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Original poster

To let teenage daughter not come to 6 told DB party

154 replies

Charlotte350 · 07/02/2026 11:42

To not let DD 15 attend 6 year old DB party
Last year I booked a little village hall party with a bouncy castle for my little one's birthday party, however my DD nearly 15 has said she didn't enjoy it and didn't want to attend a kids party again after I booked one again coming up next month. My DM who I am low contact with has reached out to DD by messaging her to go on a shopping trip with her the day before my son's birthday and said she will book the following day off (DS 6th birthday) and take DD out for fancy meal if she like to stop with her. DH is not very happy and thinks DM has done it on purpose, and that DD should be there for DS birthday party, I have spoken to him and said that DD will still see DS just later on that day. DD really doesn't want to go and said she will just hide away in the kitchen looking at her phone to avoid all the little kids. I don't believe in forcing her to come if she doesn't want to but DH said I can decide, but I don't think he's particularly happy if she doesn't attend and think she should be there. I'm just wanting some advice on wwyd in this situation?

OP posts:
Scottishdriver · 07/02/2026 12:20

DD should not have to endure a 6 yr kid’s birthday party. The issue with your mum is separate. I would say no to her staying overnight there and missing family morning on her DB birthday.

Iloveeverycat · 07/02/2026 12:22

I would of just asked if she wanted to go if not she could stay at home or do anything she wanted to do she's 15. It's that simple I don't see what the issue is.

Original poster
Charlotte350 · 07/02/2026 12:24

patooties · 07/02/2026 12:17

Absolutely fuck that - you are letting a mentally unwell woman sweep in and take over ‘the fun bit’ - you are 💯 setting yourself up for future problems.

i would not force her to be there - no more than I’d let my toxic parent ‘save’ them.

Show quote history

DH called her a narcissist 4 years ago after more unpredicted rows that she would start up out on no where, he called her a narcissist after looking after our eldest 2 who were 10 and 6 at the time and got really drunk while they were stopping at her house and told us when they came back... we would visit her one day, thinking everything is fine and then the next she would just turn on you like a switch. She's never forgiven him for calling her that and that was one of the main reasons we are not speaking because she said he's needs to apologise but because he truly believes she is a narcissist he said he just can't. She has been abusive to me a lot of the years and I've always just forgiven her or just brushed it under carpet to keep the peace but can't anymore after that she purposely tried to destroy boxing day.

OP posts:
ICanBuyMyOwnFlowers · 07/02/2026 12:27

oh, I've gone against the majority so am commenting to let you know my thoughts. Whilst all those saying she wont enjoy herself and why be stuck with a teen at a child's birthday party are correct (it's a pain and I've experience 4 16 year olds) but my pov is that we all have to learn to do things for others and that learning at home is a great starting point. Yep, I'm sure DB will barely notice her there with all his friends around him, but that's not the point. I have four kids and even though family dynamics mean that number 1 really doesn't get on with number 4 she still (without any pressure/comment whatsoever from me) booked time off (she's 25) and came home to spend time with her (the youngest was turning 16) sibling. I was really surprised, but also pleased that years of 'training' them to consider their siblings feelings was paying off. But I don't limit it to family. I want my kids to consider others' feelings and the fact that sometimes we just have to suck it up.

Original poster
Charlotte350 · 07/02/2026 12:28

redskydelight · 07/02/2026 11:51

Why does DH think she should be there? That's the key question to ask.
And is his expectation reasonable (or perhaps the result of childhood conditioning that he might not otherwise realise - yes, I admit to projecting here, but the message in my childhood was that if we didn't attend family events it meant we didn't care out our family)?

(Teen will be bored silly; and an unnecessary hindrance at a small children's party; let her celebrate with her brother at a different time)

DH family has lots of family get togethers and has lots of parties all DH life and I think this is where it stems from too...I think they take it as insult if someone doesn't want to go like his uncle that had social anxiety never went and they would always say something abit of a jibe because he didn't travel 3 hours to his nephew's daughter's 5th birthday party it was ridiculous imo

OP posts:
handsdownthebest · 07/02/2026 12:29

I have a similar age difference and would never have expected DD to come to her little brother’s party. The only time she would attend and also some of her friends was when we did laser tag or other activity parties where the older ones could really join in.
TBH I never even enjoyed the parties myself and was glad when they were old enough to do their own thing.

