Uncompromising holiday disagreement

[MalePoster]

I would like some advice and opinions please, either way - I understand this is generally a place for women to post but I’m struggling to find somewhere that men can ask for similar advice.

Some context and background - I have been with my wife for 15 years, married for nearly 9. We have 3 children, 6 yo, 3 yo and 9 months. For as long as I can remember I have covered all of our bills and outgoings (at least since we started having children) and any income my wife has had over that period has been seen as disposable income, paying for holidays etc.. she is self employed so unfortunately this decreases a little when she is on maternity, such as in the past 9 months.. luckily I have been in position financially to be able to provide a decent lifestyle for us as a family, and I do not see being the breadwinner or the sole earner as a problem, however I do see very little gratitude to this fact from my wife as any time I mention money she thinks I’m holding it against her that I am the sole provider financially. I feel like in our lives, I do not make many demands as a husband, and I’m always more than happy to go on the holidays my wife wants and do activities that she wants us to do. She has been keen on buying a campervan for quite a few years and I’ve even come round to the idea and said I would put my Dads inheritance towards buying the campervan (Dad sadly passed last year).

I have recently booked a luxurious 12 day holiday for us as a family to go Dubai. My wife has been keen on going away for a while and I was just trying to time it right with school and work etc, so booked quite last minute. She had said Dubai would be good, and picked a nice resort hotel after we looked together, which I agreed would be a nice break for us as a family and hence why I booked it.

My personal hobby in life is golf, I play to a decent level and like playing nice courses when I can, without it being too unreasonable and inconsiderate to our family life.

I had mentioned a few times that if we went back to Dubai (went 4 years ago), I would like to play golf once during our trip.. this was usually met with the “we’ll see” “depends on timing” etc, like I am asking for permission. Well after I had booked I said that I would quite like to play golf, and it just so happened that our trip overlaps by 4 days with one of our close friend couples (with kids too) from home (I knew we were going to overlap before I booked but coincidence that they happened to be going at similar time).

I have made the suggestion to my wife that on one of the afternoons that we overlap with our friends, me and the other bloke go and play golf, leaving the wives and children all together somewhere to enjoy each others company etc.. well this has been met with a firm no from my wife, with absolutely no compromise or consideration towards my request, which has actually really annoyed me. She has made it clear that she wants the whole 12 day holiday to be family time together and thinks it’s unreasonable for me to go and play golf with my friend on one afternoon, even if it means she gets to spend time with her friend (who was one of her bridesmaids so a pretty close friend).

I have said that I’m more than happy for her to go and do something for her in return, like a spa morning or similar, but she says she doesn’t want to do that and just wants to spend the whole time as a family. Whilst I fully appreciate that, I do not think it makes me a bad person for wanting to do something for me on our holiday, especially considering all of the background to our relationship that I presented above.

What should I do? I really don’t want to back down for the principle of not being in a controlling relationship, and because I really do not think my request is unreasonable or inconsiderate to her or our children when considering the whole situation/scenario at play.

Thanks in advance

So you work all week then spent 1 full day out while she does the childcare at the weekend and then on the other weekend day does she get the whole day out or is that the only family time you have?

How often does she get the whole day to herself in the way that you do?

She’s being ridiculous. I’m a golf widow, and any holidays are planned to include at least one round of golf for DH; it’s his holiday too, especially as he’s paying for it! I can’t even contemplate forbidding my DH to play golf!

I’d hold off on putting your inheritance into the camper van she wants. Holidays have to offer something for everyone, not just her.

Personally I wouldn't have a problem with this, are you going to reciprocate and have the kids while she does something on her own, during the 12 days ?

looking after your own kids is not as difficult as doing a senior role. This man has never said she’s not his equal. He’s just wanting half a day to do an activity on a holiday he didn’t choose but paid for.

It won’t be an hour or two. It will be longer. Likely a whole day realistically.

i cope at home because the eldest is at school for part of the afternoon. I also have things I need at home, our toys, ceebeebies, soft play within walking distance from my house. It’s different on holiday with 3 small kids

I don't know what your comment has to do with mine so unsure why you quoted me, but to respond to you:

I didn't mention lie ins, so no idea why you've mentioned that.

She DOES work, she runs her own business actually - didn't you read the OP?

She's runs her own business AND looks after the children full-time, and probably most of the housework too. I'm not sure why you're trying to tell me what being both a SAHM and working in a demanding job entails though, I'm well aware as have done both, but thanks for educating me 🙄Again, nothing to do with my comment though.

You sounds very ignorant though, you may not have found it hard looking after your own children, but that doesn't mean it's plain sailing for everyone. So a blanket comment that it's not hard is very ignorant, but again, no idea of the relevance of this to my comment that you quoted.

