DP just isn't interested in DS

[Karma1387]

I'm not sure if this is a AIBU or just looking for advice.

I have an almost 2 year old son and another due in a few weeks. My partner is just so unengaged with him. They don't get to spend a lot of time together due to DP working nights and having sleep apnea so he needs plenty of sleep in the day.

Whenever I try to give them some time together I am constantly having to nudge him to talk to DS or play with him. He usually ends up staring into space or reading on his phone or falling asleep. It makes me a bit sad he isn't more interested in him as he doesn't get a lot of time with him to bond.

DP is going to be on toddler duty full time for 6 weeks when DC2 is born due to me having an elective C section. I am worried about if DS is going to get enough attention and engagement or if I am going to have to try to juggle DS and the baby whilst recovering from the C section whilst DP has 6 weeks off work.

Is this normal for dads with young children? Does it get better as the kids get older and they find mutual interests? He just doesn't seem to be able to engage or doesn't know what to do with him. He struggled with initial bonding when dc1 was born due to depression so I'm not sure if thats caused an impact.

I feel bad nagging him about spending time with DS as he is the main/ only earner so ai appreciate hes tired but I want my kids to have a good relationship with their dad.

So I guess am I unreasonable to keep nagging about his lack of interest? Or do I need to just accept that they wont have as close relationship with him as they do me?

If DC2 is like DS there wont be much sleeping during the day. I was feeding every 30 mins- hr and he would only sleep on me! But I might get lucky and get a good sleeper this time! It doesn't help I am the opposite of my partner and I take a good hour to fall asleep even when I am exhausted.

Bedtimes are going to be really hard and its the 1 part I do worry about. Or if DS has another sleep regression but I just have to work that out somehow. Its taken this long ti get DS to sleep I don't want to risk ruining it by changing who does it.

Unfortunately Chat GPT is only suggesting the things we already know or have tested for except diabetes thats the only thing not tested for that it suggests as a possible cause.

So not much to help push the GP with 😕

I honestly don’t think Dad sounds bad. My reflections below, I don’t mean to come across harsh, but I think his health is a major aspect here, and I think you need to look at how you have contributed too (all with good and rational intentions).

1. You cut 30k off your household income and he’s had to pick up the financial slack with a night shift job which is damaging his health. In your shoes I would have stayed at work and pushed for him to work days, even if it meant a pay cut. Better for his health and his relationship with the kids given the difficulties he has.
2. You have prioritised your time with your DS at the expense of DP realistically getting time.
3. Refusing to allow DP and DS to sort out nap and bedtimes is a red flag for me. This is an excellent bonding opportunity, difficult transition yes, but having a child who will only be put to bed by you is bad for their relationship and will ultimately bite you later on. Esp with second child. What will happen when you are in hospital?!? You need to prioritise them having a relationship where DS feels he can rely on DP at bedtime. Otherwise you are subtly telling DS that DP is just the ‘other parent’. When my kids were small DP did almost all bedtimes once they weren’t being BF to sleep. Going forward post mat leave this should be done as shifts allow to continue it. Bonding through play is fine, but imho the strongest bond comes through those intimate moments such as bedtime. It might be difficult at first but your DS is 2 and no longer a baby. You won’t need two years of work.
4. You have done very specific expectations based on your own Dad’s parenting style. You need to let your DP and DS develop their own unique relationship. Sounds like getting out the house and being very active is better for both of them. I’d forget the playful toys things, that can be your thing if you like. If DP is doing childcare on your days at work, bath times, cooking on his days off and other practical stuff I think you can let some stuff slide, let him be his own type of parent. I (a mum) struggled with playing with my kids too. Things like brio/wooden train and duplo yes, lots of other types of playing no.

TLDR- you need to prioritise DPs health, this might mean you going back to work more hours after mat
leave, meanwhile let DP into DS’s full life, not just the play role you have defined for him.

Do you have his previous bloods on the NHS app - what the doctor marked as normal may not be optimal and need supplementing. He definitely needs a full blood work up again to investigate why he is so tired (inc getting an appt to the sleep clinic- ours have drop in sessions once a week)

Thank you for your reply. Ill address your points in order.

1- My partner didn't go onto nights after my mat leave. He went onto nights because he had to take a demotion after losing his licence and not being able to commute to his role and at the time only a night vacancy was available. I couldn't continue in my old role due to the hours so either way I would have had to have a big paycut and if I worked full time childcare would use up all my wage anyway so that doesn't really help. But we do know long term he needs to find a day vacancy once it is affordable to do so.

2- my partner was working 15 odd hour shifts sometimes 6 days a week in his previous role so he didn't really have time when in that role either so it wasn't about prioritising me having time with DS at his expense. His previous role didnt give him that time anyway.

3- my partner is off for 6 weeks and then goes back to only seeing DS fully 1 day a week. I will then be left with a toddler and newborn all day and night. If the routine and peace I have spent 2 years trying to get with DS sleeping gets ruined in that 6 weeks by forcing a new routine how is that beneficial for me, toddler or baby when we then have to deal with the evenings and nights on our own again?

4- yes I agree I need to let him find his own way and parenting style.

As I said me working more hours wouldn't solve our issue of not being able to afford for him to drop nights at the moment as nursery costs would be insane and eat all my wage.

