To leave my husband because of his OCD?

[Notacleaningfairy]

He is not diagnosed OCD but has admitted he “probably” has it and I completely agree.

I’ve just been asked if I can start wearing shoe covers in the car as the mats get too muddy. If I don’t want to wear shoe covers then I must have another pair of trainers to change into before I get into the car. We drive a ford, not a Lamborghini.

I don’t want to give off the impression that I don’t clean because I absolutely do but it’s not to his standard and it never will be.

He will vacuum twice a day when he’s working and 3 times a day if he’s off. He does all the cooking because I make too much of a mess when I do. He can’t have anything sitting on any units, everything must be put away or hidden. There is so much more I could write but I won’t bore you all.

I’m finding it so hard. I am constantly worrying the house isn’t clean enough for him. The other week when I was driving my window steamed up a little so I brushed it with my hand and instantly regretted it because I knew he would be annoyed.

One day he will admit he has a problem and will apologise if he’s asking too much and the next day he will tell me there is nothing wrong with wanting things clean and that he “doesn’t ask for much”

help

A partner with a lifelong mental health disorder would be a "dream come true"? Really?

Both me and my partner have quite significant OCD. I also grew up with a sister with significant OCD who imposed so many rules and it is suffocating. It's just as hard to live with someone elses as it is your own. You are not being unreasonable. There are times i want to leave my relationship because i feel more like a carer/therapist etc than a partner (he won't make decisions for himself, even tiny things like he owes someone £5 but can only withdraw £10, I'll get woken by a phonecall to ask is that okay to withdraw £10 and then he just spends some to get a £5 note)

This is all dreadful advice.

YABU to leave someone purely because they have an illness.

YANBU to leave because he has a condition that he is unwiling to address or put the work in to manage. The more you accomodate his behaviours, the worse it gets. He needs to seek therapy and support.

The sole purpose of car mats is to collect dirt so that the carpets don’t get dirty.

I don't think this is fair to the OP.

Sounds exhausting and a tad controlling tbh.

Can't you just leave him to crack on and do all the cleaning?

I have to say, I don't like muddy shoes in my car messing the mats. I actually have a second set of waterproof mats on top on the branded carpet mats for this reason.

I kind of wish my husband was like that! After 25 yrs he puts his laundry in the basket and will wash up once in a while, but that’s about it! He does loads of other things for us (sorts out bills, looked after our kids when they were younger, takes the cars to be serviced etc.).
I actually think I may have OCD…. My husband tellls me my standards are too high when it comes to the house and that I worry too much about that kind of stuff! That’s probably why I went against the grain and said YABU! Just take it in your stride. Less work for you to do! 😜

Criticising the OP because she is finding living with someone whose behaviour is incredibly controlling - regardless of the cause of that behaviour - is the height of ignorance. His behaviours are having a massive impact on her own mental health. Are you saying that doesn’t matter, that she should accept it? That one person’s mental health concerns trump someone else’s?
The OP is suffering directly as a result of another person’s behaviour towards her. She has the right to say enough is enough.

What happens when you say no? Or the mats are muddy?

That is no way to live. I think your husband needs to pursue a diagnosis, probably privately, and seek help.
If he is resistant to that, then possibly it’s not a disorder, he’s just being controlling.
Either way, you do not have to live like that, and his nagging you into his ways will completely destroy your relationship and possibly your own self confidence.

Time to sit him down and lay down your own rules for the way forward.

In your shoes, I’d give him an ultimatum: get therapy and within 6 months he needs to be living a more normal life where there isn’t this impact on you.

If he doesn’t get therapy, I’d leave. His problem to deal with.
Yes it is mental health but he has to help himself - if he chooses not to, then he chooses the consequences too.

No, just one who "vacuumed the house twice a day and made sure that there was no clutter lying around everywhere".

The OP's DH has no diagnosed illness, by the way.

You don't have to be diagnosed to have an illness that impacts your life and that of those around you.

OP wouldn't have posted if this was just about someone who vacuumed a lot and liked a tidy house, and it's a bit insensitive to say "ooh, I'd love a man like that" when she's clearly struggling.

How does he react if you don't go along with his requests?

Is he apologetic about his demands and their effect on your life?

I think my decision to stay or not would depend on the answer to those questions.

I've been in a relationship where I've had to walk on eggshells to get things right - I left when I realised how much anxiety it was causing me.

If someone close to you has a serious illness, be in physical or mental, it can have a very detrimental effect on close family members. I am not denying that - and if the OPs husband does indeed have OCD then he will be very difficult to live with. My DS2 has (clinically diagnose) OCD and believe me, it has not been easy on any member of the family but it would never cross any of our minds to abandon him. He too did not want to seek help initially - in fact he was in complete denial. The external behaviours he was exhibiting (in his case control over food as well as cleanliness) while very irritating were nothing compared to the mental anguish that was going on in his head. So actually I find the OPs post troubling because this is her DH who she promised to love in sickness and in health and she wants to leave because things have become tough because of an illness that he hasn't asked to have. This country is in the midst of a mental health crisis and external help is actually very difficult to come by and if you can't rely on your family to stick by you, I find that quite depressing. Now if the OPs DH doesn't actually have OCD (and none of us knows if he does) and he just has behavioural characteristics that are both irritating and borderline abusive and the OP is not happy in the relationship then she has every right to leave and no one. I was just pointing out that if you love someone then you are usually able to look fast irritating characteristics. I know lots of people who are "neat freaks" but don't have OCD.

I don’t want anyone to think I would consider leaving my husband without trying to get him help. I have asked and he has refused. He says it’s more a me problem than a problem with him.

Yesterday I received a text while at work asking if I had spilled something in the kitchen before I left, I replied no, and he replied well you must have I’ve just cleaned it up.

Sometimes when he works away for a few nights he will text me asking me to please make sure everything is done for him coming home and has also sent a list in the past, I almost left then.

Does he show any concern for you? Does he apologise for these requests?

He's coming across as very controlling.

Yanbu to want to leave him.
What an utterly miserable existence for you.
Don't inflict him on children.
That would be a genuinely awful thing to do.

Please read my earlier post about OCPD @Notacleaningfairy . He has no insight at all into his issues and no interest in gaining any. He won't change. I could not live like this and nor should you.

It doesn't matter whether or not there is a diagnosis, this is absolutely no way to live for OP. If DH isn't willing to compromise and change his god-awful attitude there is no future. The fact he sees it as an OP problem and not his own means there is no fixing this. Under no circumstances have children with this man OP, he simply will not cope with them and they don't deserve this misery too.

Do you vacuum 3 times daily? Do you not allow anyone else to cook because they make too much mess etc? It’s not just a matter of dirty car mats or fingerprints on a car window that seems to be the problem here.

Are you considering leaving though? It never really sounds like people are in these posts. Leaving is totally different to having a rant.

people saying you need to get help are being a little naive- many, many people who have “help” continue to live large parts of their life or sometimes their whole life with OCD. There isn’t medication you take that just stops it.

living with a spouse with mental illness can be exhausting and breed resentment. If you are genuinely thinking of separating, then I would start the process. You don’t need permission