Uncompromising holiday disagreement

[MalePoster]

I would like some advice and opinions please, either way - I understand this is generally a place for women to post but I’m struggling to find somewhere that men can ask for similar advice.

Some context and background - I have been with my wife for 15 years, married for nearly 9. We have 3 children, 6 yo, 3 yo and 9 months. For as long as I can remember I have covered all of our bills and outgoings (at least since we started having children) and any income my wife has had over that period has been seen as disposable income, paying for holidays etc.. she is self employed so unfortunately this decreases a little when she is on maternity, such as in the past 9 months.. luckily I have been in position financially to be able to provide a decent lifestyle for us as a family, and I do not see being the breadwinner or the sole earner as a problem, however I do see very little gratitude to this fact from my wife as any time I mention money she thinks I’m holding it against her that I am the sole provider financially. I feel like in our lives, I do not make many demands as a husband, and I’m always more than happy to go on the holidays my wife wants and do activities that she wants us to do. She has been keen on buying a campervan for quite a few years and I’ve even come round to the idea and said I would put my Dads inheritance towards buying the campervan (Dad sadly passed last year).

I have recently booked a luxurious 12 day holiday for us as a family to go Dubai. My wife has been keen on going away for a while and I was just trying to time it right with school and work etc, so booked quite last minute. She had said Dubai would be good, and picked a nice resort hotel after we looked together, which I agreed would be a nice break for us as a family and hence why I booked it.

My personal hobby in life is golf, I play to a decent level and like playing nice courses when I can, without it being too unreasonable and inconsiderate to our family life.

I had mentioned a few times that if we went back to Dubai (went 4 years ago), I would like to play golf once during our trip.. this was usually met with the “we’ll see” “depends on timing” etc, like I am asking for permission. Well after I had booked I said that I would quite like to play golf, and it just so happened that our trip overlaps by 4 days with one of our close friend couples (with kids too) from home (I knew we were going to overlap before I booked but coincidence that they happened to be going at similar time).

I have made the suggestion to my wife that on one of the afternoons that we overlap with our friends, me and the other bloke go and play golf, leaving the wives and children all together somewhere to enjoy each others company etc.. well this has been met with a firm no from my wife, with absolutely no compromise or consideration towards my request, which has actually really annoyed me. She has made it clear that she wants the whole 12 day holiday to be family time together and thinks it’s unreasonable for me to go and play golf with my friend on one afternoon, even if it means she gets to spend time with her friend (who was one of her bridesmaids so a pretty close friend).

I have said that I’m more than happy for her to go and do something for her in return, like a spa morning or similar, but she says she doesn’t want to do that and just wants to spend the whole time as a family. Whilst I fully appreciate that, I do not think it makes me a bad person for wanting to do something for me on our holiday, especially considering all of the background to our relationship that I presented above.

What should I do? I really don’t want to back down for the principle of not being in a controlling relationship, and because I really do not think my request is unreasonable or inconsiderate to her or our children when considering the whole situation/scenario at play.

Thanks in advance

I’ve just read the wife’s post. I’ve changed my mind, I can see why she said no.

Personally this would be fine with me. When we go on hols next week the plan is for DH to do a casino one evening and for me to have a spa day another day. I think that this issue is not going to be resolved easily because it seems like you have deeper issues in your marriage. Little things like this will keep being a thing until you resolve the deeper stuff.

Just go and play golf. I would not be asking my husband, yes we can have a discussion but if I want to do something then I do it! Maybe I’m selfish. I don’t understand why she’s being like that tbh… (plus I’d love a spa morning to make up for it!)

The finances don't matter to your story

But they matter to you because you chose to tell us about them in your story

Which says a whole lot about you as a husband and father

The fact that your wife wants to spend the WHOLE holiday as a family with no individual adult time could mean:

*She doesn't feel she gets enough time with you/as a family, day to day , as you are working long hours

*Shes sick of looking after the children on her own every day and wants a whole holiday where you are an actual father every day

*She doesn't particularly like the wife of your golf buddy and certainly doesn't want to have even more children to look after

🥺

It's a half day golfing. Not much to ask. The fact that the golfing IS too much for your wife tells me that there is a whole lot of bad shit within your marriage that you appear to have zero idea about

Oh
Dear
Me

🙄

You're not being unreadable at all, on the face of it.

