For not sharing my gluten free cake?

[mypantsareonfire]

Okay, so I know I’m not - being coeliac sucks at the best of times, and especially where cake is involved. But I’m a bit “wtf” over it.

My children had a “surprise” birthday party for me with PIL, SIL and BIL and their children, and my best friend and her two children. I don’t celebrate my birthday but they wanted to do it, and It was very sweet of them.

Dh bought birthday cakes - a gluten free one for me and two larger, generic supermarket cakes for everyone else. I mean they look pretty much the same, the GF one just has a bit more buttercream and sprinkles on - aside from the gf one being smaller, twice the bloody price and not as nice tasting.

Cake time and dh starts cutting up the “normal cakes” for all the guests and handing it out. SIL asks if she can have some of the other cake, dh says, no, that’s the GF one, I’m just about to put it away for (me) to have later. He then puts it away in a cupboard (it had already been put back in the box for cross contamination purposes). My children wanted to put my candles on the GF for me to blow out, that’s the only reason it was out.

They all have some cake - I don’t yet, cake crumbs and 9 children eating biscuits and pizza, it’s a cross contamination nightmare until we’ve cleaned it all up.

We are all in the other part of the house having fun. SIL brings more cake out of the kitchen for her 4 children (see where this is going), it was the gf cake, big chunks of it. She said her children said it looked nicer and she wanted some. only they don’t like it. Of course they don’t, who would, given the choice. I don’t say anything though, just clear it aside.

She had also plonked it on the the same cutting board the non gluten free cake was on and used the same knife, so the bit she said she’d “saved” for me isn’t safe to eat anyway.

We don’t live on Albert square, so no drama ensued. But BIL (dh brother) took her into the kitchen and she came out in a complete huff, sitting on her own and dramatically sniffing and dabbing at her eyes. MIL asked her if she was okay, she wouldn’t speak. I said, “hey, are you okay?” (I had no idea BIL had said anythings about cake at this point), and she just stared daggers at me and walked off.

BIL took me aside and apologised to me and said he’d asked her what possessed her, she’d said the children thought it looked nicer than they caked they were offered. I tell him it’s really not a big deal, it’s only cake, please don’t worry about it and just enjoy the party.

Everyone left, all happy, apart from SIL who walked past me like I was invisible (remember, haven’t said a thing to her about it, and remember, I don’t fucking care, I’m not 5!)

Dh said he would pop out to Tesco to get another cake, I say don’t worry, I’ll have some another day, it’s not a big deal. A couple of hours later, BIL turns up with a new cake, apologises again, I say thank you, I appreciate it, but you really didn’t have to do that. All sorted, right?

Nope. SIL has told PIL and her family that she was made to feel very unwelcome in my home and that she won’t be seeing us again and nor will the children. That’s all she said to PIL, who of course asked me what had happened, I told them and they were like, “you should have bloody pulled her up on it yourself at the time!” MIL said she has told SIL she’s being ridiculous and said to me that it will all blow over soon. Which I am sure it will do.

Now, for background, SIL has often rolled her eyes or made comments when we have family events as I bring my own food, or prefer to eat later. I don’t expect anyone to cater for me, or to have to think about cross contamination, and no one else minds at all, they never have done. Me having a different cake, which she thought looked nicer as it had more butter cream on (to hide the shit, dry cake), was probably her tipping point.

Poor BIL now caught in the middle of this absolute non issue that I couldn’t have given a monkeys about anyway!

Like I said, there was no drama. I didn’t say a thing, it was her own husband who noticed, pulled her up on it, and apologised to me. I honestly would have just left it. It’s just a cake and I’m not 5.

I’m just going to wait for it all to blow over, but it’s bloody annoying, right?

I’d be furious. I don’t understand why you’re the ‘bad guy’ in this when it was YOUR birthday, YOUR cake and it wasn’t even you who (quite rightly) took her to task over it.

Sounds like BIL was annoyed / embarrassed at her rudeness and thoughtfulness and she’s in a huff with you and your DH over it because her shoddy behaviour was called out.

