To let teenage daughter not come to 6 told DB party

[Charlotte350]

To not let DD 15 attend 6 year old DB party
Last year I booked a little village hall party with a bouncy castle for my little one's birthday party, however my DD nearly 15 has said she didn't enjoy it and didn't want to attend a kids party again after I booked one again coming up next month. My DM who I am low contact with has reached out to DD by messaging her to go on a shopping trip with her the day before my son's birthday and said she will book the following day off (DS 6th birthday) and take DD out for fancy meal if she like to stop with her. DH is not very happy and thinks DM has done it on purpose, and that DD should be there for DS birthday party, I have spoken to him and said that DD will still see DS just later on that day. DD really doesn't want to go and said she will just hide away in the kitchen looking at her phone to avoid all the little kids. I don't believe in forcing her to come if she doesn't want to but DH said I can decide, but I don't think he's particularly happy if she doesn't attend and think she should be there. I'm just wanting some advice on wwyd in this situation?

She’s 16, and has a well established relationship with her grandmother. Trying to force her to attend/stop her from seeing her grandmother is very unlikely to result in the family harmony some seem to be envisioning.

i had to fo to every party of my younger sister no discussion

your dm shouldnt be allowed to choose favourites gc she does sound like a narc

I also wonder whether she’s trying a bit of a divide and conquer here with your kids, picking out DD and “kindly” suggesting she skips the whole of her brother’s birthday weekend. It could be seen as trying to get in between that sibling bond, since she clearly wants DD to be on her side and the other kids don’t interact with her.

A 15 year old shouldn’t have to attend a 6 year olds party even if it’s her sibling.

If it was going to be a family thing or people of all ages I would say she should be there. But if it's just a bunch of 6 year olds then she isn't unreasonable to not want to be there.

As teenagers, our parents gave my brother & me extra pocket money if we organised the games & otherwise helped out at our younger sister’s birthday parties.

I don’t really see in what other capacity a teenager would take part in a birthday party for a 6 year old.

If it was Granny's 80th birthday, I would agree she should just go. But is her 6 year old brother going to care if she is there or not?

DD aged 15 going to the party to help with things like games, or the food, yes, not otherwise. Don't think that is what is being asked.

So DM and you I agree with.

I voted unreasonable as I can’t see any reason she should be forced to be there. Fine to tell her she’s welcome but why would she need to go? No one except the actual child and their friends every really need to be at a child’s party. My kids don’t go to each others and most years my husband isn’t there either as it doesn’t take two people to run a party for a handful of kids (different for home parties or massive ones of course)

mmmm. I wouldn't expect her to go to the party but I'd be weaning her off her relationship with your mother. Does she have friends her own age who she could spend that day with? I mean your daughter?

At 16 I think she's old enough to make her own decisions.
When I was that age, (six decades ago), I imagine that I would have felt the same as your DD.

I disagree with this and the other comments.

If it were my 15yo she would be attending … not to sit on her phone in the corner but as a helper! You say you’re doing the catering… well why on earth isn’t she helping? Life is not just about doing whatever you want. You’re a family. She presumably loves her little brother and part of being a good big sister is giving him a nice party. She can work the music, cut the cake, fill the party bags, make drinks for parents and just generally be a decent human.

Some of the replies here go a long way to explaining why many of today’s young people are so bloody rude and immature. Such low expectations. Raise your expectations and they will rise to the challenge.

I actually didn't have the guts to say this part earlier but I agree - not only would I expect her to attend, I would expect her to help as well. And I don't think that's a big or unreasonable imposition.

My kids are younger but we have set that expectation with them already, when we have guests they help with drinks, carry food, help clear up in an age appropriate way. I don't even think it's particularly important whether the 6 year old cares if they are there, it's a family occasion, everyone is there for it.

She's family. And family should always be there for each other, even if they dont want to be.

I think it'd be nice if DD went to her little brother's party and helped out. She can help with the decorations, put the food out, maybe if your kids are close she can help DS cut his first slice of cake

No. Young family members should never be brought up believing that they are under some sort of obligation to do things for other family members whether they want to or not.

Besides, if the OP were to follow that advice she wouldn't have been able to go low contact with her toxic parent.

Of course a teenager doesn’t have to go to a six-year-old’s party. Why on earth would she?! It’s a party for small children. There’s nothing about it that’s going to be enjoyable for a teenager. I wouldn’t expect a nine-year-old to go to a six year old’s party, let alone a teenager.

Your DH is being a complete prick.

What bollocks.

Why should she have to do this just because she’s the oldest?!

She’s not the parent and she shouldn’t have to give up her time to fulfil the role of one. It’s a sure fire way to breed resentment.

My sister’s ten years older than me and she certainly wasn’t expected to help run my birthday parties. She was lovely and kind to me and certainly not selfish in any way, but she was my sibling, not my nanny or my parents’ unpaid assistant.

It’s not about being the oldest or a parent, it’s about being a team. The 6yo would also be expected to help out at other times in an age appropriate manner.

narcism aside, it’s not the OP or the day out with granny I object to the most. It’s more the replies saying how unreasonable it would be to expect her to attend, she’d be bored, stuck on her phone etc. That’s the bit I disagree wirh most

Your DD is old enough to know her own mind... and if she's 15 and doesn't want to hang around with a bunch of six-year-olds, then I'm not surprised that she has said that she'd prefer to stay out of the way!

Let her do what she wants to do, whether that's going out shopping or sitting watching something on her phone.

I don't know what type exactly mental health my DM has, but there's something she's up and down with her mood not to outsiders but particularly me I don't like to use the word narcissist I just know she doesn't always behave 'normal'...she has my DD on WhatsApp so that's how she keeps in contact with her, she didn't like her a year ago she thought DD used to be rude to her, sometimes she was at her friends and didn't visit and DM wouldn't be very happy. I think my DD is happy to be with her and DM being extremely nice to her sending a lot of messages and spending a lot on her and has said she's gets paid the day she is taking her on her shopping trip intending to spend a lot..I have spoke to DD about it and she said she wants to "be in the will" it's said a bit jokey but I don't think she is joking.

Why is it bollocks for family to help family?