Uncompromising holiday disagreement

[MalePoster]

I would like some advice and opinions please, either way - I understand this is generally a place for women to post but I’m struggling to find somewhere that men can ask for similar advice.

Some context and background - I have been with my wife for 15 years, married for nearly 9. We have 3 children, 6 yo, 3 yo and 9 months. For as long as I can remember I have covered all of our bills and outgoings (at least since we started having children) and any income my wife has had over that period has been seen as disposable income, paying for holidays etc.. she is self employed so unfortunately this decreases a little when she is on maternity, such as in the past 9 months.. luckily I have been in position financially to be able to provide a decent lifestyle for us as a family, and I do not see being the breadwinner or the sole earner as a problem, however I do see very little gratitude to this fact from my wife as any time I mention money she thinks I’m holding it against her that I am the sole provider financially. I feel like in our lives, I do not make many demands as a husband, and I’m always more than happy to go on the holidays my wife wants and do activities that she wants us to do. She has been keen on buying a campervan for quite a few years and I’ve even come round to the idea and said I would put my Dads inheritance towards buying the campervan (Dad sadly passed last year).

I have recently booked a luxurious 12 day holiday for us as a family to go Dubai. My wife has been keen on going away for a while and I was just trying to time it right with school and work etc, so booked quite last minute. She had said Dubai would be good, and picked a nice resort hotel after we looked together, which I agreed would be a nice break for us as a family and hence why I booked it.

My personal hobby in life is golf, I play to a decent level and like playing nice courses when I can, without it being too unreasonable and inconsiderate to our family life.

I had mentioned a few times that if we went back to Dubai (went 4 years ago), I would like to play golf once during our trip.. this was usually met with the “we’ll see” “depends on timing” etc, like I am asking for permission. Well after I had booked I said that I would quite like to play golf, and it just so happened that our trip overlaps by 4 days with one of our close friend couples (with kids too) from home (I knew we were going to overlap before I booked but coincidence that they happened to be going at similar time).

I have made the suggestion to my wife that on one of the afternoons that we overlap with our friends, me and the other bloke go and play golf, leaving the wives and children all together somewhere to enjoy each others company etc.. well this has been met with a firm no from my wife, with absolutely no compromise or consideration towards my request, which has actually really annoyed me. She has made it clear that she wants the whole 12 day holiday to be family time together and thinks it’s unreasonable for me to go and play golf with my friend on one afternoon, even if it means she gets to spend time with her friend (who was one of her bridesmaids so a pretty close friend).

I have said that I’m more than happy for her to go and do something for her in return, like a spa morning or similar, but she says she doesn’t want to do that and just wants to spend the whole time as a family. Whilst I fully appreciate that, I do not think it makes me a bad person for wanting to do something for me on our holiday, especially considering all of the background to our relationship that I presented above.

What should I do? I really don’t want to back down for the principle of not being in a controlling relationship, and because I really do not think my request is unreasonable or inconsiderate to her or our children when considering the whole situation/scenario at play.

Thanks in advance

The money issue is one thing and the hobby thing is another. I take issue with you describing yourself as the main breadwinner given your wife presumably does the bulk of childcare plus works as self employed. The only reason you are able to provide is because she does your share of childcare presumably? That means all income should be joint and you are being disingenuous in suggesting you providing financially means you call the shots whether on holidays or other things. If you come across like that to your wife I would be annoyed too.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable re the golf game if only one afternoon and providing your wife gets an equal amount of time for a spa session or whatever. So she is being a bit controlling there and I would take issue with that.

My issue is he’s sold it to DW as a family trip whilst telling us in his post it was a golf trip that became a family trip. He should have been upfront from the start about what he wanted to do. He should have told DW about the friends and the golf not just spring it on her after booking.

Are you sure that's really his wife? Why would the thread be pulled in this case?

From what the OP has written I think the wife is unreasonable. He doesn't play golf every week- and he asked for an afternoon free of 12 days. I'm a sahm and we both encourage each other to do things on our own because you need to breathe and that gives some solo dadtime with the kids as well which is good.

Blimey. Would love to be a fly on the wall in OPs house right now. Did the wife just come across this organically? Did OP show her? Christ.
Im Team Wife, OP just sounds a bit of a prick.

Well the OP seems to have acknowledged it IS his wife posting. So yes!! Thread has been reinstated as I understand it....

I didn't think you were being unreasonable to begin with. He's clearly engineered this whole situation with the aim of manipulating you into looking after all 3 children whilst he plays golf, and then come on Mumsnet when you rightly point out that being left alone with 3 small children in a foreign country is not a situation you are happy with.

I have read the wife’s update
and it does seem as if this holiday has been dreamt up to get a game of golf in no doubt not only annoying Ops wife but also the friends wife. Leaving them with 5 very young children is a lot and if they agree I would definitely make sure the husbands also have to do childcare on a different day.

I think having personal time on holiday is important as well as family time but if a previous holiday was spent revolving round golf I can see why @DisneyBabyis annoyed. Moving to the friends hotel when you have three children and she just has two seems annoying. If your friend comes with her kids and you both stay at your hotel is that feasible? Can you book any of them into kids club? Holidays with young children aren’t really holidays at all in my opinion especially if you are having to cope alone with them in a place which requires extra vigilance like near a pool and without the normal conveniences of home. Hope you both reach a suitable compromise but golf particularly seems a time consuming hobby.

Incidentally yes OP playing golf both days of the weekend in the summer when you have three young children is taking the piss

No, you're here because you don't like being told no and have come here so you can show your wife, "Look, everyone else's wife would let them!" Like a child saying, "Dave's Mum let's him stay up until 9pm, you're the worst Mum ever!" Conveniently forgetting that Dave isn't an utter arsehole for the entire next day if he's not asleep by 8:30.

