Uncompromising holiday disagreement

[MalePoster]

I would like some advice and opinions please, either way - I understand this is generally a place for women to post but I’m struggling to find somewhere that men can ask for similar advice.

Some context and background - I have been with my wife for 15 years, married for nearly 9. We have 3 children, 6 yo, 3 yo and 9 months. For as long as I can remember I have covered all of our bills and outgoings (at least since we started having children) and any income my wife has had over that period has been seen as disposable income, paying for holidays etc.. she is self employed so unfortunately this decreases a little when she is on maternity, such as in the past 9 months.. luckily I have been in position financially to be able to provide a decent lifestyle for us as a family, and I do not see being the breadwinner or the sole earner as a problem, however I do see very little gratitude to this fact from my wife as any time I mention money she thinks I’m holding it against her that I am the sole provider financially. I feel like in our lives, I do not make many demands as a husband, and I’m always more than happy to go on the holidays my wife wants and do activities that she wants us to do. She has been keen on buying a campervan for quite a few years and I’ve even come round to the idea and said I would put my Dads inheritance towards buying the campervan (Dad sadly passed last year).

I have recently booked a luxurious 12 day holiday for us as a family to go Dubai. My wife has been keen on going away for a while and I was just trying to time it right with school and work etc, so booked quite last minute. She had said Dubai would be good, and picked a nice resort hotel after we looked together, which I agreed would be a nice break for us as a family and hence why I booked it.

My personal hobby in life is golf, I play to a decent level and like playing nice courses when I can, without it being too unreasonable and inconsiderate to our family life.

I had mentioned a few times that if we went back to Dubai (went 4 years ago), I would like to play golf once during our trip.. this was usually met with the “we’ll see” “depends on timing” etc, like I am asking for permission. Well after I had booked I said that I would quite like to play golf, and it just so happened that our trip overlaps by 4 days with one of our close friend couples (with kids too) from home (I knew we were going to overlap before I booked but coincidence that they happened to be going at similar time).

I have made the suggestion to my wife that on one of the afternoons that we overlap with our friends, me and the other bloke go and play golf, leaving the wives and children all together somewhere to enjoy each others company etc.. well this has been met with a firm no from my wife, with absolutely no compromise or consideration towards my request, which has actually really annoyed me. She has made it clear that she wants the whole 12 day holiday to be family time together and thinks it’s unreasonable for me to go and play golf with my friend on one afternoon, even if it means she gets to spend time with her friend (who was one of her bridesmaids so a pretty close friend).

I have said that I’m more than happy for her to go and do something for her in return, like a spa morning or similar, but she says she doesn’t want to do that and just wants to spend the whole time as a family. Whilst I fully appreciate that, I do not think it makes me a bad person for wanting to do something for me on our holiday, especially considering all of the background to our relationship that I presented above.

What should I do? I really don’t want to back down for the principle of not being in a controlling relationship, and because I really do not think my request is unreasonable or inconsiderate to her or our children when considering the whole situation/scenario at play.

Thanks in advance

Oh look, another pathetic man pretending to be posting as a woman. Do you wear dresses and lipstick too? 🤣🤣🤣🤣

@bugalugs45 would you feel that way if you had a 6 year old a 3 year old and a 9 month old in a really hot country and could not use the pool because its not safe for 1 adult to do so with 3 very young children. And your DH expected you to take those 3 children to a completely different hotel to spend the entire day with his mate's wife and then get herself and all the kids ready to have dinner at that hotel when he returns from his day out?? It sounds like a stressful nightmare to me.

I don't understand why you would post about a situation that has no comparison to the OP. There are children to consider here. The OP is not considering them.

Are you the fella from another OP who is complaining her H wants to play golf on holiday?

Either way I fail to see why you spent half your OP describing how you provide everything financially and your wife doesn't. So what. That was your choice as a couple. You're not getting any medals for it though mate. She obviously does all the life admin and childcare. Which is just as important as you working.

I don't know if it's possibly to comfortably play golf during the day outdoors in the ME? Or do they have a fancy air conditioned indoor golf arena or something?

How much laying around the pool is a mother with a toddler and breastfeeding baby going to be able to achieve?

I think it appears fair on the face of it.However be honest with yourself,2 things here ,you say YOU booked this holiday .I assume and then TOLD her? She may have liked some input perhaps .Also you have booked at the same time as your friend, and his family ,handily near a golf course!Do you play at the weekends, with her at home juggling 2 DC and a young baby.Maybe she feels she wants to get away from it all and will struggle to do that with friends there .Will 1 afternoon(with her being Nanny to your 3 and having another 2 DC to look after ) turn into a couple of days?12 days goes quickly and each moment is precious .Do you do much with babe ,because we seem to hear a lot of burnt out ladies on here whose DH have seemed to have checked out of parenting!

I see from your wife’s post that you had one family holiday last year and it was based around golf with friends? Left that out of your OP didn’t you? And the fact you changed the destination to coincide with your friends. And the fact she’s bfing…. Plus more I should imagine.

