Boyfriend is in £9k of debt

[SG1301]

Hi everyone
This is my first Mumsnet post but I thought it might be helpful. I am 36F and my boyfriend 44M has revealed he is in debt. We met last January 2025. I knew from last April that he had money issues, when his card was declined, but at the time he said it was £3k. I told him it was an issue for me as my Dad left my Mum with lots of debt, so I said he needed to sort it out. We had a two week gap and then agreed to continue the relationship. He said he was stopping smoking as that is obvs expensive. Anyway it has always bugged me but I have tried to let him get on with sorting it, and have asked him about it every few months or so. We have been arguing about it more recently and last Sat he said it was about £6k but that he had a new job, which he got in Jan, which is paying him £85k (his previous job was £65k). I talked to some friends and felt worried about it so then yesterday he agreed to go through everything in more detail. He said that the debt was now actually £9100, £7k ish on an Aqua credit card and the rest on his overdraft and Monzo. I made a list of all his incomings and outgoings and tried to help him make a budget and encouraged him to cancel things like TV subscriptions, gym membership, etc. I think he needs to focus fully on clearing the debt as I know it makes him anxious. He is very sad and sorry but I have said I think we need a break because I am struggling to see a future. I am not money orientated but I manage mine carefully and I am cross that he has not tried to get the situation under control. He let me look through his bank accounts and I cannot see evidence of gambling or drugs - it just seems like he lives beyond his means and anything he earns goes on interest and overdraft so he is in negative equity every month. We do not share any finances and have no ties - he is very loving and kind and fun in other ways and I do love him and I know he loves me. I suggested a break but said I am happy to be his friend and help him (not give him money but help him deal with it). He has always been generous and I made sure we continued to split meals etc but I now obvs feel that we cannot go for dinner or do anything really as the debt is worse all the time. I don't really want to break up but I am scared of it getting worse or him lying to me, and I don't like the fact that he has not really been responsible. Any advice gratefully received.

Aqua cards are aimed at people with no money and CCJs, to help them rebuild their credit ratings. Not people on average earnings of £35k, let alone £60-80k!

@SG1301 This is not an honest man and you deserve better. Don't 'have a break' (whatever that's about), you need to end this and move on.

He must be profligate or stupid to get into debt on that sort of salary, even with the mortgage. I doubt he'll change and there may be other debts you don't know about. I couldn't live with that.

I would be wondering what he is spending money on. Drugs?

I can’t believe so many people are telling you that you are the problem. This man lives way outside his means and lies about it. Your long-term lifestyle would be restricted because he lives in the world of instant gratification at the cost of long term gains and security. You are right to be concerned about the minimizing and lying. Why is protection from embarrassment or shame more important to him than open communication and growth? Why do so many women feel that men need protecting from the “hard” feelings? You know that your future with this man would turn into solving his problems over and over again because he doesn’t commit to resolving them himself.

"the issue is he's in the classic debt cycle of the payments being absorbed by interest"

So he's only paying off the minimum balance each month then, and nearly all of it goes to pay that month's interest.

@SG1301 You say his mortgage is £1700 a month. What is his take-home pay, and what are his debt repayments? How much is left over each month after paying the mortgage and the loan?

😂 do you aye?

He sounds chaotic. How can he be capable of earning £85k but not able to sort his finances to avoid pissing away his money needlessly on interest and charges?

Even without his pay rise, he should be able to live comfortably without getting into debt and now he has his chance to be out of debt this year by paying all his extra salary off the debt.