You've already taken the piss with your golf hobby taking over family holidays and weekends and now your wife has had enough.

Don't be ridiculous, I clearly meant she does the majority of the childcare whilst her husband works full time, she's on her 3rd maternity leave and is putting raising their children above her own business. So she's clearly the primary career. I did NOT imply she's a single parent, that's just you being silly.

No. Husband and wife should be together always. Friends are on the periphery, not important.
hth

Good grief this thread is a car crash!

What a LOT going on!

Wife replying.

Wife's previous thread from 2021!

Is this real??!

@DisneyBaby But if he asks for one afternoon* *of the 12 days and he gives you one free afternoon in return then what's the problem? I would suffocate spending ALL time together non stop- it's good for both of you to get a breather. As long as he's offering the same time off to you I don't think he's unreasonable.

Having said that I think it's twattish behaviour to talk about being the breadwinner when you are on mat leave with 3 young children.

Because having an afternoon "off" doesn't compensate for a afternoon of pure stress which watching 3 kids, 2 of which are babies, by a pool in 40+ degree heat would be, for a start. Also because OP's wife is on her own 5.5 out of 7 days dealing with the children and sometimes all 7 depending on if he chooses to golf Saturday and Sunday, and she's entitled to expect 12 days a year when OP focuses on the 3 children he presumably wanted!

She's not on her own 5.5 days. He works from home, does school runs and various other child things. She only has the baby in the day during work days. And he's around before and after work and involved.

He doesn't play golf both days of the weekend. He's only playing for half a day every three weeks or so at the moment.

Your massively dramatising the half day that OP has the kids on her own on this holiday. She doesn't have to spend it by the pool, and the 3 year old isn't a baby.
Multiple posters have said that the hotel will almost certainly have a kids club.

Again, I think both parties are hard to like, but you misrepresenting the situation and over dramatising a morning looking after one's kids alone, is unreasonable.

Are you happy she’s just stayed with you for more children and was planning to leave as per her previous post. Now she’s complaining about not being able to cope!

Apologies - edited as I quoted the wrong person

I stopped reading at ‘I do see very little gratitude’ 🙄

@MalePoster uiu have had impartial advice, you have had different opinions and yet you are uncompromising in your belief that your desire to play golf in Dubai is both non negotiable and at the centre

the world doesn’t revolve around your needs and wants when you are a parent, it just doesn’t. Sacrifices and compromises have to be made

You are presenting is as I am playing golf on this day workaround it, just like I suspect you do all the decisions that your needs and wants as the breadwinner needs to be front and centre - that she is controlling because she isn’t allowing you to do something

that isn’t how it should work or how it works for us

if you said look it is really important to me to play golf here, I respect and understand I am asking a lot particularly after the last holiday and of course the family is my priority but can we discuss options for making it work

have you ever offered a spa to her and you and your friend take all 3 kids

you say you would ace it but have you tried

You are the one who took it online and badly, with all the talking about breadwinner and missing relevant pieces.

In a well working relationship there would be a way. But it sounds your relationship isn't a well working one, so maybe you should focus on that, not on forcing her to agree with your plan. (Which sounds to be your preferred "compromise").

How is your family time in general? Are you personally activate in planning family time? Have you made any plans for you and your family while in Dubai?
About her being able to take her personal time as well - I can't see how it would work in real work. You said, that outside of winter you are golfing one day every weekend. If you take one day from each weekend, and she took one day each weekend, when would you have some family time? And I don't mean half of the afternoon, but a proper day trip, or just having pancakes together in the morning?

Your golfing is forcing her to declare family time her personal hobby year around. That's not fair.
Now it sounds, that you booked family holidays - and immediately started planning your golfing. It looks very much that golfing is your first priority. Why should she like it?

Mumsnet loves calling people controlling. Mumsnet values personal independence.
Mumsnet projects themselves into threads a lot.
But context is important. The vote goes your way, but it is useless, because it isn't a vote about your situation.

Go play golf, it's one afternoon, if she wants spa day, great, if she doesn't it's up to her. You don't have to spend every waking hour together on holiday. My DH goes to the gym most days on holiday for a hour or two, with no issues.

It’s not clear anything. You said she’s raising three kids. You are negating his contributions when he clearly said he does the school runs works from home and contributes . You want to say because she’s the pregnant one she automatically does more. You are the ridiculous one here like a lot of the commenters. Don’t be silly right back at ya!

I've read the whole thread and I think this is the most telling thing you've said.

Your wife just wants to spend time together as a family. You want to do your hobby.

When you choose to have multiple children, you just can't continue to have time consuming hobbies like this if you're going to also have a fulfilling family life that doesn't involve dumping most of the load on your partner. Something has to give, and it should be your hobby. I doubt it will be though given the age of your eldest child and that you STILL do this hobby once a week.

DH is now the main breadwinner and pays for holidays (not always the case). I cannot imagine him going on holiday with his kids and doing his chosen leisure activity without them. He has taken toddler DSes to play golf with him for example. When they were small he did activities that included them - like playing cricket on the beach on big family holidays, or hanging out with them in the pool teaching them to swim. When we go on holiday now they are bigger, we do activities all together. Your children are small for such a short period of time - why wouldn't you enjoy all the opportunities you have to play with them when you're not doing your Big Dick Man Job?

Also - you're saying you don't want to wait to do this golfing in the future because the future isn't guaranteed. That's probably what your wife is thinking about family time! Then future isn't guaranteed, children aren't young for long, so let's spend time together now. Your priorities are clearly just very different. I've got to golf now because the future isn't guaranteed, so my family can wait