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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Uncompromising holiday disagreement

797 replies

MalePoster · 06/02/2026 19:15

I would like some advice and opinions please, either way - I understand this is generally a place for women to post but I’m struggling to find somewhere that men can ask for similar advice.

Some context and background - I have been with my wife for 15 years, married for nearly 9. We have 3 children, 6 yo, 3 yo and 9 months. For as long as I can remember I have covered all of our bills and outgoings (at least since we started having children) and any income my wife has had over that period has been seen as disposable income, paying for holidays etc.. she is self employed so unfortunately this decreases a little when she is on maternity, such as in the past 9 months.. luckily I have been in position financially to be able to provide a decent lifestyle for us as a family, and I do not see being the breadwinner or the sole earner as a problem, however I do see very little gratitude to this fact from my wife as any time I mention money she thinks I’m holding it against her that I am the sole provider financially. I feel like in our lives, I do not make many demands as a husband, and I’m always more than happy to go on the holidays my wife wants and do activities that she wants us to do. She has been keen on buying a campervan for quite a few years and I’ve even come round to the idea and said I would put my Dads inheritance towards buying the campervan (Dad sadly passed last year).

I have recently booked a luxurious 12 day holiday for us as a family to go Dubai. My wife has been keen on going away for a while and I was just trying to time it right with school and work etc, so booked quite last minute. She had said Dubai would be good, and picked a nice resort hotel after we looked together, which I agreed would be a nice break for us as a family and hence why I booked it.

My personal hobby in life is golf, I play to a decent level and like playing nice courses when I can, without it being too unreasonable and inconsiderate to our family life.

I had mentioned a few times that if we went back to Dubai (went 4 years ago), I would like to play golf once during our trip.. this was usually met with the “we’ll see” “depends on timing” etc, like I am asking for permission. Well after I had booked I said that I would quite like to play golf, and it just so happened that our trip overlaps by 4 days with one of our close friend couples (with kids too) from home (I knew we were going to overlap before I booked but coincidence that they happened to be going at similar time).

I have made the suggestion to my wife that on one of the afternoons that we overlap with our friends, me and the other bloke go and play golf, leaving the wives and children all together somewhere to enjoy each others company etc.. well this has been met with a firm no from my wife, with absolutely no compromise or consideration towards my request, which has actually really annoyed me. She has made it clear that she wants the whole 12 day holiday to be family time together and thinks it’s unreasonable for me to go and play golf with my friend on one afternoon, even if it means she gets to spend time with her friend (who was one of her bridesmaids so a pretty close friend).

I have said that I’m more than happy for her to go and do something for her in return, like a spa morning or similar, but she says she doesn’t want to do that and just wants to spend the whole time as a family. Whilst I fully appreciate that, I do not think it makes me a bad person for wanting to do something for me on our holiday, especially considering all of the background to our relationship that I presented above.

What should I do? I really don’t want to back down for the principle of not being in a controlling relationship, and because I really do not think my request is unreasonable or inconsiderate to her or our children when considering the whole situation/scenario at play.

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Supporting2026 · 07/02/2026 19:57

MalePoster · 07/02/2026 14:14

Seems a little ridiculous to take our argument from offline to online but as my wife has decided to put her pov in to “swing the vote” her way, let me clarify some of the points from her post;

  1. Yes we had a week long holiday last year where I played 3 rounds of golf with friends. I wanted to take my golf friends on a trip but my wife was against me doing that so I suggested that all of the families tag along. We did not take a family holiday and turn it into a golf holiday, we took what was originally planned as a golf trip and tried to combine the 2 because I wasn’t allowed a separate trip for golf…
  2. We were always looking at going to Dubai for this trip from my OP. Canaries was floated as a cheaper alternative if we couldn’t work Dubai out. The dates moved slightly so that I could book reward flights using avios points and a companion voucher, as there were no reward flights available on other dates. This has meant we also now get to fly home business class, something we’ve not done before, but also something my wife has now moaned about because I’ve used more points (there weren’t any economy reward flights available).
  3. I am not making her do anything in return. She doesn’t have to meet up with her friend if I go off, it was merely a suggestion. I am happy for her to have half a day off for herself doing whatever she’d like, but as you can see she doesn’t want to do that.
  4. the “putting it off until future” part doesn’t sit well with me because there’s no guarantee of future.

