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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For not sharing my gluten free cake?

330 replies

mypantsareonfire · 08/02/2026 12:16

Okay, so I know I’m not - being coeliac sucks at the best of times, and especially where cake is involved. But I’m a bit “wtf” over it.

My children had a “surprise” birthday party for me with PIL, SIL and BIL and their children, and my best friend and her two children. I don’t celebrate my birthday but they wanted to do it, and It was very sweet of them.

Dh bought birthday cakes - a gluten free one for me and two larger, generic supermarket cakes for everyone else. I mean they look pretty much the same, the GF one just has a bit more buttercream and sprinkles on - aside from the gf one being smaller, twice the bloody price and not as nice tasting.

Cake time and dh starts cutting up the “normal cakes” for all the guests and handing it out. SIL asks if she can have some of the other cake, dh says, no, that’s the GF one, I’m just about to put it away for (me) to have later. He then puts it away in a cupboard (it had already been put back in the box for cross contamination purposes). My children wanted to put my candles on the GF for me to blow out, that’s the only reason it was out.

They all have some cake - I don’t yet, cake crumbs and 9 children eating biscuits and pizza, it’s a cross contamination nightmare until we’ve cleaned it all up.

We are all in the other part of the house having fun. SIL brings more cake out of the kitchen for her 4 children (see where this is going), it was the gf cake, big chunks of it. She said her children said it looked nicer and she wanted some. only they don’t like it. Of course they don’t, who would, given the choice. I don’t say anything though, just clear it aside.

She had also plonked it on the the same cutting board the non gluten free cake was on and used the same knife, so the bit she said she’d “saved” for me isn’t safe to eat anyway.

We don’t live on Albert square, so no drama ensued. But BIL (dh brother) took her into the kitchen and she came out in a complete huff, sitting on her own and dramatically sniffing and dabbing at her eyes. MIL asked her if she was okay, she wouldn’t speak. I said, “hey, are you okay?” (I had no idea BIL had said anythings about cake at this point), and she just stared daggers at me and walked off.

BIL took me aside and apologised to me and said he’d asked her what possessed her, she’d said the children thought it looked nicer than they caked they were offered. I tell him it’s really not a big deal, it’s only cake, please don’t worry about it and just enjoy the party.

Everyone left, all happy, apart from SIL who walked past me like I was invisible (remember, haven’t said a thing to her about it, and remember, I don’t fucking care, I’m not 5!)

Dh said he would pop out to Tesco to get another cake, I say don’t worry, I’ll have some another day, it’s not a big deal. A couple of hours later, BIL turns up with a new cake, apologises again, I say thank you, I appreciate it, but you really didn’t have to do that. All sorted, right?

Nope. SIL has told PIL and her family that she was made to feel very unwelcome in my home and that she won’t be seeing us again and nor will the children. That’s all she said to PIL, who of course asked me what had happened, I told them and they were like, “you should have bloody pulled her up on it yourself at the time!” MIL said she has told SIL she’s being ridiculous and said to me that it will all blow over soon. Which I am sure it will do.

Now, for background, SIL has often rolled her eyes or made comments when we have family events as I bring my own food, or prefer to eat later. I don’t expect anyone to cater for me, or to have to think about cross contamination, and no one else minds at all, they never have done. Me having a different cake, which she thought looked nicer as it had more butter cream on (to hide the shit, dry cake), was probably her tipping point.

Poor BIL now caught in the middle of this absolute non issue that I couldn’t have given a monkeys about anyway!

Like I said, there was no drama. I didn’t say a thing, it was her own husband who noticed, pulled her up on it, and apologised to me. I honestly would have just left it. It’s just a cake and I’m not 5.

I’m just going to wait for it all to blow over, but it’s bloody annoying, right?

OP posts:
EleanorReally · 08/02/2026 15:57

she is in the wrong,
she knows she is in the wrong but is behaving like a stroppy madam.

SeraphinaGia · 08/02/2026 15:57

Needtofixmyageingskin · 08/02/2026 15:40

Can't you tell she was just making a sarcastic joke?!?

Sarcasm doesn’t always translate well…hence my comment. Clearly I got it wrong, but don’t worry Mumsnet will make sure I pay for it. As someone with coeliac disease, I’ve had all sorts of comments over the years, so my apologies for missing the sarcasm on this occasion. I’m off to sit on the naughty step!

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 08/02/2026 15:58

damemaggiescurledupperlip · 08/02/2026 12:24

Maybe your next birthday cake could feature your SIL’s face, with a little speech bubble…

’I can have your cake and not eat it’

Brilliant 😂

GoldbergVariations · 08/02/2026 15:59

Just for you, @AcrossthePond55, a picture of our two wedding cakes. 😊💕

For not sharing my gluten free cake?
NeverDropYourMooncup · 08/02/2026 16:00

Pulling shit like that can be the final straw in a crappy marriage, especially if she now demands that everybody goes NC with you & PILs. Probably pissed off that you were getting a surprise party in the first place as well.

