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Original poster

Boyfriend is in £9k of debt

368 replies

SG1301 · 08/02/2026 19:46

Hi everyone
This is my first Mumsnet post but I thought it might be helpful. I am 36F and my boyfriend 44M has revealed he is in debt. We met last January 2025. I knew from last April that he had money issues, when his card was declined, but at the time he said it was £3k. I told him it was an issue for me as my Dad left my Mum with lots of debt, so I said he needed to sort it out. We had a two week gap and then agreed to continue the relationship. He said he was stopping smoking as that is obvs expensive. Anyway it has always bugged me but I have tried to let him get on with sorting it, and have asked him about it every few months or so. We have been arguing about it more recently and last Sat he said it was about £6k but that he had a new job, which he got in Jan, which is paying him £85k (his previous job was £65k). I talked to some friends and felt worried about it so then yesterday he agreed to go through everything in more detail. He said that the debt was now actually £9100, £7k ish on an Aqua credit card and the rest on his overdraft and Monzo. I made a list of all his incomings and outgoings and tried to help him make a budget and encouraged him to cancel things like TV subscriptions, gym membership, etc. I think he needs to focus fully on clearing the debt as I know it makes him anxious. He is very sad and sorry but I have said I think we need a break because I am struggling to see a future. I am not money orientated but I manage mine carefully and I am cross that he has not tried to get the situation under control. He let me look through his bank accounts and I cannot see evidence of gambling or drugs - it just seems like he lives beyond his means and anything he earns goes on interest and overdraft so he is in negative equity every month. We do not share any finances and have no ties - he is very loving and kind and fun in other ways and I do love him and I know he loves me. I suggested a break but said I am happy to be his friend and help him (not give him money but help him deal with it). He has always been generous and I made sure we continued to split meals etc but I now obvs feel that we cannot go for dinner or do anything really as the debt is worse all the time. I don't really want to break up but I am scared of it getting worse or him lying to me, and I don't like the fact that he has not really been responsible. Any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:
Goldwren1923 · 08/02/2026 21:52

Why is he on Aqua credit card?? And overdraft? That’s the most expensive credit
does he have terrible credit rating so he can’t get a better card? If so, what happened?
he needs to move his debt to a low interest credit card (look at 0% balance transfer or at least low percentage) or a personal loan and then pay it off

question though is he just that daft or there is a serious reason he can’t get any other credit

9k per se with his salary is not that big of a deal, plus he has a property so not total loser. It’s more what’s the reason behind this

hettie · 08/02/2026 21:53

SG1301 · 08/02/2026 21:16

Liz Truss era meant interest rates were very high. I am not trying to be his mum but he seems quite helpless so I was genuinely just wanting to help him as I care about him. But yes I know that doesn't create a very romantic dynamic but I suppose I did not want to bury my own head in the sand and carry on seeing someone who I was worried was lying to me.

I can only say how deeply unattractive this is. You're right you're not his mum. Your are also not his emotional support person or life skills tutor. How the fuck did he get to 40+ without learning to budget. It's just so deeply infantile and icky.. How the hell could you remain attracted to that?
It will so get worse... How the hell do you build a life with someone who is so financially incontenent? Stop...stop now whilst you can still walk away

ElleintheWoods · 08/02/2026 21:54

9k debt really isn't that bad, on his salary he can pay it off with ease pretty quickly - unless you're in London.

Maybe just don't marry him. That's the main reason why I wouldn't ever marry anyone, I wouldn't trust anyone other than myself with my finances.

Eyesopenwideawake · 08/02/2026 21:54

None of your business.

soupyspoon · 08/02/2026 21:55

I think people arent really reading your posts OP, you have done the right thing and I think you're checking in for validation you have done the right thing, not berating and questioning of you.

You'll pull away over time, perhaps remain friends if you wanted to but you're on your way out and thats ok.

kirinm · 08/02/2026 21:58

SG1301 · 08/02/2026 21:11

He has started smoking again, he said he was stopping and did v well for months (mved to vaping) but now started again. I could smell that so he came clean. I know it SOUNDS like he should be able to clear it but in all honesty I have also lived in London on 65k and it is doable. Mortgage is bad due to Liz Truss timing and he doesn't want to sell. He did say he has been in debt before and climbed his way out of it which I guess is why he has to use Aqua. I said do you know your credit score and he said he doesn't. There were things like £8 a month to Labour party etc that he had forgotten he was paying so my approach was to ask him to cancel those as every little helps and I think it has all stacked up somehow. I do notice he drinks a lot but we are both fairly social and so I have not wanted to be draconian about that - he is always lovely to me and I know he wants this to work. I do too but I am nervous about the future. I have no intention of tangling with him financially but it feels sad that we could not eg move in together or plan for nice things. He wears t shirts from Primark, not expensive. His flat is in pricy area of London so I notice he sometimes shops in whole foods which I have said is ridiculous in his situation, he needs to go to Lidl! It is not necessarily the money it is more the attitude to it and the ability to bury his head in the sand for over a year...

