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AIBU?

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Original poster

To let teenage daughter not come to 6 told DB party

154 replies

Charlotte350 · 07/02/2026 11:42

To not let DD 15 attend 6 year old DB party
Last year I booked a little village hall party with a bouncy castle for my little one's birthday party, however my DD nearly 15 has said she didn't enjoy it and didn't want to attend a kids party again after I booked one again coming up next month. My DM who I am low contact with has reached out to DD by messaging her to go on a shopping trip with her the day before my son's birthday and said she will book the following day off (DS 6th birthday) and take DD out for fancy meal if she like to stop with her. DH is not very happy and thinks DM has done it on purpose, and that DD should be there for DS birthday party, I have spoken to him and said that DD will still see DS just later on that day. DD really doesn't want to go and said she will just hide away in the kitchen looking at her phone to avoid all the little kids. I don't believe in forcing her to come if she doesn't want to but DH said I can decide, but I don't think he's particularly happy if she doesn't attend and think she should be there. I'm just wanting some advice on wwyd in this situation?

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 07/02/2026 11:44

I think your mum’s plan is excellent and you should agree to it.

Thesnailonthewhale · 07/02/2026 11:45

DH is wrong..

Sister will see him on his actual birthday and in the party day.

Let her have a nice time with Granny.

Iwontbethere · 07/02/2026 11:46

What's your husbands problem, specifically?
No teenager wants to attend a 6yr olds party, it's fine.

NettleTea · 07/02/2026 11:48

theres a big age gap there, and this sounds like a good compromise. Its not as if she wont see him on his birthday, and I assume he is going to be more interested in his friends who want to play than his big sister in the kitchen.
Equally he wouldnt be interested in her party, if she had one.
If she enjoyed it, it would be one thing, and if she would enjoy spending time with her grandmother, then what is the problem.
Why would you want someone to be unhappy?

Dearg · 07/02/2026 11:49

Is your DH her dad? Either way, he is out of line.

She’s 15, why on earth would she want to go to a 6 year old boy’s party ?

ittakes2 · 07/02/2026 11:49

I think someone making a 15 year old go to a 6 year olds party has lost touch with reality.

redskydelight · 07/02/2026 11:51

Why does DH think she should be there? That's the key question to ask.
And is his expectation reasonable (or perhaps the result of childhood conditioning that he might not otherwise realise - yes, I admit to projecting here, but the message in my childhood was that if we didn't attend family events it meant we didn't care out our family)?

(Teen will be bored silly; and an unnecessary hindrance at a small children's party; let her celebrate with her brother at a different time)

ginnybag · 07/02/2026 11:53

If she's not the type of big sister to be helping run the party, then there's no point her being there.

Is it possible your DH thinks she should be helping?

justtheotheronemrswembley · 07/02/2026 11:53

A few things strike me really.

Your DD is a teenager and is well able to decide whether she wants to go to a 6 year-old's party or not, and she's also able to decide for herself whether she wants to do anything else instead. So my advice would be to let her choose what she wants to do.

Why are you low-contact with your DM? I'm assuming that your DH can't stand her either. If your DD is fond of her grandmother, then she should be allowed to have a relationship with her if she wishes, unless there is a very good reason why not.

Sc00byDont · 07/02/2026 11:54

Unless you need her help, it’s unfair to make your daughter attend if she doesn’t want to - your 6 year old won’t care and will have fun anyway. But that’s what I would be worried about.

I think your mother is stirring the pot. I notice you say you are low contact with her - guessing there’s a good reason … is it sensible to allow your daughter to be exposed to her without you present? Do you really want her to have lots of influence on your daughter?

Original poster
Charlotte350 · 07/02/2026 11:55

Dearg · 07/02/2026 11:49

Is your DH her dad? Either way, he is out of line.

She’s 15, why on earth would she want to go to a 6 year old boy’s party ?

He's brought her up since was 3 and she calls him dad

OP posts:
Callalilly2016 · 07/02/2026 11:55

It’s an odd expectation that a 15 year old would attend a 6 year old’s birthday party. Is it symptomatic of DH not understanding that DD is growing up and needs to be treated accordingly? You can’t treat a 15 and 6 year old in the same way. Maybe now is a good moment to reflect more generally on the age gap and ensure that both children are being treated appropriately for their respective ages.

Watchoutfortheslowaraf · 07/02/2026 11:56

Of course your 15 year old shouldn’t have to go to her brothers party. Mine are much closer in age and I still wouldn’t expect them to go to each others. Sounds like she’ll have a lovely time with your mum instead. Your dh needs to wind his neck in

Original poster
Charlotte350 · 07/02/2026 11:58

Sc00byDont · 07/02/2026 11:54

Unless you need her help, it’s unfair to make your daughter attend if she doesn’t want to - your 6 year old won’t care and will have fun anyway. But that’s what I would be worried about.

I think your mother is stirring the pot. I notice you say you are low contact with her - guessing there’s a good reason … is it sensible to allow your daughter to be exposed to her without you present? Do you really want her to have lots of influence on your daughter?

