Uncompromising holiday disagreement

[MalePoster]

I would like some advice and opinions please, either way - I understand this is generally a place for women to post but I’m struggling to find somewhere that men can ask for similar advice.

Some context and background - I have been with my wife for 15 years, married for nearly 9. We have 3 children, 6 yo, 3 yo and 9 months. For as long as I can remember I have covered all of our bills and outgoings (at least since we started having children) and any income my wife has had over that period has been seen as disposable income, paying for holidays etc.. she is self employed so unfortunately this decreases a little when she is on maternity, such as in the past 9 months.. luckily I have been in position financially to be able to provide a decent lifestyle for us as a family, and I do not see being the breadwinner or the sole earner as a problem, however I do see very little gratitude to this fact from my wife as any time I mention money she thinks I’m holding it against her that I am the sole provider financially. I feel like in our lives, I do not make many demands as a husband, and I’m always more than happy to go on the holidays my wife wants and do activities that she wants us to do. She has been keen on buying a campervan for quite a few years and I’ve even come round to the idea and said I would put my Dads inheritance towards buying the campervan (Dad sadly passed last year).

I have recently booked a luxurious 12 day holiday for us as a family to go Dubai. My wife has been keen on going away for a while and I was just trying to time it right with school and work etc, so booked quite last minute. She had said Dubai would be good, and picked a nice resort hotel after we looked together, which I agreed would be a nice break for us as a family and hence why I booked it.

My personal hobby in life is golf, I play to a decent level and like playing nice courses when I can, without it being too unreasonable and inconsiderate to our family life.

I had mentioned a few times that if we went back to Dubai (went 4 years ago), I would like to play golf once during our trip.. this was usually met with the “we’ll see” “depends on timing” etc, like I am asking for permission. Well after I had booked I said that I would quite like to play golf, and it just so happened that our trip overlaps by 4 days with one of our close friend couples (with kids too) from home (I knew we were going to overlap before I booked but coincidence that they happened to be going at similar time).

I have made the suggestion to my wife that on one of the afternoons that we overlap with our friends, me and the other bloke go and play golf, leaving the wives and children all together somewhere to enjoy each others company etc.. well this has been met with a firm no from my wife, with absolutely no compromise or consideration towards my request, which has actually really annoyed me. She has made it clear that she wants the whole 12 day holiday to be family time together and thinks it’s unreasonable for me to go and play golf with my friend on one afternoon, even if it means she gets to spend time with her friend (who was one of her bridesmaids so a pretty close friend).

I have said that I’m more than happy for her to go and do something for her in return, like a spa morning or similar, but she says she doesn’t want to do that and just wants to spend the whole time as a family. Whilst I fully appreciate that, I do not think it makes me a bad person for wanting to do something for me on our holiday, especially considering all of the background to our relationship that I presented above.

What should I do? I really don’t want to back down for the principle of not being in a controlling relationship, and because I really do not think my request is unreasonable or inconsiderate to her or our children when considering the whole situation/scenario at play.

Thanks in advance

I think you've iced this cake yourself. There is no evidence of a sense of entitlement in the OP.

Only read the first page but this is very controlling of the wife and crazy that people are defending it in the comments, of course it’s not a big deal to have a bit of time to yourself and play golf for a few hours out of 12 days. Absolutely mental the amount of control some people want to have over their partner

I wouldn’t begrudge this at all, and I’d be mighty pissed off if I wanted to do or see something on holiday and my husband banned me.

You sound implacable. No wonder she needs to be so uncompromising. And you are not in a controlling relationship FFS.

Your children are 6 yo, 3 yo and 9 months. She is exhausted. It is far easier being at work than looking after 3 DC’s esp at those ages. She is perfectly reasonable to want a family holiday for the entire holiday and for you to not fuck off to play golf for once.

Even coming onto MN seeking ‘advice’ (you’re not, you’re seeking validation for feeling aggrieved) reeks of the MMS. Just go and enjoy being with your family and focus on them. Is that so hard to do? Your wife will love you for it.

He just wants a game of golf.

You say the wife can make her own decisions. Absolutely, she can and should.

Just like he can and should have one game of golf if he wants.

I would bet my house that she doesn't get a regular one day every weekend to herself.

So every woman coming on to “MN” seeking “advice” is not seeking validation to their argument?? Or are they justified because they are mothers/wives…

Don't worry OP, women get handed their arse as well if they fail to see their own faults.

Not sure if this is a sarcastic comment or not, but yes I would love a game of golf on our holiday in Dubai.. in return I am more than happy to wait on hand and foot for my wife and children’s needs for the remainder of the holiday, and I’d enjoy the family time together whilst doing so..

I am more than happy to wait on hand and foot for my wife and children’s needs for the remainder of the holiday

What you are failing to understand OP is what your wife is telling you. Forgoing your precious golf would mean more to her than that. She doesn't need you to wait on her hand and foot. She just needs to know that you value her more.

And from how you started this post about you being the big earner and her not being grateful enough, it's easy to see that you don't value her. She is right. But sure, go ahead and and complain and play your golf and don't be surprised if one day she votes with her feet.

She has literally told you what the problem is. You're just not open minded enough to hear it.

So you get at least a half day every weekend to do your hobby.

Does your wife also get a half day to herself to leave the home and go do whatever it is during the kids waking hours?