I think it's fine to take half a day to golf personally. There must be a reason why she's saying no. She's either unreasonable or she's exhausted and feels neglected somehow.

You say your DW is free to take her own me time. But does she actually take it? What are her hobbies?

One afternoon of golf? Your wife is being completely unfair.

On the surface, it's not a lot to ask to have one game of golf. However, two things stood out to me from your posts...

You say your wife hasn't shown 'gratitude' to you for being the sole earner while she's on maternity leave. Meanwhile, she has grown and birthed a human being and is now nurturing it. That's an exhausting job in itself, especially when you have other children. Are you showing gratitude in return for her hard work?

I was married to a scratch golfer. It needs lots of practice to be good. Taking up a quarter of the weekend every week (in the nicer months) is no fun for your wife as she's left doing all the parenting of 3 kids and it really impacts on doing something as a family. My DH used to go out at 6am and back at lunchtime, but by the time he'd had lunch, cleaned his clubs, got changed, the best part of the day was wasted. I suspect your wife is less happy than you think with your hobby, and as a result doesn't want it impacting your holiday time. She wants to spend it with you and your children, not another woman and her children.

Why are you reposting your previous post word for word?

strange

Given your previous lack of engagement in the home, it's almost certain this would NOT be the case, particularly if you don't even put the clothes you've taken off your back in the laundry basket. I can see why she wouldn't go off for an afternoon and leave you with the children.

I understand that you were originally looking at the canaries and then there was a last minute change to Dubai that happens to coincide with your golf buddy being there.

It is not unreasonable for your wife to expect a family holiday to be about family, and not about you seeing an opportunity to play at a brilliant golf course then springing it on her.

You approached the whole thing very very badly. I’d be really angry if my husband had arranged to go on holiday to coincide with friends being out there, and made suggestions that ‘the girls’ could hang out, without any prior discussion with me at all. If your wife had been given chance to look at resorts through the lens of entertaining young children on her own, if it wasn’t all sprung on her, if she had time to adjust… she might have reacted better.

You sound very selfish and self-centred. Your hobby already takes up half the weekend/available family time every single weekend all summer. It really isn’t unreasonable for your wife to have it in her head that your family holiday is about family time and not about golf again. On the surface, she’s being unreasonable. In context of the way you prioritise your time, she’s really not.

She knew this but stayed for the sperm donations https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4217261-am-i-mad-to-want-another-baby-before-leaving-my-husband?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

I think you and your wife should maybe stop using MN to air your grievances with each other and have a proper conversation

This is weird. In that OP @DisneyBaby , you just have one cold, a 15 month old daughter.

This whole thread is extremely odd having seen that.

"We have been together 10 years, married 4 and have a 15 month old daughter I have always wanted 3/4 children close together in age so they would have a close bond like my sisters and I had growing up. But I am now pretty certain after deliberating about it for several years, that I want to leave my husband. I do believe I can do better, and a lot of friends and family have told me the same.
I worry that I wouldn't meet someone new straight away and I think about my daughter growing up with no siblings close in age, and it makes me think... Should I just stay for a few months longer and have baby number two so that my daughter will have a playmate, or is that totally stupid?*

Yes you are
Who earns what is irrelevant here, you have no more rights than your wife to do what you want.
On the surface it seeems that there is no reason why you shouldn't play golf on this occasion but I do wonder why your wife is so against it.
Perhaps its linked to your comments over her lack of gratitude - where is your gratitude that you don't hav to employ a nanny, cleaner and PA?

Maybe she doesn’t want to be forced to spend the morning with this other woman.

Also- is it just a morning? ExH would say I unreasonably disliked him watching ‘one rugby match a month’ but the truth of it is he’d insist on watching loads of matches in the run up and (more materially) drink about 8-10 pints across the day ending up at best foul tempered and worst completely out of action until mid afternoon the following day…

It’s a stupid question in a stupid post but you/we don’t know the context of anything that happened afterwards. He’s a lazy gambler that loves golf more than his wife and family, lies to get his own way and believes money gives him more power in the relationship, she’s a controlling wife who is only with him for his sperm… I suspect neither of those characterisations is the whole truth.

Search the Disneybaby previous posts - this is an unhealthy relationship and my posts linking how she wanted to have more kids before she leaves him has been reported.. she’s chosen 3 kids with this man knowing the relationship is not healthy

I don't think your request to play golf for part of the day while on holiday is unreasonable & I've also said this in your wife's post.

Saying that, your overly long initial post makes you sound unreasonable and entitled in terms of your attitude towards your salary and your marriage. While your latter posts explain why you gave this £ information I imagine this doesn't always come across well in conversations with your wife and perhaps you need to consider how this might contribute to her resistance to you wanting to play golf.

No, she only had one kid on the other threads.

So basically this, or that one, is a bogus thread. So I'm reporting it