Uncompromising holiday disagreement

[MalePoster]

I would like some advice and opinions please, either way - I understand this is generally a place for women to post but I’m struggling to find somewhere that men can ask for similar advice.

Some context and background - I have been with my wife for 15 years, married for nearly 9. We have 3 children, 6 yo, 3 yo and 9 months. For as long as I can remember I have covered all of our bills and outgoings (at least since we started having children) and any income my wife has had over that period has been seen as disposable income, paying for holidays etc.. she is self employed so unfortunately this decreases a little when she is on maternity, such as in the past 9 months.. luckily I have been in position financially to be able to provide a decent lifestyle for us as a family, and I do not see being the breadwinner or the sole earner as a problem, however I do see very little gratitude to this fact from my wife as any time I mention money she thinks I’m holding it against her that I am the sole provider financially. I feel like in our lives, I do not make many demands as a husband, and I’m always more than happy to go on the holidays my wife wants and do activities that she wants us to do. She has been keen on buying a campervan for quite a few years and I’ve even come round to the idea and said I would put my Dads inheritance towards buying the campervan (Dad sadly passed last year).

I have recently booked a luxurious 12 day holiday for us as a family to go Dubai. My wife has been keen on going away for a while and I was just trying to time it right with school and work etc, so booked quite last minute. She had said Dubai would be good, and picked a nice resort hotel after we looked together, which I agreed would be a nice break for us as a family and hence why I booked it.

My personal hobby in life is golf, I play to a decent level and like playing nice courses when I can, without it being too unreasonable and inconsiderate to our family life.

I had mentioned a few times that if we went back to Dubai (went 4 years ago), I would like to play golf once during our trip.. this was usually met with the “we’ll see” “depends on timing” etc, like I am asking for permission. Well after I had booked I said that I would quite like to play golf, and it just so happened that our trip overlaps by 4 days with one of our close friend couples (with kids too) from home (I knew we were going to overlap before I booked but coincidence that they happened to be going at similar time).

I have made the suggestion to my wife that on one of the afternoons that we overlap with our friends, me and the other bloke go and play golf, leaving the wives and children all together somewhere to enjoy each others company etc.. well this has been met with a firm no from my wife, with absolutely no compromise or consideration towards my request, which has actually really annoyed me. She has made it clear that she wants the whole 12 day holiday to be family time together and thinks it’s unreasonable for me to go and play golf with my friend on one afternoon, even if it means she gets to spend time with her friend (who was one of her bridesmaids so a pretty close friend).

I have said that I’m more than happy for her to go and do something for her in return, like a spa morning or similar, but she says she doesn’t want to do that and just wants to spend the whole time as a family. Whilst I fully appreciate that, I do not think it makes me a bad person for wanting to do something for me on our holiday, especially considering all of the background to our relationship that I presented above.

What should I do? I really don’t want to back down for the principle of not being in a controlling relationship, and because I really do not think my request is unreasonable or inconsiderate to her or our children when considering the whole situation/scenario at play.

Thanks in advance

Based on what you've written I don't think your desire for an afternoon of golf sounds unreasonable and I wouldn't have a problem with it. But I'm not your wife.

It's hard to say without knowing more. I do know a couple where the DH is very laid back and mostly goes along with what his wife wants. It took them a long time to realise that resentment was growing because they would rarely do anything only he wanted to. It was a problem and they worked through it.

I've also been in a relationship where we mostly agreed, but when we didn't I always did what he wanted. It similarly caused resentment over the years.

But equally, I know many people who don't want to see non family on holiday. But I feel there must be more to it. It's easy to get in to a habit of tag teaming with kids and not spend time with your partner alone - is that something she'd like more than a spa day? Does she get a night off during the week like you do for golf at home?

That last part was a bit of a joke really, obviously he can , with his wife’s permission 😊

I suspect she’s sick and tired of being a golf widow.

One day a week is probably - given that you work - either a Saturday or Sunday. And add in a few beers after you play, it probably takes up most of the day.

plus the expense of new clubs, memberships etc… I’d be surprised if she didn’t resent it at least a bit.

