Uncompromising holiday disagreement

[MalePoster]

I would like some advice and opinions please, either way - I understand this is generally a place for women to post but I’m struggling to find somewhere that men can ask for similar advice.

Some context and background - I have been with my wife for 15 years, married for nearly 9. We have 3 children, 6 yo, 3 yo and 9 months. For as long as I can remember I have covered all of our bills and outgoings (at least since we started having children) and any income my wife has had over that period has been seen as disposable income, paying for holidays etc.. she is self employed so unfortunately this decreases a little when she is on maternity, such as in the past 9 months.. luckily I have been in position financially to be able to provide a decent lifestyle for us as a family, and I do not see being the breadwinner or the sole earner as a problem, however I do see very little gratitude to this fact from my wife as any time I mention money she thinks I’m holding it against her that I am the sole provider financially. I feel like in our lives, I do not make many demands as a husband, and I’m always more than happy to go on the holidays my wife wants and do activities that she wants us to do. She has been keen on buying a campervan for quite a few years and I’ve even come round to the idea and said I would put my Dads inheritance towards buying the campervan (Dad sadly passed last year).

I have recently booked a luxurious 12 day holiday for us as a family to go Dubai. My wife has been keen on going away for a while and I was just trying to time it right with school and work etc, so booked quite last minute. She had said Dubai would be good, and picked a nice resort hotel after we looked together, which I agreed would be a nice break for us as a family and hence why I booked it.

My personal hobby in life is golf, I play to a decent level and like playing nice courses when I can, without it being too unreasonable and inconsiderate to our family life.

I had mentioned a few times that if we went back to Dubai (went 4 years ago), I would like to play golf once during our trip.. this was usually met with the “we’ll see” “depends on timing” etc, like I am asking for permission. Well after I had booked I said that I would quite like to play golf, and it just so happened that our trip overlaps by 4 days with one of our close friend couples (with kids too) from home (I knew we were going to overlap before I booked but coincidence that they happened to be going at similar time).

I have made the suggestion to my wife that on one of the afternoons that we overlap with our friends, me and the other bloke go and play golf, leaving the wives and children all together somewhere to enjoy each others company etc.. well this has been met with a firm no from my wife, with absolutely no compromise or consideration towards my request, which has actually really annoyed me. She has made it clear that she wants the whole 12 day holiday to be family time together and thinks it’s unreasonable for me to go and play golf with my friend on one afternoon, even if it means she gets to spend time with her friend (who was one of her bridesmaids so a pretty close friend).

I have said that I’m more than happy for her to go and do something for her in return, like a spa morning or similar, but she says she doesn’t want to do that and just wants to spend the whole time as a family. Whilst I fully appreciate that, I do not think it makes me a bad person for wanting to do something for me on our holiday, especially considering all of the background to our relationship that I presented above.

What should I do? I really don’t want to back down for the principle of not being in a controlling relationship, and because I really do not think my request is unreasonable or inconsiderate to her or our children when considering the whole situation/scenario at play.

Thanks in advance

It is one thing for you to have some time playing golf but does your wife also have time for hobbies?
You may wish to go out with your friend but looking after 3 young children, one of which is a baby, on your own, which will be the best part of a day, is hard when you are not in your own home. Don’t arrange for your wife and children to spend time with your friend’s wife and children. Your wife can make her own decisions. They may have been good friends once but maybe they aren’t so close now.I am suspicious when you say you didn’t know your friend would be there at the same time.

You know your wife so why do you think she has point blank turned your request down - is she controlling/exhausted by doing all the parenting/wanting you to be more engaged with the kids etc? I think you need to be completely honest with yourself and ask yourself if you are really present and engaged when you are with the family? If you can honestly say yes to that, then I would be letting her know how important this is to you and how much you would value the chance to do this. I don't think having a day to yourself to do whatever you want is at all unreasonable whether you're the main earner or not as long as it isn't part of a larger pattern of leaving the parenting to her. I hope she agrees to it - if not, let it be the start of a wider conversation because I sense you're feeling she is being controlling so you will need to discuss that before resentment builds.

I don't think it's unreasonable at all, it's nice to give each other a break. I would have a chat again and say that you will be playing golf for an afternoon and she is welcome to have an afternoon off as well. You don't need to be joined at the hip all the time.

Did you not see where he said he was home by lunch time? So he's gone for a few hours?!

So for me the next thing is - ask why she wont compromise?

And if she says she wants all 12 days to be family days we is 11 or 11.5 not good enough?

Because on the surface I think one day while her and the kids are with her friend and their LOs sounds reasonable. 1 day out of 12 sounds reasonable. And you asked you didnt tell.. so theres more to her no. And she needs to explain this, because there might he a reasonable reason for her no. But you need to know what it is

So id be inclined to ask why, and if she wont give an answer you can work on together towards a compromise then id be saying Im not asking. This is my holiday too. Im booking my golf trip and you can come round the course with me or stay at the hotel but unless you can explain to me why its a no for you, so we can work together on a solution im going.

OP said the rest of the year he plays "once a week at most", not at least one day a week.

More likely 5 hours plus travelling there and back. It depends on the course.

I hadn't read he said this and just went back to check and couldn't see it again. Maybe you could tag me in his post that says he does all the evening childcare and every afternoon on a Saturday and all day sunday as what I am aware from golf is that it is a whole day activity as he stated.