You guys need to talk. Hear her reasons. Explain yours.

Truely, why would the wife be selfish?

Selfish would be if there was no impact on her holiday and it was just her preference.

In reality she’s going to have a more difficult and stressful afternoon than if she was at home. Her holiday is compromised whilst his made better. How does that make her selfish?

I presume she is saying no as she is in her own with 3 children quite often. Plus it sounds quite hard work. I would see a family holiday as that. Golf can be a long day out. I’m not sure of the financial link. You both work and should be a team. You are kind of telling her what to do. I’ll go golf, you go to the spa. It sounds like she doesn’t want to do that while on holiday.

Just read the OP’s wife’s post. I think when you choose to have 3 children hobbies like golf probably have to go out of the window until the children are older. Admittedly my husband was a single parent but even with one child he realised he couldn’t do it and gave it up until his son was in his teens.

I agree with you, you are not planning on disappearing on every single day and giving her time to do her own stuff.
You are a man and on MN this for many women puts you straight away in the YABU bastard category regardless of what you say or do.
You have an amazing opportunity to do a hobby somewhere great, do it.

She's being controlling and unreasonable tbh. An afternoon of golf on a 12 day holiday should not be a problem 🤷‍♀️ why don't you suggest you book a golfing holiday to Dubai instead.

Because he is offering her time off too when she can go and enjoy and he is on his own with kids?

@Lifealwaysgetsbetter
I'm not sure I agree with you
It’s not difficult to look after your kids. This man is a high earner so will have a demanding job but folk are dismissing the stress of that
I have worn both hats. The full on job role is indeed stressful. Looking after small children is also very demanding and exhausting. The difference in my opinion is that the children/domestic role is relentless. Might just have been my kids (tbf they have always been described as 'lively personalities') but it was unrelenting with no breaks. My hugely demanding job is often back to back. But I do get to nip to the toilet without someone calling for me or jiggling the door handle. Some days in my working week I manage a half hour lunch break and even when working long hours there is always an end to the working day. I don't have to put my laptop back to bed 6 or 7 times before we both crash out with exhaustion and unless I'm on call my work generally doesn't wake me up in the night demanding something. For me full time at home was way more exhausting. As I say maybe different kids different experience, my lot were always on the go, sleep was not much needed and active engagement or activities was essential for most waking hours. They never played trains/blocks, never did puzzles or crafting..... friends called them the Duracell bunnies....Trust me work was a lot less exhausting....

Parents martyrs like to forget they were once non parents.
Being a parent does not mean giving up hobbies. I go out twice a month My partner does something out the other two weekends when I look after the kids.
OP is offering a similar solution but wife goes NO because she can.

The OP wife has said he would likely be away for 6 hours. He has said he would like his wife to have a similar break. Just because she refuses the offer I really don’t think he should feel guilty about doing something he enjoys away from the family for such a short time.

This whole thread has started to make my blood boil. I bet All the people posting on here against you op don't have a hobby, apart from - like your wife - "spending time as a family". I have always had sports and hobbies that I love and would be absolutely Fuming if my OH told me I couldn't spend at Least one day (pref a couple of half days tbh) doing what I love on my holiday, regardless of who pays for it! Your DW is being super inflexible and uncompromising.

I'm pretty sure I did read further up thread that you said your wife chooses to not have a hobby and actively prefers to prioritise time with the kids so if I were feeling combative I'd be tempted to ask her why she thinks it's fair she spends every day of the holiday indulging her chosen past time - IE family days out - but she refuses to let you even have one day?

It's not healthy for individuals within a family to not have their own thing going on separate from the children and each other (unless of course it's through both their choices but even still...!)

It was unfortunate that you complained about your wife being ungrateful to you for being the breadwinner - that immediately made me feel less inclined to sympathise with your situation.
I assume your wife is fed up with the amount of time you spend at the gold course. I recall a friend of mine, whose dh wasn't too fond of parenting asking if my dh wanted to take up golfing with her dh on Saturdays - I just thought no fucking way! I had 6 month old twins and I was barely keeping my head above water - the weekends were my time to try and enjoy parenting and enjoy my babies - so I can see why your wife is a bit desperate to do the same, to feel like she isn't doing it alone and hopefully enjoy parenting.
I think she probably resents it every single time you play golf atm because looking after 3 small kids is hard and at the weekends when you are around she probably expects it to be a bit easier and then you want to pay golf on holidays and leave her with the kids again - when she was looking forward to having two solid weeks of doing it together.
I don't think you are being unreasonable to have one afternoon off, but if she is feeling like she is drowning you might want to think about how you can support her better through out the year - and I don't mean financially - which unfortunately is the thing you spoke about at length.