Nursery for 2 kids full time would be nearly 15k after tax free chiildcare and free hours. So if I started a new career at the bottom we would be £600 worse off after paying daycare. If you then added a 8k paycut to my partner moving from nights to days you would be looking at about 1000-1200 loss each month. I dont think thats going to lower anyones stress levels or help either of us sleep.

So currently whilst it isnt ideal for his health nights financially makes sense. As soon as we are able to take him off nights we will.

but DP and DS being able to bond at bedtime even once a week is the benefit. Plus you are assuming it will ruin things, why? He’ll probably still be fine when you put him to bed, and will grow to be fine when DP puts him to bed. He’s 2, not a tiny BF newborn.

its not even realistic to believe DP won’t need to do bedtimes at all over the next 6 weeks. You’ll have a newborn, who will likely need a quite high level of attention from you around bedtime.

you need to learn to share parenting duties, even if it’s difficult in the short term. I speak from bitter experience. It’s better for everyone, including you, in the long term.

I'm not sure if they are still on there as it was almost 2 years ago but I double checked them when he had them done and all looked fine.

But he is going to ask for another full blood workup. It doesn't look like the hospital he had his tests done at does drop in sessions. I will get him to call them and see if he needs another GP referral or if they can make him an appointment just to double check his equiptment.

I say it will ruin things as we hsve tried to get DP to do bedtime when I have been ill or suffering badly with the pregnancy and my toddler wont go down for him without screaming for ages and I cant mentally cope listening to him scream for me. I know people will say 'suck it up' or 'he will stop crying eventually'but I just cant do it.

The newborn wont have a bedtime and DS bedtime routine doesnt take ages so I am hoping I can make it work especially as I will have to make it work when my partner goes back to work.

Really ? Didn't apply to either myself or my best friend who both worked full time as single parents with 3 kids each. You learn to manage your own situation. And OP Adoesnt actually seem unhappy at looking after the kids and has financial support on top of her own wages from her DH

Actually UC would likely help pick up where his salary decreases until his health situation improves. That £8k would get bumped up in UC payments perhaps not quite that amount but close enough. Why not calculate it on the benefits calculator things you get online?

Your partner working day time will likely improve his health.

I have just done a benefits calculator and even with a 10k paycut we arent entitled to anything with our earnings!

Couldn’t you work part-time and use the free hours/tax free childcare? You would only need to cover the 8k salary drop so working p/t it seems likely you could cover the shortfall. I also don’t know why you’d have to start you career from scratch, if you were previously in a 30k role, couldn’t you aim to go back to that? You’ve only had a two year break, only 3 if you stay off for the next 12 months.

in your shoes I’d be most worried that my DP is seriously ill and that he could end up unable to work at all for a period of time due the the amount of stress working nights with sleep apnea and potentially other conditions will be putting his body under.

Ultimately there isn’t an easy solution, but it sounds like there is way more going on here than a Dad who isn’t interested in his kid. You will need to work as a couple to identify what your goals are and what needs to change in order to improve his health, his bond with your DC and relieve the pressure on you of being the only parent who can do the core parents jobs like bedtime. There are choices you have to make as a couple.

I already work part time ( well on mat leave at the moment) I do the 2 nights that my partner doesn't.

I would have to start from the bottom in a different career as my job was also retail management same as my partner and the hours don't work with childcare unfortunately.

I think I have been very unfair on my partner in this post though and need to focus on how to support him so he can be a good dad.

Also it won’t take you 6 weeks to recover from a c section. I had a slow recovery considering and it was a week. I was fine on the Sunday I went home and managed the pain with codeine from the hospital. You will be walking about at a week absolute latest.

I have had a c section previously. Its not so much about general recovery I think i was able to move after 2-3 weeks. Its the not being able to pick DS up or play with him the way he wants thats going to be hard.

It was worth a try, like others I am trying to look at other options for you. You working more might be the only viable option so your partner gets respite if sleep apnoea is this severe. Night shift work could be seen as detrimental to his long term health.

I have been trying to look into the ability to work more but so far the childcare costs are dibilitating and make us even worse off.

@ does he engage with you OP? Are you getting what you need from a partner? He sounds incredibly self absorbed. I suspect you and he have very different expectations of his six weeks off.. he may be viewing it as a ‘holiday’ whereas for you it will be a time of healing, bonding with babe, helping your toddler adjust. He needs to take care of you and toddler so you can focus on the baby. I’m not sure he is capable of responding to the needs of a child though.

Don't have time to read whole thread but I fear you'll be roasted on here for having a 2nd child with someone who was a waste of space the first time round!

We don't get a huge amount of time together but he does the little things that matter to me like buying me my cravings etc.

I think he knows what the six weeks is going to be like. I know hes looking forward to getting the chance to cook!

He wasn't a waste of space. He was depressed, had a sleep condition he wasnt aware of and works hard to financially support us.

The thread has made me realise I have been veey infair to him and he needs my support to figure out his health issues. We have had a very serious chat tonight and he has admitted hes not been feeling mentally great so he will ask to go back on his meds before baby comes.

I'm blunt. He needs to check the Cpap machine and so on. Then step the fuck up. He needs to engage with child otherwise what is the point in him? Sorry OP but this is the reality.

His CPAP pressure seems fine but hes going to ask for an appointment with the hospital to check the data.

Hes also going to go back on his meds and get some bloods done to see if anything else is wrong.

Hes a good partner who doesnt have a lot of time and energy and based on this thread needs some more support rather than my interferance.

Exactly what I was thinking.