To let teenage daughter not come to 6 told DB party

[Charlotte350]

To not let DD 15 attend 6 year old DB party
Last year I booked a little village hall party with a bouncy castle for my little one's birthday party, however my DD nearly 15 has said she didn't enjoy it and didn't want to attend a kids party again after I booked one again coming up next month. My DM who I am low contact with has reached out to DD by messaging her to go on a shopping trip with her the day before my son's birthday and said she will book the following day off (DS 6th birthday) and take DD out for fancy meal if she like to stop with her. DH is not very happy and thinks DM has done it on purpose, and that DD should be there for DS birthday party, I have spoken to him and said that DD will still see DS just later on that day. DD really doesn't want to go and said she will just hide away in the kitchen looking at her phone to avoid all the little kids. I don't believe in forcing her to come if she doesn't want to but DH said I can decide, but I don't think he's particularly happy if she doesn't attend and think she should be there. I'm just wanting some advice on wwyd in this situation?

She's family. Family members help each other. Family members share in each others big days, and want to make them happy

A six-year-old isn't going to give a shit whether their teenage sister is at their birthday party or not. They just want to be running around with their friends and will not care in the slightest who put the party food on to plates. The teenager doesn't need to help with her sibling's party because that's the job of the parents.

I honestly don't think it's standard for the entire family to be at a child's birthday party. It's a six-year-old's birthday party, not a wedding. Sure, I'd expect the siblings to give them a present and a card at home when they open their presents from the family on the morning of their birthday, but not to attend or help organise their party with their classmates from school.

So your mother wants to treat Dd1? In itself it shouldn't be an issue.

But whats the back story? It almost sounds like she's treating her on DD2's birthday to prove a point (if she's that unpleasant that is).

But taking it at face value is it just a nice thing to do?

I didnt imply anywhere that he or any 6 year old is useless but the age gap here is important. A 15 year old is not interested in 6 year old parties/play/engagement other than 'thats my little brother'.

A 6 year old might be trying to muscle in on big sibling activity, but not very likely for a 6 year old boy to be interested in a gaggle of 16 year old girls and making cakes and putting up bunting, come on now

And neither should they be. They have their own interests and friends no doubt

A family meal, a family holiday, a family cinema or bowling trip yes. But parties of very very different ages are really for that child and their cohort.

And yes to answer other posts I would pay my teen to do chores, too right, get into the mindset that you work for money and no work, no money.

If the elder child were having friends over at home, the little one can still help set up.

I don't pay kids for housework, because I set them up into the mindset if "we all pitch in at home".

Well I pay for a cleaner so even I dont pitch in at home!!!

I have a cleaner too but there's still plenty of stuff to do .. dishwasher, laundry, gardening, tidying as a few examples

Because I am a big meanie, I repeatedly get my kids to pitch in.

A 6 year old might be trying to muscle in on big sibling activity, but not very likely for a 6 year old boy to be interested in a gaggle of 16 year old girls and making cakes and putting up bunting, come on now.

Yes - I’d expect a younger sibling to be much more interested in muscling in if they were both the same sex.

I believe in kids doing stuff in the home, dont get me wrong, but I think come the teen years, I want you to have x and y responsibility, its not 'pitching in' its your job and there'll be payment for it. Not much though, dont get excited.

Oh ive had 3 teens and i dont think a family tea party would be their sort of thing. A nice meal out perhaps with family

We always have had family tea on the day 🤷‍♀️ with cake and whatever food birthday child prefers and we out out the happy birthday banner etc

Don't you do anything on the day at home with the family?

And besides, even if you do nothing at home to mark the occasion, the 6yo can still help with wrapping presents, choosing/making cake etc

At home? No as i said we tended to go out. We ate at home every other single day of the week

But they arent really any " help" are they? Its easier to wrapnp the presentswithout them. I remember when my youngest was 5 and he tried to " help" wrap xmas gifts. Apart from getting in my way he also told people what i had got them

Lol

Exactly, complete hindrance.

Oh well in that case let's just let them never take part in anything...

...no point letting them make a cake, I can do it quicker and easier ... No point in bothering to let them help cut up cucumber, they can't do it neatly or quickly enough... No point in them helping with anything at all!!

This is how you end up with 15-year-old who can't peel a bloody potato

Strangely they can all cook fine and have been able to cook a full meal since they were secondary school age. And they were chopping veg at nursery from age 3

Also strangely im absolutely crap at baking despite my mother apparently trying to teach me from a young age. Can do anything savoury though.

No body will be chopping cucumber in my house though - vile stuff

These things dont have to be done simply as its someone birthday. Thats normal day to day stuff

She shouldn't be forced to go to the 6 year old's party.

What is a 15 year old going to do at the party? You are being unreasonable even thinking about making her go if she doesn’t want to. It would be different if she wanted to practice her cooking or childcare skills and could be treated as one of the grown ups but this obviously is not her thing. So let her have a good time with Granny and make sure she gives her brother a good present.

Oh dont be daft, thats why you have jobs for kids along the way, specific jobs that you support them to do at any one time when you have the time and inclination to over see them. Johnny at 10, you do potatoes every sunday, that is your job. Mary at 10, you do the bed change and turn on the washing machine that is your job

But kids milling around, getting in the way of a grown ups job when it needs to be done in a timely way, not really.

DH has said since that he just wanted DD to go and help me with the catering and doesn't think I should be doing it all and that it's not a big deal, he's even said she could take a friend and have ago on the bouncy castle before all the kids arrived

So she is the little minion, what he is doing?

Why can’t he do that job? That seems like
a parent job. A 15 min jump in a bouncy castle isn’t that enticing to spend all day assisting at a kids party. When she’s got a day out with her GM as a counter offer

What's he doing when you're doing it all?

Just pay her to help , problem solved?