To leave my husband because of his OCD?

[Notacleaningfairy]

He is not diagnosed OCD but has admitted he “probably” has it and I completely agree.

I’ve just been asked if I can start wearing shoe covers in the car as the mats get too muddy. If I don’t want to wear shoe covers then I must have another pair of trainers to change into before I get into the car. We drive a ford, not a Lamborghini.

I don’t want to give off the impression that I don’t clean because I absolutely do but it’s not to his standard and it never will be.

He will vacuum twice a day when he’s working and 3 times a day if he’s off. He does all the cooking because I make too much of a mess when I do. He can’t have anything sitting on any units, everything must be put away or hidden. There is so much more I could write but I won’t bore you all.

I’m finding it so hard. I am constantly worrying the house isn’t clean enough for him. The other week when I was driving my window steamed up a little so I brushed it with my hand and instantly regretted it because I knew he would be annoyed.

One day he will admit he has a problem and will apologise if he’s asking too much and the next day he will tell me there is nothing wrong with wanting things clean and that he “doesn’t ask for much”

help

I don't think the OP is equating OCD with being a "neat freak." She's describing someone whose need to control his environment is so extensive that he's placing unreasonable restrictions on her behaviour e.g saying she can't cook in her own house, changing shoes before she drives her car. It's got to the stage where he's a critical voice in her head.

OP, you should not have to live like this. I'm not sure if you have DC, but if you do, living in a house like this will damage them. Your partner is controlling. What would happen if you said you wanted to cook? Or ignored his messages about spills? If he won't admit he has a problem then yes, I think you need to leave.

Well, there’s a whole middle ground between a ‘neat freak’ and a total slob. It isn’t one or the other.

@Notacleaningfairy thank you for starting this thread. I’ve considered it many times myself.

My DH is diagnosed OCD and it is fucking exhausting to live with. I will never ever meet his standards. Never.
I love him dearly and part of him loving me is knowing that he has to find a way of coping with me hanging the laundry facing the wrong way or putting stuff away in the wrong order. His therapist asked him to show me his long long list of OCD triggers and responses. It was shocking! It must be horrendous to have those thoughts all the time. However, sometimes I long for someone to understand what it’s like being NT living with a spouse who is ND. We’re expected to be supportive all the time and I wish there was a bit of support for us!

OCD very much can be going OTT with housework. Its not normal to insist on shoe covers before getting into a car for eg.
No way to live OP and unless he gets help personally I would leave.

OCD is ALL about control!!!!

If you love your dh and see a future with him you need to very much encourage him to get professional help. If you can't see a future with him then leave and it might spur him on to get help.

Either way he needs professional help ASAP for everyone's sake.

Has he always been this way or did something seem to trigger it? How is he with food?

Fingerprints or marks on windows REALLY annoys me. It’s not hard to turn the hot fans on for a bit to clear the glass!

The rest of it sounds really hard to live with though.

There was another recent thread about OCD. One poster described how her children had to have showers and change all their clothes every time they came home from school.

I think op that it's fine to struggle with something like this, many people do. But once it starts to hurt you or others around you then you have to take accountability for yourself and get help.

So in that respect I would leave if he continues not to get any help. His behaviour may be as a result of the ocd but it's also controlling and borderline abusive and you don't want to live like this or if you have kids have them growing up thinking this is normal.

The fact you're on egg shells worried about meeting his standards is no way to live. So I would give him an ultimatum and either he starts meaningfully engaging with help or you leave.

@Additupobviously I know that ocd is about control but as other posters have pointed out it’s accompanied by intrusive debilitating thoughts.
op has described someone controlling her not himself.

"... trying to get him help. I have asked and he has refused. He says it’s more a me problem than a problem with him."

OP to me this is the key bit. If he was willing to go to the GP and access therapy (as a PPs husband) and maybe medication then he's acknowledging he (and you) are struggling and trying to change it. It's still tough but there's hop it'll improve. But to think it's a you problem is very unreasonable. He has to help the situation, you won't be able to sort it. The more you change to accomodate his anxiety, the more and more he (his anxiety) will ask of you. As someone who's had anxiety, it grows and tries to shrink your world more and more if you don't fight it. Until your husband accepts he needs help you're in a downward spiral. I think you have to look after your own MH and wellbeing. It's absolutely ok to walk away.

OP - I didn't mean to be so hard on you. Having first hand experience of living with someone with OCD makes me somewhat irritated when the stereotype of excessive cleaning is used in the context of OCD as it automatically makes me think that they don't know what it really is. Ironically enough DS2 is actually really untidy despite his OCD - his compulsions are quite specific and he used to joke that it would have been easier if it was all about cleaning and tidying as at least there would have been an upside. If your DH does have OCD it is perfectly acceptable for you to ask him to get help and if he constantly refuses then that is not your problem. Although from the sounds of your texts my gut feel is that perhaps this is not OCD - it sounds like he is trying to control you in a somewhat abusive way. DS2 used to go to great lengths to try and hide his compulsions because he was so ashamed of them while your DH seems to using them as a way to control you. Also if he has gone as far as to declare he has OCD then usually this would be the tipping point that would make him agree to seek help, whereby it sounds like perhaps he is using it as an excuse to justify the way he treat you. Do you still love him? Are there any elements of him that you still love and want to be with? If this answers to these questions are no, then you probably have your answer.

People with OCD do often seek to control their whole environment and everyone else in it (as well as themselves).
It is a debilitating condition for those with it and those they live with because of the often unreasonable levrls of control exerted by the sufferer on themselves and those around them.

Seriously he sounds like an utter arsehole.

OCD is an awful disease. There are medications and therapies that can help. Are his compulsion getting worse? Is there anything causing him increased anxiety? Try to get him to get help. Whilst there is no cure doctors can refer him for various therapies such as response prevention and cbt.

This is reading as abuse now.

Yes I would leave.

The idea that these disorders can only be recognised by a professional is asinine. Most people can recognise alcoholism, ocd, panic disorder and many other issues. Psychological assessments are far from perfect and professionals often disagree with one another.

This is no way to live, OP. It doesn't sound like OCD, it sounds like control.

There is an ocean between the two, and I would express serious concern that you're being mentally beaten into living like this.

@Unusualdog totally disagree with you. The untrained amateur cannot exclude differentials. A lot of disorders and conditions look similar and have overlap.
Op is describing controlling behaviour but no other impacts on the husband.

My teen has OCD too. It's exhausting at times. I do find that supporting him in other ways helps if his OCD gets bad. If I take the focus off the OCD topic he's on about and support the family in other ways instead/too. Basically I think that they lose the ability to maintain a healthy routine during those times so someone else might have to instead. Keep going out walking/exercising/doing light-hearted things with him if you are staying

It's not "a dream come true" to have a husband who is forever making ridiculous demands because of his anxieties.

That’s no way to live.

I have OCD (completely different behaviours and rituals to your husband) and I am getting CBT for it. It helps a lot. I would say my symptoms are less impacting on others than your DH’s but they do still have an impact so it’s selfish not to get help.

A lot of OCD comes down to low self esteem so he may feel he’s somehow not good enough if everything isn’t clean - but that doesn’t mean you have to live with that.

People with genuine OCD will likely be willing to seek help if offered (and they are a decent person) because they don’t enjoy living like that. If he’s very resistant I’d question whether it is actually OCD.

That’s why I think his reaction to the idea of getting help is instructive

Oh get lost. Her DH is making her life a misery. If he has OCD, he needs to seek treatment.

Sounds like hell, a bit like those people who insist on getting changed into indoor clothes before sitting on the sofa.

I couldn't live like that...