To leave my husband because of his OCD?

[Notacleaningfairy]

He is not diagnosed OCD but has admitted he “probably” has it and I completely agree.

I’ve just been asked if I can start wearing shoe covers in the car as the mats get too muddy. If I don’t want to wear shoe covers then I must have another pair of trainers to change into before I get into the car. We drive a ford, not a Lamborghini.

I don’t want to give off the impression that I don’t clean because I absolutely do but it’s not to his standard and it never will be.

He will vacuum twice a day when he’s working and 3 times a day if he’s off. He does all the cooking because I make too much of a mess when I do. He can’t have anything sitting on any units, everything must be put away or hidden. There is so much more I could write but I won’t bore you all.

I’m finding it so hard. I am constantly worrying the house isn’t clean enough for him. The other week when I was driving my window steamed up a little so I brushed it with my hand and instantly regretted it because I knew he would be annoyed.

One day he will admit he has a problem and will apologise if he’s asking too much and the next day he will tell me there is nothing wrong with wanting things clean and that he “doesn’t ask for much”

help

Of course not. This is no way to live. I would, however suggest he gets help first.

however you do not need permission to leave. Relationship. I for one, could not love or live like this.

Yanbu. He needs to get help and deal with his disorder, but you are free to leave whether or not he does that. It sounds very difficult to deal with

He needs to get help. Sounds exhausting for both of you.

First post nails it. This is no way to live.

it’s not about the OCD, it’s the impact his behaviour is having on you. Do something good for your future self and get away from this right away.

He sounds unwell. I think if he won’t get help that would be grounds for leaving but really I’d be first supporting him to get the help he needs

I don’t like dirty car mats or finger marks on my windscreen either !

No, you would not be unreasonable to leave. If you choose to stay then you're choosing to give up all your autonomy and give all control to him. He doesn't want to change and by staying, you're legitimising his choices and behaviours. It's not your job to fix a broken man, or make life easier for him.

Also, you would be very unreasonable to bring children into that lifestyle. At least, as an adult, you have a choice about being there.

Is this ocd? I have lots of (unfortunately) experience with ocd and house cleaning is a stereotype but maybe it’s worth getting a proper assessment of what’s going on. This sounds extremely controlling but unless there’s more may not be ocd.

YANBU.
If you love him, you could perhaps give him a chance to get the help he clearly needs with his mental disorder. But, honestly, you could leave either way and not be unreasonable.
That’s a terrible life you’re both living.

OP do you actually know what OCD is? It's a debilitating mental health conditions where the compulsive behaviours (i.e. cleaning) are a way of trying to manage the obsessive/intrusive thoughts. It's not just a case of someone being a bit of a neat freak. If he DOES have OCD then you getting pissed off at his behaviour shows a complete lack of support and compassion. if he's just a neat freak then I am not sure what your issue is either. I would love it if my DH loved cleaning and it certainly wouldn't irritate me - I would be more irritated to live with a total slob that I had to clean up after. It sounds like you don't actually like him very much and you are looking for an excuse to leave.

You can leave a relationship for any reason; and the reason here is that you are living with a sense of dread, you are policing your own actions for fear of triggering him, you're scared to mention or do somethings in case it triggers him.

Just because he isnt violent; doesnt mean you have to sacrifice your own peace. I specifically worded the paragraph so that it could have been about domestic violence, or abuse. Just because he doesnt batter you isnt where the bar is set

Having been where your DH is I understand. BUT if he admits he has OCD but does not get help and insists you follow his standards then you should leave. If you have children then you risk them growing up thinking that his behavour is normal and developing OCD too.

Not the time or the place to say what you'd love for your DH to do more cleaning; to belittle and mininise the question because you dont like the terminology thats been used is frankly ridiculous and unhelpful.

OP isnt obligated to give support and compassion, they are allowed to be burnt out and sick of the behaviours.

Its not all about you. Go read another thread or better still tell you DH to do some cleaning if you're that pissed off.

I would love it if my DH loved cleaning and it certainly wouldn't irritate me

hmmmm. Guessing you’ve never lived with someone who judges everything you do all of the time.

This is beyond forgetting to put the empty milk carton in the bina couple of times a week. Expecting people to wear special car shoes so the mats don’t get any dirt on them - unless you’ve been tramping through cow shit all day that is not entirely normal!

