Uncompromising holiday disagreement

[MalePoster]

I would like some advice and opinions please, either way - I understand this is generally a place for women to post but I’m struggling to find somewhere that men can ask for similar advice.

Some context and background - I have been with my wife for 15 years, married for nearly 9. We have 3 children, 6 yo, 3 yo and 9 months. For as long as I can remember I have covered all of our bills and outgoings (at least since we started having children) and any income my wife has had over that period has been seen as disposable income, paying for holidays etc.. she is self employed so unfortunately this decreases a little when she is on maternity, such as in the past 9 months.. luckily I have been in position financially to be able to provide a decent lifestyle for us as a family, and I do not see being the breadwinner or the sole earner as a problem, however I do see very little gratitude to this fact from my wife as any time I mention money she thinks I’m holding it against her that I am the sole provider financially. I feel like in our lives, I do not make many demands as a husband, and I’m always more than happy to go on the holidays my wife wants and do activities that she wants us to do. She has been keen on buying a campervan for quite a few years and I’ve even come round to the idea and said I would put my Dads inheritance towards buying the campervan (Dad sadly passed last year).

I have recently booked a luxurious 12 day holiday for us as a family to go Dubai. My wife has been keen on going away for a while and I was just trying to time it right with school and work etc, so booked quite last minute. She had said Dubai would be good, and picked a nice resort hotel after we looked together, which I agreed would be a nice break for us as a family and hence why I booked it.

My personal hobby in life is golf, I play to a decent level and like playing nice courses when I can, without it being too unreasonable and inconsiderate to our family life.

I had mentioned a few times that if we went back to Dubai (went 4 years ago), I would like to play golf once during our trip.. this was usually met with the “we’ll see” “depends on timing” etc, like I am asking for permission. Well after I had booked I said that I would quite like to play golf, and it just so happened that our trip overlaps by 4 days with one of our close friend couples (with kids too) from home (I knew we were going to overlap before I booked but coincidence that they happened to be going at similar time).

I have made the suggestion to my wife that on one of the afternoons that we overlap with our friends, me and the other bloke go and play golf, leaving the wives and children all together somewhere to enjoy each others company etc.. well this has been met with a firm no from my wife, with absolutely no compromise or consideration towards my request, which has actually really annoyed me. She has made it clear that she wants the whole 12 day holiday to be family time together and thinks it’s unreasonable for me to go and play golf with my friend on one afternoon, even if it means she gets to spend time with her friend (who was one of her bridesmaids so a pretty close friend).

I have said that I’m more than happy for her to go and do something for her in return, like a spa morning or similar, but she says she doesn’t want to do that and just wants to spend the whole time as a family. Whilst I fully appreciate that, I do not think it makes me a bad person for wanting to do something for me on our holiday, especially considering all of the background to our relationship that I presented above.

What should I do? I really don’t want to back down for the principle of not being in a controlling relationship, and because I really do not think my request is unreasonable or inconsiderate to her or our children when considering the whole situation/scenario at play.

Thanks in advance

The problem here isn't the playing golf for the afternoon on holiday day. It's the tone of your post which smacks of misogynism. You expect her to be grateful for you being the main breadwinner, especially because her earnings took a dive due to her taking maternity leave? Then you regularly play golf and go on golfing holidays. Then you suggest that you do the same in Dubai and leave her to enjoy the company of her friends whilst looking after your kids? If it's such a pleasure, why don't you take them to play golf with you? Are you constantly grateful to her for compromising her career and earnings in order to have children with you? Have you considered how much it would cost you to pay for all the free childcare that you get when you go and play golf? This is not just about a half day playing golf on a family holiday with your mate. This is about her having enough of you reminding her that you are the main earner and undermining the importance of her role.

What happens on the day you are not playing golf each weekend? When my kids were that age our priority was catching up on sleep at the weekend so we'd each have a long lie one of the mornings. If you're not getting up with the kids the morning that you are not golfing and she's having to do two early morning shifts then I can see why she would resent your hobby and would want you to give it a break on holiday.

Yes we had a week long holiday last year where I played 3 rounds of golf with friends. I wanted to take my golf friends on a trip but my wife was against me doing that so I suggested that all of the families tag along. We did not take a family holiday and turn it into a golf holiday, we took what was originally planned as a golf trip and tried to combine the 2 because I wasn’t allowed a separate trip for golf…

Are you seriously trying to suggest it was unreasonable for your wife to object to a week long golfing trip at a point when she was either heavily pregnant or had a very small baby plus two other young children to look after? Did it at any point occur to you that it was really selfish even to make the suggestion?

Also, all this making memories and quality time makes me shudder. Life is a gift, children are a blessing and having love in your life makes ever day worthwhile

Seems a little ridiculous to take our argument from offline to online but as my wife has decided to put her pov in to “swing the vote” her way, let me clarify some of the points from her post;

Errm - who was it who brought the argument online in the first place, OP?

One of the kids is under 1. Kids clubs don’t normally stretch to meal times.

