To let teenage daughter not come to 6 told DB party

[Charlotte350]

To not let DD 15 attend 6 year old DB party
Last year I booked a little village hall party with a bouncy castle for my little one's birthday party, however my DD nearly 15 has said she didn't enjoy it and didn't want to attend a kids party again after I booked one again coming up next month. My DM who I am low contact with has reached out to DD by messaging her to go on a shopping trip with her the day before my son's birthday and said she will book the following day off (DS 6th birthday) and take DD out for fancy meal if she like to stop with her. DH is not very happy and thinks DM has done it on purpose, and that DD should be there for DS birthday party, I have spoken to him and said that DD will still see DS just later on that day. DD really doesn't want to go and said she will just hide away in the kitchen looking at her phone to avoid all the little kids. I don't believe in forcing her to come if she doesn't want to but DH said I can decide, but I don't think he's particularly happy if she doesn't attend and think she should be there. I'm just wanting some advice on wwyd in this situation?

I agree with that. I think it's quite a fundamental values thing actually.

Lots of people saying things to the effect of - you shouldn't make your child do something just because they won't enjoy it.

Like this family members should never be brought up believing that they are under some sort of obligation to do things for other family members

I do want to bring my kids up to do things for other family members. Not to be a doormat but to show up and help at family birthdays doesn't seem to be a big deal

Your DM's plan is solid. While shopping, DD should use some of her own money to get DS a nice bday present.

honestly and seriously I have said it once, will say it again.....Wean your daughter off this toxic relationship. Given the situation, I don't think it would be long run helpful to insist that your daughter should join in with her little brother's party. It won't help to alienate your daughter or start a row. I think this is a three layered problem....the immediate issue of your son's party and that her father thinks she should join in, on top of that there is the issue of your DH's opinion more generally...I wonder if he would be less insistent if the option wasn't to spend time with your mother? Thirdly and again, is your mother HONESTLY someone who you want to have influence over your daughter?

Surely at her age she can choose herself whether to have a relationship with her grandmother

This. She’s 15 for gods sake. She can choose whether to spend time with her grandmother or not. She most likely knows about her moods and behaviour too.

I dunno. The OP is depicting her mother as toxic and says that she (OP) is low contact with her. 15 YO's can be and are groomed for various purposes and it does sound as though the grandmother might be behaving as though this is a possibility ("gonna spend loads of money" "gonna take you to a lovely restaurant") Not sure it sounds like a normal healthy situation.

Why do people think it’s weird for a sibling to come to another siblings party? They come and help out and in return get some cake and whatever sweets they like surely?! It seems like a lot of drama over nothing!!

My thoughts exactly. It seems that DH has taken it personally that hus DSD doesn't want to attend his DS' party when in reality the age difference means it's better if she doesn't.

If a girl of that age wants to see her grandmother she will do so whatever her mother says If Mum causes issues over if then it's likely the daughter will just see her secretly.

Generations of teens have managed to see others whether its relatives or boyfriend/ girlfriends for generations no matter what their parents think of it.

Ok so that's one way from eldest helping to youngest. So how does it work the other way round?

i don't think it would be weird if they wanted to or didn't mind. I think its weird to insist.

Making a 15 year old go to a 6 year olds birthday party is selfish and stupid unless you are paying her a decent wage to help supervise the kids.

Anyone who thinks this 15 year old isn’t already doing plenty she doesn’t want to do “because it’s family” is deluding themselves. Family holidays, days out, even when they go out to eat, will be around the needs of the younger children. I daresay there’s been some “can you just watch them whilst I…..”

All of that is absolutely fine, it’s what families do, but the teenager also deserves for her needs and wants to be taken into consideration. She shouldn’t be forced into every situation with her younger siblings because “it’s family”.

@Charlotte350your husband’s experience of having to go to every family gathering and making rude remarks about those who can’t or won’t is fucked up. Don’t put that on your daughter. A family invite should never be a summons.

Why are you framing this as she either goes to the party or to her GM ? She’s old enough to stay home alone or go out with friends. Either way, she sees her little brother before or at the party. What’s the problem ?

What a ridiculous expectation. My sons stopped attending each other's parties at about age 4.

MIne had a big age gap. Sometimes a teen would want to come to a little one's party, sometimes they would not. Sometimes they enjoyed helping; sometimes they had other fish to fry. We went with the flow.

The real problems came when the little one wanted to go to the teen's party!

Can’t see the issue. Your husband is being obstinate.

It doesn’t. she’s been offered a nice day out with her GM and they don’t need the help. It just to make a point.

it’s always the girls as well.

I do want to bring my kids up to do things for other family members. Not to be a doormat but to show up and help at family birthdays doesn't seem to be a big deal

So, when it's the DD's 16th birthday party and she wants to have a party or perhaps a sleepover with her friends, how will her 6 year old brother be helping out? Or does the notion of "helping out" (when there is no indication that "help" is actually needed) only apply to the older child, and perhaps only to girls?

No, helping out is for everyone.

My younger one helps out with his older brother's parties. He is 6 - he helps set out food, he helps decorate, he makes a card. The age gap might make it more challenging but you can still set those expectations if you want to

It has nothing to do with gender and it's not just for older siblings.

Other than making a card (and I wouldn't consider making a card to be "helping out" anyway) I can't imagine a 16 year old girl actually wanting her 6 year old brother to do any of that. So, in your opinion, she has to go to her brother's birthday to "help out" because that's what families do, even if there is no particular need to for her to do so, and she also has to put up with her brother "helping out" at her own party, even if she would probably rather he stayed out of the way.

Sounds like lose lose for the girl really, and not likely to breed a strong sibling relationship in years to come.

Yes that's my opinion - it's what families do. Your opinion is that you shouldn't teach kids to help each other out

That help will look different at different stages of life, especially with the age gap, it won't necessarily always be exactly the same

In 10 years time, he will be a strapping teenager who could help move her into her own place. She likely won't be able to reciprocate that if she is smaller and less strong which is likely.

You could view that as oh no he did more because he is a boy, this cannot be allowed

Or you could raise your kids to help each other out because it's what families do

Well, gender’s a shitty concept anyway so it’s good to know it doesn’t come into it.

Does your older son then have to have his younger brother at the party with his mates, though?

Since you seem to be missing my point, I'll try again.

Helping out each other in families is great.

Helping out "because it's what families" do when it's not needed or appropriate is an unnecessary "rule" you are imposing.

The teen does not need to help out at her brother's birthday because her parents have it covered. If she wanted to, that would obviously be great, but it shouldn't be a chore imposed on her.

The 6 year old does not need to help out at his sister's birthday because she is a teenager who will want to sort out her own food (which might well be takeaway pizza) and decoration and there is no place for a 6 year old in this.

If in years to come the occasional bit of heavy lifting is required, then of course the brother can and should help out his sister if she can't manage herself.
However, if she's perfectly capable and wants to move house without him then him turning up to sit about for no particular reason, is not remotely helpful and doesn't display his great family spirit.

Insisting that siblings must help because it's a family event, whether it is wanted or actually helpful is not one that builds strong family unity in the future (feel free to ask me how I know this ...)

I agree with this. It's the perfect compromise. Sounds like your DM is stirring the pot and bribing your DD along the way. I wouldn't allow that.