MrsSlocombesCat · 07/02/2026 12:32

Could it be that your DH isn’t particularly keen on being there either? A party full of 6 year old boys is going to be loud and stressful. Maybe he thinks if he’s going to suffer she can too!

patooties · 07/02/2026 12:35

Charlotte350 · 07/02/2026 12:24

DH called her a narcissist 4 years ago after more unpredicted rows that she would start up out on no where, he called her a narcissist after looking after our eldest 2 who were 10 and 6 at the time and got really drunk while they were stopping at her house and told us when they came back... we would visit her one day, thinking everything is fine and then the next she would just turn on you like a switch. She's never forgiven him for calling her that and that was one of the main reasons we are not speaking because she said he's needs to apologise but because he truly believes she is a narcissist he said he just can't. She has been abusive to me a lot of the years and I've always just forgiven her or just brushed it under carpet to keep the peace but can't anymore after that she purposely tried to destroy boxing day.

Show quote history

Parent your own teenager.
do not leave them with someone who abused you (I can hardly believe I’m having to type this).

Sirzy · 07/02/2026 12:36

Charlotte350 · 07/02/2026 12:17

My DD will see him as it falls on a Sunday and will need to be at school next day DH will pick her up from DM house (45 mins drive away) so she probably see DS early eve to wish him happy birthday. My DM probs will send a card and money most likely but she won't see my DS unless he goes to her house as she doesn't bother with the rest of the family.

Show quote history

I think this is where it tips into unreasonable. Your expecting him to drive an hour and a half to pick her up on his sons birthday?

ViperHalliwell · 07/02/2026 12:36

I'd probably do something specific with just the immediate family (you, DH, DS, DD and any other children who live with you), like a birthday cake on the day, to mark the occasion. But I don't see the logic of making a 15yo attend a party with 6yos if she doesn't want to. If your daughter decides to have a party for her next birthday, will your husband expect your son to attend that, along with a group of 15/16yo doing teen activities?

Crunchy7 · 07/02/2026 12:43

I think your Husbad is jealous that his step daughter is being taken out with her Gran on his sons bday ! He wants his son to have a ‘special’ day out with his Gran. Men can be weird, if it was his biological Daughter I guarantee you he would be acting differently. Let your Daughter enjoy time with Gran, and just tell your Husband to stop acting so controlling x

Original poster
Charlotte350 · 07/02/2026 12:49

Sirzy · 07/02/2026 12:36

I think this is where it tips into unreasonable. Your expecting him to drive an hour and a half to pick her up on his sons birthday?

Show quote history

I agree I'm not going to let him do that, DD can come day before. The year before he did an hour's and half drive the morning on our DS birthday/party just to make sure my DM could attend

OP posts:
Dollymylove · 07/02/2026 12:57

There is a big gap between myself and my youngest sister and as a teenager I wouldn't have even been invited to my sisters party, let alone be forced to go.
Let her Nan spend some money on her, if that's what she wants.
She's 15, not 5

ThatBlackCat · 07/02/2026 12:57

She's a 15 year old teenage girl! Not 15 year old teen girl wants to hang around with littlies at a 6 year old little kid's party. Your husband has absolutely zero understanding of children or teenagers, does he? Ask him if he were a 15 year old lad, when he want to hang around a 6 year boy's birthday party?

dreichluver · 07/02/2026 12:57

She's 15. Get a clue. Thank god for your Mum.

Paperwhite209 · 07/02/2026 12:59

I wouldn't expect her to be at the party, but I think ideally I'd like her to be around a bit more on the day itself and make a bit of a family day of it. The issue with that in your position is I imagine your DM wouldn't take kindly to you suggesting a compromise (eg DD stays over and they go for a nice brunch and DD is home early pm)

ThatBlackCat · 07/02/2026 13:03

The issues with your husband/DM whatever are secondary. It's completely and totally irrelevant to the topic. In fact, it couldn't be even less relevant if it tried.

The most important issue here is that your 15 year old daughter, understandably, does not want to hang around a little kid's birthday party. And she shouldn't have to. At her age she can make up her own mind about what she wants and where she wants to be. And if she doesn't/your DH doesn't want her to go with your DM, surely she can go over to a friends house and hang at her friends for a few hours. Or, stay at home in her room and go on her phone or read or do homework or watch tv, or even just have a nap.