I can’t imagine this relationship working. You sound like you’re parenting him.

Pipsquiggle · 08/02/2026 21:58

I think it is a really good sign that he has shared all his finances with you - transparency is key.

The next thing he has to work on is his behaviour. It needs to change and be consistent.
I think you've given him some very good advice. Chipping away and thoughtful spending will help him. Cancelling all direct debits that he can live without is a good first step. Also just not going out for a while - date nights can be at home.

TheDogsSmile · 08/02/2026 22:00

I think you are just too different on your attitudes to finances. He’s heading towards 50 so I don’t think he’ll change. He’s also either lied or not actually known how much he owes which are both concerning. I’d dump him, as you can’t go out and do things, have holidays etc and even if he does eventually sort himself out, you’ll never trust him.

Enrichetta · 08/02/2026 22:00

I want to be able to build a future with someone - not sure about kids - but I worry that his irresponsible traits will cause problems in the future?

I haven’t read the whole thread, but if there is one advice I would give it is to not hook your wagon to someone who cannot manage their finances. Especially if they earn a more than decent salary.

Financial incompatibility is roughly equal as a cause of relationship breakdown as infidelity. It is so fundamental to getting along and not stressing and lying awake at night worrying about bills.

plus…. He drinks, he smokes, he hasn’t taken ANY real steps to try and tackle his debts. He has an Aqua CC and he can’t even get a loan from his bank - whereas people who are solvent are bombarded with offers of loans from their banks.

£9000 may be a comparatively trivial sum, given his 85k salary, but his attitude and his actions suggest he will not change. Personally I’d ’throw this one back’, but if you truly feel that he is ‘the one’, proceed with caution.

LasVegass · 08/02/2026 22:00

If you want to have children with him he needs to sort this out. You can’t add £1K nursery fees to the outgoings. Before you get to that, though, you shouldn’t feel unable to go out, go on holidays etc. You’re doing the right thing taking a break. Don’t make it too long. Don’t waste your time.

Beachtastic · 08/02/2026 22:00

Hmmm. You're definitely overinvested (geddit?! 🤡) OP, but I'd also be concerned.

I was absolutely shit with money until I discovered Damien Talks Money on YouTube. His advice really helped me to turn things around.

His focus tends to be on savings rather than debt, but a lot of his advice has a much broader application - and his videos are very entertaining. This one might be useful?

Pipsquiggle · 08/02/2026 22:02

Why is an aqua cc bad?
I haven't heard of it

Aluna · 08/02/2026 22:02

soupyspoon · 08/02/2026 21:37

He might not go on holiday now, perhaps he used to, who knows

How much can you blow on M+S stuff? I am the expert at this!!!

I think people hugely underestimate day to day excess spending on fairly mundane things, I was just making the point that when people are declaring 'there must be more to this' there really might not be. For me, I wasnt bothered either, so wouldnt have been trying to pay it down as such

On the other hand, yes he might be on coke and prostitutes. Difficult to say.

Show quote history

I mean we spend £200-250 a week on food for 3 (not including eating out) I’m familiar with a high end food budget, is he living off monkfish and turbot?

Either way - if he’s struggling to get by his outgoings must be high on non-necessity items that could easily be cut back.

DonnyBurrito · 08/02/2026 22:06

SG1301 · 08/02/2026 20:54

No I can't see cash withdrawals on the statements. But he said he owed someone £300, a friend, which he just paid back, and he owed another friend £2k which he paid back in instalments (she said it helped her business or something tax related). He is not hiding that from me and is very remorseful and sad but I worry that if I go back he will just end up in the same situation. The reason this came up was last year his card was declined for only £5 and then I realised there was an issue and asked qs about his salary etc to try to help and understand, not to pry. I didn't force him to show me anything but I asked and he agreed.

If he was using Monzo then on that banking app you can separate all your money into pots and savings, so you can have nothing in the 'main' account but thousands spread across pots. I do that, just in case my card gets stolen or details get phished somehow. I just transfer between pots when I'm ready to pay for something. Sometimes I forget and my card will decline, but then I'll stand there like a div apologising whilst having to move money around on the app to pay...

Did he say at the time he didn't have the £5 at all or did he do some rummaging around and pay for it eventually?

Allisnotlost1 · 08/02/2026 22:08

I’m a bit older than him and if I entered a new relationship I wouldn’t expect someone to be lecturing me on my finances after a year together. Im sure you mean well but I think you’re far too invested after a short time, and with a person you’re unlikely to have a future with. You sound incompatible and at your ages now you’re unlikely to change on something as fundamental as financial management.

