To leave my husband because of his OCD?

[Notacleaningfairy]

He is not diagnosed OCD but has admitted he “probably” has it and I completely agree.

I’ve just been asked if I can start wearing shoe covers in the car as the mats get too muddy. If I don’t want to wear shoe covers then I must have another pair of trainers to change into before I get into the car. We drive a ford, not a Lamborghini.

I don’t want to give off the impression that I don’t clean because I absolutely do but it’s not to his standard and it never will be.

He will vacuum twice a day when he’s working and 3 times a day if he’s off. He does all the cooking because I make too much of a mess when I do. He can’t have anything sitting on any units, everything must be put away or hidden. There is so much more I could write but I won’t bore you all.

I’m finding it so hard. I am constantly worrying the house isn’t clean enough for him. The other week when I was driving my window steamed up a little so I brushed it with my hand and instantly regretted it because I knew he would be annoyed.

One day he will admit he has a problem and will apologise if he’s asking too much and the next day he will tell me there is nothing wrong with wanting things clean and that he “doesn’t ask for much”

help

My daughter does this off her own back as she is seriously grossed out by school germs and her school is gross apparently (she's in year 8) ps it wasn't my comment was it?

My best friend is diagnosed with it and hates herself to her core, she is resistant to getting help because she’s very fearful of doctors and medical settings, that’s one of her biggest triggers. The more I’ve learnt about it the more I know that someone being resistant to seeking help is often not an indicator that it can’t be OCD, it’s often part of the ocd itself. Im not saying that OP should put up with her life being restricted the way it is, I don’t think she should. Just that him not seeking help isn’t an indicator he can’t have it.

I had a very brief thing with a clean obsessive man when I was much younger. I'm what could be described as a slob. This one time he was frantically dusting his rented room in a shared house and I commented I wouldn't bother doing so and he said "you'll learn". The relationship never went anywhere and I'm fucking glad it didn't. And I didn't learn. I have cobwebs on all my ceiling lights

That level of obsessive compulsive focus on cleaning must be draining for you and for him. Have you suggested he gets diagnosis/help to manage this?
Do you feel you have to go along with the OCD behaviours ?
What would happen if you said: You can do as you wish, but i'm not doing those things? EG: Changing shoes or wearing shoe covers in the car.

OCD is an anxiety disorder. It would generally involve a fear about the consequences of not cleaning, not just ‘liking things clean’. Theres no way I’d live with someone like this either way though, how tedious.

Also look up OCPD. It has some similarities but is a personality disorder not an anxiety disorder.

Is this a new thing? YABU if he's always been like from the early days of your relationship. YANBU if it's something new.

This is sounding like abuse.

Maybe unintended from him and what he needs but a level of control that must be unbearably difficult for you.
I feel so sorry for you. If he's not agreeing to help, your life will never change. Your dc will suffer damage.
I would leave.

I couldnt live like this.

By staying you are also essentially signing up for a child free existence...because how are you going to drag a child.into this

I don't think I could live with this level of control and feeling like I was walking in eggshells the whole time.

I think whether it's OCD or not is a bit of a red herring. His needs don't trump yours and vice versa. If there is no room for compromise on what level of clean/tidiness is accepted, it may be better to separate .

what a judgemental and unhelpful comment

He's making a very unreasonable demand on you.

Yes exactly. This sounds like abuse/control not OCD

My youngest DD has (diagnosed) OCD, so I understand how hard it is to live with someone with the condition (although not as hard as it is for the sufferer).

In your shoes I would have a "come to Jesus" talk with DH. Let him know that you can't continue to live like this, and that if he refuses to get help for his OCD, you will be left with no choice but to initiate divorce proceedings. I would be clear that you do not want to divorce, that your very strong preference is that he gets help and you tackle the OCD together, but that you are serious about being unable to continue the relationship as is.

Presumably he wasn't always like this?
Must be very difficult for you to live with

Sometimes when he works away for a few nights he will text me asking me to please make sure everything is done for him coming home and has also sent a list in the past, I almost left then.

