Uncompromising holiday disagreement

[MalePoster]

I would like some advice and opinions please, either way - I understand this is generally a place for women to post but I’m struggling to find somewhere that men can ask for similar advice.

Some context and background - I have been with my wife for 15 years, married for nearly 9. We have 3 children, 6 yo, 3 yo and 9 months. For as long as I can remember I have covered all of our bills and outgoings (at least since we started having children) and any income my wife has had over that period has been seen as disposable income, paying for holidays etc.. she is self employed so unfortunately this decreases a little when she is on maternity, such as in the past 9 months.. luckily I have been in position financially to be able to provide a decent lifestyle for us as a family, and I do not see being the breadwinner or the sole earner as a problem, however I do see very little gratitude to this fact from my wife as any time I mention money she thinks I’m holding it against her that I am the sole provider financially. I feel like in our lives, I do not make many demands as a husband, and I’m always more than happy to go on the holidays my wife wants and do activities that she wants us to do. She has been keen on buying a campervan for quite a few years and I’ve even come round to the idea and said I would put my Dads inheritance towards buying the campervan (Dad sadly passed last year).

I have recently booked a luxurious 12 day holiday for us as a family to go Dubai. My wife has been keen on going away for a while and I was just trying to time it right with school and work etc, so booked quite last minute. She had said Dubai would be good, and picked a nice resort hotel after we looked together, which I agreed would be a nice break for us as a family and hence why I booked it.

My personal hobby in life is golf, I play to a decent level and like playing nice courses when I can, without it being too unreasonable and inconsiderate to our family life.

I had mentioned a few times that if we went back to Dubai (went 4 years ago), I would like to play golf once during our trip.. this was usually met with the “we’ll see” “depends on timing” etc, like I am asking for permission. Well after I had booked I said that I would quite like to play golf, and it just so happened that our trip overlaps by 4 days with one of our close friend couples (with kids too) from home (I knew we were going to overlap before I booked but coincidence that they happened to be going at similar time).

I have made the suggestion to my wife that on one of the afternoons that we overlap with our friends, me and the other bloke go and play golf, leaving the wives and children all together somewhere to enjoy each others company etc.. well this has been met with a firm no from my wife, with absolutely no compromise or consideration towards my request, which has actually really annoyed me. She has made it clear that she wants the whole 12 day holiday to be family time together and thinks it’s unreasonable for me to go and play golf with my friend on one afternoon, even if it means she gets to spend time with her friend (who was one of her bridesmaids so a pretty close friend).

I have said that I’m more than happy for her to go and do something for her in return, like a spa morning or similar, but she says she doesn’t want to do that and just wants to spend the whole time as a family. Whilst I fully appreciate that, I do not think it makes me a bad person for wanting to do something for me on our holiday, especially considering all of the background to our relationship that I presented above.

What should I do? I really don’t want to back down for the principle of not being in a controlling relationship, and because I really do not think my request is unreasonable or inconsiderate to her or our children when considering the whole situation/scenario at play.

Thanks in advance

The other thread linked was written in 2021, the child was 1 then, so the ages work out (they've had another 2 children since then)

OP i'm on your side , irrelevant to me who earns / does what .
It's a few hours out of many hours together , i would be absolutely fine with my husband doing this and he would be absolutely fine with me doing it.

dont be unreasonable. Sha raising implies she’s a single parent with no other parents in sight and you know that’s hogwash.

I don’t think you know your wife very well.

Listen, my husband was a golf pro, before we met it was his life.

You know what he stopped doing once we had children? Golfing every week and leaving me alone to deal with children after he’d been at work all day.

You have three children and you go out for at least 2 to 4 hours every single week to golf. Forget the time cost of that, there’s also the financial cost. These are not small things.

now that my children are older, my husband goes at once a week for two-ish hours to a simulator. He’s happy I’m happy. Everything is good. On vacation I would have always been fine with him going out for a round of golf, but that’s because when we were at home, he was home and present and had given up many many rounds of golf for our family.

so I get it. But maybe you need to look into how you are at home.

also, setting up a play date for your wife is so condescending.

You're right. Stupidly I didn't register the date. 🤦
Apologies all round, including to the mods.

Easily done
I only checked the date as I was thinking 'I remember reading this one ages ago, surely it's not recent!'

Wow.
Now we have to be grateful for men that provide for their own kids?
If his wife did leave do you think he’d give up his job to look after the kids - bollocks would he.

Seems a little ridiculous to take our argument from offline to online but as my wife has decided to put her pov in to “swing the vote” her way, let me clarify some of the points from her post;

1. Yes we had a week long holiday last year where I played 3 rounds of golf with friends. I wanted to take my golf friends on a trip but my wife was against me doing that so I suggested that all of the families tag along. We did not take a family holiday and turn it into a golf holiday, we took what was originally planned as a golf trip and tried to combine the 2 because I wasn’t allowed a separate trip for golf…
2. We were always looking at going to Dubai for this trip from my OP. Canaries was floated as a cheaper alternative if we couldn’t work Dubai out. The dates moved slightly so that I could book reward flights using avios points and a companion voucher, as there were no reward flights available on other dates. This has meant we also now get to fly home business class, something we’ve not done before, but also something my wife has now moaned about because I’ve used more points (there weren’t any economy reward flights available).
3. I am not making her do anything in return. She doesn’t have to meet up with her friend if I go off, it was merely a suggestion. I am happy for her to have half a day off for herself doing whatever she’d like, but as you can see she doesn’t want to do that.
4. the “putting it off until future” part doesn’t sit well with me because there’s no guarantee of future.

