheTrack]

DD goes to college in a city about 40 miles away from our home. Lots of kids from our area do as the college in town doesn’t have a great reputation. The city college also actively recruited, taking DD & the rest of her set to open days to talk about their Oxbridge scheme etc.

the commute is usually about 10 min drive to the station, and about 1h15 on the train. However the trainline is now in its 3rd week of closure due to flooding. This happened last year and actually also earlier this year, and sometimes DD has taken the replacement bus, but she hates it. She says she can’t get any work done, it takes much longer than the train does, & I think she finds the uncertainty stressful (it’s not clear always what times the buses will go or whether there will be space for everyone). She hasn’t gone into college once during this current closure.

It is true that the bus takes even longer than the usual commute would do, and I think she enjoys having time to fit in exercise etc without spending so much time on the commute. She is also conscientious and I think is doing all the work at home. But I feel surely she should be going to college, she can’t miss weeks on weeks of lessons?! I feel when she chose the college miles away, she chose the harder option travel wise & should be committed to the travel…

AIBU?

Can she wfh on the days when she has the least face to face contact and then possibly stay overnight one or 2 nights a week? A Travelodge or Premier Inn would be fine

Apologies.... I stand corrected.
I have actually heard of "hall" type arrangements for students who live remotely (like on the Scilly Isles or similar) who basically board during the week.
I think however the OPs daughter just chose this college because she wanted the course rather than them living on a island 🙂

Theres a life skills aspect - many workplaces will expect you to turn up or not get paid.

So some practise on how to adjust life around disruptions is a worth while skill. Possibly once a week rather than daily.

I don’t understand the issue here, given they say she can stay at home, provide materials to do the work and she is actually doing the work! Why on earth would you want her to sit on a bus unnecessarily for so much longer, just to prove…what exactly?

Yeh because we can all choose exactly where we live. If the kid has fallen at the first hurdle of inconvenience it doesn’t bode well to me.

You want her to go in so she what?! Proves a point? Suffers? Wastes FIVE hours a day? You’ve said she’s walking the dog or swimming - you should be proud of how conscientious she sounds! It’s absurd to me that some people think it’s ‘just life’ or we should just struggle for no reason?! She’s allowed to work from home, she’s working from home, but you’re not happy unless she’s out in the rain, on a bus for five hours. It doesn’t count somehow unless there’s suffering 😂

OP, I think if you had included the information that the rail replacement bus journey can take 2 hours 20 mins one way, there would be a different voting result.

Spending 4-5 hours a day commuting by bus would be hellish, and a huge waste of time, especially as she can perfectly well work from home.
YABU to think she should be getting this bus.

Did you miss the bit where she hasn’t taken the bus in once in the last 2 weeks?!

I have pretty much left it up to her, we haven’t argued about it. I’m just discussing my feelings & attitudes with other people here on MN and getting their input.

Just to clarify too @AlastheDaffodils that DD chose this college, there is one in our town that she could reach without any issues at all. In fact now she’s driving it’s about a 15 min drive away for her. I understand why she chose the city college but it was her choice, my feeling about the town college is that a conscientious academic student like she is would have done fine there.

’moral strength’ - OP, kindly, you need to get a grip.

She is doing well, she isn’t going to melt and be unsuccessful in life just because she isn’t putting herself through a long and unnecessary bus journey.

The op literally explains this if you'd read it properly

"This happened last year and actually also earlier this year, and sometimes DD has taken the replacement bus, but she hates it."

To be honest I can't get over doing a 3hr round trip every single day normally, let alone an even longer one so I sympathise with her. Otoh the college doesn't sound that amazing if it seems happy to let students sitting their a levels in 2 or 3 months miss weeks off school without any attempt to chase them up! You'd think that level of absence would flag huge concerns.

Its all a bit weird. Ultimately I'd say she knows what the teaching is like, if she's managing fine studying herself and the college arent bothered then leave her to it. Some of my a level classes were very disruptive and I could have easily covered the course myself in half the time. Other subjects benefit more from direct teaching.

I'm Team DD. Asking anyone to spend 4+ hours travelling on unreliable, uncomfortable buses, in winter, when it's not necessary, is stupid. She's keeping up with her learning so that's okay.

If it's going to take months for the trains to get back up and running I would be tempted to look at other options - car sharing, driving part of the way etc.