You’ve literally not listened to any of the points that disagree with you or taken them onboard. Lots of us before your wife pointed this out made the point that 3 kids of this age by themselves with one adult is not even very safe in a random hotel - have you thought to address this. In general, it’s clear you don’t understand that once you have kids it’s fine to have a hobby but that you have to be reasonable with the amount of time you dedicate to it - your current level of commitment to golf on an overall basis is not reasonable - if it was I imagine your wife would be more susceptible to the “this is a special occasion” argument. Also, if you can’t understand why when the kids are a few years older it will be infinitely easier for you to take the time for golf it means you haven’t been paying much attention to what it’s like to parent three kids of this age.

Farmwifefarmlife · 07/02/2026 19:58

Unfortunately you’ve come to the wrong place to ask! If the roles were reversed you’d have completely different answers! I don’t think you are being unreasonable, the courses in Dubai are famous and I completely understand why in 12 days you’d like an afternoon to golf. I think your wife is being extremely unreasonable just saying “no”, comes across as controlling.

ForeverTheOptomist · 07/02/2026 20:03

nocoolnamesleft · 07/02/2026 19:19

What you're basically doing is telling your wife that, to you, golf time is more important, valuable, and rewarding than time with her and your children. Can you see why that would hurt?

Blx

ShiftingSand · 07/02/2026 20:03

One afternoon playing golf sounds very reasonable to me and you sound like a good husband tbf

ReadingSoManyThreads · 07/02/2026 20:05

MalePoster · 07/02/2026 14:14

Seems a little ridiculous to take our argument from offline to online but as my wife has decided to put her pov in to “swing the vote” her way, let me clarify some of the points from her post;

  1. Yes we had a week long holiday last year where I played 3 rounds of golf with friends. I wanted to take my golf friends on a trip but my wife was against me doing that so I suggested that all of the families tag along. We did not take a family holiday and turn it into a golf holiday, we took what was originally planned as a golf trip and tried to combine the 2 because I wasn’t allowed a separate trip for golf…
  2. We were always looking at going to Dubai for this trip from my OP. Canaries was floated as a cheaper alternative if we couldn’t work Dubai out. The dates moved slightly so that I could book reward flights using avios points and a companion voucher, as there were no reward flights available on other dates. This has meant we also now get to fly home business class, something we’ve not done before, but also something my wife has now moaned about because I’ve used more points (there weren’t any economy reward flights available).
  3. I am not making her do anything in return. She doesn’t have to meet up with her friend if I go off, it was merely a suggestion. I am happy for her to have half a day off for herself doing whatever she’d like, but as you can see she doesn’t want to do that.
  4. the “putting it off until future” part doesn’t sit well with me because there’s no guarantee of future.

You really don't listen, do you? You are so entitled and arrogant.

I had the measure of you from your opening post, and I'm glad your wife found the thread and got her side across, pretty much confirming what I thought were the unsaid issues.

You don't listen, you don't care, you do you, and you don't give a fuck about your wife.

I hope she divorces you, you don't deserve her.

ETA you also loved pointing out that you were the breadwinner, but conveniently forgot to mention your gambling addiction. You sound like a really shit husband and father.

AnOn2909 · 07/02/2026 20:05

Well it’s pretty clear from yours and your wives posts that this holiday is going to be awful now whatever you decide between you to do. It the youngest kid was 3-4 & out of nappies then no issue clearing off for half a day to play golf but leaving your missus with 3 kids one of whom is under 1 isn’t a great look. You need to do some grovelling tonight mate. Sorry your wife is right on this occasion. I get that it could be once in a lifetime opportunity but that’s tough, should have booked somewhere where there wasn’t luxury golf courses to play.

Middlemarch123 · 07/02/2026 20:06

Well I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.
But. I do have an issue with couples who feel that children are a burden, and time with them is a sacrifice. No one forced you and your wife to have children. Part of being a parent is seeing them as a blessing, not something that you negotiate like a business deal. They are your and your wife’s priority. They should be, anyway.
Yes, of course you can have an afternoon off. As can your wife. But it should be seen as a break for you, not an escape from parenthood. Those kids didn’t ask to be born, you both made a conscious decision to have them. They come first.