This sounds more like control. How dare he send a list for you to complete, fair enough if he came home and completed the things on the list himself but it’s outrageous he expected you to do it like some sort of little woman.

My closest friend had OCD after her first child was born and it was hell for her. She had set routines to follow before she left the house and rituals to do when she came back home, nothing was ever clean enough for her at the time. She’s better now, had loads of CBT and it was a struggle for her to get where is today. OCD is probably different for everyone but your DH needs help of he’s trying to control everyone around him by sending lists.

Let him do it.
You put your feet up.
You never use you hand/fingers to clean the inside of a car window surely? It leaves horrible marks. Use a cloth.
IF it is filthy mud in the car then fair enough. If it’s just usual town dirt then not necessary.

It sounds like an absolute nightmare. If you want to give him a chance, tell him that he must compromise and get help for his unreasonable expectations regarding cleaning (whether OCD or not). If he doesn't want to do anything to keep the relationship you have your answer. If he does make some changes but you are still walking on eggshells, you are free to leave at any time.

OCD like any other syndrome/illness like that is a reason.
Its not an excuse.
It does NOT, and never will, mean that the partner HAS TO accommodate them to their level whatever the level is.
It is totally ok to ask someone with OCD to take their partner needs into account (like not wanting to live on eggshell, constantly worried that something is going to set them off).

@Notacleaningfairy it’s totally ok to ask him to 1- be assessed and 2- be open to a discusdion on what’s going to acceptable to both of you and what isn’t.

Eg the shoe cover in the car is bonkers, especially if he is driving. Theyre slippery agd are actually dangerous to wear whikst driving. If he is asking you to do that it isn’t doing it himself, then the answer is No.
If he is refusing to communicate with you, to find solutions together or to be assessed and supported/treated, then yes I would considered separation.
The reason is that, wo any of that, you’re going to run yourself ragged tryimg to meet some never ending varying standard of cleanliness (like again the shoes in the car is bonkers- shoes are ok until suddenly theyre not)

Also that sounds more and more like control rather OCD.

The fact he refused to be assessed and is telling you it’s all your fault is telling imo.
Like the so called spill in the kitchen that doesn’t exist - gaslighting?? Otherwise, he really needs help. It’s not just repeated rituals, it’s see things that don’t exist too.

How long has it been like this? A person doesn't wake up one day and insist on this level of compliance. When did it go from "I like things neat, clean and tidy" to I need my environment to look like this and you must comply too.

My partner and MIL both get anxious if there is "mess" my in-laws house is almost uncomfortably tidy for me coming from a very disordered house. I can give you a fairly accurate score of out 10 for how stressed he's feeling based on how he irked he gets from things being out of place. I check in with him and talk about what's going on.

Things out don't bother me but when I'm struggling with my mental health I get a compulsion to creat order out of the cupboards. My brain feels messy and I can't order it so I find things I can order ... Which does then drive my partner up the wall as the process tends to create quite a bit of mess!

You need to sit down and discuss reasonable requests on both parts. Shoe covers are possibly a step too far but changing shoes if you have walked somewhere particularly dirty is not. When my daughters nursery had a temporary car park we would take her shoes off as otherwise the seats were a mess. We are fairly rural and do a lot of walking I always take two sets of shoes in my in-laws car "clean" shoes to be worn in the car and my walking shoes that stay in the boot.

You are a bit of a frog in a slowly simmering pan of water that you have just realised has reached rapid boil. I would talk about the triggers, what changed to cause this level of control, is there a way forward. If he is willing to engage with the conversation I'd stay. If you meet a brick wall "this is how I am, live with it" well you don't have too, some times a person has to come to their own decision that something has to change you can't change it for them.

@Superscientist why is it that it’s the OP’s responsibility to talk to him, find his triggers, what has changed etc…?
When the OP has told him it’s stressing her out, he is refusing to even think about assessment despite the impact in her.
Where is his respect and care towards her? Where is he taking responsibility for their relationship together?