What do you think about your wife planning to leave you?

There is a guarantee that your kids will grow up and these years when you could spend all this family time together with end though. That much is guaranteed, so make the most of it now.

Unless you actually think golfing is a more important “carpe diem” (sorry for annoying choice of words but it fits the bill) for you?

Calling her ridiculous- when you are the person who took the argument online - seems like a sign of how dismissive you are of her. She’s not trying to “swing the vote” she’s trying to put in her point of view so that we don’t just have the very selective facts you gave.

So if you’d gone on your golf trip solo, your wife would’ve had to deal with all 3 kids including a 2 month old?
You response is a bit childlike- I was not “allowed”. Your wife was reasonably trying to make you understand the implications of your going off at a time when she has just had a child and she was no doubt shattered and feeling vulnerable.
Your narrative of somehow doing her a favour by combining your much wanted golf holiday and a family one just compounds your selfishness- you were going to get your golf in come what may.
You do realise that when a child is 2 months old and breastfed that the mother doesn’t really have much option of going off on her own for some days?
I’m sorry but you are making yourself sound worse not better the more you explain. I understand you want to do things but so do most parents.

So, is the issue that you’ve had to choose between a family trip and a golf trip so you have tried to amalgamate them both?
its absolutely ok for couples to do things individually but not to the detriment of one partner.
is it just the timing regarding the golf trip?

No, he had chosen a golf trip, but his horrible wife insisted on making it a family trip. Hopefully she'll divorce him very soon.

And stop framing this as you are being ‘controlled’ if you don’t get to do what you want. It sounds like the whines of a teenager You are being asked to acknowledge and accommodate the needs of your wife at a time when your children are young and one under a year old. Last year you steamed on regardless and your wife went along with it even though having just had a baby I very much doubt hanging about while you went off to play golf was what she wanted.
The fundamental issue here is I see little acknowledgment from you as to your wife having any valid points which she clearly does. You’d do better if you could accept that last year was a bit rubbish and you get where she’s coming from now and then discuss. But if you plough on with this I don’t want to controlled nonsense alongside the idea that you were denied a golf holiday at a time that really wasn’t appropriate taking into your family circumstances you just sound like an idiot.

But his original post says he had booked a family holiday to Dubai and then added in the fact about the golf.
I suspect DW would have suggested alternative dates or gone for the canaries had the friends and golf been mentioned from the start.
thats aside, Both of them need to have a long chat about what they each need/expect from holiday time. At the moment they are never going to agree as it appears they want and expect different things. As OP has said that they have multiple trips a year there is no reason why he can’t have his golf trip on another occasion so family time is distinctly separate. I think 12 days is a long time to leave his DW and that maybe if she’s uncomfortable with him being away then they both need to compromise with the golf trip being shorter in the first instance.

I can’t understand why the wife’s thread is still pulled but this one is reinstated - is it because it’s a TAAT?

But yes stop saying you’re being controlled @MalePoster If anything you’re controlling by continuing to manipulate her into doing solo childcare on holiday. The childcare (when neither party is actually at work) is both of your responsibility- it’s not “controlling” of her not to want to take on your half at your say-so - it’s controlling of you to tell her she has to, or try to manipulate her into it.

You’re not making it any better. All you are underlining is that golf is more important to you than your wife and family.

If god forbid you were struck down with a terminal illness in 2 years’ time, would your biggest regret be that you didn’t make the most of your time with the kids when they were little, or that you didn’t play all the golf courses you wanted to?

When the kids are grown up, how do you want them to remember you during their childhood? As an active hands on dad, or a golfer?

This isn’t about you not having hobbies or putting your life on hold. It’s about balance. Your annual family holiday with your family should be shaped around the family.

With children of that age any family holiday needs to be about spending time together and sharing the load with your wife. Golf is not a suitable hobby for people with small children and limited time off. It can wait a few years. Those ‘amazing’ courses aren’t going anywhere.

The trip is 12 days he wants to spend one of those days golfing

I'm cringing for both of you tbh.

You seem to have missed the posts from his wife ( DisneyBaby) putting the facts differently, before you posted the above @Lifealwaysgetsbetter?

She has quite a different take on it!!

I'm finding it cringey that this argument is happening with both partners on this thread.

But honestly, would you be saying the exact same thing in your post, if it was a mother wanting to experience something really special (which apparently these Dubai golf courses are, for DH) for half a day of her twelve day holiday, and asking her DH to hold the fort?
Would you tell her that her kids won't remember everyone else she's done with or for them, because of that one day when she put herself first?

Neither party in this is covering themselves in glory, frankly, but your argument doesn't hold, IMO.

This is the most cringe, point scoring immature thing I’ve ever read. Have we really got a husband and wife fighting on line. And doesn’t the hotel have a kids club, the wife doesn’t need to go to see the other wife, she can put her older kids in the kids club and have a day with her younger Child as she wants to spend it with her kids, and getting meals is easy, put baby in a high chair pop to buffet.

Oh yes, the kids will really miss that half day when they were at the hotel's kids club / with their mother, instead of with both parents bickering in front of them...

On a different topic, OP mentioning his inheritance and the camper van is absolutely relevant, proving that he does indulge her own hobbies and interests and should equally expect that from her.