Boyfriend is in £9k of debt

[SG1301]

Hi everyone
This is my first Mumsnet post but I thought it might be helpful. I am 36F and my boyfriend 44M has revealed he is in debt. We met last January 2025. I knew from last April that he had money issues, when his card was declined, but at the time he said it was £3k. I told him it was an issue for me as my Dad left my Mum with lots of debt, so I said he needed to sort it out. We had a two week gap and then agreed to continue the relationship. He said he was stopping smoking as that is obvs expensive. Anyway it has always bugged me but I have tried to let him get on with sorting it, and have asked him about it every few months or so. We have been arguing about it more recently and last Sat he said it was about £6k but that he had a new job, which he got in Jan, which is paying him £85k (his previous job was £65k). I talked to some friends and felt worried about it so then yesterday he agreed to go through everything in more detail. He said that the debt was now actually £9100, £7k ish on an Aqua credit card and the rest on his overdraft and Monzo. I made a list of all his incomings and outgoings and tried to help him make a budget and encouraged him to cancel things like TV subscriptions, gym membership, etc. I think he needs to focus fully on clearing the debt as I know it makes him anxious. He is very sad and sorry but I have said I think we need a break because I am struggling to see a future. I am not money orientated but I manage mine carefully and I am cross that he has not tried to get the situation under control. He let me look through his bank accounts and I cannot see evidence of gambling or drugs - it just seems like he lives beyond his means and anything he earns goes on interest and overdraft so he is in negative equity every month. We do not share any finances and have no ties - he is very loving and kind and fun in other ways and I do love him and I know he loves me. I suggested a break but said I am happy to be his friend and help him (not give him money but help him deal with it). He has always been generous and I made sure we continued to split meals etc but I now obvs feel that we cannot go for dinner or do anything really as the debt is worse all the time. I don't really want to break up but I am scared of it getting worse or him lying to me, and I don't like the fact that he has not really been responsible. Any advice gratefully received.

Why are you stepping in and acting like his mother? Telling him what to cancel and what to do? He's a grown man

Set the bar higher than “he’s not criminal” surely? The jury’s out on addict.

£9k debt is nothing, Why are you so obsessed with it. Its his debt, nothing to do with you. He's obviously a bit crappy with money and your not.

9k debt is nothing for someone earning 85k you drama llama

If you're a clown with money and you buy silly things like alcohol, more than one foreign holiday a year, and a car on one of those stupid "PCP deals" (I think that's what they're called), then you might have difficulty with your finances. For normal people, a £65k salary is a fortune and I would probably feel as if I could buy anything I wanted on that.

Its £9k not £90k. And it's not your debt.
Encourage him to make a plan and repay.
He's earning £85k and has a property *which presumably has some equity in it.

This money situation is obviously a deal breaker for you in this relationship, and that's understandable.
The things you have found so far have worried you sick. I know some posters here say his money is not your business, but that's not how you think. IMO when you are in a relationship, his financial problems become your problems too even if you are not legally responsible for the debts and even if you keep separate bank accounts.
You told him how you felt about this and gave him time to clear his debts, but he didn't.
£9K at the time was not a particularly big debt. On his salary he should have been able to clear it, but he didn't. That shows he doesn't take your worries seriously, a big red flag.
You say you are on "a break", which gives you some distance from the issue. But you are obviously still fretting about returning to him because you are on this forum.
Now you have distanced from him ask yourself has anything really changed?
Probably not.
Ask yourself would you feel more or less worried to go back to the relationship?
I think probably more - how many more secrets are there?
There is no joy in anticipating going back to this relationship, so I would cut my losses and end it.
You definitely need to be with someone who has more similar financial values to you whom you can relax with and trust.

£9K at the time was not a particularly big debt. On his salary he should have been able to clear it, but he didn't. That shows he doesn't take your worries seriously, a big red flag.

I agree

I am on similar wage to your DP and am in a similar amount of debt due to things like my wedding and decorating a new house. As I am paying it off, I can’t see that it’s a massive financial risk given I earn well and have a decent pension/equity in my home. I am married, but were I not I would find it really bizarre if a newish partner started snooping into my finances and getting outraged about debt I am managing.

Having said that, you two do not sound compatible financially and if his money is causing you this much stress before you have even moved in together I think it’s wise to part ways and look for someone more similar in outlook. Now you know finances are a priority for you that is useful dealbreaker/boundary moving forward.

You would organise your finances to the liking of someone you have just met??? Really??