Very few people would commit to a 4 hour bus commute for work. I don't know why we would expect a teenager to be any different.

Actually I think it takes much more 'moral strength' to stay focused and motivate yourself to study at home on your own.
And your daughter is using her saved commuting time to exercise, walk the dog etc
As a car-less person who regularly uses buses, it is a nightmare, especially in this awful weather. Buses turn up late, or not at all because they have been cancelled (and then they turn up full, or with no seats left). Waiting 30 minutes in the cold and rain is not much fun.

I think your daughter is using her time well and you should stop pressurising her to get on the bus.

You're not being unreasonable. Is she expecting a lift from you or is it just about her not going in? That's such a long commute for a sixth form college.

I guess it also depends on her chosen subjects, if they're more academic and less practical. I know Drama and DT would have been a nightmare if not physically in. But then again, in English Lit a major part of the course was the seminar style approach which really readied us for Uni with debate, conversation, deeper analysis of texts etc - and I say that as someone else who was on that Oxbridge route through 6th form.

NRFT but thare are harder options and thern there are ridiculous options. I have experience of rail busses when there were long rail repairs near me, they are a nightmare and I only had to do it once a week. If its not affecting her absence and she is complying with the college requirements, what is your actual problem?

This is a real worry for the many areas of the country where the government funding model discourages schools to keep their 6th forms and increasingly encourages everyone everywhere to attend post 16 colleges instead.

I personally think wasting 2 plus hours a day on a commute is ridiculous when there is such a big workload in 6th form but in many areas there are basically no options if you can't pay for private schools.

For that commute to be doubled is unacceptable and given the weather there is no real prospect of working while waiting or probably standing for the journey. That time is much better spent at home studying.

I am appalled at the current model of post 16 provision in rural areas

Would it help you to feel comfortable with it to consider that going in would probably have a negative academic impact on her? As she's noted she can't work on the train, and it would make her day so long, it would almost certainly mean she'd either start to fall behind on her homework/individual study, or completely exhaust herself.

totally wasting time and being uncomfortable doing it is moral strength? Should she lick the road clean with her tongue as well?

Presumably they are chasing them up if they don't log into the Teams lessons - OP's DD is, so they're considering her to be attending. I'm guessing they know their area and how far away some of their students travel from, and consider this to be a pragmatic approach that means that those students are still able to study. I would trust to their judgement if I were OP.

Is there another option? Are there alternative buses that are maybe more frequent.
Could a 50cc motorbike be an option, a CBT test would be needed but that's quite quick to book - obviously depends if there is a low speed road all the way, not dual carriageway.

You sound resentful that she can work from home and you can't.

But then you've said you could if you wanted to.
You just want to impose your martyrdom complex on her?
That unnecessary suffering is good morally ?
Well it's not.
I'm much older than you.
There will be more than enough unavoidable suffering in her life without adding to it needlessly.
Have you considered counselling.
How have these ideas of yours impacted your own life.

@alexdgr8 I think you’re barking up the wrong tree there! I have a short commute to an office that I like to work in as I prefer to see colleagues & get out of the house. I could work from home 3 days a week if I wanted too but I don’t really, I appreciate the flexibility of my role & currently my preference is to be in the office.

I don’t have a martyrdom complex… i just worry that this situation isn’t the best for her education and want to be sure we are tackling it in the right way to mitigate harm.

Take the bus, I don't see it makes much difference to being able to work - one can't always get a table seat on a train for a laptop. Tell her to read a book - easy on the bus. And no, it is not wise to miss weeks of lessons. Would she miss weeks of work if she had to take the bus instead of the train?

Her usual 3 hour daily commute is completely unreasonable, and even an adult shouldn't be doing a 5 hour daily commute.
That can't be good for their health nor their workload, especially as if she can work on the train but not the bus that is an extra 4 waking hours to her "work" day, not just 2.
Really she needs the option to weekly/flexi board or zoom for some of the lessons, especially if there are practicals.

You think an excessively long commute on a cramped, hot, uncomfortable is better for her education than working at home in comfort, able to work whenever? All for just a short period of time?

It's sooo inconvenient, but also a 1st world problem. Some kids on the planet walk 6hrs to get water / get to school / get anything. Surely the college is OK with wfh? Can you get a local taxi driver to collect a few kids (in the same predicament) from the area? Ask council, college, minister of transport LOL to suggest who should fund this lovely taxi driver?