I agree one afternoon isn’t excessive - but maybe she was really looking forward to some quality time as a family without you walking out the door with your golf bag slung over your shoulder again….

'I do not see being the breadwinner or the sole earner as a problem, however I do see very little gratitude to this fact from my wife as any time I mention money'

Gratitude? Seriously? This sounds like something from the 1950s. If you earn the money whilst your wife looks after the children and runs the house etc etc, then you should see yourselves as a team. Your wife is not just some little woman who just twiddles her fingers all day long.

As for your holiday plans, it sounds very much as though you've planned the whole thing to your liking. Just so happens to coincide with friends' holiday plans? Yeah, sure.

You've engineered the whole thing and your wife can see right through it. No wonder she's pissed off.

She’s not slogging it and she gets access to all the money he brings in so he’s sharing his wages equally in recognition of the unpaid childcare. She can have hobbies (and may do so) or she may choose not to. Both adults need their own time. He’s playing golf one morning every 3 weeks at the moment. It’s not excessive. He also works from home and he’s helping during the day when he’s working.

If he leaves her for being controlling, she will know what hard work is as she will need to work and be a single parent with no Dubai hols

Spends weekends golfing? He said he plays once a week, even less often in winter. I fail to see what is so bad about this.

As for her finding the time, she could do something in the afternoon on the day he plays golf, the other weekend day, an evening.

Agree!

Exactly this. Everyone twisting words to make all this his fault.
I don't think he is in the wrong.

I’ve tried talking to my partner and there is no compromise as I said in my original post, hence why I’m asking other people..

This sounds like you tried to persuaded her, that's something different. Could you try asking her why - without trying to "solve it" at that moment, just understanding?

Plus, how are your other plans for the trip? Have you booked some family activities, made plans, said what are you looking forward to do there with her and your children?
I wouldn't appreciate when we would have some free time together, and the very first thing my partner would want to book was his own activity.

Reading the post for what it is (and leaving the weird back story out) then I see nothing wrong with you having a couple of games of golf.

Why did you ask for permission?

She chose the holiday and he is the breadwinner. The only reason she doesn’t work is because his earnings means she doesn’t need to. But she can equally say no I’m going to work full time and they can pay childcare. But it’s easier for her to not work and get the benefit of his wages. He’s been complimenting her as a mother, why can’t she compliment him as a breadwinner. She gets the brilliant job of being with the kids. It’s far easier and more fun than any corporate job trust me!

It’s the golf OP and she’s resentful that you fuck off for half a day every Saturday while she’s stuck dealing with three young kids on her own. It’s the most inconvenient time as everyone with young kids prefer to go out in the morning to tire them out then home for lunch/nap and a more chilled afternoon. I get stressed taking my 4 and 2 year old out on my own sometimes. It would be stressful as fuck to wrangle 3 on your own. Even small things like “I need a wee mummy!” she’ll have to round up all kids and cram them all into a cubicle together.

Golf as a hobby is very selfish when you have a young family - sorry. I’m team wife here.

You mentioned playing an afternoon of golf - do you suggest that as you know it's the best time to leave your family usually? Personally I find the afternoons harder than the mornings with my kids as they get tired and less co-operative as the day goes on, so would much prefer my OH be around then.

Can you play in the morning instead? Or better yet, in the evening when the kids are in bed, or safely in the hotel doing the dinner/bedtime routine? If I was your wife I'd be very worried about managing two mobile children and a baby near a pool, or just out and about in an unfamiliar place.

Of course not. But you've already said that you spend one day every weekend at the golf course. Does she get one day every weekend to herself?

I suspect that you bringing up golf 🙄 on the holiday was just the last straw for her.