Id encourage him to get help. If not, then I’m not sure I could live with that.

I'd only stay if he was seriously seeking and engaging with support to address his issues. You shouldn't be tiptoeing around his reactions.
It doesn't sound like he is so fair enough to leave.

if he loves her he should recognise that he is making unreasonable demands and get therapy and convince her to stay.

OP - in your shoes i would ask him to choose between having me in his life and not making unreasonable demands (i would comply with some to show willing but shoe covers? nope) and living how he likes and not having me in his life.

Depending on his reaction, make up your mind.

You clearly dont understand the difference between OCD and loving cleaning despite your insistance a partner needs to be supportive.

Someone with OCD sets rules, however those rules quickly dont become enough and more rules are set. But these rapidly are not enough and higher are set. The majority of these rules are not neccesary.

I know because at my worst I was having 3 showers a day, and making a cup of tea would involve mulitple hand washes. This was not enough to calm my OCD and the more I did the more I wanted to do.

I like a clean kitchen and absolutely nothing on worktops, but your husband sounds pretty impossible to live with. I don’t think it’s OCD, more obsessive and unrealistic about cleaning.

Exactly this.

You can leave a relationship for any reason but if he genuinely has ocd he’s unwell and should seek support

it’s very very hard to live with someone with ocd sometimes. I recognise what you’re saying about internalising his way of seeing things - we had a conversation once where I told him I’d started having thoughts that weren’t mine they were his, and I couldn’t have that continue.

therapy is very helpful.

its also hard because I am naturally messy and finding a balance between us is complex, but I find it hard to draw a line between what he feels is acceptably tidy and clean and not dismissing that as being his ocd. It takes work

ocd is also not just about this. The intrusive thoughts are often horrendous and the baseline can be exhausting for him so I lighten the load where I can because I love him.

if he didn’t recognise it or seek any help that might be different

I have OCD, I would say I’m about 90-95% recovered. I still have hang ups with hand washing and raw chicken, but everything else is just fine. The important thing to note is that I make sure others do not have to accommodate my OCD, it is not their issue it is mine, so yes I was my hands frequently for instance but I do not expect this of others.

Now just for some perspective and empathy for your husband, when I was at the height of my OCD the compulsions were terrible, no matter how much I rationalised to myself, thought logically etc it never made any difference. So whilst I knew completely and utterly the compulsions were over the top and not necessary I still could not help myself and this is when I knew I really had a problem.

It sounds like your DH does recognise he has a problem, but that this can be changeable as he has other moments of justifying his behaviour. Yes it is fine to be concerned about hygiene and to want things to be clean, but being obsessive about it and imposing his unrealistic standards upon you is unreasonable. It is absolutely unfair of him to expect you to accommodate wearing booties in the car, or not allowing you to cook in your own home or to be unable to relax in your own space.

He needs to get help, he needs to be willing and wanting to get this help, it’s a difficult road to travel and requires commitment and work. I think you need to talk to him, make him understand that your marriage is at stake and why and see if that spurs him into action. If not, you are well within your rights to leave.

Omg, having a DH who vacuumed the house twice a day and made sure that there was no clutter lying around everywhere would be a dream come true!

My DH is the polar opposite of yours, OP. He leaves a trail of detritus everywhere he goes, leaves the kitchen in a mess, leaves clutter and junk everywhere.

Decide whether he wants to get help!
My friend, eventually got help! She would pick up my cup, when I visited, and take it straight to the sink to wash. I tried not to go to the loo while there because she would excuse herself and then go up to clean it! Eventually her DH insisted she get treatment and she’s now able to leave cups on the coffee table until I leave and I haven’t noticed her slide out after I’ve been to the toilet.

Has he ever expressed a concern about his issues and obsessions? If he hasn't, or indeed if he believes his way of doing things is superior to everyone else's and other people are deficient, then he may have obsessive compulsive personality disorder rather than OCD. It's more entrenched and difficult to treat. In any case, you should leave him if you're unhappy and have had enough.

It may well be a debilitating mental health condition but that doesn't mean OP has to stay in a relationship where she's unhappy.

Don't try and guilt her into staying. It's a really shitty thing to do.