You were exceedingly calm and patient about the whole matter - I would have been so upset. Your BIL sounds like a real gem, well done to him. Your SIL needs to realise just how serious it is to cross contaminate like that, is she aware of the increased risk of cancer from consuming gluten when you have coeliac disease? Maybe BIL needs to make that clear to her, that she could be responsible for something very serious.

GF cakes definitely don't have to be bad though, I have coeliac disease so always bake gluten free and my cakes always go down well. As far as I'm aware I'm the only coeliac at my workplace but when we had a big cake to celebrate something it was gluten free and everyone enjoyed it - pretty much no different to the normal version when you make a fat free sponge (so just eggs, sugar and flour, especially when a proportion of the flour is potato flour which make it lighter and more moist)

Your SIL sounds like an immature arsehole!!

She sounds like a troublemaker to be honest, possibly even trying to get a reaction from you. You didn’t do anything wrong and sounds like your wider family including her own DH have her number! I would ignore it and forget it.

That's really nice @Natsku.

My school feeds us with cheap pizza, doughnuts, and biscuits e.g. at parents' evenings and INSET. Not once have they provided anything I can safely eat. Even when there was a "gluten free" curry option they included a naan bread!

Of course I voted YANBU but I actually think you are being U in being do laissez faire about all this.

It’s ok to point out that you cannot now eat your own birthday cake, and if you point it out factually and calmly and say it’s not you being rude it’s a serious health issue, it isn’t causing drama. The person who causes drama is the person who reacts to that with anything other than ‘I am so sorry’

Anyway she sounds like a horrible woman . Who lets their kids be so rude and greedy, helps themselves to something that has been put away etc? And tells tales to PIL?

thankfully the rest of the family know what she is like so she has made herself look worse.

YANBU. Fellow coeliac here! This story boiled my blood.

brother is law is a sweetheart

People do seem to get very annoyed about anyone with different dietary needs. As if it’s a personal choice and you’re acting superior or something! I don’t get it. I take my own food anywhere, like you, and don’t think twice about it. But some people seem to get offended by it!

Yeah, he really should. He didn't fuck up but it really was important that he made amends on her behalf, and bringing you a replacement cake was the right thing to do. Stop saying 'I'm not 5' like you think it's immature to be angry and upset that someone took your allergy appropriate food without consent despite being told not to and now has the hump at being challenged. He was RIGHT to challenge her and he was RIGHT to bring you a replacement.

YABU for not being more annoyed -SIL is v.unreasonable

Crikey that’s awful abusive behaviour, she could kill someone one day by setting out to prove they aren’t intolerant or allergic to something. What an utter witch!

Your MIL should have told your DH the moment she found out what happened. It was neglectful to wait.

I’m vegetarian and don’t eat fish, so I was pissed off my DM hid anchovies in a pasta sauce once - but at least it wouldn’t make me ill.

Your SIL is unimaginably rude, I just cannot conceive of helping myself to someone else's birthday cake in their house when I'd already been told it wasn't for me!

I've got to say though, although I know coeliac exists I don't know much about it and hadn't been aware you have to be so careful about cross-contamination. Does SIL understand this, has it been explained to her? Her behaviour is awful regardless, but I slightly wonder if you're being hands-off to the extent that she genuinely doesn't understand some of the issues?

Also: did you have coeliac-related weight loss when you developed it? Is SIL someone who is sensitive about weight and size? Are you now slimmer than her? Is there any chance she thinks you're on a diet that you're trying to disguise as a food allergy? Might she feel threatened by your weight loss?

Obviously she sounds batshit and should just google 'coeliac'. It does sound like she is perhaps a bit threatened or jealous of you and sees you as trying to set yourself apart as 'special' and this bugs her in some way. I'm not excusing that, just trying to understand what might be going on with her.

