Uncompromising holiday disagreement

[MalePoster]

I would like some advice and opinions please, either way - I understand this is generally a place for women to post but I’m struggling to find somewhere that men can ask for similar advice.

Some context and background - I have been with my wife for 15 years, married for nearly 9. We have 3 children, 6 yo, 3 yo and 9 months. For as long as I can remember I have covered all of our bills and outgoings (at least since we started having children) and any income my wife has had over that period has been seen as disposable income, paying for holidays etc.. she is self employed so unfortunately this decreases a little when she is on maternity, such as in the past 9 months.. luckily I have been in position financially to be able to provide a decent lifestyle for us as a family, and I do not see being the breadwinner or the sole earner as a problem, however I do see very little gratitude to this fact from my wife as any time I mention money she thinks I’m holding it against her that I am the sole provider financially. I feel like in our lives, I do not make many demands as a husband, and I’m always more than happy to go on the holidays my wife wants and do activities that she wants us to do. She has been keen on buying a campervan for quite a few years and I’ve even come round to the idea and said I would put my Dads inheritance towards buying the campervan (Dad sadly passed last year).

I have recently booked a luxurious 12 day holiday for us as a family to go Dubai. My wife has been keen on going away for a while and I was just trying to time it right with school and work etc, so booked quite last minute. She had said Dubai would be good, and picked a nice resort hotel after we looked together, which I agreed would be a nice break for us as a family and hence why I booked it.

My personal hobby in life is golf, I play to a decent level and like playing nice courses when I can, without it being too unreasonable and inconsiderate to our family life.

I had mentioned a few times that if we went back to Dubai (went 4 years ago), I would like to play golf once during our trip.. this was usually met with the “we’ll see” “depends on timing” etc, like I am asking for permission. Well after I had booked I said that I would quite like to play golf, and it just so happened that our trip overlaps by 4 days with one of our close friend couples (with kids too) from home (I knew we were going to overlap before I booked but coincidence that they happened to be going at similar time).

I have made the suggestion to my wife that on one of the afternoons that we overlap with our friends, me and the other bloke go and play golf, leaving the wives and children all together somewhere to enjoy each others company etc.. well this has been met with a firm no from my wife, with absolutely no compromise or consideration towards my request, which has actually really annoyed me. She has made it clear that she wants the whole 12 day holiday to be family time together and thinks it’s unreasonable for me to go and play golf with my friend on one afternoon, even if it means she gets to spend time with her friend (who was one of her bridesmaids so a pretty close friend).

I have said that I’m more than happy for her to go and do something for her in return, like a spa morning or similar, but she says she doesn’t want to do that and just wants to spend the whole time as a family. Whilst I fully appreciate that, I do not think it makes me a bad person for wanting to do something for me on our holiday, especially considering all of the background to our relationship that I presented above.

What should I do? I really don’t want to back down for the principle of not being in a controlling relationship, and because I really do not think my request is unreasonable or inconsiderate to her or our children when considering the whole situation/scenario at play.

Thanks in advance

I get this! I wouldn't be able to pass up the opportunity. I appreciate that your children are perhaps younger but we all get to choose a day on holiday (within reason of course).

This has nothing to do with who earns the money. Maintaining individual interests and relationships outside of a relationship is important for wellbeing. She is being controlling. It’s very normal for adults to want to do something by themselves on a holiday, you’ve given her plenty of warning and the opportunity to take her own time out. I think counselling is required here.

What has your wife to be grateful for? She does the majority of childcare (and presumably domestics) plus is self-employed and contributes her salary. You just go out to work and come home.
You've got a good deal and should start appreciating what your wife is contributing to your marriage.
As to the golf, fine, if she gets a spa day as well - pre-book that so it doesn't get forgotten.
And when you get back open a joint bank account into which all money goes and which pays all bills and spending money, clothes ect without question about what your wife spends. And then shut up about being the breadwinner - you wouldn't be doing much bread-winning if your wife decided to leave you with the DC, I assure you. Child care is extorionate.

OP, I'm not sure what the issue is with your DW. Whilst on holiday, I often looked after the kids whilst my Ex went to the gym/fast walks. And he watched the kids if I wanted to undertake photography, paint/have a long bath/nap

We also did things together as a family.

It's a holiday so meant to reset everyone, each according to their needs. That way, both adults get time off, and kids get lovely one to one with each parent plus time together.

I cannot imagine being in any relationship where undertaking something really important to my mental health/wellbeing was dismissed as selfish. Golf is clearly your passion, and as long as you are supportive of her needing free time too, I'm not understanding why this is an issue.

Can you try and find out what the real issue is? Maybe she feels you don't pull your weight or is resentful of your hobby because she doesn't have one?

you can only ask her to explain .. is she worried one day will turn into two, does she not believe your plans?

Out of 12 days, it is fine to have a day away from family. I’d be excited for my Dh it gave home chance to do something special. And I’d be happy to take up the offer of a spa day!

We know by their responses whether they're genuinely seeking advice or validation. You double down with your responses. Absolutely not one iota of consideration that you might be in the wrong. Every response. Ergo validation.

We see this with some female posters too. They get the same feedback. But even that whataboutery response is indicative of inflexibility.