@MalePoster fo you ever actually listen to your wife @DisneyBaby abd compromise or change plans or actually see it from her perspective

because you have had advice it, different perspectives and you have remained singular in your views and that is unhelpful

did you discuss this option? Was it chosen as a destination the family wanted or golf

did you know that your friend was there? And if so why the different hotel

Bloody hell, your wife needs to get a grip! This sounds very needy and claustrophobic. The only possible thing I can think of is she doesn’t like the other wife!! I often go on trips on holiday to see things my family don’t want to see, or they go off and do an activity that I don’t want to. The same in everyday life. We do stuff, go on breaks away independently.

if you don’t the alternative one you don’t get to do anything that you would like to do:drag a long someone who doesn’t want to be there. What a shit way to live your life! Your wife is controlling, stopping you doing something you get fulfilment from. I get the feeling she needs a hobby of her own! If she can’t support you doing something happy for a few hours out of 12 days she has serious issues I’m afraid.

@DisneyBaby If you are indeed OP's wife...
I think you have very different priorities. But quite frankly, I dont agree with you still. You kind of expect both parents to just sit there and look at the kids because this is what YOU like to do, and impose that on your husband. I personally hate when people expect you to 'be present', it's such a bs phrase that Instagram Mums like to throw around because they want to show what amazing parents they are being always there and superior to parents who take time to do their hobbies. Not everyone wants to forsake their hobbies and lives because they are mums and dads. It's not necessary.
If your husband played golf every weekend and evening and never saw you, then you are right. But going on holiday and playing a few times will do no harm.
You are not bothered for any you time, but this is not the case for many other people. The fact you want to spend every breathing moment for the next few years looking at your children and with husband by your side sounds very exhausting. You need to take a break, you are exhausted because you make yourself like this. If you stop being a martyr, take time for you, you will be less tired.

I think she’s being unreasonable

I think you’re going to have to be a bit firmer on this and say that it’s a heck of an opportunity to play a world famous course and she can either come to the clubhouse and hang around there while you play, or she can arrange something to do with her friend, or just the kids.

Wow some of these comments are so bitter and twisted, and reveal more about the poster than have anything to do with the op and his situation.

op, I find it unreasonable if either spouse doesn’t let the other do something like this, so for example if she wanted to do something for a few hours and you said no, that would also be unreasonable for me. And I see no issue with you clarifying the financial context.

just take the comments as a reflection on issues the poster has in their own lives, some projection, and ignore.

I don’t see half a day out of 12 as an unreasonable request. The offer is on the table for both adults.

As a mum I naturally enjoy spending time with my DD and choose not to be apart, however that doesn’t mean I can enforce the other parent to do the same if that’s not what they want.

I think it would have helped your case if you had said that your friends were going to the same place at the same time and that you wanted to meet and play golf BEFORE booking. It seems a little deceitful as you already knew.

Having friends near on the same holiday has the potential to change the whole dynamic of your holiday. Your wife may be worried that what is one afternoon will become further meet ups. Her expectation is that this is your family trip. Could you but arrange a friends trip to play golf at another time?

I think he’s answered all these questions, yes, the wife said it was a good destination- yes he knew there would be an overlap but this was coincidence and was not linked to their holiday (we have been places a couple of times where it transpired there was an overlap with people we knew - we met up- at no point did I consider choosing the same accommodation- why on earth would you do this???)

His wife sounds insufferably needy - there’s something wrong if you don’t support your partner having a few hours to do something they love on holiday and demand they are there 24/7. That is a very unhealthy relationship

If you ARE the @MalePoster's wife thank you for giving your opinions

I was Team Wife before I read your post as I felt sure there was a whole drip feed pending 🙄🤣

I'm still Team Wife after reading the drip feed 😊