Can you read? He spends one morning v early doing his hobby. And it’s once evert 3 weeks in winter. She has every evening and Sat afternoon and all day Sunday. And midweek she just has the baby as others are at school and nursery. It’s not hard to look after a baby. I worked full time in a senior role with a young family and I was knackered but when I took a week off work, it was a breeze!

I am with you OP. I think you should be able to have time to yourself and a hobby.
But perhaps your wife is totally snowed under with all the chores and family work ? Is it possible that due to your busy work you don't contribute much to house work ? Perhaps she is frustrated and tired.

But yes, still, everyone should be allowed time to themselves.

Huge difference between playing golf at home, especially with crap weather, and playing a round at a top course in Dubai. We’ve planned whole holidays around a specific course that DH has wanted to play at. As long as the hotel has a spa and a pool, I’m happy. Our first holiday abroad as a family with baby DS, DH played golf, and then we swapped and I had a spa treatment. Time to oneself is important.

i cope at home because the eldest is at school for part of the afternoon. I also have things I need at home, our toys, ceebeebies, soft play within walking distance from my house. It’s different on holiday with 3 small kids

But she has chosen the destination and the type of place they are staying in, if she wanted easy they could have gone to some sort of child friendly place with lots of things to keep children entertained ?

She RUNS HER OWN BUSINESS TOO. Why do you keep saying she's a SAHM. She looks after their children AND works.

Maybe she is stressed at the thought of being alone with the kids in an unfamiliar environment?

Ok. OP works from home. So he’s a present dad, with plenty of time spent with the family. You should have mentioned this at the start and maybe get slightly different answers.

Does she maybe feel like a golf widow? Is she resentful of missing out on family time on the weekend, every week? (Also, you're back by lunchtime? Really?).

I really don't think you are being unreasonable re golf on holiday. I do think it'd be a great opportunity for you, i imagine their golf courses would be amazing over there.
But the resoluteness of her "no" makes me wonder if she resents your golf days, and that she wants more family time without golf interrupting on a frequent basis.

So why not choose a place with kids clubs? There will be another reason for her controlling it…

He wfh. He’s at home all week.

OP, you’re not going to get fair shakes on this board. Playing once a week does not equal a golf widow! Go play your round of golf and enjoy it.

Because he said she’s not earning much now. So that would mean she’s not working very much at all. But if she wants to work she can up her business and pay for a nanny. But she chooses not to. I wonder why that is? Could it because she doesn’t have to because her husband lets her spend whatever and make decisions and because looking after your kids is easier than working full time with kids.

And doing school runs when he’s working.. She doesn’t realise how lucky she has it. All this “when does she get a break”? He works 5 days a week.
looking after your kids is not hard. Can we stop pretending it is like working down a mine!

Ah I missed that part! I personally wouldn’t want to holiday with my bridesmaids anymore but fair enough.

I think the whole breadwinner has clouded the issue.

I think in some cases gender has also clouded the issue. If a female wrote the post I would like to go to x on a small part of the holiday and male said no they would be called all the controlling things under the sun.

You should get a day free day. She should also get a free day to do whatever she wants.

Personally, I would be saying I am going to be playing golf on the one day.

So you both work, the difference is you are getting paid for it and she is slogging it with the kids for free.
You also get to do your hobby once a week. Golf takes up a large part of the day. I know this because I am also a golf widow with three children.
Your wife wants some support with the kids, while she is on holiday. It’s mentally very challenging looking after young children and she needs your help during this break.
So no you cannot play golf on holiday.

If me or dh say we are going to do something and the other doesn’t agree, we will say “I’m not asking for your permission, I’m telling you my plans” it’s not unreasonable for you to play golf at all, your wife is being a bit silly here, god after 12 days together full time you’ll be ready to go home to get some space

I’ve got an idea. Cancel the holiday and book a fortnight with the family in a caravan in skegness for pure family time in the tiger club! I bet she won’t go for that!

Or extend your dubai holiday by 3 days just to play golf and give her 3 day break some other time.

How can you tell a stranger “no he can’t play golf on holiday” 😂😂😂 you win the internet today, that’s cracked me up! ….. Op yes you can play golf on holiday, you have my permission 😂

Agree with PPs who have mentioned not wanting to spend time with friends on a family holiday, and those who mention holiday time being a time to escape from hobbies/activities that usually cause resentment at home.

If you organise a holiday with friends or family members, you know what you're signing up for. Similarly if you plan a holiday with just your OH and kids that's what you expect, so I can see why her knee jerk reaction would be "no". Maybe when she's had some time to think in it she'll change her mind.

But that might depend on how she usually feels about you playing golf at home. If my OH tried to pack his games console in his holiday suitcase I'd be furious - we spend our lives competing with that thing for his attention, a family holiday is supposed to be a nice break from that!