Uncompromising holiday disagreement

[MalePoster]

I would like some advice and opinions please, either way - I understand this is generally a place for women to post but I’m struggling to find somewhere that men can ask for similar advice.

Some context and background - I have been with my wife for 15 years, married for nearly 9. We have 3 children, 6 yo, 3 yo and 9 months. For as long as I can remember I have covered all of our bills and outgoings (at least since we started having children) and any income my wife has had over that period has been seen as disposable income, paying for holidays etc.. she is self employed so unfortunately this decreases a little when she is on maternity, such as in the past 9 months.. luckily I have been in position financially to be able to provide a decent lifestyle for us as a family, and I do not see being the breadwinner or the sole earner as a problem, however I do see very little gratitude to this fact from my wife as any time I mention money she thinks I’m holding it against her that I am the sole provider financially. I feel like in our lives, I do not make many demands as a husband, and I’m always more than happy to go on the holidays my wife wants and do activities that she wants us to do. She has been keen on buying a campervan for quite a few years and I’ve even come round to the idea and said I would put my Dads inheritance towards buying the campervan (Dad sadly passed last year).

I have recently booked a luxurious 12 day holiday for us as a family to go Dubai. My wife has been keen on going away for a while and I was just trying to time it right with school and work etc, so booked quite last minute. She had said Dubai would be good, and picked a nice resort hotel after we looked together, which I agreed would be a nice break for us as a family and hence why I booked it.

My personal hobby in life is golf, I play to a decent level and like playing nice courses when I can, without it being too unreasonable and inconsiderate to our family life.

I had mentioned a few times that if we went back to Dubai (went 4 years ago), I would like to play golf once during our trip.. this was usually met with the “we’ll see” “depends on timing” etc, like I am asking for permission. Well after I had booked I said that I would quite like to play golf, and it just so happened that our trip overlaps by 4 days with one of our close friend couples (with kids too) from home (I knew we were going to overlap before I booked but coincidence that they happened to be going at similar time).

I have made the suggestion to my wife that on one of the afternoons that we overlap with our friends, me and the other bloke go and play golf, leaving the wives and children all together somewhere to enjoy each others company etc.. well this has been met with a firm no from my wife, with absolutely no compromise or consideration towards my request, which has actually really annoyed me. She has made it clear that she wants the whole 12 day holiday to be family time together and thinks it’s unreasonable for me to go and play golf with my friend on one afternoon, even if it means she gets to spend time with her friend (who was one of her bridesmaids so a pretty close friend).

I have said that I’m more than happy for her to go and do something for her in return, like a spa morning or similar, but she says she doesn’t want to do that and just wants to spend the whole time as a family. Whilst I fully appreciate that, I do not think it makes me a bad person for wanting to do something for me on our holiday, especially considering all of the background to our relationship that I presented above.

What should I do? I really don’t want to back down for the principle of not being in a controlling relationship, and because I really do not think my request is unreasonable or inconsiderate to her or our children when considering the whole situation/scenario at play.

Thanks in advance

I didn't take the OP that way either. I took it as he has been working hard, as does his wife as a SAHM, to provide for his family, which his salary allows. People deserve some time to relax doing something they like. One afternoon to play golf out of 12 days does not seem unreasonable to me. The OP said he offered to be in charge of the kids on his own so she could so something similar but the wife will not budge.

If you are paintong a truly accurate picture.....Then my opinion is that theres something seriously wrong with your relationship if you cant even go off and play a round of golf. Are you stuck together with superglue? Bloody hell. That's psychologically disturbing frankly.

Given she was at least open to the idea of an afternoon of golf until you firmed up the holiday plans, are you sure there isn’t another reason she’s saying no?

Any problems with the friend? Differences in parenting styles/ children don’t mix well with theirs? Friend’s husband inappropriate after a few drinks?

Also, you mentioned what you usually do in your free time but not what she does in hers, does she get any free time when you’re not on holiday?

She's on maternity leave for crying out loud, their baby is only 9 months old. She's still doing some work, even though she's more than entitled to take 12 months off after growing, birthing and feeding a human.

Yes, he plays golf once per week, at weekends most of the year, and every 3 weeks in winter. I did read what OP had written. Me saying "at weekends" does not mean for 48 hours 🙄 He does play golf at weekends, once per week.

In the winter yes, not the rest of the year. The rest of the year he plays at least one day every weekend.

The thing is, lots of people are struggling to understand why OP's wife objects to him playing golf on holiday and I think the answer is obvious. She's had enough of him prioritising golf.

I bet she’s sick of your fucking golf.

There it is.

