Uncompromising holiday disagreement

[MalePoster]

I would like some advice and opinions please, either way - I understand this is generally a place for women to post but I’m struggling to find somewhere that men can ask for similar advice.

Some context and background - I have been with my wife for 15 years, married for nearly 9. We have 3 children, 6 yo, 3 yo and 9 months. For as long as I can remember I have covered all of our bills and outgoings (at least since we started having children) and any income my wife has had over that period has been seen as disposable income, paying for holidays etc.. she is self employed so unfortunately this decreases a little when she is on maternity, such as in the past 9 months.. luckily I have been in position financially to be able to provide a decent lifestyle for us as a family, and I do not see being the breadwinner or the sole earner as a problem, however I do see very little gratitude to this fact from my wife as any time I mention money she thinks I’m holding it against her that I am the sole provider financially. I feel like in our lives, I do not make many demands as a husband, and I’m always more than happy to go on the holidays my wife wants and do activities that she wants us to do. She has been keen on buying a campervan for quite a few years and I’ve even come round to the idea and said I would put my Dads inheritance towards buying the campervan (Dad sadly passed last year).

I have recently booked a luxurious 12 day holiday for us as a family to go Dubai. My wife has been keen on going away for a while and I was just trying to time it right with school and work etc, so booked quite last minute. She had said Dubai would be good, and picked a nice resort hotel after we looked together, which I agreed would be a nice break for us as a family and hence why I booked it.

My personal hobby in life is golf, I play to a decent level and like playing nice courses when I can, without it being too unreasonable and inconsiderate to our family life.

I had mentioned a few times that if we went back to Dubai (went 4 years ago), I would like to play golf once during our trip.. this was usually met with the “we’ll see” “depends on timing” etc, like I am asking for permission. Well after I had booked I said that I would quite like to play golf, and it just so happened that our trip overlaps by 4 days with one of our close friend couples (with kids too) from home (I knew we were going to overlap before I booked but coincidence that they happened to be going at similar time).

I have made the suggestion to my wife that on one of the afternoons that we overlap with our friends, me and the other bloke go and play golf, leaving the wives and children all together somewhere to enjoy each others company etc.. well this has been met with a firm no from my wife, with absolutely no compromise or consideration towards my request, which has actually really annoyed me. She has made it clear that she wants the whole 12 day holiday to be family time together and thinks it’s unreasonable for me to go and play golf with my friend on one afternoon, even if it means she gets to spend time with her friend (who was one of her bridesmaids so a pretty close friend).

I have said that I’m more than happy for her to go and do something for her in return, like a spa morning or similar, but she says she doesn’t want to do that and just wants to spend the whole time as a family. Whilst I fully appreciate that, I do not think it makes me a bad person for wanting to do something for me on our holiday, especially considering all of the background to our relationship that I presented above.

What should I do? I really don’t want to back down for the principle of not being in a controlling relationship, and because I really do not think my request is unreasonable or inconsiderate to her or our children when considering the whole situation/scenario at play.

Thanks in advance

Quite. But then that's why he booked Dubai, wasn't it?

1. when is your wife going to get some child free time in this holiday
2. Have you ever costed up what it would cost to replace your wife with people you have to pay for all the unpaid shit work she does?

Believd it or not you may THINK you’re the sole breadwinner, but you aren’t - because she’s busy supporting you being able to go out to work whilst she takes care of everything else, by the sounds of it

You sound entitled and a total score-keeping annoyance.

Wanting one round of golf isn’t the issue. The issue is how quickly you bring up paying all the bills, inheritance, gratitude and not wanting to be “controlled”. That makes it sound like provision equals leverage.

It reads like someone who sees himself as the provider and expects that to carry weight in decisions. That mindset — more than the golf — is what’s likely causing friction.

Stop putting your own needs first and plan something that your whole family wants to do

…and it just so happens that our trip (booked last minute) coincides with my mates trip to Dubai at exactly the same resort and same overlap dates (!!!) who also wants to play golf with me…

Wow. What a freakish co-incidence. Of all the places in the world to book a holiday etc…. You must buy a lottery ticket! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Your wife clearly isn’t as easily fooled as some of the dozy posters on here desperate to back you up. 😂😂

Stop trying to justify your excuses of being the sole bread winner etc. and start being totally honest with yourself and your wife.

It’s the pure manipulation why she’s bloody annoyed with you and you obviously know it.

Until you can be completely honest with yourself and within the relationship, your future together is doomed.

Don’t be surprised if she ditches you in a few years time having had enough of your manipulation and shenanigans. 🤷🏻‍♀️

If you do your ‘fair share’ of parenting, then why does your wife not have equal opportunity to work?

And there it is OP.

the post I was waiting for, from your wife.

you men just don’t get it.

she said everything I expected her to say.