Assuming the OP talking to him etc… works, the responsibility of making that relationship working will fully rest on her shoulders, on her constantly checking if things are ok for him. And with him not taking responsibility fir his issue (that he says is all hers anyway). That's not a way to live

I think you're being extremely unfair.

First, yes you're right that if it is OCD then it is a serious mental health condition and of course people deserve compassion for this. However, that compassion does naturally reduce over time for a person who refuses to seek help despite being told by their life partner (who they are supposed to love and respect) that they think something is wrong. I work with people with serious mental health challenges (including chronic OCD) in a professional capacity and have experienced some (admittedly less severe) difficulties of my own, so I have a lot of empathy for how shit it can be. Yet I've also seen plenty of people whose lives are made a misery by the mental health problems of their partners and family members to an extent whereby I can't blame them for stepping away from the relationship. For example some people have such severe anxiety that they think their partner will die whenever they leave the house without them, or that they themselves will die if left alone. Should their partners be obliged to stay home with them 24:7? I think not.

Secondly, if being a clean freak is 'just a preference', you seem to be completely invalidating the feelings of the OP just because they don't match what you imagine your own would be in her shoes. It is difficult to live with a partner who has very different preferences and expectations to your own. It is even more difficult when they refuse to compromise with you or to accept your perspective as valid - as seems to be the case for the OP's husband from her description. Also I'm sorry but hoovering 2 or 3 times A DAY? Contacting her when she's at work to interrogate her about a spill? Providing her with a list of instructions / requirements for housework when he is the one who is away? This sounds pretty horrible to me. I wouldn't be able to cope with it and it makes me angry to think that anyone else has to deal with this!

Finally: yes I know OCD is a specific condition that people shouldn't align themselves or others with casually, but it's also true that diagnostic criteria have a degree of subjectivity and that a lot of problems exist on a continuum of severity. It therefore isn't a binary choice between 'the OP's DH has a condition and needs sympathy' and 'The OP's DH has a preference'. And people facing mental health challenges can be controlling dickheads as much as anyone else.

YABU to assume that somebody who is obsessive about cleaning has OCD. It’s a lot more complex than that and is an incredibly debilitating and distressing condition to have.

If he really has OCD then he needs a professional assessment to be properly diagnosed so he can access treatment and YWBU to leave him without even trying to help with this.

If it isn’t OCD then he should get some help to understand what is driving the behaviour.

OK something to consider: that's it's not OCD, it's about control, or it's anxiety. Especially in light of you getting messages when you're at work and while you're away.

OCD is more about compulsions, rituals and intrusive thoughts. He'd want to clean because something in his head makes him feel very uneasy, and he's using the behaviour to 'deal' with them. E.g. an intrusive thought/feeling is telling him that everything needs to be 'perfect', and he might feel uneasy/doom/like something is going to go horribly wrong if there isn't perfection.

With anxiety, I think that is more about something else being an issue (a worry about health, a job, something out of his control) and the cleaning is a way to distract/get through the day. Perhaps he feels everything hinges on the house being clean and tidy, like a worry that he won't have time to sort it all, or that the whole day or his week will be derailed if the house is a mess. Like it's a house of cards and it's all about to tumble because one cup is out of place.

With both, a fear of germs and a need to clean to stop germs from infecting you/your house is also possible.

Control is the big one I'd consider here. Even if only to rule it out. That he is weaponising cleaning to undermine you, to spoil a work trip for you, to make you feel bad. To get you to remember who is boss, and get you to sing to his hymn sheet. Perhaps as a way "in" to message you, so he can check you are where you say you are.

That's just my understanding - so take all that with a pinch of salt. But maybe you're thinking he can't help it, it's OCD, and it's not. It might change your perspective a bit.

There’s a whole world of difference between a child with a mental illness and a partner. The relationship is very different. Have you ever seen a parent divorce their child?