She stuck with the kids for 5.5 days a week. You get to work 5 days and half a morning ‘off’. She is pissed off with it.

My DH has only just gone back to his hobby now that my DC are teens. The weekends were too precious for us all.

Holiday is the cherry on her shitty cake of childcare.

Ffs go and play golf. Ur wife regardless of finances can’t just say no. Same as u can’t say no to anything she wants to do eg campervan

Then don’t keep having kids simples.

No issue with the golf.

Wondering why you expect graditude for bring the breadwinner? Do you have graditude to yiur wife for sll the child minding, housekeeping, etc?

Are you not a partnership where everyone plays their part on getting the best balance for your family?

Too late for that, and she didn’t have them on her own.

You’re not unreasonable to want to play golf, she shouldn’t have to give you permission. But you are unreasonable to think you’re the only income - she’s making up for a nanny, a chef, a cleaner, a secretary etc. You’d be paying someone a lot of money if she has a job so she should be considered as contributing.

just because your the ‘breadwinner’ she is working aswelll its called childcare which is hard work just book a kids club for her so she gets a break from the kiddywinkles aswell and off you go for your 18 holes

Other than going to Dubai (yuck) I don't think you are getting unreasonable.
My DH is a bird watcher a couple of holidays he's gone off for a day with a local guide to have an experience he otherwise wouldn't get.
Id not begrudge it given you have 11 other days for family time.

There is nothing wrong with you having one day of golf on a 12 day holiday. There must be more going on for her to be funny about this.

If childcare is shitty, she could always go back to work and pay someone to do it. Most don't think bringing up their children is shitty when they chose to do just that

"me and the other bloke go and play golf, leaving the wives and children all together somewhere to enjoy each others company etc"
So you expect the women to look after the children while the men go off to do what they want?

"do see very little gratitude to this fact from my wife as any time I mention money she thinks I’m holding it against her that I am the sole provider financially."

"any income my wife has had over that period has been seen as disposable income, paying for holidays etc.. she is self employed so unfortunately this decreases a little when she is on maternity"

You aren't the sole provider are you, if she is self employed.
She has less money coming in because she is off caring for your three children.
You sound very dismissive of her earnings and employment. Just "disposable" spare change to you is it?

If you are going to have 3 children of course you should pay for them. What should she be grateful for? Her work is taking a third hit so she can care for the children, that's her contribution.

What sort of "mentioning money" are you doing?

Anyway- I would be so pissed off if my DH set me up on a mum's play date on holiday so he could go off with his mate (who "coincidentally" happens to be there at the same time.) In a place that just so happens to have once in a lifetime golf courses. More pissed off than if he just went off on his own to do it. Smacks of a set up.

What's the holiday being luxurious got to do with it? Does that make it better than if you are ditching the family on a campsite or something?

Half a day. Less than 4 hours. He's already said his wife is free to do the same.

Why will she outweigh you in that regard?

Because you want her to, because that allows you to let yourself off the hook of doing exactly 50% of the parenting and other domestic shitwork whenever you're at home.

There's no natural law that women can wipe arses/calm tantrums/play whatever game the DC want to play until they want to poke their own eyes out any better than men.

Leave being the breadwinner out of this argument. It's irrelevant. She's been the birther and has also contributed financially. The caravan is also irrelevant. I think your point is that you try to take her preferences on board, as you should.

Ask her what her resistance is and let her know what it would mean to you to be able to have the experience of playing golf there with a friend. Explain to her why it's important to you and if she doesn't want to have time with her friend in return, is there something else she would like from you instead? It could even be something completely unrelated to the holiday. I don't think you should go down the road of logic. Logic that makes sense to one person may not make sense to another. Try to empathize with her point of view and put forward your own and ask for a compromise that works for both of you.

Yes but you replied to me asking when will she get free time for her interests, your response implied his hobby takes over the whole weekend, it doesn't. He also works from home and helps with the school runs. She could find the time to do something for herself. We aren't talking about a controlling husband here who doesn't allow her to, or that doesn't appear to be the case from his posts.

Remove the breadwinner bit as that wasn’t needed - I think your DW is being a bit unreasonable, 1/2 a day playing golf in return for her having 1/2 a day for her is fine. I think as long as you are a partnership for the other 11 days then I can’t see what the issue is.

However that aside - when my kids were little if my (golf loving) DH has decided he was going to play golf every weekend that would have been an issue! As I worked too! That maybe the problem- she just wants 12 days without golf getting in the way!

You are only the "breadwinner" because your wife is sacrificing her career to be caretaker for your children.

She has a job! She’s on mat leave!