Uncompromising holiday disagreement

[MalePoster]

I would like some advice and opinions please, either way - I understand this is generally a place for women to post but I’m struggling to find somewhere that men can ask for similar advice.

Some context and background - I have been with my wife for 15 years, married for nearly 9. We have 3 children, 6 yo, 3 yo and 9 months. For as long as I can remember I have covered all of our bills and outgoings (at least since we started having children) and any income my wife has had over that period has been seen as disposable income, paying for holidays etc.. she is self employed so unfortunately this decreases a little when she is on maternity, such as in the past 9 months.. luckily I have been in position financially to be able to provide a decent lifestyle for us as a family, and I do not see being the breadwinner or the sole earner as a problem, however I do see very little gratitude to this fact from my wife as any time I mention money she thinks I’m holding it against her that I am the sole provider financially. I feel like in our lives, I do not make many demands as a husband, and I’m always more than happy to go on the holidays my wife wants and do activities that she wants us to do. She has been keen on buying a campervan for quite a few years and I’ve even come round to the idea and said I would put my Dads inheritance towards buying the campervan (Dad sadly passed last year).

I have recently booked a luxurious 12 day holiday for us as a family to go Dubai. My wife has been keen on going away for a while and I was just trying to time it right with school and work etc, so booked quite last minute. She had said Dubai would be good, and picked a nice resort hotel after we looked together, which I agreed would be a nice break for us as a family and hence why I booked it.

My personal hobby in life is golf, I play to a decent level and like playing nice courses when I can, without it being too unreasonable and inconsiderate to our family life.

I had mentioned a few times that if we went back to Dubai (went 4 years ago), I would like to play golf once during our trip.. this was usually met with the “we’ll see” “depends on timing” etc, like I am asking for permission. Well after I had booked I said that I would quite like to play golf, and it just so happened that our trip overlaps by 4 days with one of our close friend couples (with kids too) from home (I knew we were going to overlap before I booked but coincidence that they happened to be going at similar time).

I have made the suggestion to my wife that on one of the afternoons that we overlap with our friends, me and the other bloke go and play golf, leaving the wives and children all together somewhere to enjoy each others company etc.. well this has been met with a firm no from my wife, with absolutely no compromise or consideration towards my request, which has actually really annoyed me. She has made it clear that she wants the whole 12 day holiday to be family time together and thinks it’s unreasonable for me to go and play golf with my friend on one afternoon, even if it means she gets to spend time with her friend (who was one of her bridesmaids so a pretty close friend).

I have said that I’m more than happy for her to go and do something for her in return, like a spa morning or similar, but she says she doesn’t want to do that and just wants to spend the whole time as a family. Whilst I fully appreciate that, I do not think it makes me a bad person for wanting to do something for me on our holiday, especially considering all of the background to our relationship that I presented above.

What should I do? I really don’t want to back down for the principle of not being in a controlling relationship, and because I really do not think my request is unreasonable or inconsiderate to her or our children when considering the whole situation/scenario at play.

Thanks in advance

I don't see self entitlement, I just see a guy wanting to do something he likes on holiday. You ironically sound self entitled that you think it's a man's duty to pay you to sit at home with kids!

Breeding. doesnt. make. you. a. superhero! She will have willfully wanted kids too remember! The real life issue here is that they've got a 6 year old, a 3 year old and a baby and that's a lot of hard work that mum obviously doesn't want to be left managing on her own on holiday.

Wow. If I read this, I'd be planning a few more golfing holidays with all the spare time I'm going to have shortly.

Am I mad to want another baby before leaving my husband?
304 replies
DisneyBaby · 12/04/2021 00:07
My husband and I have been very up and down throughout our whole relationship, he's always been lazy and not much help around the house, he has a gambling problem which has resulted in trust issues and he can have a bit of a temper with me at times too.

We have been together 10 years, married 4 and have a 15 month old daughter. I have always wanted 3/4 children close together in age so they would have a close bond like my sisters and I had growing up. But I am now pretty certain after deliberating about it for several years, that I want to leave my husband. I do believe I can do better, and a lot of friends and family have told me the same.
I worry that I wouldn't meet someone new straight away and I think about my daughter growing up with no siblings close in age, and it makes me think...

Should I just stay for a few months longer and have baby number two so that my daughter will have a playmate, or is that totally stupid? As much as I would love another baby myself, this decision is more based around her, if I were to be a single Mum she wouldn't have someone else to play with at home and that breaks my heart.. Surely I can't be the only person who has thought or planned such a thing??? Am I crazy?

Yawn. Your Op is far too long...

I'm a solo mum, never a problem.

The golf

You don't need her permission. Just tell her when you're going and what time you'll be back and make sure she understands that she can book whatever activity she'd like to do (not necessarily a spa) at a different time. It doesn't matter who earns what, you are entitled to a small amount of leisure time away from the family.

I don’t understand why people have kids then spend their time fighting each other. These 2 clearly aren’t a team and everyone has a miserable life ahead.

Have also read your wife's post.
You are being extremely unreasonable and selfish. I knew there would be more context to it than you provided - do you know how many golf widows are on MN? Your behaviour is sadly typical of a certain kind of man and we have all seen this pattern before.

Your wife is exhausted doing childcare and housework. Your claims of helping a lot or of leaving the house spotless if she would go out for herself seem dubious at best. Does it not occur to you that when she's going on holiday she doesn't want more of the same drudgery she gets at home?

It also sounds like Dubai was your holiday choice, not hers. You chose the destination so you could play golf and now you'll try to make her feel guilty for setting a boundary, which she has every right to do after your last holiday where you used her as unpaid childcare so you could play golf with your mates half the time.

