Uncompromising holiday disagreement

[MalePoster]

I would like some advice and opinions please, either way - I understand this is generally a place for women to post but I’m struggling to find somewhere that men can ask for similar advice.

Some context and background - I have been with my wife for 15 years, married for nearly 9. We have 3 children, 6 yo, 3 yo and 9 months. For as long as I can remember I have covered all of our bills and outgoings (at least since we started having children) and any income my wife has had over that period has been seen as disposable income, paying for holidays etc.. she is self employed so unfortunately this decreases a little when she is on maternity, such as in the past 9 months.. luckily I have been in position financially to be able to provide a decent lifestyle for us as a family, and I do not see being the breadwinner or the sole earner as a problem, however I do see very little gratitude to this fact from my wife as any time I mention money she thinks I’m holding it against her that I am the sole provider financially. I feel like in our lives, I do not make many demands as a husband, and I’m always more than happy to go on the holidays my wife wants and do activities that she wants us to do. She has been keen on buying a campervan for quite a few years and I’ve even come round to the idea and said I would put my Dads inheritance towards buying the campervan (Dad sadly passed last year).

I have recently booked a luxurious 12 day holiday for us as a family to go Dubai. My wife has been keen on going away for a while and I was just trying to time it right with school and work etc, so booked quite last minute. She had said Dubai would be good, and picked a nice resort hotel after we looked together, which I agreed would be a nice break for us as a family and hence why I booked it.

My personal hobby in life is golf, I play to a decent level and like playing nice courses when I can, without it being too unreasonable and inconsiderate to our family life.

I had mentioned a few times that if we went back to Dubai (went 4 years ago), I would like to play golf once during our trip.. this was usually met with the “we’ll see” “depends on timing” etc, like I am asking for permission. Well after I had booked I said that I would quite like to play golf, and it just so happened that our trip overlaps by 4 days with one of our close friend couples (with kids too) from home (I knew we were going to overlap before I booked but coincidence that they happened to be going at similar time).

I have made the suggestion to my wife that on one of the afternoons that we overlap with our friends, me and the other bloke go and play golf, leaving the wives and children all together somewhere to enjoy each others company etc.. well this has been met with a firm no from my wife, with absolutely no compromise or consideration towards my request, which has actually really annoyed me. She has made it clear that she wants the whole 12 day holiday to be family time together and thinks it’s unreasonable for me to go and play golf with my friend on one afternoon, even if it means she gets to spend time with her friend (who was one of her bridesmaids so a pretty close friend).

I have said that I’m more than happy for her to go and do something for her in return, like a spa morning or similar, but she says she doesn’t want to do that and just wants to spend the whole time as a family. Whilst I fully appreciate that, I do not think it makes me a bad person for wanting to do something for me on our holiday, especially considering all of the background to our relationship that I presented above.

What should I do? I really don’t want to back down for the principle of not being in a controlling relationship, and because I really do not think my request is unreasonable or inconsiderate to her or our children when considering the whole situation/scenario at play.

Thanks in advance

Do you therefore see my predicament given that my wife and children are not in the position to share my hobby. I could wait years for them to “catch up” and share Dads love for golf…

When you have children your hobbies get put on a back burner, you fit the hobby around the family if and when you can - not the family around the hobby. Your wife and children may never "catch up" with golf but have their own interests

Your predicament is you need to wait, you choose to have 3 children so parenting comes first

This.

it’s quite clear it was to create context about holiday decision making and how he usually goes along with it. No need for everyone to get their hackles up.

This is how I see it too.

I’d just book golf and ask her to let me know which day/afternoon she wanted some child-free time.

Holidays are supposed to be a break for everyone.

I think that what she is after is you spending a whole 12 days together than having you disappear each weekends to golf for once. She is obviously annoyed that you do this each weekend and she is left with three children. I can imagine a 3 year old and a 9 month old is a real handful.

