Dummy at 8?

[Sockmate]

Niece has a dummy, dipped in honey several times a day, probably around 20, then all night. No SEN. Sister says its 'just a cute little part of her'. I hugely disagree, so damaging for her teeth. Speech is affected already. She is doing poorly at school, lowest grades in class, getting learning support, has missed a lot of school due to asthma. I made the point last week the dummy probably isnt helping. Child has constant cough with antibiotics/steroids, round after round. I'm baffled that she thinks this is ok. I know a lot of children go beyond the recommended 1 to 2 years but this is taking the piss!!! Also the dummy's are changed maybe once a year if that 🤢🤢 response I got was its doing no harm and she personally knows older kids than hers that have dummies 🙄

Is it just a case of you cant argue with stupid? Concerned for my little niece. AIBU?

To answer a few questions

No DS hasn't a diagnosis but she just isn't the brightest spark. Hates reading just would tell me she saw an insta reel or something and takes her advice or knowledge from that.

For example during a conversation about Trump in the house at Christmas she had never heard of ICE. Went to Paris last year, husband asked did she go to Louvre, she replied, whats that?

If you show you are surprised she will get extremely defensive that 'not everyone is a nerd who reads books'. She hasn't a single book in her house for her or kids. They are always on devices. The kids are really sweet but you can tell they dont have access to much educational resources at home, if any.

I am just getting v fed up that the narrative is that I dont know what I'm talking about, its no big deal etc it clearly is a big deal.

Re dentist, no she has never taken niece to dentist or my nephew who is 11.

It's definitely a concern. If she won't listen to you
and you are that worried then it's either get in touch with Social Services or the school, or take yourself out of the picture.
TBH, sound to me that your sister has difficulties as well as her children, possibly needing to assessed.

Jesus Christ this is some piss-poor parenting. This kid isn't having her emotional needs properly met, and her teeth will be rotten, which will be painful and embarrassing for her. I don't know what to suggest, as her aunt, other than a sharp word with your sister. Could your mum speak to her, maybe?

I would call social services.

So no Sen but is behind in school due to time off for illness and extra holidays

how is the 11yr school /education if off school for lots of weeks holidays

either way a summer dipped in honey is dreadful for teeth and worse she doesn’t take them to the dentist either

that is neglect

11 year old didn't have a dummy at all even though she tried repeatedly as 'they look so cute with one' so he is grand on that score but did have a bottle with formula til about age 5 🙈 he is doing ok in school, not brilliant but not as bad as niece and doesnt kiss as much time.

Are the school not on her back constantly about the absences? I'm surprised staff haven't turned up at her door for welfare visits, she's been fined and/or social services have been called anyway.

Does she have dummy teeth? I’d point it out if your sister hasn’t noticed, to show how detrimental it is to her

I’ve known a few 5-8yr have bottles of milk. Don’t ask lol

I am shocked the school haven’t said anything about the Time off school or the mum your sister to be fined

I’m shocked at this discourse surrounding SEN children and dummies going on in this thread.

Even if the child in question had profound disabilities it’s still unacceptable. Children with SEN still need healthy teeth and bodies, this far prolonged dummy use, with bloody honey, and the other insane parenting choices described here aren’t acceptable for any child.

It might be more understandable from the child’s perspective if she had some kind of special needs, but doesn’t make the adults involved not responsible for her neglect.

A lot of SEN children are neglected, just the same as neurotypical children, it’s something we see at work all the time but it goes under the radar more often. It wouldn’t make it any more acceptable practice if she had additional needs.

It doesn’t sound like a good thing to do, SN or not.

The dummy is fulfilling your sisters needs not her child's.

The child knows it isn't usual to have a dummy at 8 otherwise she wouldn't be hidden at play dates at her request.

It is likely that the child knows the mother likes her having a dummy and that is a significant part of why she still uses it. This may be conscious of subconscious.

Children naturally like to please their parents and do things to seek their attention and approval

It is likely that there are other habits/behaviours going on that the child is doing to please the mother.

This is a pattern of abuse that will not break itself...it may well be that the mother genuinely thinks the child likes/needs the dummy because the child is consciously or subconsciously playing the part to keep the mother happy and get her approval.

This will carry on through her life in other mother pleasing, people pleasing ways if it's not stopped.

Please contact the school or GP/health visitor/school nurse. Request anonymity which they will be able to grant as it's a child protection issue. Explain and let them handle it from there.

They both need urgent help as this is not the only behaviour that is going on, I guarantee it.

That little girl and her mother, need help.

My son had a dummy until 6 during the day and night and until nearly 8 for night time. I knew it wasnt good, his teeth were effected, but I really did try so hard.

Dipping in honey though? No way.
Not changing the dummy? No.

I guess theres a difference between doing something like giving a dummy and trying to make it as "ok" as possible and doing something whilst not giving a crap about the effects or actively encouraging and making it worse like honey.

I think not taking children to the dentist is neglect at best. I know some are unlucky and have to go on the waiting list for the NHS dentist but once registered the children’s care is free so absolutely no excuse!!!

If DN's speech is delayed at 8, I'm surprised that SALT aren't involved. They would say lose the dummy immediately. I think you need to talk to the school/SS . I have known children in similar circumstances have SS involvement.