I don't think this is a new problem, although his credit must have been OK at the time he got his mortgage. I say this because an Aqua card is designed for people with poor or limited credit histories, which often includes people who’ve had debt problems in the past.

Aqua markets itself as a credit‑builder card, aimed at people who:

• Have a low credit score
• Have been turned down by mainstream lenders
• Have thin credit files, low income, or inconsistent employment

Being realistic, £85K is like a take home pay of £5000 per month, leaving him £3300 per month after his mortgage. Then say £1300 on utilities and food. Leaves him £2000 a month so presumably he has other debts besides the credit card? Aqua card have massive interest rates. We can estimate what repayments would look like if someone tried to clear £9,000 by paying a fixed amount each month.
APR: 39.9% Approx monthly interest rate: APR/12≈0.399/12=0.03325

• So roughly 3.325% per month.
• So on his £9000 debt, if he pays £500 a month, £201 reduces the balance, the rest is interest and on that basis, the rough payoff time is ≈ 45 months (3.75 years)

And for the pleasure of borrowing that £9,000 he will have repaid £22,500+.

It depends on his other debts but he maybe better getting an unsecured loan and having a few frugal years to pay the loan off. This is usually the best middle‑ground for someone with a stable income and a reasonable credit score so it depends how bad his score is?.
Pros

• Fixed interest rate
• Fixed monthly payments
• Clear end date
• Much lower APR than Aqua (often 6–20% depending on credit score)
• No risk to home or assets

Cons

• If his credit score is poor, the rate might still be high
• He must be able to pass affordability checks

Even at a “bad‑credit” personal‑loan rate of, say, 20% APR, the monthly interest is dramatically lower than 39.9%. They’d pay it off faster and with far less stress.

Don't just dump him without finding out how he got here. Decent people get in bad places. A few of my friends have really struggled since lock down and the effect it had on their income. Understand how he accrued the debt before you make any rash decisions.

You're making the point for them!!

Yes he feels like he could have anything he wants, so he has!!!

I was quoting a previous poster.

However, my focus was on his inability to clear a debt which, given his very comfortable salary, should have been cleared in no time at all. And yet he struggles, unable to pay off more than interest and fees.

He is both profligate and incompetent.

But the last time you said you were on a break you lasted 2 weeks and ended up back with him. What will be different this time?

I couldn’t be arsed with that.
Debt for a reason, like an amazing chance in a lifetime travel trip. Or for a business opportunity or renovations on a property etc. But just pissing it up the wall on living beyond his means is rubbish. Can’t he count? It’s just basic maths.

If he was earning £60k (now £85K) which was £5k per month, how did he end up £9k in debt? Someone is telling porkies!😂

I find this a really weird attitude to say £9k isn't that high - everyone should try and avoid debt unless it's unavoidable or planned and manageable (student & mortgage). I'd rather a low earning partner who knows how to manage money than a high earning one who doesn't - it's far more problematic. This guy clearly doesn't have a handle on it, which is a major red flag. If I was her I'd walk away.

He's 44 and been on a high salary for a while. I'm younger than him and on a similar salary and living in London and travelling a lot and a single parent (no CMS). I don't have any debt!! In fact I have loads of savings. Debt is such a waste of money (with all the interest) and unnecessary on a good salary.

Just shows it's not the amount you earn which makes you wealthy, but how you manage it.

OP I think your anxiety about this is understandable but that doesn't give you the right to be intrusive and controlling over someone else's finances even if you are in a relationship with them. It isn't a good sign that he lied, but I can also see why with your attitude he would be uncomfortable telling you the truth. In his shoes I would have told you to mind your own business.

That's because his salary is really probably about £10k per year. Not all of us came up on the milk train!

Drugs?

TBH, the £9k debt probably wouldn't worry me in and of itself - the borrowing £300 from a friend would. Unless it was very specific like the friend had paid for festival tickets or a holiday or something and he was simply repaying it.
Earning £65/85k and having to borrow £300 is odd to me

It’s very high interest credit card with low limit, specifically aimed at those who can’t get credit otherwise so they accept really bad rating - it helps people rebuild their credit rating when no one else will lend

Someone earning £65-80k shouldn't be borrowing a few hundred from friends or being £9k in debt. I think he is a low-earner and a fantasist.

He's a 44 year old grown man, without ties, with debt, and lies.

Short of bunting but too many red flags for me.

At his age is habits will be ingrained and slow to change. If children are something you might like do you have the time to wait 2-3 years to see if he can improve?