MikeRafone · 07/02/2026 20:10

the “putting it off until future” part doesn’t sit well with me because there’s no guarantee of future

Well you made the choice to have 3 children, if you'd stopped at one life may have been very much different and you wouldn't have to wait so long. Your wife wouldn't be hearing cats through the time whilst you're off playing golf and resentful.

It is fairly visible that golf and your wishes are first and foremost, what you want matters and you seem prepared to lose family time over this. Taking a golfing holiday and making it a family holiday so that you don't miss out on going on a solo golfing holiday, sound rather self absorbed.

Willowywisp · 07/02/2026 20:13

So she's to look after 3 kids, including a baby, whilst you piss off and have fun leisure time to yourself? Yep, YABU. I bet she carries most of the mental load at home and the majority of all the childcare when you aren't at work as well as when you are. All that waffle about campervans makes it sound like you keep an itemised total in your head about what you think she owes you financially. Maybe you 2 should swap roles. See how well you get on being the one to be home with the kids whilst she brings in all the money and does little else. Bet you wouldn't last a week in her shoes. Have a family holiday and forget about your selfish wants for 12 days. I also think YABU for going to Dubai in the first place, but that's a moral point.

gardenflowergirl · 07/02/2026 20:19

Go play golf with your friend. Your wife doesn't get to make all the decisions on holiday, tell her she's becoming too controlling and not considering your happiness and time to relax with friends, and that's not attractive.

123123again · 07/02/2026 20:26

@gardenflowergirl @Farmwifefarmlife

Its fine to come late to the party but remember that we have been here all day and things have moved on.

ThatCyanCat · 07/02/2026 20:39

I've just realised what's going on.

Ba ha ha ha!!!

Islandgirl68 · 07/02/2026 20:40

@MalePoster in my opinion, your wife is not being fair. You don't need to be joined at the hip for 12 days. One afternoon to yourself is completely rreasonable. You both work hard no matter what money is brought in by you both, and both deserve down time. Your wife as you said could then go off and do something too. It's also good for the kids to have one on one with a parent. Good luck getting to play a round of golf.

Doubletroubledoubled · 07/02/2026 20:42

Having read what you’ve both said I’ve come to the conclusion that whatever decision is reached about the golf this is a holiday neither of you are now going to enjoy. The fact that you’ve both chosen to seek advice from the nest of vipers that is mumsnet seems very odd to me. Did you discuss it beforehand and if so did you agree that you would go with the majority of views expressed.
I did ‘side’ with you on your wife’s thread - half a days golf is not unreasonable but on reflection swopping the holiday dates without any discussion when you got wind of when your friend would be there wasn’t your best move, and raises suspicion that you’ll be pushing to spend as much time as you can with him.
I’m glad I’m not your wife as this type of family holiday wouldn’t be my choice at all and all the more so with the disharmony it’s caused.

Lifealwaysgetsbetter · 07/02/2026 20:43

ReadingSoManyThreads · 07/02/2026 20:05

You really don't listen, do you? You are so entitled and arrogant.

I had the measure of you from your opening post, and I'm glad your wife found the thread and got her side across, pretty much confirming what I thought were the unsaid issues.

You don't listen, you don't care, you do you, and you don't give a fuck about your wife.

I hope she divorces you, you don't deserve her.

ETA you also loved pointing out that you were the breadwinner, but conveniently forgot to mention your gambling addiction. You sound like a really shit husband and father.

Edited
Show quote history

This is a toxic relationship we’ve wandered into. She was going to leave him but wanted 3 or 4 kids close together.. so she’s got what she wanted. And now wants more. Her original plan was to leave him once she had the kids so perhaps they should just split up as neither are happy.

saraclara · 07/02/2026 20:45

AreYouBrandNew · 07/02/2026 19:53

Your wife doesn’t like the golf. You are probably gone for hours especially when playing once a week especially.

how many hobby hours does she have on a weekly basis?

She's already said that she doesn't want a hobby. That the children are her only interest.