The thing with golf, like cricket, is the finish time is completely uncertain. This isnt the same as other hobbies like running. If you run regularly you are going to know to the nearest 5 mins when a 10k run is going to finish.

I think you're absolutely entitled to have a game of golf when you're there - your needs/wants matter too, and your wife sounds quite controlling. But I was a little concerned by you saying " leaving the wives and children all together to enjoy each others' company". Really? That's a strange assumption, that the women will enjoy having the kids around so that the men can swan off. You can't even have a decent conversation when there's excited children running amok. Would you want the kids with you while you play golf?
However, if your wife has the option for some completely childfree time too then that seems fair enough. Maybe have a look at your underlying beliefs about 'breadwinners' and want women might enjoy though.

This

Yes, I posted this AFTER I read her update, when she said she doesnt need/want time for herself (which he had offered multiple times), but then moans and moans she feels exhausted. Some people thrive when they make themselves suffer and leave off this negative energy they create.

I said it a few times, prime time martyr. It is a problem of her own making she refuses to relax and decides puts her hobbies on hold until her kids are 18. She has an option to stay in a hotel and relax, but prefers to stress how she wont cope instead. Her idea of a holiday is for the whole family to sit their like conjoint twins and there is no breathing space for anything else. She could go shopping, spa, massage, go and read a book by herself by the pool when OP gives her her own time but refuses to. Not everyone's idea of holiday is to hold hands 24/7 over the period of two weeks. If I had a few days off to Dubai when my partner offered to babysit in the evenings, I would have definitely used it. But no, better to sit upset and be controlling, right?

He had answered point 1 a few times. The 'wife' if it is her responded she doesnt want this time off (but then complains she is always tired). Go figure.

So clearly the OP is a lot more manipulative and selfish than it initially appeared. It seems he has altered holiday dates to ensure they overlap with friends so he can disappear and play golf. And the going off to play golf when on holiday and leaving his wife with the kids is not unusual.
I think OP owes his wife an apology for the deceit in basically organising a holiday with friends again and pretending it's all a coicindence.
If it was really just about one day playing golf, I'd say he wasn't being unreasonable but it's not about that at all. He's doing this a lot. Seems to have no concept of what his wife wants in all this.
They need to talk - and he really needs to listen. What she wants might not be what he thinks she wants and it might not be what I or some of the other posters would want. But it is what she wants and that's what's important in their relationship.
Looking after 3 young children is exhausting. If you can't put the mother of your young children first at this time in their lives then you're a very selfish individual.

Absolutely

She chose Dubai. And if she does leave him she won’t have him at home every day helping her when he’s working. She’s in for a rude awakening if she ever becomes a single parent!

You need to repost this as a woman and say you want to go away for a half day spa day on holiday but your husband says no. Then you’ll get real answers.

This!!

She chooses not to work and says she’s in no rush to return to it - because he’s funding their life. He’s supportive of that - why isn’t she appreciating him?

I’d leave this controlling woman tbh - the she will realise how much practical and financial support she has. She has a husband at home all day who helps and her eldest is at school and middle one at nursery but she’s exhausted and won’t take a break because she loves being the martyr.
She is ungrateful. Husband works hard to keep her in a lifestyle that most two working parents can’t afford - and wants to use his inheritance to buy a campervan yet she can’t cope in a luxury hotel that will likely have kids clubs. He should spend his inheritance on a golfing holiday imo 🤣🤣

Yes!

Is it true @MalePoster that you have a gambling habit?

Whilst we don’t have young children to consider , my partner likes to fish 🎣, he goes off at least couple of
times & always all day , i have no issue with it whatsoever ,
I will happily lay by the pool and read my book. Blissful . From just reading the original thread I don’t think you’re asking a lot

Sorry, but I don't understand why are you both posting here, you and your wife.
You have three small children, presumably by your own adult choices. Sort your differences at home.
A bit of personal view, OP, your "golf hobby" would put me right off you, but we will never see each other.
😀

These comments are absolutely ridiculous. No wonder there is such a high divorce rate if this is how most women treat their partners. Of course your wife is being unreasonable and controlling. Never in a million years would I have a problem with my partner spending half a day golfing on holiday, especially in this scenario. And my husband wouldn't have no problem if the roles were reversed. It wouldn't even cross my mind to be annoyed about it. Id be happy for him that he was getting to do something he enjoyed. Also, if it was a woman writing this post, everyone would be telling her that her husband was controlling.

No I don’t think she did choose Dubai because that isn’t what he says

he says she was keen to go away and said Dubai would be good- which I suspect is code for I suggested Dubai and she agreed it would work then she chose the hotel with me

Blimey OP after reading your wife's posts I feel even more sorry for you!

How did she find this thread out of interest?

Did you show her?

Exactly what I said hence suggesting getting her some help 🙄