OP be a partner not another child. The golf courses will still be there in 5 or 10 years time.

Or should she be bowing and scraping to express her gratitude?

Does your wife get a week long holiday with her friends? I bet not.

The current plan doesn't sound workable either going to the other hotel or mum being stuck at the resort with 3 kids to entertain

Couldn't you reach a compromise e.g. dubai probably has some fantastic child friendly days out like aquariums/zoos etc, so maybe all meet there then the 2 men go off and play golf (half a day only) whilst the mums do the fun activity with the kids. And on another day if there's something the mums would like to do, then the roles reverse and dads do daycare. In fact maybe the mums should get their day first to guarantee it happens.

But really OP you do have yourself to blame here after Cornwall - one day to do your own thing on a family holiday is enough, 3 days is taking the piss

There’s “no guarantee of a future” - do you mean that you’re worried one day you might regret not playing a round of golf?

When you combined the trip last year you didn’t arrange a separate pure family one did you? If not you cannot say the original golf trip was converted to family one since it wasn’t a pure family one and you didn’t arrange a family one either.
you also cannot say she can do whatever she wants as spending the whole day with three kids next to pool is not something anyone can enjoy on their own.
OP, my DH is a golfer, he plays golf at least once a week throughout a year. Our kids are grown up so I don’t mind however when we go on holiday golf is out of question. Yes similar to you he talks about beautiful courses whereever we go but the holiday is for us and I don’t want to spend even half a day on my own. I am absolutely happy for him to go on golfing trips with his friends which he does. Obviously with three small kids it is different so you have to wait about 5 years and then arrange golfing trips for yourself and family holidays with your family. Until then I am with your wife 100%. You wanted certainty of golf on regular basis, then you should t have become dad to three small children.

I just don’t understand why DP doesn’t understand why being dumped onto another wife to be able to manage 3 young children on holiday is something that feels like work and nothing like relaxing together with the children on a family holiday. Particularly having to manage and travel to another hotel.

There is no equivalence to the golfing trip for the wife being able to go off on her own ..as she says she doesn’t want performative alone time …she wants a FAMILY HOLIDAY

It’s not about the golf which is why it took you 47 paragraphs to say not much at all

the “putting it off until future” part doesn’t sit well with me because there’s no guarantee of future.

So, God forbid, but suppose you were told in three years' time that you had six months to live. Which would you regret more, that you hadn't spent more time over the last few years playing golf, or that you hadn't spent more time with your children?

I think you should do three things:

1. Grow a pair (respectfully)
2. Pick up your clubs
3. Go and play golf

Like fuck would I pay for a holiday and not do what I wanted on it. Your DW is frankly taking the piss. And yes I am a wife, whose husband plays (a lot of) golf.

He wants to play golf for one afternoon of a 10-day holiday. Anyone who thinks this is unreasonable needs to have a word with themselves.

Looking back on the Wife's previous posting there is a lot more to this than the husband playing a game of Golf. I think maybe posting on this forum using her original name which he can easily search for was a big mistake. If the marriage wasn't in trouble before it sure as hell is now!

My objection would be trying to wrangle 3 kids around a pool by myself. If I have the 9month old I need someone to help with the other two. That would stress me. Is the girlfriend of your friend offering to spend the day with your wife or can you arrange childcare to assist. I wouldn’t want to cope with 3 at that age in that environment by myself.

I usually am the first person to stick up for the woman, but if everything that you’re saying is true I think you need to grow a spine and stand up for yourself and say ‘I will’ and not constantly ask for permission. If a man was acting like this to a woman I would find it incredibly controlling. I think you sound like you’re scared of your wife to be honest, which is never great!

@loopylou3030or how about the wife is posting and pretending to be the husband to see how we should react? All sounds a bit suspect to me!

I can't imagine he is that smart if her previous posts are anything to go by! 😩

Yes, I do still think YABU.
Sorry, but it's a request for ONE afternoon in 12 days to play golf in Dubai, home to some of the best golf courses in the WORLD. It would literally be a once in a lifetime opportunity.
And whether it's golf or otherwise, I can't imagine telling my husband - a grown man with his own wants and needs - that he's not ALLOWED to do something. It's frankly laughable.

Well this husband sure has his own wants and needs covered already with his golfing and gambling addictions.

I’ve changed my mind after seeing the other side of the story from the wife and her previous posts.
OP is very unreasonable (and sly and selfish)

@MyDandyUmberDuck there is absolutely no way she can go to the pool on her own with children that age. The ratio is unsafe. Even if it is permitted (not sure about Dubai but in many countries it would not be and they would be asked to leave). So she is basically going to be in a hotel with a pool that she cannot use and 2 kids old enough to see the pool but not fully understand why they cannot use it and a baby. It sounds utterly miserable.

Can you blame her for not being happy as being put in that position? Let alone the back story of his manipulations on other holidays and on this one to prioritise golf over all else.

And for the people who say it's only a few hours, its really not. It will be at least 5.

Is he still gambling as well @DisneyBaby? He has really put you through a lot over the past few years.