Grow up, honestly.

"Sit at home with the kids" - jesus christ

Perhaps you don't understand this, but childcare is labour. Looking after a 9 month old all day alone is all-consuming and exhausting, and I bet this woman is doing all the night wakings too. If the wife didn't look after the kids, this man would have to pay someone else to do it - and that isn't cheap. Women who take time to look after kids and a household also take a career hit so that their male partners can advance financially, leaving them financially vulnerable for the future. If you're actually female you sound either terminally naive, or as if you've internalised quite a bit of misogyny.

That has to be one of the most toxic, narcissistic, shitposts I've ever seen.😂

"I had the measure of you from your opening post...".. Good greif, get a grip. 🙄

What a coincidence that the place you chose to take your young family on holiday also has "world renowned" golf courses! How cool!

Oh, i think that's definitely unreasonable. Regardless of financial contribution. My circumstances are so similar to yours, although my husband and i had children in previous marriages, not together... but everything else resonates. And I know the child thing changes things enormously but I think you should be 'allowed' to have some time to yourself on holiday - as should your wife if she wanted. And I'm pretty sure if a woman had posted that she wanted to spend a morning running... or reading quietly... or doing some solo sight seeing but her husband was refusing to 'allow' her, then all hell would break loose. I think we all work hard and should be encouraging each other to have fun and enjoy ourselves however that might be. I'm a runner. I go off as often as I can exploring.. husband is a golfer and now that he's not working as much has just started going on golf trips and I couldn't be more excited for him to finally be prioritising himself. Oh - and I persuaded him to buy a campervan when his father died recently. He hates it. Has only been in it once. (I on the other hand, get to go off on solo adventures). I'm not sure how you should proceed though, but surely she might be cheesed off and then get over it?

Agree

Long term, can you encourage your wife to become interested in golf? Then you get to do your hobby and spend time together as a couple. Base holidays around it etc.

That doesn't help for now and this holiday. Children are young etc.

If you play golf at home regularly that's chunks of time that you're taking out of family life - not to make you feel guilty - but your wife is enabling that by taking care of the kids at those times. Maybe she just feels that on holiday she would rather you are 100% focused on family so she gets more of a break.

The issue of 'who gets to decide' just says that you need to sit down together and have a real honest chat about it - so you each understand each other's perspective.

I think your wife is unreasonable to not let you go out for an afternoon, she can also go out one afternoon, people don't need to be on top of each other 24/7 on holiday. My husband and I do the same - he goes cycling one afternoon, I go swimming the next. Who is the breadwinner is immaterial to this discussion (I am, in case it makes any difference to how you view my reply).

I’ve read both sides of this grim little tale. I’d suggest counselling to reflect on the gap in expectation and the comms.

It doesn’t really matter if 99% of randoms think you’re being reasonable, if the 1% is the person you’re married to.

Your wife has explained why this won’t work very clearly. The logistics with three young children - heading off to another resort for the afternoon, makes it really hard work. It won’t be a relaxing hang out with her friend.

The deal the two of you have is that she does the bulk of the childcare and you provide the bulk of the finances.

Looking after children and managing the house is work. Hard work. If you hired Nannie’s, cleaners and a housekeeper, it would be a huge amount of money. She is doing the unpaid, undervalued but very hard work, that enables you to work full time, despite having three children.

I bet she holds the mental load and does the bulk of the emotional labour, including managing your temper by the sound of it.

Having the three very young kids, by herself, away from home is harder than doing it at home. Having you around full time, means that the burden is shared and she can relax a little more than at home, where she works 24/7, 7 days a week with no pay, no sick leave and no annual leave. Just because she loves being a mum, doesn’t negate just how hard it is. So you opting out of family life for half a day, is you asking her to do her job, whilst on holiday, and making it harder.

When you have young children a holiday is just the same work but in a different place. You still have to manage all the same tasks as at home.

A family holiday means that you can fully ditch your paid work for 12 days and pick up half of her unpaid work. There won’t be the same demands in terms of cooking and cleaning etc and so by sharing the parenting (something that is different from your paid job so won’t feel so much like the daily grind) you both get a bit of a break from being ‘on it’.

This phase, while the kids are little, is harder but as the grow golf will be back on the table.

Can you honestly say that you both get equal amounts of time to yourselves?

As to your wife’s previous threads. I’m sorry you had to hear it like that, if it’s news to you. But I think couples counselling is a must here.

Your kids are too young to be round a pool with one adult. And too young to go to the friends hotel. It is a family holiday. Golf will have to wait until they are older.

You are right there are no guarantees of future, but right now your children are priority for this holiday. When they are 6, 8 and 10 yrs old one day at gold is very reasonable but not when so young.

I don’t think all the waffle about who earns what etc is relevant -(it maybe telling that you do). The question is “should you be able to play golf in this holiday situation ?” I’d say yes you should.
If it was me, I wouldn’t mind at all

I thought he said he works from home so does school runs, helps with the children during the week, too . Someone else referred to her life looking after children as a thankless task…jeez. It’s not compulsory to have children if it’s such a thankless task..most people should find it fulfilling..and she chose to have 3 and now one is at school.

Anyway, one afternoon out of 12 is not unreasonable. Even if Dubai was picked for the golf course, it shouldn’t matter. It’s his holiday too. It’s not as though she can’t have time for a break from child care if she wants it. Everyone should have a hobby, and with golfers in my family, I know how it goes, but life is short.

‘Helping out’ is what friends and family do. He is a parent and one person can’t have a babe in arms and watch two small children adequately by the pool.

At this stage if family life, the holiday is mostly about the children. It changes as they get older.

exactly this