Thank you! It was a very long time ago! 😀

I am also coeliac, I knew she would have put it on the crumby plate, or cut it with a crumby knife. I’ve had this happen to me, and the person acted most offended when I pointed out that now the GF cake wasn’t GF any more.. I think because it isn’t an allergy, so you aren’t at risk of anaphylactic shock, people take it less seriously, even though it can take months, even up to three years, to recover from being exposed to gluten. She sounds incredibly selfish and spoiled, I mean who sneaks someone’s safe, GF cake out of the cupboard because it ‘looks nicer’ ?! So rude. Also sadly GF cake is very rarely nicer !

ASDA do GF brown sauce if ever you fancy some tanginess.

Exactly the same for me, and another reason why people (hello Mother in law) somehow don’t believe me that I have coeliac disease and think I’m just fussy or neurotic.

Urgh I'm sorry, that's really shit :( I'm lucky as I live in Finland, where catering for coeliacs is very normal so people are used to it. My colleagues like to bring in sweet breads and biscuits to share, which of course are normal ones but very often they will bring something GF for me, like a pack of GF biscuits or a chocolate bar (and with the chocolate bars they always ask me if I am able to eat it). And I bring in GF baked goods which they all enjoy.

Though there was one day at my DD's school where none of the special dietary food was available (she has coeliac disease too) at lunchtime. Was a strange blip (never happened before or since, they're very good with the gluten free food), and she didn't like to complain so she just didn't eat lunch that day but I was not happy!

SIL sounds very rude and entitled. Even without the GF issue you dont take somebodies birthday cake when you have explicitly been told not to (esp if the cake was put away and you had to rummage around for it!).
But I also think maybe the OP might be downplaying the issue abit too much. I understand not wanting to make a fuss and being 'that person' but then you run the risk of everybody thinking it isnt a big issue.
Maybe some education for SIL is needed,

Come the day they divorce, we'll club together and send you a g/free cake. You can send her a slice

Oh my god, I know it's only cake but the audacity of her..the horrible jealous cow..

As a fellow celiac - I can say she is a selfish bitch and I would have been fuming. She has no idea what life is like for us. No idea.

Are you? 😂😂😂

mypantsareonfire
I have had some issues with people saying I was fine before, why have I suddenly changed what I eat, how could I suddenly be coeliac over night?

That's as stupid as if they suggested that you never had polio before so how come you suddenly have trouble walking over night.

For what it's worth, the three people I know who have coeliac disease all developed it in middle age and were fine before it suddenly happened to them, and two other people whom I know were finally diagnosed as being lactose-sensitive when they were in their fifties, and they both stopped having arthritis when they stopped ingesting anything made with milk. Not everyone is exactly the same medically in their forties as they were in their teens*, and your SiL is an ignorant and unpleasant gitwit.

*this is a deliberate and massive understatement.

OP after my last pregnancy I developed a severe allergy to a product I had eaten in quantity for 35 years. Blue lights, epi pen the works. No reason at all and still takes me by surprise that it has developed - friends have had to remind me as I absentmindedly pick it up to eat - or did in the early years!

She sounds a bit jealous!

I was vastly overweight for years. I’d already lost a few stone before my last pregnancy (and I am so sick in all my pregnancies, I lose weight, I don’t gain!), but when I was diagnosed with coeliac, I had to cut out all the junk. I used to fall face first into the greggs counter most days. I’m not joking with that - I used to eat an obscene amount of food.

When I was diagnosed with coeliac, I couldn’t eat anything I used to anymore. No more McDonalds. No more ordering a massive pizza most nights. I decided not to replace carbs with gluten free carbs.

I am actually 15 stone lighter than I was in 2018.

So yes, I have lost a significant amount of weight, especially since I was diagnosed.

SIL isn’t over weight at all. But I have lost friends with the weight loss. There are people who don’t like it when you are out of the pigeon hole they have put you in. I was the “fat funny one.” When I wasn’t fat, they didn’t know what to do with me. That and the ones who think I lying about doing it myself, and accuse me of having WLS and lying about it. That one stings!