Lifealwaysgetsbetter · 07/02/2026 20:46

Doubletroubledoubled · 07/02/2026 20:42

Having read what you’ve both said I’ve come to the conclusion that whatever decision is reached about the golf this is a holiday neither of you are now going to enjoy. The fact that you’ve both chosen to seek advice from the nest of vipers that is mumsnet seems very odd to me. Did you discuss it beforehand and if so did you agree that you would go with the majority of views expressed.
I did ‘side’ with you on your wife’s thread - half a days golf is not unreasonable but on reflection swopping the holiday dates without any discussion when you got wind of when your friend would be there wasn’t your best move, and raises suspicion that you’ll be pushing to spend as much time as you can with him.
I’m glad I’m not your wife as this type of family holiday wouldn’t be my choice at all and all the more so with the disharmony it’s caused.

Search his wife @DisneyBaby - you’ll see her old posts about his gambling addiction and how she was going to leave but decided she wanted 3 or 4 kids close together..

5128gap · 07/02/2026 20:51

She's unreasonable not to let you have one afternoon in 12 days, given she has the same offer from you. You are unreasonable to include all this business about you being a great provider, as its completely irrelevant to the issue at hand.

Iris2020 · 07/02/2026 20:54

MalePoster · 07/02/2026 14:14

Seems a little ridiculous to take our argument from offline to online but as my wife has decided to put her pov in to “swing the vote” her way, let me clarify some of the points from her post;

  1. Yes we had a week long holiday last year where I played 3 rounds of golf with friends. I wanted to take my golf friends on a trip but my wife was against me doing that so I suggested that all of the families tag along. We did not take a family holiday and turn it into a golf holiday, we took what was originally planned as a golf trip and tried to combine the 2 because I wasn’t allowed a separate trip for golf…
  2. We were always looking at going to Dubai for this trip from my OP. Canaries was floated as a cheaper alternative if we couldn’t work Dubai out. The dates moved slightly so that I could book reward flights using avios points and a companion voucher, as there were no reward flights available on other dates. This has meant we also now get to fly home business class, something we’ve not done before, but also something my wife has now moaned about because I’ve used more points (there weren’t any economy reward flights available).
  3. I am not making her do anything in return. She doesn’t have to meet up with her friend if I go off, it was merely a suggestion. I am happy for her to have half a day off for herself doing whatever she’d like, but as you can see she doesn’t want to do that.
  4. the “putting it off until future” part doesn’t sit well with me because there’s no guarantee of future.

A few thoughts:

  • when you have 3 young kids, you do not get half days off to do anything on a regular basis. It sounds like you play golf once a week, no wonder your wife is at her wits end.
You chose to have kids. Stop playing golf yesterday. It's selfish in the extreme to think you are owed this. Golf is also expensive, unless you are very wealthy, devoting so much money to your personal hobby is not ok.
  • your wife also has issues. It is bizarre not to ever want time off and she is refusing your offers of child free time. Most mothers would jump at this. Her obsession with the family being all together all the time is weird and must be a bit tiring for you.
ThatCyanCat · 07/02/2026 20:55

Lifealwaysgetsbetter · 07/02/2026 20:46

Search his wife @DisneyBaby - you’ll see her old posts about his gambling addiction and how she was going to leave but decided she wanted 3 or 4 kids close together..

Show quote history

I think she's deregged, she's not coming up in searches.

Queenieoh · 07/02/2026 20:58

Your sister sounds like a treat.

Beachtastic · 07/02/2026 21:09

user1485851222 · 07/02/2026 17:45

Go play golf, it's one afternoon, if she wants spa day, great, if she doesn't it's up to her. You don't have to spend every waking hour together on holiday. My DH goes to the gym most days on holiday for a hour or two, with no issues.

Yes. I just can't understand the drama about this. Nor the constant scolding and belittling of OP, on this thread, for explaining his contributions to family life, financial and otherwise. MN at its worst.

CotswoldsCamilla · 07/02/2026 21:11

Your wife is being entirely unreasonable. A game of golf on a 12 day holiday is perfectly reasonable. Are there no kids clubs? Kids in the kids club, she can have a massage or lie on a sun lounger for a few hours.

Not that you’ve asked, but I do think 25% of every weekend playing golf is a bit unreasonable, when she has 3 kids at home. Sounds tiring for her. Every second weekend or 3 in 4 would be more reasonable.

