To leave my husband because of his OCD?

[Notacleaningfairy]

He is not diagnosed OCD but has admitted he “probably” has it and I completely agree.

I’ve just been asked if I can start wearing shoe covers in the car as the mats get too muddy. If I don’t want to wear shoe covers then I must have another pair of trainers to change into before I get into the car. We drive a ford, not a Lamborghini.

I don’t want to give off the impression that I don’t clean because I absolutely do but it’s not to his standard and it never will be.

He will vacuum twice a day when he’s working and 3 times a day if he’s off. He does all the cooking because I make too much of a mess when I do. He can’t have anything sitting on any units, everything must be put away or hidden. There is so much more I could write but I won’t bore you all.

I’m finding it so hard. I am constantly worrying the house isn’t clean enough for him. The other week when I was driving my window steamed up a little so I brushed it with my hand and instantly regretted it because I knew he would be annoyed.

One day he will admit he has a problem and will apologise if he’s asking too much and the next day he will tell me there is nothing wrong with wanting things clean and that he “doesn’t ask for much”

help

Yanbu. I have my own mental health issues. Not like your husband, but I have to take responsibility for those so it doesn’t have to have a negative effect on those around me. Or at least minimise it as much as I can.

Your husband’s issues are having a negative effect on you and his marriage to you. He needs to find ways to help him deal with his (possible/probable) OCD.

Is it actually OCD though or is he just anal about cleanliness? Just because you don’t mention the reasons behind the cleanliness. My son has OCD, his symptoms started at 6 and he was officially diagnosed at 8, he’s now in his teens.
It is debilitating, my son rituals are done because he believes if he doesn’t do them, he or someone he loves will get cancer, die a horrific death, the house will burn down etc etc he won’t touch certain things or people and he washes his hands and body until his skin bleeds.
OCD is all consuming, repetitive thinking and behaviours that the sufferer believes will prevent things happening.

Being super clean isn’t OCD and just a stereotype of what people believe OCD to be.

If he says it more a you problem than a him problem, you could just stop doing all the things he asks you to. Live just as you want to live and when he tells you you need to change or do something his way, just say "No. that's a you problem, not a me problem."

But that would probably be a pretty miserable life, so leaving is better. You could stop pandering to him while you get you prep to leave, though.

As others have said, the level of control is abusive, his disability doesn't make okay. And his lack of willingness to address his disability means you don't have any hope if you stay with him.

Tomorrow, OP, call up some solicitors and get some intro meetings to find one you like. See where you stand with divorce. Work out your budget and, assuming you don't have children who aren't adults, start looking for other places to live. If you have children work out if you're likely to be able to keep the home or how that transition might look. It is particularly important to leave if you have children - untreated mental health problems in adults in the home are very damaging to children's lives. See if you will qualify for any benefits. Start talking to family and friends you can trust about what your going through and what you're planning. Start thinking about what your life can be like when you get out from under this abuse.

Sometimes when he works away for a few nights he will text me asking me to please make sure everything is done for him coming home and has also sent a list in the past, I almost left then.

That is the kind of event that would make me sit him down for a serious talk about getting help, or it will be relationship ending.

Are you young? Do you want children? I wouldn't have children with someone who would restrict their activities hugely. He wouldn't be able to cope with toddler hood, for instance.

Why not just fail to do any of the things he requires and then he'll end up leaving?

Most of my questions were for her not for her to ask her husband.

Behaviours rarely happen in a vacuum and if she's questioning whether she wants to stay as it is now it doesn't hurt to look back to see how you got there. If I said to my partner, for the last 6 months since you started this new job you have been on edge and more rigid in your thinking. I feel I can't meet your standards, talk to me what is going on? And he comes back with an explanation about how he doesn't like the job and the bureaucracy and an apology and we can come up with a route forward as a couple I would take that over leaving and finding out there was something that could easily be changed.

Whether it's OCD, depression, anxiety, whatever is not the problem it's a symptom. The focus on the behaviours isn't going to get you very far. To him it is a completely reasonable request not doing it makes him very stressed. Having to do it is making her very stressed. It's a stalemate. I'm just saying take a step back, move away from the behaviours away from the labels and have a conversation. If at the end of the conversation you are still at a stalemate walk away. If there's a revelation and he wants to go and work on that, it's a different decision. My partner and I have been together more than half our lives, it's often not been easy we have had to have frank and honest conversations. It's only then we can come up with solutions that find balance with life and our mental and emotional health

'YAWN'! This isn't about you and what you want or like and where does it says the op is a slob? Also don't know where ist suggests the op is looking for an excuse to leave.

I'm getting fed up of the posters on here who just view posts in their own way - a totally screwed up version and use it to put down the op.

Op like most others have said it is not unreasonable for you to want to leave. He is controlling - whether he means to be or not. Either way, you shouldn't have to be putting up with him.

Work colleagues’ husband is like this. They came home from holiday and the first thing he did was clean the worktops in the kitchen and told her as if to say that was one less thing she had to do. She has to put her gym bag in the boot of the car in case it scratches the fabric seat covers. They have a summer holiday home and he turns off the water every week. When their grandaughter comes every week her toys are all taken out of the loft and when she leaves have to go back again.
He has been referred and attends a local hospital and told the doctor in front of his wife that she needed to change to be like him and so that everything was fine and the doctor told him that “no he was the one who needed to change”.

