For not sharing my gluten free cake?

[mypantsareonfire]

Okay, so I know I’m not - being coeliac sucks at the best of times, and especially where cake is involved. But I’m a bit “wtf” over it.

My children had a “surprise” birthday party for me with PIL, SIL and BIL and their children, and my best friend and her two children. I don’t celebrate my birthday but they wanted to do it, and It was very sweet of them.

Dh bought birthday cakes - a gluten free one for me and two larger, generic supermarket cakes for everyone else. I mean they look pretty much the same, the GF one just has a bit more buttercream and sprinkles on - aside from the gf one being smaller, twice the bloody price and not as nice tasting.

Cake time and dh starts cutting up the “normal cakes” for all the guests and handing it out. SIL asks if she can have some of the other cake, dh says, no, that’s the GF one, I’m just about to put it away for (me) to have later. He then puts it away in a cupboard (it had already been put back in the box for cross contamination purposes). My children wanted to put my candles on the GF for me to blow out, that’s the only reason it was out.

They all have some cake - I don’t yet, cake crumbs and 9 children eating biscuits and pizza, it’s a cross contamination nightmare until we’ve cleaned it all up.

We are all in the other part of the house having fun. SIL brings more cake out of the kitchen for her 4 children (see where this is going), it was the gf cake, big chunks of it. She said her children said it looked nicer and she wanted some. only they don’t like it. Of course they don’t, who would, given the choice. I don’t say anything though, just clear it aside.

She had also plonked it on the the same cutting board the non gluten free cake was on and used the same knife, so the bit she said she’d “saved” for me isn’t safe to eat anyway.

We don’t live on Albert square, so no drama ensued. But BIL (dh brother) took her into the kitchen and she came out in a complete huff, sitting on her own and dramatically sniffing and dabbing at her eyes. MIL asked her if she was okay, she wouldn’t speak. I said, “hey, are you okay?” (I had no idea BIL had said anythings about cake at this point), and she just stared daggers at me and walked off.

BIL took me aside and apologised to me and said he’d asked her what possessed her, she’d said the children thought it looked nicer than they caked they were offered. I tell him it’s really not a big deal, it’s only cake, please don’t worry about it and just enjoy the party.

Everyone left, all happy, apart from SIL who walked past me like I was invisible (remember, haven’t said a thing to her about it, and remember, I don’t fucking care, I’m not 5!)

Dh said he would pop out to Tesco to get another cake, I say don’t worry, I’ll have some another day, it’s not a big deal. A couple of hours later, BIL turns up with a new cake, apologises again, I say thank you, I appreciate it, but you really didn’t have to do that. All sorted, right?

Nope. SIL has told PIL and her family that she was made to feel very unwelcome in my home and that she won’t be seeing us again and nor will the children. That’s all she said to PIL, who of course asked me what had happened, I told them and they were like, “you should have bloody pulled her up on it yourself at the time!” MIL said she has told SIL she’s being ridiculous and said to me that it will all blow over soon. Which I am sure it will do.

Now, for background, SIL has often rolled her eyes or made comments when we have family events as I bring my own food, or prefer to eat later. I don’t expect anyone to cater for me, or to have to think about cross contamination, and no one else minds at all, they never have done. Me having a different cake, which she thought looked nicer as it had more butter cream on (to hide the shit, dry cake), was probably her tipping point.

Poor BIL now caught in the middle of this absolute non issue that I couldn’t have given a monkeys about anyway!

Like I said, there was no drama. I didn’t say a thing, it was her own husband who noticed, pulled her up on it, and apologised to me. I honestly would have just left it. It’s just a cake and I’m not 5.

I’m just going to wait for it all to blow over, but it’s bloody annoying, right?

Silly sil but what a nice bil

ive tried gf Colin and actually quite nice. Am just under £10

Don't worry because she was in the wrong. Who does she think she is?
Your bil sounds great!

Sil is an utter TWAT!! I'm really embarrassed for her!

you're so not being unreasonable, I’m celiac and can’t bear this sort of drama. Especially as you say the cake tastes like crap anyway! Can I also moan about being out for a big group dinner and some gluten free options ordered for sharing and then people dip regular bread in communal dishes? 🤬

im always very happy to sort myself out, bring my own food or eat later blah blah blah, but it’s super annoying to have people INSIST you eat with them and then use the bloody regular bread board or toaster or double dip with wheat products…happy birthday by the way 🙂

Your BiL is a star and he deserves a medal.

I think YAB a bit U because you should have stepped up and supported your BIL straightaway instead of pretending everything’s ok.

You’ve successfully minimised her bad behaviour.

You should have made it crystal clear to SIL that taking your cake was wrong and she was acting like a spoilt toddler.

She is only treating you like shite because you’re letting her do that. Your lack of assertiveness is telling her that you don’t matter.

When you stand up to someone, assuming no one else defends their bad behaviour, they have no other choice but to accept the chastisement and comply. Yes, they might stomp off initially but if no one panders to them, they’ll very soon get the message.

she won’t be seeing us again and nor will the children

Sounds like a win then…

My apologies 🫣 as a fellow coeliac I have had every comment thrown at me over the years. I was firmly in the OPs corner, as I now see you are xx

I didn’t have MS until I was 35! That’s usually how autoimmune conditions work. Ask these people if you’d have developed MS at 40 (perfectly normal time for it to present) would they be so suspicious? You’re being very understanding OP but these people are idiots.