ChalkOrCheese · 08/02/2026 22:10

I say this with kindness, but why are you waiting around for a helpless man instead of putting yourself first and knowing you deserve a man with a bit of oomph, instead of a weed that drinks, smokes, is financially inep, gets out-of debt and back into it. Honestly, it's the relationship most of us experience with men in our early 20, with boyfriends who take out 5k loans to go on holiday and lend 2k to a friend and literally never have any real adult life to offer.

At your age, don't you just want a boyfriend you can go out to dinner with and not worry if the card will be declined, or worry that you're part of the lifestyle driving his debt? Managing someone else is no fun and as lovely as he is, there are lovely men who can offer a lot more.

Why are you hanging around hoping he changes and trying to rescue him?

Aluna · 08/02/2026 22:13

ChalkOrCheese · 08/02/2026 22:10

I say this with kindness, but why are you waiting around for a helpless man instead of putting yourself first and knowing you deserve a man with a bit of oomph, instead of a weed that drinks, smokes, is financially inep, gets out-of debt and back into it. Honestly, it's the relationship most of us experience with men in our early 20, with boyfriends who take out 5k loans to go on holiday and lend 2k to a friend and literally never have any real adult life to offer.

At your age, don't you just want a boyfriend you can go out to dinner with and not worry if the card will be declined, or worry that you're part of the lifestyle driving his debt? Managing someone else is no fun and as lovely as he is, there are lovely men who can offer a lot more.

Why are you hanging around hoping he changes and trying to rescue him?

Yes I expected her to say they were both in their 20s. But if his shit is not sorted by this age it never will be.

StrawberryJamAndRaspberryPie · 08/02/2026 22:15

SG1301 · 08/02/2026 19:50

For those saying he will be able to clear it soon, that is what I hoped too but he doesn't seem to have been able to. He has a big mortgage - 1700 a month and London expenses of bills etc etc. But I would still be able to live on that - however I think he had got himself into a situation where all earnings went into overdraft. He also said he had to pay 2 friends off, which he has now done.

DH makes £85k and supports both me and him, pays £1000 a month in my uni fees (9/12mo), all our bills, transport, both our pensions, mortgage for our London renovation… and we save every month. It’s a lot of money so don’t let him fob you off as though he can’t pay at least a few hundred off his debt every month. He could likely clear it in a year if he’s even just a little bit frugal.

cloudtreecarpet · 08/02/2026 22:17

SG1301 · 08/02/2026 21:49

well I am not still with him, I said yesterday we were having a break.

What does "having a break" mean though?

I think people are generally advising that you should end it properly rather than be on a break which implies you are ultimately still together.

Wisperley · 08/02/2026 22:19

OP, it's a red flag. He's earning good money, and yet his debt isn't getting paid off. He borrows little bits of money from friends etc. All a bit pathetic for a middle-aged man.

Mitzuko · 08/02/2026 22:20

I think you are controlling his life unreasonably. Leaving somebody for £9000 in debt feels cruel to me. You can easily accumulate much more than that if you happen to fall ill, lose work or have unexpected expenses. Life is long and it is unrealistic to think it would never happen to you.

He's not a criminal, drug addict, gambler or so.

He's being honest and even accepted to run through his finances despite your judgemental attitude.

Most people are in debt, because life is unaffordable for so many.

Not sure how many people you could date who are debt free.

Genevieva · 08/02/2026 22:23

If he has a debt repayment plan that enables him a little bit of spending money each month, and if you both choose affordable activities, I don’t see why you shouldn’t continue acting. He has opened up to you and shared what is clearly a blind spot for him. If you were together long term you’d probably need to take control of household finances, but it looks like he would that mind that.

Pearlstillsinging · 08/02/2026 22:26

I don't understand what your boyfriend's debt has to do with you. I have no idea why he told you anything about it, really.

But tbh I don't think.he has told you the full story, either. £9k debt is nothing to someone who earns over £60, I think that he probably has several more cards that are maxed out, or he would just have paid the bill from his current account when his card was declined.
If debt worries you, you are best out of it but his debt shouldn't really worry you, unless you have joint finances, which I wouldn't advise

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 08/02/2026 22:26

shuggles · 08/02/2026 20:25

@SG1301 but that he had a new job, which he got in Jan, which is paying him £85k (his previous job was £65k).

Sorry, but he's full of shit.

Even if you're clumsy with money and have a tendency to overspend, you couldn't possibly get into debt on a colossal £65k salary unless you were cosplaying as a millionaire.

There's no way this guy earns £65k or £85k.

Erm, oh yes you could.

Silverbirchleaf · 08/02/2026 22:26

Too many red flags:

Lied about finances.

Aqua card

Bank won’t give him a loan

Borrowing off friends

Good salary but living beyond means

No inclination to pay it off

Was hoping past bonus would pay off debt, but no bonus, so debt not paid off (if he wanted bonus to pay of debt in past, how long has he had debt? And how big was it? Even £100 a month would pay £1200 a year off it).

No spare money for holidays, so not an exciting future.