Pebbles16 · 07/02/2026 21:13

Laura95167 · 07/02/2026 15:05

The trip is 12 days he wants to spend one of those days golfing

Show quote history

I absolutely agree with this.
I saw the wife's post this morning and I cannot agree that she is being hard done by. Thought that it is highly likely that the OP could throw money at the situation and get a hotel nanny.
The wife seems to resent her husband enjoying a unique experience (golf is not my thing, nor is Dubai: but it is theirs - let's not forget the wife chose the destination).
Unfortunately @MalePoster I think there are bigger problems in your relationship

MsDitsy · 07/02/2026 21:42

MalePoster · 06/02/2026 19:15

I would like some advice and opinions please, either way - I understand this is generally a place for women to post but I’m struggling to find somewhere that men can ask for similar advice.

Some context and background - I have been with my wife for 15 years, married for nearly 9. We have 3 children, 6 yo, 3 yo and 9 months. For as long as I can remember I have covered all of our bills and outgoings (at least since we started having children) and any income my wife has had over that period has been seen as disposable income, paying for holidays etc.. she is self employed so unfortunately this decreases a little when she is on maternity, such as in the past 9 months.. luckily I have been in position financially to be able to provide a decent lifestyle for us as a family, and I do not see being the breadwinner or the sole earner as a problem, however I do see very little gratitude to this fact from my wife as any time I mention money she thinks I’m holding it against her that I am the sole provider financially. I feel like in our lives, I do not make many demands as a husband, and I’m always more than happy to go on the holidays my wife wants and do activities that she wants us to do. She has been keen on buying a campervan for quite a few years and I’ve even come round to the idea and said I would put my Dads inheritance towards buying the campervan (Dad sadly passed last year).

I have recently booked a luxurious 12 day holiday for us as a family to go Dubai. My wife has been keen on going away for a while and I was just trying to time it right with school and work etc, so booked quite last minute. She had said Dubai would be good, and picked a nice resort hotel after we looked together, which I agreed would be a nice break for us as a family and hence why I booked it.

My personal hobby in life is golf, I play to a decent level and like playing nice courses when I can, without it being too unreasonable and inconsiderate to our family life.

I had mentioned a few times that if we went back to Dubai (went 4 years ago), I would like to play golf once during our trip.. this was usually met with the “we’ll see” “depends on timing” etc, like I am asking for permission. Well after I had booked I said that I would quite like to play golf, and it just so happened that our trip overlaps by 4 days with one of our close friend couples (with kids too) from home (I knew we were going to overlap before I booked but coincidence that they happened to be going at similar time).

I have made the suggestion to my wife that on one of the afternoons that we overlap with our friends, me and the other bloke go and play golf, leaving the wives and children all together somewhere to enjoy each others company etc.. well this has been met with a firm no from my wife, with absolutely no compromise or consideration towards my request, which has actually really annoyed me. She has made it clear that she wants the whole 12 day holiday to be family time together and thinks it’s unreasonable for me to go and play golf with my friend on one afternoon, even if it means she gets to spend time with her friend (who was one of her bridesmaids so a pretty close friend).

I have said that I’m more than happy for her to go and do something for her in return, like a spa morning or similar, but she says she doesn’t want to do that and just wants to spend the whole time as a family. Whilst I fully appreciate that, I do not think it makes me a bad person for wanting to do something for me on our holiday, especially considering all of the background to our relationship that I presented above.

What should I do? I really don’t want to back down for the principle of not being in a controlling relationship, and because I really do not think my request is unreasonable or inconsiderate to her or our children when considering the whole situation/scenario at play.

Thanks in advance

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. It's healthy to be able to enjoy separate hobbies even on holiday and as long as you are having equal time to do this, then I can't see a problem. The only issue I do see is that you have suggested committing her to spending time with another family when she should have decided herself what she wants to do. Its maybe her time to truly unwind away from people she knows. Same with a spa morning or similar is that what she wants to do? Maybe she feels that you have planned what she has to do and is kicking back on that but again, I don't think it's unreasonable to want to take the chance to play on a world class course even if I think golf is a good walk spoiled.

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