So please show me the posts where he said he does all this on his own and she leaves the house?

Agree with this totally.

I've never knew so many people find it so hard to look after their own children. It's so much easier bring a sahm than a working mum.

Golf is not a full day activity. My DH gets up at 7am on a Saturday, while we're still asleep, to play. He's usually home for lunchtime (he stops en route on way home to pick up groceries for us).

I'm a SAHM. I do not expect my DH to work all week and then spend all his weekend doing childcare. I get plenty of downtime during my week.

He says he’s a present dad and he’s around at Sat afternoon and Sunday. No reason his wife can’t go out.

I suppose more context, I work from home full time and provide a decent amount of child support during the day around my work, regularly doing school runs etc.
hobby one day a week on weekend I try to play first thing in morning so I’m home by lunchtime.

OP you really don’t get it. Playing golf every week on the weekend is like 25% of the weekend of the kids being awake.

You booked a holiday and now you want to play golf again.

Your wife is looking after three young kids and wanted a family holiday - you want to spend a day playing golf.

And for reference my family played a lot of golf so i know it’s hours and hours and the it’s only one round justification. Big whooop of the world renowned courses - these are all
over the world including England and Scotland.

So you're out there for 288hrs, and she begrudges you probably 6 of those. She's 100% unreasonable, in fact she's downright mean. Just do it, stop being so compliant. A marriage is full of compromises and if this isn't acceptable to her then she's vindictive too

OP, I think you need to find out why your wife is so implacably opposed to your spending one afternoon playing golf, which in the face of it sounds perfectly reasonable. Is she worried that she will have to spend four solid days with the other couple and their DC when she would rather spend it with you? Is she perhaps not as close to the wife as you think? Does she dislike one of the other DC? Are the DC different ages so would want to do different things? If you want to play golf, then offer her a child free afternoon so that she can do whatever she wants. It might not be the golf so much as having to give up part of her holiday to another family - but you won’t resolve this without talking to her.

She sounds like a selfish dickhead

Hth

I agree with all the PP about the money - it didn’t need mentioning in your post. Your wife doesn’t ever need to hear about that either, you are both equally raising a family together - through money earned and parenting.

Parenting is hard, especially with 3 youngsters. My guess is that your DW doesn’t really mean ‘family time’ as her reason for saying no but means ‘don’t leave her with 3 young children to look after on her own in a foreign country’. Although you’re not being unreasonable to have a break, your DW wants/needs your help, not you off galavanting with your friend.

I think it depends on how much effort you put in with your children. The more effort, the harder parenting is. A SAHM mum’s role can be as exhausting as a high paid corporate role if you take your parenting role seriously enough - i.e not using screens as a babysitter and engage with your children through play and activities all day.

I wasn’t a SAHM but did only work 3 days in a demanding marketing role, but my days off with the kids were just as intense as I gave them my full attention from the minute they got up until they went to bed. It pays off. I would say, parenting for me was hard.

Hmm, I was going to say it's reasonable to have a days golf considering its 12 days away rather than just a week, but if you play golf one day a week at home then I can understand why she would be annoyed you can't just have a holiday together without it being dictated by golf. Especially if it's a weekend day sacrificed to golf each week

@MalePoster I have been giving it some thought and I wonder in the issue is/there is some truth in this

In her eyes you initially made a gesture to take the family away involved her and it seemed like an amazing gesture putting the family first
UNTIL
it became clear/she interpreted it as that actually what you wanted was to play golf, that the thing she enabled a lot of the time was the centre of the gesture. Not her not your family but golf. You put golf first

and suddenly the gesture you made seems hollow and false and she feels lied to. And the way you presented it wasn’t great either

its not what it’s the how

She is fucked off with you playing golf. Most people I know who play golf didn’t do so when they had babies at home. It’s a rather self indulgent hobby that takes bloody hours. Can’t you take up a bit of jogging? Park run is more time efficient. Home in an hour not five.

Yes this is 100% accurate and true, she just wants to spend time with her husband and children. Do you therefore see my predicament given that my wife and children are not in the position to share my hobby. I could wait years for them to “catch up” and share Dads love for golf…

Maybe your wife doesn’t want to spend a day of her holiday with the other blokes family.

I would actually say that parents who don’t have hobbies that they make time to do are setting a poor example for their children. It’s important to prioritise your time, but it’s also important to have a healthy balanced life that isn’t just work and family time, but also includes socialising with friends, hobbies especially sports and other things that have health benefits, etc. OP’s younger two children are too young to understand this at the moment, but the 6 year old is not. So I wouldn’t have a problem with the golf.

And for those who have said that maybe she doesn’t want to hang out with the other family or maybe she doesn’t want a morning at the spa … it reads to me as those are suggestions for things that she could do, not that he is saying that she has to do that. I’m sure it would be quite okay for her to say “no thanks, I don’t want a morning at the spa but I will sit here and read my book undisturbed” or whatever it is that she wants to do.

You are not being at all unreasonable. Your wife is being unkind and selfish.

Selfish? She's raising 3 children and wants to spend family time together. How is that selfish? Selfish would be her wanting to spend half of the holiday all by herself without her DH & children.