I'll be ok doing the catering. My daughter knows what my DM is like, but she's happy to go shopping with her as DM will spoil her I think she's just happy to get a good shopping day out of her tbh

OP posts:
GoldMerchant · 07/02/2026 11:58

She's 15 - of course she doesn't want to come to a little kid birthday party! Also, a grumpy teen sulking on her phone in a corner is neither going to add to the ambience or be missed by anyone.

Your DM's plan sounds extremely sensible to me, though I would have just let DD stay at home. I guess my only question is whether DM will also see your DS on his birthday or do a similar fun activity with him, so he's not left out.

Your DD needs to give a nice card and/or gift to her brother and be present at some part of the day - present opening, lunch, whatever. That meets the expectations of sisterly kindness.

99bottlesofkombucha · 07/02/2026 11:58

It’s my dds 4th bday party next weekend. I didn’t want ds10 to go as it’s at a fairy place and it’s not very big and he’s very big and bouncy and might destroy the place, I was happy for ds7 to go but he wasn’t interested and that’s ok. As it happens they both have sport matches (we didn’t have fixtures when we booked the party) so I’m happy for them to both play their sport and we take dd to her party. Your dd is far too big to want to be at her little brothers 6th birthday party.

Original poster
Charlotte350 · 07/02/2026 12:00

Callalilly2016 · 07/02/2026 11:55

It’s an odd expectation that a 15 year old would attend a 6 year old’s birthday party. Is it symptomatic of DH not understanding that DD is growing up and needs to be treated accordingly? You can’t treat a 15 and 6 year old in the same way. Maybe now is a good moment to reflect more generally on the age gap and ensure that both children are being treated appropriately for their respective ages.

Edited

I said this to DH earlier than I think it's unfair to treat teenagers the same as a little one

OP posts:
patooties · 07/02/2026 12:02

I think you should be wary of your mother being a negative influence over your teenager.
where is her dad? How many other siblings / half / step siblings are there in the mix?

BillieWiper · 07/02/2026 12:03

There's no need for her to be there. Would you have willingly attended a party for 5-6 yo when you were 15? Unless you were being paid as a chaperone/helper, or some kind of entertainer.

Just let her go out with her nan.

user2848502016 · 07/02/2026 12:05

Sounds like a great plan to me, not many teenagers would want to be at a party full of 6 year olds.
Assuming your mum and DD will be there to see your DS after his party?

Thechaseison71 · 07/02/2026 12:06

Do ntsee any issue When my DS was 6 his sister's were 18 and 15. Neither attended his birthday party. He didn't care .

Original poster
Charlotte350 · 07/02/2026 12:14

justtheotheronemrswembley · 07/02/2026 11:53

A few things strike me really.

Your DD is a teenager and is well able to decide whether she wants to go to a 6 year-old's party or not, and she's also able to decide for herself whether she wants to do anything else instead. So my advice would be to let her choose what she wants to do.

Why are you low-contact with your DM? I'm assuming that your DH can't stand her either. If your DD is fond of her grandmother, then she should be allowed to have a relationship with her if she wishes, unless there is a very good reason why not.

DM has mental health problems I think just not being diagnosed she refused therapy after most of the family have such she needs it, she tried picking a fight with me on boxing day sending a thread abusive messages said she didn't want to see the grandchildren and they can find her when there older, but continued to stay in contact with DD 15 she also went on to say how DH SIS and her husband didn't spoke to her on my wedding and were rude this was 7 years ago...I think my DD is happy to see her DGM because my DM spoils her with gifts and takes her to fancy restaurants, even though she loves the rest of the siblings my 10 year DD won't go and she doesn't like her she seen the other side of her when she's not happy, my other little ones are 6 and 2.

OP posts:
patooties · 07/02/2026 12:17

Charlotte350 · 07/02/2026 12:14

DM has mental health problems I think just not being diagnosed she refused therapy after most of the family have such she needs it, she tried picking a fight with me on boxing day sending a thread abusive messages said she didn't want to see the grandchildren and they can find her when there older, but continued to stay in contact with DD 15 she also went on to say how DH SIS and her husband didn't spoke to her on my wedding and were rude this was 7 years ago...I think my DD is happy to see her DGM because my DM spoils her with gifts and takes her to fancy restaurants, even though she loves the rest of the siblings my 10 year DD won't go and she doesn't like her she seen the other side of her when she's not happy, my other little ones are 6 and 2.

Show quote history

Absolutely fuck that - you are letting a mentally unwell woman sweep in and take over ‘the fun bit’ - you are 💯 setting yourself up for future problems.

i would not force her to be there - no more than I’d let my toxic parent ‘save’ them.

Original poster
Charlotte350 · 07/02/2026 12:17

user2848502016 · 07/02/2026 12:05

Sounds like a great plan to me, not many teenagers would want to be at a party full of 6 year olds.
Assuming your mum and DD will be there to see your DS after his party?

My DD will see him as it falls on a Sunday and will need to be at school next day DH will pick her up from DM house (45 mins drive away) so she probably see DS early eve to wish him happy birthday. My DM probs will send a card and money most likely but she won't see my DS unless he goes to her house as she doesn't bother with the rest of the family.

OP posts:
Delphiniumandlupins · 07/02/2026 12:18

Why force DD to go to a party for a 6 year old? Your DH will presumably be there to help. You can leave her home alone for a couple of hours if you don't want her to spend time with your mother.