To leave my husband because of his OCD?

[Notacleaningfairy]

He is not diagnosed OCD but has admitted he “probably” has it and I completely agree.

I’ve just been asked if I can start wearing shoe covers in the car as the mats get too muddy. If I don’t want to wear shoe covers then I must have another pair of trainers to change into before I get into the car. We drive a ford, not a Lamborghini.

I don’t want to give off the impression that I don’t clean because I absolutely do but it’s not to his standard and it never will be.

He will vacuum twice a day when he’s working and 3 times a day if he’s off. He does all the cooking because I make too much of a mess when I do. He can’t have anything sitting on any units, everything must be put away or hidden. There is so much more I could write but I won’t bore you all.

I’m finding it so hard. I am constantly worrying the house isn’t clean enough for him. The other week when I was driving my window steamed up a little so I brushed it with my hand and instantly regretted it because I knew he would be annoyed.

One day he will admit he has a problem and will apologise if he’s asking too much and the next day he will tell me there is nothing wrong with wanting things clean and that he “doesn’t ask for much”

help

That leaves you with a very difficult decision to make @Notacleaningfairy

Can you explain to him that he makes home life unlivable and anxious? He may love this life, but you dont, and if he cannot compromise then you cannot live with him anymore.

I agree. My daughter has diagnosed OCD and has none of these traits. This is a common idea about OCD but not actually true.

That is your answer. He doesn't have a problem. So he's telling you to put up or shut up. Do you want to put up with his behaviour and the way he treats you?

I’m afraid he is very ill and needs to seek help urgently. He is going to break himself mentally if allowed to continue with his obsessive behaviour, as well as breaking your spirit and ruining a marriage.

Somehow you need to persuade him to see a doctor. Showing him this thread may help? I don’t know his character, so am unsure.

This is terrible advice. Please do not show him the thread @Notacleaningfairy . I'm concerned that if you do that, his abusive behaviour may escalate. This man is not in any kind of mental health crisis at the moment. He either has a personality disorder or is a controlling abuser - or both. He can only be helped if he acknowledges his own problems and makes his own decision to seek help. He is nowhere near to doing this. OP is not responsible for him and should not try to pressure or force him towards help. Please drop the 'he is very ill' spiel. A person like this, in total denial, will cause untold misery to their loved ones with total disregard for anyone else's wellbeing. You do not need to explain this to him OP and he will never agree with you that he has a problem. You simply have to decide how much longer you want to tolerate this.

Whether this turns out to be coercive control or OCD or a combination - he has flagged loud and clear that he believes there is nothing wrong with him, that he doesn’t want or need treatment, and you’re the one with the problem.

So - you either accept things will not change - or you end the relationship.

My Mum was exactly like this and she everyone to live up to her exacting standards. My Dad wasn’t even allowed a wallet when out on his own because she was paranoid he would lose it. I think YNBU; this is not about someone who enjoys vacuuming it’s about control.

Absolutely- you know that you can't control this, and he's making it clear that you have no influence either. He's going to break your self-esteem. You're a frog in a warm pot of water. Time to save yourself.

This is about control. The more you try to placate him, the more he'll push you further. You have to stop. If he doesn't like the things you're doing, so what? He doesn't get to dictate how you live. Take back your autonomy from this dictator.

This is utterly ridiculous and not kind either by the way.

YANBU, and I say that as someone with OCD. I apologise to my DH all the time if my compulsions have affected him because I would never want him to feel the way you do. I will compulsively ask stuff like "did you wash your hands after you touched that?" "Did you definitely cook the chicken for long enough?" I try my best not to buy my mind will not let me rationalise it without getting the confirmation.

I also don't do it in a way where I'm saying there's something wrong with him for not doing things my way. I am well aware that washing your hands 5 times just to make a piece of toast is abnormal and not at all necessary and I'd never expect anyone else to do it.

However, there are some things that I consider to be common sense that he will then try and blame on my OCD such as not cleaning shoes in the kitchen sink for example, I feel like plenty of people without OCD wouldn't be happy with that.

...he hoovers three times a day. It doesn't matter what you call that, it's a problem.

THIS!! 100%

Yeah , he's not interested in your point of view and sees no need to change - so it's unlikely that he will.

Living with him sounds like hell to me - you must constantly be on eggshells. And apparently he is happy for you to feel that way. Not very nice, is it?