To let teenage daughter not come to 6 told DB party

[Charlotte350]

To not let DD 15 attend 6 year old DB party
Last year I booked a little village hall party with a bouncy castle for my little one's birthday party, however my DD nearly 15 has said she didn't enjoy it and didn't want to attend a kids party again after I booked one again coming up next month. My DM who I am low contact with has reached out to DD by messaging her to go on a shopping trip with her the day before my son's birthday and said she will book the following day off (DS 6th birthday) and take DD out for fancy meal if she like to stop with her. DH is not very happy and thinks DM has done it on purpose, and that DD should be there for DS birthday party, I have spoken to him and said that DD will still see DS just later on that day. DD really doesn't want to go and said she will just hide away in the kitchen looking at her phone to avoid all the little kids. I don't believe in forcing her to come if she doesn't want to but DH said I can decide, but I don't think he's particularly happy if she doesn't attend and think she should be there. I'm just wanting some advice on wwyd in this situation?

My LO turns 4 soon with teenage siblings who all have a choice. One wants to come and join in all the fun lol, and the other definitely does not want to come but does want to see his brother in his birthday. But we always have a family meal and cake just us in the actual day or another close day depending on schedules etc.
anyway we just give them the choice too, as long as they wish each other happy birthday and make an effort on the day - even ones close in age have never been expected to join in each others parties where friends are invited. Only family celebrations.

I think it will be better for her to be with her DGM, but have a get out plan - some cab money for instance.

Arent most teens out with their mates at weekends or working part time?

She doesnt need to be babysat I wouldnt have thought

There's a big difference between family get togethers, where there may be aunts, uncles, DGPs, cousins, ie a wide variety of age groups, activities, conversations, compared to a 6 year oldest birthday party where the all the invitees are 5/6/7 years old.

I would expect a teenager to attend the former, but not the latter

The only person not happy with the proposal seems to be your DH. Its a bit controlling to expect a teenager to attend and enjoy a 6 year olds birthday party.

I don't understand. Your DH actually thinks that a 15 year old sibling is required at a 6 year old's birthday party? That is weird.

I didn't want to go to my own son's 6th birthday party !

Let her go out with her DGM.

My older children (age 12&13) do not attend their 5 year old brothers main birthday party that he has with his friends, they would honestly rather boil their eyeballs…They are of that age where soft play, bouncy castles etc hold no attraction what so ever and no secondary school aged child wants to hang out with 5/6 year olds.
We do a family bbq on the actual birthdays of our children and siblings, Aunts, Cousins and Grandparents come. We hold friends parties on the nearest weekend to their birthdays and no family bar us (Mum and Dad) attend those.
If you can trust your DM around your daughter and she won’t have a random outburst given the history there is no reason why she shouldn’t do something with her on the day instead of being bored at the party

Totally fine for dd not to be at the party. Mine are close in age and quite often one if the siblings has had something else on like scouts trip or sleepovers at friends etc. Birthday child has always veen asked and not bothered at all as they want to hang with their mates and not their siblings

😆
They are awful aren’t they!

I think you have some different problems here:

1. Your mother and your daughter interacting without you or your husband to supervise. Given your mother's behaviour towards you and your husband it doesn't make a lot of sense for them to be going off shopping alone because you can't know when your mother will start being nasty to your daughter. Dealing with this may require explicit conversations with your daughter about how your mother behaves so it makes sense to her.

1. Your daughter is pretty reasonable in not wanting to go to the party. She's old enough to stay at home alone (and ideally have dinner ready / prepped for everyone else coming back from the party)

1. It's worth exploring with your husband whether he's more worried about (1) than not understanding teenagers won't usually want to go to small children's parties. If he thinks she should be contributing to family work she can do that without coming to the party by eg. helping prep for it / making dinner for you to come home to / doing some housework that's usually somebody else's job.

1. Can your daughter entertain herself at home / find friends to meet up with etc during the party? Will it be believable if you tell your mum 'sorry, D&V, rearrange for another day' (whenever you're available too / keep it vague if it's a bad idea overall).

1. If it ends up making sense for your daughter to come to the party involve her as one of the 'adults' in this context with tasks to do. The kids will probably love her (even whilst she's not keen) - she could look after the kitchen / a child who's a little overwhelmed in a quieter corner etc.

Yeah. The little big toerag wouldn't let me near his18th party, which I might have enjoyed !

Most definitely let her go with Grandma.

This.

Yes, that.

It's not encouraging one's kids to be doormats, it's about pulling together to give a family member a fun time. It's how you learn to show love and support within the family.

It's too late in this situation, because the DD has already made it clear that if dragged there, she's going to sulk in the kitchen, and OP 's mum had scuppered any attempt to get her there.
But in my family (calendar clashes of similar importance aside) it would be assumed that we'd all be there and mucking in together.

As long as they see each other they will be fine

Youngest can bake the eldest a birthday cake, serve drinks at the “prom getting ready party”, put decorations up, make a card, wrap presents, loads of stuff!

Poor kid

Realky? Would love to see a 6 year old master baker. Or one tgat can reach to put decorations up, and wrap presents to a decent standard

In fact no self respecting teenager would want a little kid hovering about with her mates. One of my daughters had a girls meal out for her 16th at pizza express. Her 6 year old brother was tucked up in bed

Absolutey right, at 16 I was out clubbing.

Oh, thats just my 6 year old brother as a chaperone, he helped me do my hair this evening too.

Jesus!!

The only way she should go is if you pay her a generous wage as an assistant to help with the kids and party. By doing that you are treating her as an adult, separate from the kids, acknowledging that attending a kid's party is a job for a teenager , not an enjoyable experience, and validating her. If she agrees, it may change her attitude, especially if you ask her opinion and treat her like a colleague.

😂😂😂

Pay her. Fucking hell.

Can I get paid please, I've helped at probably 300 parties... Maybe more.

God as a iwas having to help put chairs and tables away at these parties.

Sometimes you just have to suck it up and help out... It turns you into a decent human being that gets stuff done instead of going "What's in it for me...?"

She's not a colleague. She's family. Family members help each other. Family members share in each others big days, and want to make them happy.

Paying a family member to attend and support a siblings party is grim. Good luck with her ever helping and supporting her family in any way as an adult, if her take is that she should be paid for it.

At my granddaughters party, I and their auntie were the back room helpers, allowing their mum to be watching them and mixing with the other parents once guests arrived. Turns out we should have invoiced DD.

Oh come on. It doesn't have to be helping with her mates and going out to cinema/disco/meal/event. but a 6yo certainly can help get a family tea party ready or help wrap the presents and lay the table and all that.

We always have a family tea party, even as teenagers.

My 6yo LOVES making cakes. Is actually decent at wrapping presents and enjoys doing so. Like to try and blow up balloons etc

Not all 6yo are useless