I knew you'd get slated, OP, because this is Mumsnet so men are automatically in the wrong.
So many posters seem to be unable to read or comprehend what you said in your original and subsequent posts.
You didn't choose the destination or the resort, your wife did. By chance your friends will be there for a few days too - it's not just your golf buddy, the wife was a bridesmaid at your wedding. These are close friends of both of you, so it shouldn't be any hardship to spend time with them.
I really cannot see any problem with you spending a few hours playing golf on a fabulous course with your friend. Your wife can do whatever she likes at that time, but if it were me I'd enjoy time with my girlfriend and our kids. There's usually a really good kids club at these resorts, so maybe the 6 and/or 3 year old would enjoy that for a few hours. Possibilities...
And it's very fair that your wife then has a few hours to do whatever she wants (I'd be booking a massage in the Spa). Or not, if she really doesn't want to. Her choice.
That still leaves 10 whole days for family time.
Honestly, I think she's being very unfair and I hope that she reconsiders her stance. She sounds very controlling. Compromises should be made by each person.

You don't know that though do you?

He could tell her every day she's a wonderful mother. Still a tosser though yeah? My BIL is always saying how good a mother his wife is but she still says he doesn't because she's a bit thick. Maybe this fellas wife thinks the world revolves around her. However I'm not going to call her a tosser because I don't know for sure.

Fact of the matter is, she wanted children. She put herself in that position. He has allowed it by working which is a luxury not a lot of couples have. His career has allowed that. It could have been hers but it wasn't. You can't pay for a holiday to Dubai by way of rasing children. Again, he has facilitated that, she could have but in this situation he has.

Her contribution is incredible but it's irrelevant when the focus is golf in Dubai. If he isn't going to enjoy their holiday, maybe they shouldn't go? It's an afternoon within 12 days and he's offered her the same courtesy.

I would not mind you playing golf. But your suggestion she can/will/should team up with the other wife makes me cringe. If she wants to do that she would arrange it.
You do sound pompous OP, but on surface level 1 afternoon is reasonable.

OP said he plays every 3 weeks or so in the winter, and is usually back by lunchtime...
He also mainly wfh, so does school runs and other stuff with the kids during the day...

I agree with this. You simply couldn’t work without your wife doing the majority of childcare and housework. Your wife physically cannot just go and earn some money when she’s got a 9 month old plus 2 others! The gratitude should be equal towards each other.

As for the golf, it seems fine you going especially if you’ll have the kids on an alternative day while she can relax. Ask what’s really the issue as there must be more to it.

The whole of that story was totally irrelevant. Your wife works just as hard as you and your income is a joint venture, you wouldn’t be earning it if she wasn’t caring for your children and household.

on the matter of the golf, I can’t see why you couldn’t go play golf one day, this wouldn’t bother me at all. Do you have form for taking the piss and leaving her with more childcare burden?

On the face of it, it seems reasonable to have a morning or afternoon playing golf. In exchange for you and your friend looking after the children so your wife and her friend can do something child free.

I think I can see her point though too. If you’re playing golf half a day a week (or a bit less over winter), that’s quite a percentage of your overall “family time” as the children are quite young and will be going to bed reasonably early. Does she get the equivalent time every week child free that you have for golf? It’s an awful lot of work to look after three children especially a baby. She’s maybe just exhausted and maybe hormonal anyway as it takes a while before everything settled down after having a baby. Is the baby sleeping through? Who gets up in the night? She’s probably doing more than her fair share in terms of childcare and housework plus mental energy of trying to remember everything (school stuff, dental appointments, vaccinations, etc) especially as she’s running her own business too.

Why don’t you sit down and make a list of all the childcare, housework and family stuff you both do, and how long it takes. Assess if it’s fair or not.

I think an afternoon to play golf is fair especially as you have offered her time off as well.

Is that balance there every weekend? As it could be that your weekly sessions are what's the problem. Maybe she resents it and spoke like you to be more present at weekends.

Sounds wonderful. But this situation sounds potentially very different. OP's wife is not thinking or feeling like that about the holiday golf. OP is sure that she should.
Probably outsiders can't untangle this.

Oh dont be such a prat

I’m married to someone who plays golf and what I will say is that it ALWAYS takes longer to play a round than he estimates, without fail. In fact you might as well write off the whole day really.

If it’s just the 2 of us he will sometimes book a round really early as I’m not an early riser on holiday.