There are some absolute loons in the world, like the one at work who made a point of going into the separate fridge and unpacked three layers to get himself my gluten free food at a work function, the GF pizza that was unpackaged and the contents slung on top of the standard one, or the ones who see a gluten free label on some dip and leave half a broken breadstick poking up from the middle of it.

Her hurt feelings aren't your problem. Or anybody else's, really. Just be careful to never even have a cup of tea in her presence in future, as it doesn't take much to dunk a rich tea in a cup before handing it over - but hopefully, she's so determined to make herself the victim in this, she'll keep to the NC forever more.

OnTheBoardwalk · 08/02/2026 16:02

My kitchen isn’t gluten free. My children eat normal bread, pasta, biscuits etc. But I know how to prepare my food safely in that environment, it’s second nature to me now (and dh), but other people wouldn’t think about the little things.

to be honest @mypantsareonfire i wouldn’t have thought about cross contamination so thank you for your post. I get nut dust etc but wouldn’t have thought about gluten cross contamination

Your SIL does know about this though and is an absolute idiot. She’s annoyed she’s been pulled up, rightly so, for her bad behaviour

mypantsareonfire · 08/02/2026 16:04

ScrimMN · 08/02/2026 15:50

I’m coeliac too op, I was diagnosed 5 years ago and was relatively symptom free till I was ill after having second child, both my children where also born with severe IUGR.

It sounds like your sister in law is desperate for attention and almost wanted a falling out.. why else would she go through someone else’s cupboard and take a cake out that she was told was for later and the medical reasons behind the choice!!

Mine was triggered just after the birth of my 3rd child. She was IUGR too, interestingly.

The consultant told me that a pregnancy later in life can often be the trigger. I had a horrific pregnancy with her. I always have HG but it was off the scale, I was kept in hospital in the end as no drugs worked and I needed IV fluids.

OP posts:
Mathsbabe · 08/02/2026 16:06

OP you have my absolute support but I also want to add my sympathy for the rest of your in laws, especially your PIL who like getting everyone together every few weeks and now one DIL has fallen out with their DD and their other DIL. Your batty SIL is a real piece of work.

Tryagain26 · 08/02/2026 16:09

It doesn't really matter whether you are unreasonable or not to share the gf cake it is extremely rude to go into the cupboard in someone else's house and help yourself to some of the cake you have been asked not to touch and even worse to mix it with crumbs from the non gf cake when she knows you are coeliac. Does she not believe that gluten will make you very ill?
She sounds very selfish, ignorant and childish .

Bollihobs · 08/02/2026 16:17

mypantsareonfire · 08/02/2026 12:23

Even my own children know that if I ever buy GF cake or biscuits (very rarely), that is mine. Even when they are tiny they know that it’s the only thing I can eat safely.

I wasn’t going to cause an argument over it at a party though. But man, it sucks when people try to have some! They can eat literally anything- I can’t!

I'm gluten intolerant, amongst a gazillion other things I can't eat, and my diet is very limited and always homemade because of the issues so if on the rarest of occasions I actually have a bought treat (at home as I cannot eat out) and I offer some to my DH he always says exactly that "I can eat anything, this is all for you!"

SIL is a bloody idiot.

Plasticdreams · 08/02/2026 16:18

She’s a dickhead, unfortunately, and you’re going to have to tolerate her for the peace of the family. Sounds like your husband did the right thing anyway - that’s the important bit.

daisychain01 · 08/02/2026 16:20

YANBU

Your SIL is a drama queen who is only happy if the attention is on her. All the guff about how the children thought your cake looked nicer, utter rubbish. She clearly doesn't realise how serious a condition coeliac is otherwise she would have butted out and 'stayed in her own swim lane' stopped interfering and leaving your GF cake for you to enjoy and not contaminate it.

I hate it when people don't take these important dietary controls seriously, it isn't done for the fun of it and it shows a real lack of support and probably an internalised negativity, like you're just being precious or difficult and taking the attention away from them. Teeeeeeedious!

you sound well-supported by your menfolk, they get it, good on them 💪

Needlenardlenoo · 08/02/2026 16:22

Some people are idiots and unfortunately most of them have families.

Being coeliac is annoying enough without cake wars!

Figgygal · 08/02/2026 16:23

Dear god my DH is coeliac so I get it
Just made a gf cheesecake this weekend ingredients cost me best part of 20 quid
She's unbelievably rude to have helped herself in your home let alone take the gf cake and contaminate it
She was rightly called out
What an example for her to set for her children

somanychristmaslights · 08/02/2026 16:25

BIL sounds lovely. I would just let SIL get on with being a drama llama.