How embarrassing to be the brother married to that bitch . Imagine if it was the other way around and you had a DH that was so underhand , caused problems with your family and had to be spoken to about manners never mind endangering his SIL health .

Your behaviour is exactly what you should do . It probably needles her that she can't argue with her. Grey rock every time . She showed herself up and the whole family knows it .

What a spiteful mare she is.
I'm glad your bil was on your side.

Can't you tell she was just making a sarcastic joke?!?

I expect she's just incredibly embarrassed as she has realised she's gone too far. It may well all die down and at least everyone has the measure of her.

Your SIL is an arse

I really don’t think BIL blew anything out of proportion.

If I was somewhere with dh and he did something that was quite rude, I would have immediately asked him in private what he thought he was playing at.

And in the same situation, I would have absolutely told him to replace the cake, or I would have done it myself and apologised for his behaviour.

@mypantsareonfire

I would have been furious, mainly because she'd been told that it was not for 'public consumption'. That's the same rule for ANY food/drink that's taken & put away for any reason. And I don't believe that it was because 'her kids wanted it'. SiL just wanted to make some sort of point. Probably that 'you're not special'. Does she often want the limelight or thinks she's 'a cut above'?

Your SiL is a triple grade A bitch and your BiL is an angel. He did what she should have done. Apologized and replaced.

If SiL wants to go NC with you/your family I say GREAT! No more worries about someone who doesn't take Coeliac Disease seriously. I just hope BiL isn't influenced by her to do the same.

My 'best' GF cake story is that DS1 and (now ex-) DiL had the 2nd tier of their wedding cake made GF just for me. The 2 tiers were very carefully removed and the top went into their fridge and the 2nd was given to me to have my slice(s) and then take the rest home.

I was diagnosed in 2004, DS 1in 2024 (after his marriage). Both of us were diagnosed after traumatic events which we were told is considered a 'trigger' although it's not definitively known what sets off the reaction. DS2 carries a 'carrier' gene but so far so good for him.

(Afterthought; God forbid she should encounter someone with a nut (or other anaphylactic) allergy! She probably wouldn't take that seriously either)

I would have thanked BiL as I wouldn't want him thinking he shouldn't have bothered. I wouldn’t have kept downplaying it, as it would have come across that you weren’t bothered by her bad behaviour (which you obviously are).

She is a rude, entitled madam, she deserved a telling off.

After all of that, she went ahead and stole it from the kitchen and cut it up in chunks for her kids?! Honestly you’re not angry enough- it’s not about cake it’s the sheer rudeness and cheeky fuckery of it. Clearly everyone else (including her own husband) recognised this. Well one consolation is if she carries on with the mental behaviour she might not be a SIL for much longer. I’d consider her post theft behaviour to be a silver lining and not have her in my house again.

SIL behaved badly and knows it.

If your kids get pleasure out of giving you cake might be worth knowing that I bake quite a lot and haven't had any disasters with freee gluten free flour.

I just do a straight sub into existing recipes and then add a smidge of extra raising agent. Nigella Victoria sandwich and Hummingbird brownies are recipes that come to mind as working well.

The friend I made the victoria sandwich for cried (it was at a bookclub). She said she hadn't had cake like that for years. I was really embarrassed as it hadn't taken any effort beyond buying special flour and making sure the stuff I used was clean. I'd only sandwiched it together with jam too - not even made butter cream, or put in fresh fruit.

I started doing this as I have a colleague with coeliac and one with a nut allergy so the usual almond flour heavy recipes became risky for work. For those who don't know the NHS runs on cake. Cures all staff discontent (hah!).

I have Crohns, am Coeliac (as doees my identical twin and a family history of IBDisease and Bowel cancer), and sympathise fully with your hideous symptoms… grim 🙄🤯💖.

What a CF indeed! You absolutely did the right thing to rise above the bat 💩-ery! ..

I have read the thread, and I don’t think I have missed it, apologies if so, but……. we all agree she’s a tad unhinged and jealous of your “needing” special treatment ( even though you clearly are self sufficient in schlepping your own food to your PIL, etc!)!. And, we all agree your BIL sounds a lovely guy……. But! Does anyone else think that she has got it into her head that BIL has a secret crush on you?! Is she “ late” to the family party dynamic?

I think she sounds desperately threatened by your mere existence…… very intimidated. Keeping her at arms length would be my mode of play here…..

Good Luck 🤞! You sound lovely, by the way!

But I’m just not like that.

I’m not a walkover -
I just can’t be arsed. I don’t react. It’s how I am as a person. I can only control how I react to people. People do things to provoke reaction. I don’t give it.

I’ve had more than my fair share of awful things happen in life, other people are generally of no concern to me.

If she hadn’t involved PIL and stared on about no contact, it would never have been mentioned again. That’s the thing that has actually made me think what the fuck is she playing at.

• Just to say what a bloody great BIL you have!

@ShetlandishMum - @TheSpottedZebra was being sarcastic/tongue in cheek, I am sure.

I’m coeliac too op, I was diagnosed 5 years ago and was relatively symptom free till I was ill after having second child, both my children where also born with severe IUGR.

It sounds like your sister in law is desperate for attention and almost wanted a falling out.. why else would she go through someone else’s cupboard and take a cake out that she was told was for later and the medical reasons behind the choice!!

Ngl i would love to be a fly on a wall in your SIL's house after they got home 🙈🙊

Love your username OP! 🤔😜