Fundamentally you have different attitudes to money and this will cause issues long term.
His earnings mean he could easily resolve this by budgeting and maybe pulling in some additional work. But it’s not a priority for him.
I would discuss your concerns with him and convey that for the relationship to work long term you need to be more aligned financially.
The amount of debt is not an issue. It’s the difference in attitudes that needs to be aligned.

something doesn't add up. suspect the reason the bank won't do a loan is because his credit history is shot. it might only be 9 grand now, but if they have said they want to wait and see how he gets on with his new income, it's likely he has a backstory of being in debt, maxing out his credit, maybe missed payments as well. there's a reason why is cc is with aqua.

money management is difficult if you aren't a natural or you haven't been taught - or learned the hard way! but at his age he should be on top of it by now. if he's only just surviving in his own words, then why has it taken a chat with you to work out that he needs to sack off subs like bt sport? the people i know who are only just keeping their heads above water know to the penny what they are spending.

Agree. Just end it if you don’t like this but going through his accounts and making him feel stupid is a step too far. Just end it like you said you would.

Arghhhh

That isnt breaking up permanently.

This is "A break" during which you desperately hope he will show the faintest sliver of improvement so you can justify reconciling

Like I said crack on...its your life....but dont kid yourself on what you are signing up to. You know because you were specifically trying to svoid meeting a man like this.

Not all people who are shit with money are villains, most are lovely people that doesnt stop them causing loads of collateral damage to those around them.

I went out with a guy like this, full of doubt. He was only honest when we tried to get a mortgage. But his character showed that he was impulsive (not being good with money at all) and lying constantly…. To one day cheating on me. So I got burned and learned my lesson.

Please don’t go on a break……. End it for good!

You’ve given him help he’s not done much to change things. You can’t keep worrying if he can’t go on holiday buy treats due to the debt then you make decision if you want future with him. A partnership is where both parties help each other the relationship sounds 1 sided with you mothering him.

But that's the issue isn't it?
Why is it such a drama when he's on good money? Why is he borrowing from friends etc?
All a bit odd.

It's even worse that he still can't manage to live within his means or pay off the debt when he's earning a very decent salary.

About a hairs breadth from hoping OP, with her good financial sense, wouldnt be able to stand seeing him pay £££ in debt fees each month and hopes there is an offer to pay it off and have him pay her back instead because she knows the fees for the debt are wasted money.

I’m not sure the money he’s borrowing from “friends” are actually friends either. Have you met them OP?

It’s fine to say “you’re on a break”. You tried similar at Easter last year avd you’re still together. He knows you’ll stick around and he can do what he likes.

Please listen to the collective knowledge on MN. This one has so many red flags you’ll be tied up in bunting before you know it.

Stay with him if you want to but at least stay on MN so you post on in the Relationship Section in the years to come

He's 44. No kids. Good salary. Why does he have no savings??
Surely by 44 he should have built up a nest egg & be able to just pay off the debt?

Definitely way more to his story. This is not the man for someone who worries about money!

If his credit’s still ok then he should shift the CC and overdraft debt onto a 0% credit card for whatever term he can get.

He then works out what disposable income he can ‘spare’ and pays it all into the card every month until it’s cleared.

If he cancels every membership he can and funnels it onto the card then surely on that salary he could get on top of it in 12 months.

??

If, if, if... It's just not going to happen.

Agreed.

OP earlier characterized this as a year of living foolishly but this is clearly a long term pattern: he shouldn’t have a problem getting a bank loan, shouldn’t need an aqua card and should have savings at 44.

That is sad as you care for him, but you've done the right thing OP.
Maybe he will get his act together at some point and be able to be a proper partner. Hope so. But he hasn't even started yet by the sound of it.
My bitter experience is with a family member who lied and made excuses and expressed remorse for decades while continuing to overspend and rack up gigantic debts and pressurise everyone he knew for 'loans' that were never paid back. Lots of people tried to help, but it was no use because he needed to take responsibility for what he was doing, and he never did.

OP, finances are the main reason why couples don’t make it. DH and I are aligned on our views toward debt, assets, savings, risk, and pensions, yet we still argue over finances from time to time. You need to find a partner whose financial goals and values align with yours. This will never work—the more time you waste on this bloke, the longer it will take you to find an equal partner. Move on.