HelenaWaiting · 08/02/2026 16:27

Trivium4all · 08/02/2026 13:13

Enough people commented on the rudeness/obliviousness of your SIL (and well done to BIL and MIL for standing up for you!), but I wanted to comment on the cake being dry and horrible.

Coeliac disease seems to run in one branch of my family, with two of four cousins on that side affected (diagnosed as adults) and the son of a third severely ill as a child and diagnosed as a child. We recently had a large family celebration, and the daughter of one of the affected cousins (not a baker, just a normal uni student) baked 7 different gluten-free cakes that were absolutely spectactular. It would never occur to anyone to wonder if they were different from "normal" cakes. So you don't have to put up with horrible dry expensive cake!

Even baking a spectacular GF cake yourself is prohibitively expensive. The ingredients needed to disguise the absence of gluten cost the earth. The more spectacular it is, the more it costs. I know you meant it kindly but for many of us, the most viable solution is to give up cake altogether.

SapphireSeptember · 08/02/2026 16:29

mypantsareonfire · 08/02/2026 12:42

Yes. She’s often made comments over the years about my “diet”. I have told her it’s not a diet, I have an autoimmune disease.

I don’t make an issue of it at all. I happily take my own food.

It makes it more difficult as I was only diagnosed 6 years ago, at the age of 40. I didn’t have any symptoms before they suddenly onset out of the blue. I honestly thought I was dying just after I had my last baby - turned out after a lot of tests for horrendous things, that I am coeliac, which while it’s not ideal, was a hell of a lot better than the alternatives!

So I have had some issues with people saying I was fine before, why have I suddenly changed what I eat, how could I suddenly be coeliac over night? It’s like they don’t belive me that it’s for a medical reason, and that just being awkward.

Edited

Pregnancy can cause all sorts of weird things! I've become allergic to a few things since I had DS, (honeydew melon, pears and cucumber.) I sneeze, and my mouth, throat and lips feel itchy and tingly if I eat them, but they're easy things to avoid. My ex-MIL was also diagnosed as a coeliac later on in life (my ex-H was a teenager, and was diagnosed not long after she was.) So these things happen.

Flowerlovinglady · 08/02/2026 16:31

Whatever you reasons for not wanting your SIL or her children to eat your cake, she should absolutely have respected your no. Other people rummaging around in your cupboards and helping themselves does my head in - a hard no. I really feel for you being a coeliac, must be a nightmare.

SapphireSeptember · 08/02/2026 16:31

GoldbergVariations · 08/02/2026 15:59

Just for you, @AcrossthePond55, a picture of our two wedding cakes. 😊💕

Oh, your dress is pretty! 😍 (As are those cakes. 😋)

FussyFancyDragon · 08/02/2026 16:33

Start giving her gluten free stuff for her bday since she’s so desperate to eat it and wants to share stuff with you.

Needlenardlenoo · 08/02/2026 16:34

Not the point of the thread but M&S gluten free coffee and walnut cake is rather nice imo. And I have tested it a LOT 😂.

I became coeliac and (mildly) dairy intolerant after menopause after 50 years of eating everything.

kiwiane · 08/02/2026 16:42

It’s bullying behaviour and just plain rude; awful that she’d use her children as an
excuse too. I hope she’s learnt her lesson - I’d be happy not to invite her again.

BrendaThePoodle · 08/02/2026 16:44

Ive never been tested for coeliac but I don’t eat gluten beacause it makes me very unwell. Since i discovered gluten was the culprit i have cut it out and miss a terrific cake. And more so bread. But I have my own butter because even the crumbs in my butter from normal bread can give me tummy aches. My SiL on holiday was desperate to almost catch me out by using it even though I wrote Brenda’s on it. In the end I told her if she uses my butter and I get stomach upset because of her it'll be her en-suite I’ll spent the night shitting in. Shes ok most of the time but anything that makes other people have something she doesn’t, she seems almost offended by it, like she’s excluded from a club. Even if it’s shite like not eating delicious fresh bread and instead having cardboard squares to replace it.

LoveSandbanks · 08/02/2026 16:47

I'm not celiac but I have a fairly severe gluten allergy. Blue cheese (the mould is derived from bread mould) brings me out in hives sort of severity. Your sil is my worst nightmare. She neither understands, nor cares about your condition, has no understanding or awareness of cross contamination. I'd be frightened to even have a drink at her house!

Apart from anything else, they were served cake, they were told they couldn't have the other cake and she fucking helped herself to it anyway.

COW!

zanahoria · 08/02/2026 16:48

Your sister in law is an idiot