To think DD should get the rail replacement bus

[WrongKindOfWaterOnTheTrack]

DD goes to college in a city about 40 miles away from our home. Lots of kids from our area do as the college in town doesn’t have a great reputation. The city college also actively recruited, taking DD & the rest of her set to open days to talk about their Oxbridge scheme etc.

the commute is usually about 10 min drive to the station, and about 1h15 on the train. However the trainline is now in its 3rd week of closure due to flooding. This happened last year and actually also earlier this year, and sometimes DD has taken the replacement bus, but she hates it. She says she can’t get any work done, it takes much longer than the train does, & I think she finds the uncertainty stressful (it’s not clear always what times the buses will go or whether there will be space for everyone). She hasn’t gone into college once during this current closure.

It is true that the bus takes even longer than the usual commute would do, and I think she enjoys having time to fit in exercise etc without spending so much time on the commute. She is also conscientious and I think is doing all the work at home. But I feel surely she should be going to college, she can’t miss weeks on weeks of lessons?! I feel when she chose the college miles away, she chose the harder option travel wise & should be committed to the travel…

AIBU?

If there's likely to this issue at exam time I would be booking a room in advance at a Premier Inn or similar for her.
How many weeks do the exams take?
I would seriously be arranging something now ahead of time.

It's such a nuisance when the colleges won't just stream the lessons in these situations.

We were in a similar situation. I drove on occasion, she took the bus on occasions, and stayed with friends/a premier inn for a few nights. Very annoying though!

I agree with others if she’s doing the work and not getting marked as absent I’d let her stay home. 5 hours a day on a bus sounds awful.

So, the college is happy, your nearly adult DD is happy, but you're not happy because you just have a feeling like DD would be better off sitting on a bus for several hours a day than keeping fit and keeping up with her studies? Do you not like your DD or something?

I am shocked that you expect your daughter to spend over 4 hours on a bus when she is able to do the work remotely. If she went on the vus she will miss some of the lecture as it is taking so long. Also it is not as easy to work on the bus. She might do less revision when she gets home as she will be exhausted from the longer journey.

Is there a social advantage she gets from attending in person eg seeing friends? She sounds like she’s doing well academically which would be one of my top concerns this close to exams.

I would be concerned she is missing out on chilling and exercising which could ultimately lead to burnout and dampen her results not to mention her mental health.

How much longer is the road expected to be closed? If there are some key events then perhaps she can just go in on those days but I would let her learn from home for the majority of the time if this disruption is not expected to drag on too much longer.

I would pay for a hotel once or twice a week so she gets some face to face learning. 2 hr 20 each way is too far for a commute imo.

Almost 5 hours of commuting per day is unreasonable IMO. I am not surprised she doesn't want to do it! It would be so exhausting and negatively impact her work.

I don't rely on trains for work anymore but when I'm booking weekend travel to visit friends or something I avoid weekends with engineering works and rail replacement buses as they are a nightmare in terms of length and comfort. There's often no working toilet on the bus (so if you need the loo or you've got your period that's a mare) and I can't read/write on a bus as it's too jerky and makes me feel sick, whereas I can on a train.

I think if she can do all her work from home, is motivated to do that and her attendance isn't affected then it's okay for her to WFH until the train line is open again. But be clear she will have to go back in once it's up and running!

They are streaming the lessons

I don’t understand why she would go in, if the college are happy for her not to. In fact, I’d say she’d be a fool to spend 4 hours on commuting when she’s been told it’s not necessary.

Why do you think she should go in? What lesson are you trying to teach her- it’s a sign of your moral strength to struggle and massively inconvenience yourself to do something if it’s technically possible, even if you’ve been told not to?

If she’s still being marked as attending while doing the work online, I’m not sure what’s the problem with her not going for the time being?

Also, does she need to go every day? DD’s college was only 3 days per week.

Surely a conscientious student is going to do the work remotely far more effectively than a student knackered from 5 hours a day of stressful travelling?

The college seem sensible about it - it seems fine.

The lessons are being streamed.

I think you're over thinking it. The college have made a provision which they're happy with. Your dd has made her choice and both she and the college are happy with it. Why get involved at all?

I don't know of any sixth form colleges that offer this.

1. Face to face lessons are almost always better than remote. You learn more and get less distracted. If some of her lessons are only recordings that’s even worse, as she can’t join in.
2. She’s in A-level year so this is especially important. The college allowing her to WfH is irrelevant if she drops an exam grade as a result.
3. Proper learning doesn’t happen after a 2.5 hour commute
4. It sounds like you live in a fairly remote area? If so you need to accept some responsibility here. If you lived in or near a city she wouldn’t have to attend a college 45 miles away.
5. So you probably need to get her the £200 AirBnB. Tell her to find a friend to split the cost with.

Rather than telling her she is being unreasonable you could ask her what drawbacks there might be to not going in at all, how that might affect her and how she might mitigate those.

Some 6th Forms or specialist schools (like the BRIT School) do have arrangements for students living far away but it's usually with families not "halls".
(I think @Simonjt might have thought this was university level not 6th Form level)

If she had a job, she'd also have control over where she lived and would be unlikely to choose somewhere that wasted more than two hours each way to attend.

She's making the best of a bad situation and learning to self motivate and self study, good for her (and not the train company or the college recruiting people knowing the situation).

This would make a lot of people nauseous and even vomit.

I know quite a few colleges do, both I attended did, normal ones not specialist ones.

I think its very unreasonable to ask your teenage daughter to do such a long commute on a bus on a daily basis. Its not only inefficient use of time but more overy its extremely exhausting.
Also, you seem to be looking for why any other suggested options wont work rather than trying to make them work. Eventhough, there isnt any need for any other options because your daughter and the college already have a solution that is working.

This

Why do I think she should go in? I think you’re right - it’s the moral strength! I come from that sort of puritanical stoical background…

fully accept everyone’s arguments to the contrary!

What kind of mum pushes her diligent daughter to commute five hours a day on the bus, just for the sake of it 🤯