I think whe is thinking couldn’t you just give it a miss and put them first than the hobby whilst you are away.

In his posts he comes across as quite patronising towards you. For example your lack of gratitude at him being the ‘breadwinner’, his offering you a spa morning, his decision that you will have a day with the other wife and all the children.

is he really like this or is his phrasing in his post just bad?

Because the way he’s presented himself here, I’d be quite pleased he was taking himself off for the day and giving me a break from him.

You do spend quite a large proportion of the post telling us all about you being “the breadwinner “ which doesn’t seem relevant to the issue about the golf afternoon.

Being the larger earner doesn’t entitle you to making more of the decisions for the family and how you spend your time.

I personally wouldn’t have an issue if my OH wanted and afternoon with the friend to play golf as long as I had the equivalent child free time to do as I please. But having said that, you do come across as being a little high handed about the situation and are linking it to your earnings being higher.

That to me makes me think there are deeper issues in the relationship than an afternoon golfing and that your wife may be feeling irritated by your overall attitude.

Does she suspect that:

1.You suggested Dubai with golf in the back of your mind.
2.You knew a holiday in Dubai would overlap with a golfing buddy being there.

Because if the above two things did partially influence you suggesting Dubai, I can see why she's pissed off. She wanted a family holiday and you saw the opportunity to play golf. I honestly do still think she's being unreasonable on the whole, but if she thinks you have set this up on purpose it might be why she's reacted this way.

She has already replied here!

I personally think your wife is being unreasonable and 1 morning or afternoon playing golf on a 12 day holiday is fine. I do think you need to view yourselves as more of a team in terms of finances etc and make sure she feels that she is valued in terms of her contribution to the household- this probably has something to do with her reaction to your plans.

But she is being way OTT to stop you having a half day to yourself in a 12 day holiday. Maybe this is a reflection of how she feels in day to day life though and how much time she has to herself. Can you address this and encourage her to have more regular time to herself where she can switch off?

Book a 6am tee time, be back late morning. Wife orders room service and has a lazy morning with the kids. Gets them ready for the pool/day and then they all head out together. In the afternoon if she wants to she goes for a massage/facial or otherwise has some time to herself.

I’ve read the wife’s view and going to the friends hotel with all the kids and then getting ready for dinner sounds awful, I agree with her there.

@DisneyBaby Good to hear your side.

I knew it would be leaving you to manage the kids ( busman’s holiday).
He seems to have forgotten Cornwall. And been a bit sneaky booking Dubai with his friend.
The fact he’s written on MN shows he hadn’t listened to you. He also doesn’t “get it”, he still thinks an afternoon’s golf with you babysitting is ok. That’s the man you married, he’s not going to change.
Get a kids club for the older 2 and meet your friend for the afternoon as hers are young. The golfers can do bedtime after dinner.

I'm not keen on language like 'I've booked a holiday for us all' and 'I plan to do x' and I think that's maybe what's annoying your wife. For context, I book (and largely pay for) the holidays in our household, as I am the main breadwinner, but I would never phrase it that way to my husband and kids... it's special time for us all to spend together, as we don't get that day-to-day and the fact I'm able to treat us to that is amazing - I know my husband would do the same, if he earned what I do. I don't think anybody would mind their partner doing their own thing one day, particularly if that were reciprocated... but if it's all being presented to her as some kind of fait accompli... 'I am treating us all to this, but I am doing x and you can do y', I can see how that might feel controlling, as though in paying for the break, you are putting yourself in charge of everyone's time.

Do Dubai hotels not have kids clubs?

Sadly his version isn’t quite the truth though.
He has spoilt previous holidays by making it all about golf. And this one he sneakily booked knowing his golfing buddy was going.
His wife doesn’t get to chose her holidays at all.

I agree with this. In your original plan golf impacted the whole day. This is much better.