Bimmering · 07/02/2026 13:04

ICanBuyMyOwnFlowers · 07/02/2026 12:27

oh, I've gone against the majority so am commenting to let you know my thoughts. Whilst all those saying she wont enjoy herself and why be stuck with a teen at a child's birthday party are correct (it's a pain and I've experience 4 16 year olds) but my pov is that we all have to learn to do things for others and that learning at home is a great starting point. Yep, I'm sure DB will barely notice her there with all his friends around him, but that's not the point. I have four kids and even though family dynamics mean that number 1 really doesn't get on with number 4 she still (without any pressure/comment whatsoever from me) booked time off (she's 25) and came home to spend time with her (the youngest was turning 16) sibling. I was really surprised, but also pleased that years of 'training' them to consider their siblings feelings was paying off. But I don't limit it to family. I want my kids to consider others' feelings and the fact that sometimes we just have to suck it up.

This is exactly what I was going to say.

I totally understand that a teenager wouldn't want to go to this. But I don't think it's always about what you want? Sometimes it's about other people's feelings and being a family.

I was made to go to so many family events as a child. Of course I whinged about it like any self respecting teenager. But looking back on it, it was good training for life and I think the values are the same that I would want my kids to have

Uptightmumma · 07/02/2026 13:06

My 9 year old didn’t attend his 5 year brothers birthday party last year. My friend left her 6 year old with me at the party and took my 9 and her 11 year old to McDonald’s and the park. We had a bouncy in our garden and once the little ones had gone the older ones come back and played on the bouncy

Tigerbalmshark · 07/02/2026 13:13

I probably wouldn’t let her miss the morning of his actual birthday - I assume your DS will be waking up and opening presents etc, and just seeing him in the evening when hems exhausted from a party really isn’t the same. If his birthday was a different day to the party I wouldn’t have an issue with it.

She would be fine to not come to the party though! I’m sure she has “homework” to do while the rest of you go (which might be sitting at home watching tv or scrolling on her phone with the house to herself).

watchingthishtread · 07/02/2026 13:30

There's not need to put her through the misery of attending a 6 year olds party. However, your mother doesn't sound like healthy company. I'd suggest finding something else for her to do for the day.

EmpressaurusKitty · 07/02/2026 13:31

Just out of curiosity does it work the other way round too? Would the 15 year old be expected to have the 6 year old at her birthday party?

Sc00byDont · 07/02/2026 13:39

Charlotte350 · 07/02/2026 12:14

DM has mental health problems I think just not being diagnosed she refused therapy after most of the family have such she needs it, she tried picking a fight with me on boxing day sending a thread abusive messages said she didn't want to see the grandchildren and they can find her when there older, but continued to stay in contact with DD 15 she also went on to say how DH SIS and her husband didn't spoke to her on my wedding and were rude this was 7 years ago...I think my DD is happy to see her DGM because my DM spoils her with gifts and takes her to fancy restaurants, even though she loves the rest of the siblings my 10 year DD won't go and she doesn't like her she seen the other side of her when she's not happy, my other little ones are 6 and 2.

Show quote history

@Charlotte350 I posted earlier questioning the wisdom of your DD spending 1:1 time with your mother and you seemed very relaxed about it.

Now you post this!

You need to safeguard your daughter - she shouldn’t be alone with your mentally ill mother. It doesn’t matter how financially generous she is… it will not compensate for the damage to your child. If your mother is so toxic, you should not allow any of your children to be unsupervised in her company. And if you are already low contact, why is any contact between her and your children being arranged?

And as I said before let her stay at home and skip the Party.

PigletJohn · 07/02/2026 13:40

Anybody who thinks they can force a 15 year old to a family event against their will is going to learn what disappointment is.

BreadstickBurglar · 07/02/2026 13:59

Two completely separate issues here:

  1. Should your 15 year old have to attend her little brother’s birthday party?

  2. Is it a good idea for her to spend that day and the previous day with your drunken, unstable, unkind, abusive mother?

I would say hell no to both. By all means let her skip the party but hell would freeze over before I started encouraging weekends spent being “spoilt” (i.e. manipulated, bribed, probably told a load of rubbish as well) by your mum. Your husband sounds right about this and you’re too deep in the sense of this being normal to see clearly. Have you heard of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) in terms of narcissistic behaviour? Well the obligation bit of this means building up the sense that you owe them. Taking your daughter out and spending lots of money on her seems like it could potentially be a classic example of this. You’ve gone low contact with your mum for a reason remember.