Ex!

OK, on the face of it, initially, I thought you YWNBU. However, now you're saying you tried to amalgamate a golf and family holiday previously. She is probably pretty pissed off that you played golf three times in a week on a previous holiday, and thinks this may well creep into being that too. As someone who grew up with my dad's wants and needs being more important than anyone else's, I don't have the memories with him, that we have with our mum. I have a pretty poor relationship with him, actually. So, make of that what you will...

Just tell her your going and that's it🤷🏻‍♀️

Holidaying in Dubai immediately shows YTA. What attracts you to that misogynist culture and well known people/slave trading place?

She was against the trip because you had a TWO MONTH OLD BABY AND TWO OTHER YOUNG CHILDREN AND YOU WERE GOING TO FUCK OFF GOLFING FOR A WEEK YOU SELFISH ENTITLED UP YOUR OWN ASS FUCKER.

Did you read the backstory that he planned a week long golf trip for when he had a 2 month old baby, and 2 other young children, his wife cracked it so he said her and the other families come along and they can keep each other happy while the dads play golf? Some family holiday. So now he’s sneakily booked another holiday somewhere where he can go off with a friend to play golf, they have an 8 or 9 month now and a 3 and 6yo, I’m not surprised she’s flipped her absolute lid.

I voted not unreasonable but I have changed my mind.

My husband is a very keen golfer but, at the same time I became I Mother (and turned my life upside down to be the best parent I could for our children) he became a Father. His focus swivelled entirely onto our children. When the children were small he virtually never played golf. There just wasn’t space for it - family life was too all-encompassing. He supported me, I supported him and we worked as a team.

I didn’t have to nag him not to play because he didn’t want to. Which meant that if he ever did arrange it, I was totally fine with it.

As the children got older he gradually reintroduced golf.

You are not prioritising your role as a father.

And all that financial stuff should be irrelevant. You should be a team.

I’d say yes absolutely go and play golf. It’s only one afternoon. Loads of us women on here that struggle with husbands that don’t/won’t pay, gamble, cheat etc would be very happy with a husband like you.

Someone’s tired!

I would have no issue with this, but then I’m a grown up who recognizes the importance of free time away from responsibility and that freedom is enough to bring back a happier refreshed partner!

Don’t we all long for the same? (Not golf obviously!) But that feeling of being free again?

A few hours isn’t much to ask!

Also if she feels they should be having at least a day of family time per week that limits her possible "me time" slots yet further. And if during "family time" she is the default parent or at least still carrying a lot of parenting load as they have three young kids, that is 7 days a week straight.

i don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. A day of golf isn’t something I could get upset about.

If I was the wife, I would be a little annoyed that ‘coincidentally’ the family friends would be there at the same time.

I don't see the relevance of what you earn and what she does, unless you think that it means there is some sort of status?

I don't think that there is an issue with you playing golf with your friend one day, but the way you worded it 'thinks it’s unreasonable for me to go and play golf with my friend on one afternoon, even if it means she gets to spend time with her friend' and 'I have made the suggestion to my wife that on one of the afternoons that we overlap with our friends, me and the other bloke go and play golf, leaving the wives and children all together somewhere to enjoy each others company etc..'

You've lumped wives and children together, like they are her sole responsibility. And that she can enjoy the time with her friend, but they have to also look after the children.

If you took an afternoon away with your friend, child free, then she should get an afternoon away with her friend, childfree. Currently her situation is time with her friend (but the children are going to be there too, OBVIOUSLY). Which is not fair.

Not gonna beat on you about it my husband has done same but with a different hobby.

The 1 break each ( assuming a few hours ) each sounds fair and reasonable.

What could possibly be going on is she thinks you've set this up with other bloke and 1 session will turn into multiple. I would suggest trying to set it for the last full overlapping day or something , see if she responds better ?

From your post it looks like you have form for a holiday turning into a golfing trip an I can see why she has said no now. You need to prioritise your young family and then when they aren’t as small, I am sure she won’t care. I can see her pov and I too would be the same.

It wouldn't upset you in a generally well working relationship.

As we learned, the OP has a form for trying to amalgamate family and golfing holidays, including playing three days in a weeklong holiday some 7 months ago, not talking about playing every weekend for years.
In this case he 1)met his golfing friend 2)adjusted dates of their holidays 3)found out that there is now, totally randomly, an overlap with the friend's stay.

I wouldn't believe him to not arrange more than one golf, he is repeatedly showing that golf goes before his family for him.

I must say, if I were your wife I would be deeply unconvinced by your claim to have "coincidentally" booked to be in the same golfing resort at the the same time as your golfing mate.

Why do you assume she would like to spend a day of her holiday with your friend's wife rather than with you? It still leaves her fully responsible for the children, especially the baby. I do think that on a family holiday, especially with young children, you need to be spending quality time with your family.

So, if she has anxiety and will struggle being without you in a patriarchal Middle Eastern culture unlike her own then so think it’s fine you play golf.
Honestly wouldn’t want 12 days of unmitigated anyone so I’d be booking you a caddy 🤣.
If she digs her heals in I think I would be tempted just to book a short golf holiday so at least you get to enjoy yourself