Dont know why everyone is piling on. I'm in a similar situation (although obvs not as well off) but my husband loves golf and works hard for our family so it wouldn't bother me in the slightest and I think its really unfair of her to say no to you doing a hobby for 1 day. My husband golfed during our honeymoon in California so I visited the aquarium and walked around and had a great time, he golfed in NY and I saw a Broadway show and went to a museum. This was pre-kids but I'd still let him go and do the same now and I've 2 under 2. I'd just plan something fun for us?
Could it be she doesnt feel safe in dubai with the kids without you?
Maybe she cant be bothered with the other wife?

Rude

"The divorce came out of nowhere" she'll be enjoying some free weekends soon I would imagine.

Wife is being unreasonable it's one afternoon and he has discussed this with you not just told you he's doing it.
Everyone sometimes needs a bit of time to themselves

Exactly this!

’Would you want to go on holiday and work for a bit in between or have the full 10 days as holiday’, that’s what I feels like to me!

I love looking after our children but it can be hard work sometimes. Looking after them together takes the stress out of it and just leaves the fun and quality time.
Him playing golf and leaving me for several hours (it will end up being a minimum of 6 I would say with food and drinks after no doubt and travel time to get there and back), leaves me with the children just the same as at home and it will be harder than at home because we will be around a pool etc and I will have to be extra vigilant. I also don’t want to be confined to the hotel room the whole time.

Selfish because she thinks what she wants out of the holiday is the only thing that’s important. She is framing her husband as someone who doesn’t provide for or prioritise his family when he obviously does, just because he doesn’t fall into line with exactly what she wants. Thats is selfish, and controlling.

You should have told her about the friend being there at the same time time. Unless it's a very close friend I'd not want to meet up with someone on holiday.

I would have a problem with you playing golf but I wouldn't want to have this social arrangement sprung on me with no prior notice.

She's had 3 kids in 6 years, and has a 9 month old, maybe she's feeling self conscious in a swimsuit? When I'm on hols I don't care if a load of strangers see my wobbly tummy but would be mortified if I had to spend the afternoon with a casual aquaintance.

My husband generally has a golf day when we're on holiday.

He, however, does not think I should be grateful to him for earning more than me when I'm on maternity leave with our children.

I think youve had some harsh responses you wouldnt have got if you were a woman.

I do think there could be some truth in looking after 3 LOs is tiring. And maybe theres a part of her wants your support the whole holiday because of that. But pretending work isnt also tiring is unfair. If you carry the load at home generally (im not asking) then its reasonable youre tired too and its not a competion.

But if you were a woman who wanted half a day to herself but her husband told her she couldnt because he wanted to have her and the children with him the whole time a lot of us would think he was controlling and didnt appreciate her right to a treat/need for a break.

That for years youve wanted to do an activity and been told "hmmm maybe" like its being dangled like a treat your spouse may give or snatched away. And for the sake of 1 day to themselves on 1 holiday were told no, its not negotiable.

But the truth is if there isnt a compromise you have to choose stand your ground and have an argument with your wife and let her be mad OR give in and let resentment start. UNLESS you talk to her about WHY this is a deal breaker for her, WHY its important to you WHY it hurts you she wont give you this if her reasoning isnt more than id like us all together all 12 days. And maybe her WHY is reasonable and then you can let it go without resentment or maybe it isnt and you can push why this is important to you and move towards a compromise.

Tbh based your OP I think shes BU not for saying no. That might be reasonable. But for saying no, with no compromise and no explanation beyond I just want you with me (not to do something specific, not because shes saying she cant manage the kids.. etc..) just no i dont want you too.

As a p.s. could you suggest going on a separate trip yourself for 3 days or something if its important THIS holiday is a family one?

So that doesnt say she has all that time off does it? Present means anything from doing it all to being in the house taking a 5 hour shit!

So it still doesnt answer my question does it? There might be reasons she cannot go. He might not let her or she might not have the time to around the children's hobbies etc. So nothing in that answers the question.