Which is all well and good until you live in fear of making a mess , being criticised for wearing the wrong shoes in the car and being constantly told that your own cleaning isn't up to scratch.

Who knows what is wrong with him, but I would not live like that.

He does not have a diagnosis of OCD. He has not sought one or tried to get help. All I can see is a coercively controlling man.

What are the obsessional thoughts that he is attempting to neutralise? That is the core of OCD. If you don’t have obsessional thoughts you don’t have OCD.

Even if he does have it you accommodating his behaviour is entrenching it and making it worse. It is not kind in the long term to facilitate someone’s OCD rituals or reassurance seeking as you are only making it worse

I would tell him that I refuse to live like this any longer and that if he wants my sympathy and accommodations for his abnormal behaviour then he needs to get a diagnosis and medication and start therapy and that I will only clean to my own standards from now on.

It depends on how much you love him and what’s most important to you.

I do think though that a lot of mn posts about leaving spouses with illness or disability shows how far we have come from “in sickness and in health”.

Personally, I would not (and did not) leave someone I love because of something they have limited control over.

If they were being a nasty git about it and refusing to acknowledge the problem it would be another scenario altogether but if the person is doing their best then I would stick with them because that’s the deal.
Rough with the smooth.

Guessing you didnt read the OP updates about making lists for her while he was away, refusing to acknowledge he has a problem, its her problem to deal with.

Sounds more like coercive control that he is tagging as OCD so it has more impact and makes OP less likely to challenge.

You are misreading my post if you think it is either entirely directed at the OP or that I am telling her to stay with him.
As I have written, it depends on the situation.

I could not live like this.

Has he always been like this or is it something that has progressively worsened?

I would discuss with him why he does it, he needs to recognise it is not normal behaviour, it is either OCD or coercive and understand the impact on you and that you cannot be expected to tolerate it. Do not let your own perception of normal change or be eroded. If he can’t understand and won’t attempt professional help I would leave.

If you don’t have kids yet do not consider any until this is resolved, if you do, you need to quickly protect them from this damaging level of control.

He's really very very sick. You NEED to give him one last ultimatum. Tell him he is very sick and needs help, and you are giving him one week to arrange it or you will be filing for divorce and tell him this time you mean it.

What do his parents/family think?

Honestly thats ridiculous... No nit a way to livev... Your instinct with the list is correct.... Imagine never receiving those texts again... I could feel your shoulders drop from here
Thats abusive not supportive.. please set yourself free..

I agree it’s by no means clear that this is OCD.

The obsessive part of OCD covers recurrent, intrusive thoughts/urges perceived as unwanted/ distressing. The compulsive part occurs when the person tries to suppress or manage these thoughts with repetitive behaviour (eg washing, checking, arranging) or repetitive thoughts (eg counting, searching, praying) obsessively and rigidly.

One of the key symptoms is anxiety - the behaviours are to manage anxiety and distress.

Is DH anxious, distressed with obsessive thoughts triggering compulsive, repetitive behaviour that is time consuming and impacts his life?

If not - he may just be controlling, preoccupied with a clean, tidy environment on his terms. Once he starts controlling people - partner and children - that’s coercive control.

Either would be difficult to live with and it’s ok to decide you can’t cope whatever the cause. Both are difficult to treat - so long term prognosis is not great.

Yes, exactly.

It would be untypical, or at least surprising, for OCD to involve making a list for someone else to follow!

Not a chance i would stay and live the rest of my life like this. There is no consideration here for you at all from him. Screw that. Go and live your best life OP. Best of luck

It's actually not atypical at all, but the way he is going about it is possibly more suggestive of obsessive compulsive personality disorder or simply highly controlling behaviour.

YWBU for leaving him because of his OCD, YWNBU for leaving him for refusing to acknowledge that he has an illness and to get treatment. I have previously had quite serious OCD, though a different type than you describe, and know it was very difficult for my DW during flare ups, though she was always very supportive. However, I was desperate to recover and after being able to access therapy and medication it is now very well controlled and rarely causes us any significant issues. I know how difficult it can be to deal with, but he has to want to get better if he doesn’t want it to destroy his health and relationships, and if he doesn’t you are completely reasonable to not want to continue to support him when he won’t support himself.

I worry about conflating this behaviour with OCD. Does his panic spiral on the days when he can only hoover twice as opposed to three times? Does he have an seemingly purposeless habits such as needing to count and recount things, having to chrck rooms multiple times before he can leave them, or needing to perform rituals to reduce anxiety or keep things 'safe'. Is there meaning behind the number of times he hoovers, i.e. is three times the magic number for it to feel clean to him?

Thank you for all the messages, I’ve read through every one of them.

I tried to have a chat with him last night. I asked him if he will please seek help. He told me I’m the one that needs help and that I’m lucky he does so much and the house would fall to pieces without him doing everything. He doesn’t do everything though that’s the thing. If it wasn’t for me he wouldn’t have clean clothes to wear everyday, he would have no food in the house, etc etc