If so, what does she come home to? Does she come back to kids who haven’t been fed properly and a house that’s a mess?

Would you reply in the same way if I was not allowing her to peruse a hobby or spend some time on her own whilst we are on a family holiday?

Well this just reads like you dont think your wife should get time to herself because shes not the "breadwinner"

He has clearly said he expects she should also have time to herself, and that the wife (for some weird reason I can’t comprehend) is refusing this.

If I were to say no, she can do whatever she would like and she would come home to a well fed family and a spotless house, then what?

I can't quite fathom why you DW is demanding your attendance 24/7 in family life on holiday. It's perfectly reasonable of you both to take advantage of the fact there will be no interruptions from work etc., to just have an afternoon off from family life.

You are avoiding the point. It's not about her not 'allowing' you. You are a grown man, you can make your own decisions. You are just petulant that she is going to be annoyed with you for prioritising golf yet again.

How about this. A little experiment. How about you say to her, you know what, I don't need to play golf, let's do something else together instead.

But you won't do that will you. Because she is right. It is true. Your golf is more important than your marriage.

@MalePoster I agree with others that the additional detail isn’t needed in the context of your ultimate AIBU question. That said, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to take one morning/afternoon out from a 12 night family holiday to play golf with a friend.

Perhaps you could offer for your wife to have an additional day/half day to herself while you’re away? You watch the kids and she can go shopping, book in for a pamper or simply have a lie in and the chance to read her book in peace! At least this feels like an intentional effort to prioritise her and give her some dedicated me time, rather than just as a means of facilitating your hobby.

I do have sympathy OP. Whilst not a golfer, I am an Everton Season Ticket Holder, essentially meaning that between the end of August and mid May every year, my weekends (and some midweek evenings), and by default my husband’s weekend’s, are at the whim of the fixture schedule. It can certainly cause tensions at times.

Summer just gone was our 6th wedding anniversary and we’d booked a trip to Barcelona for mid-August, somehow without me even thinking about the football calendar. Once I’d realised, I was adamant that if we had a home draw for the opening fixture, we would need to move our trip. I explained that as this would be our very first match in our new stadium and a once in a lifetime experience, I wasn’t prepared to miss it….even for an anniversary trip.

Initially my husband was not very pleased about this and we had some arguments, with him feeling I was prioritising football over him and our relationship. After a number of conversations and me reassuring him to the contrary, he did eventually agree we could move the trip should there be a clash when the fixtures were published. Thankfully I didn’t need to find out how sincere he was as our first game was away at Leeds!

Absolutely right. It's very unhealthy. Any psychologist or couple's therapist would tell you that. This woman sounds unhealthily controlling and resentful..I wouldnt want to be in a relationship with ANYONE who wanted to dictate what I do with 100% of my holiday time. It's quite creepy.

You tell us golf is your hobby. You very obviously get time to yourself so cut the self pitying bullshit about don’t I deserve any time. My dh would love to spend weekends golfing but he doesn’t because he is busy parenting and cleaning with me.
how much time does your wife get on her own on any given week, how often are you playing golf, and how do you contribute to family life when she is out? Because if you feed your dc the dinner she made and gets them to bed, it doesn’t count if she gets home and has to do the evening pick up and wash the dishes and fold some laundry. Mums don’t go out much when they just have to catch up on the work when they get back, it’s too hard.

this line got me ‘she is self employed so unfortunately this decreases a little when she is on maternity’. No shit Sherlock, she isn’t getting paid while she cares for a newborn and a 3 & 6 year old around the clock. I have a great career and a great job and I didn’t get paid some of the time I was on maternity leave. But if you were married to me you’d be sprinting off from work early to pick up the kids coming home cooking dinner and running them through the shower, unpacking their bags, and at 10pm you’d be tidying the house with me, getting up at 4:30 to put the slow cooker on and get to work because that’s what my dh does to make both of us working possible.

so on the face of it you should both get time off on your holiday, but there’s a lot of hmmm she is rightly fed up coming from your post.

But does she?

If she actually gets half a day to herself every week and comes home to the kids and house being cared for to the same standard that she would, then I think it’s fair enough to have some golf in your holiday.

if you ‘offer’ her to have a half day to herself but she doesn’t take you up on it then that’s different. I’d be assuming that if she wouldn’t take you up on its because her break away from the kids and home ends up being more work for her and so she may as well stay at home anyways.

It doesn't seem at all unreasonable to me, unless there's some reason why she no longer wants to spend time with this couple. Maybe explore that a little. Otherwise, my only other thought is that when you're with this friend, is she worried that golf will turn into a lot more, golf, three hours of drinks and then ending up spending the next three days with them?

A simple round of golf doesn't seem unreasonable.

I haven't RTWT, but your first post drips with barely-concealed self-importance and entitlement. I really don't want to read the rest.

This is one of those threads where the vote tells a better story than the comments.

It is ridiculously controlling to try and dictate what a partner does for every minute of a 12 day holiday. Both partners need autonomy and an ability to compromise. A marriage shouldn’t be a prison.

(I think holidaying in Dubai is morally dubious, but that’s for another thread).

Everyone needs a little space for themselves every now and again. One day out of twelve doesn't sound that unreasonable to me..

Perhaps try and talk to her again expressing how much it means to you. A good marriage should be about give and take.

I think if you were a woman writing this the comments would be very different indeed.