DP just isn't interested in DS

[Karma1387]

I'm not sure if this is a AIBU or just looking for advice.

I have an almost 2 year old son and another due in a few weeks. My partner is just so unengaged with him. They don't get to spend a lot of time together due to DP working nights and having sleep apnea so he needs plenty of sleep in the day.

Whenever I try to give them some time together I am constantly having to nudge him to talk to DS or play with him. He usually ends up staring into space or reading on his phone or falling asleep. It makes me a bit sad he isn't more interested in him as he doesn't get a lot of time with him to bond.

DP is going to be on toddler duty full time for 6 weeks when DC2 is born due to me having an elective C section. I am worried about if DS is going to get enough attention and engagement or if I am going to have to try to juggle DS and the baby whilst recovering from the C section whilst DP has 6 weeks off work.

Is this normal for dads with young children? Does it get better as the kids get older and they find mutual interests? He just doesn't seem to be able to engage or doesn't know what to do with him. He struggled with initial bonding when dc1 was born due to depression so I'm not sure if thats caused an impact.

I feel bad nagging him about spending time with DS as he is the main/ only earner so ai appreciate hes tired but I want my kids to have a good relationship with their dad.

So I guess am I unreasonable to keep nagging about his lack of interest? Or do I need to just accept that they wont have as close relationship with him as they do me?

And what ‘help’ were you considering? Nagging won’t work.

I think it's quite common for men not to be keen on playing with very young children. Maybe you could think about giving him a teach-in on what to do. Also, maybe he could take him to an activity, maybe swimming or something that they can subsequently share. A few hours at the beach could be an opportunity to spot things using one of those I spy books.

He said he was happy to have a second.

Sure he was - you do all the work

I do all the work as I am at home so thats to be expected.

Your DP works nights and sleeps all day, he definitely needs Vit D as a bare minimum. He should get his bloods done to see what he is lacking in and address it asap. Not enough daylight is depression inducing. I certainly wouldn't have started a bigger family in this situation

This might be a bit of a tangent but...I wondered if it's your first c section.
I stayed 2/3 nights in hospital, had morphine for one night only and after that there was minimal pain, paracetamol worked. Had to be a bit careful for a while but was fairly able around the house within a week or two. Had a toddler with the new baby. Breast fed. Had support to begin with very soon it was manageable.
Absolutely follow all the medical advice- and I realise it's a bit tangential to the post - but I just wanted to share how it was for me.
Wishing you all the best. X

We learn to play with our children from our parents - if he never had that he will find it difficult - as your son gets older there will be more choice of things he can do with him. What about play dough? Arty things can they do something like your husband makes things along side him or paints/draws - it doesn't matter what it looks like. Sand/water play? I'm just trying to think of something they can do together that your son would like and your husband could deal with?

This will be my second c section. My first was an emergency and I was kept in for a week as I had 2 seizures. I think I was on oral morphine for the first week. Not sure what I had after that but I didn't have a toddler so I could mainly stay in bed with the baby so I am a little nervous I have to admit as I'm not sure what it will be like with a toddler too. I definitely wont be able to stay in bed he would knock my door down 🤣

He has been trying playdough recently. My son however thinks its purpose it to pull it apart and throw it in the bin 🤣.

I think they will figure it out. He has finally admitted hes feeling a bit numb at the moment so he is going to request to go back on his meds so hopefully he will start feeling a bit brighter and engaged.

He wants to improve and thats the main thing for me. He isnt very good at communicating when hes not in a good place so I am glad I managed to get him to open up a bit tonight.

He takes vitamins daily but he is going to ask for his bloods to be rechecked as well.

He was in quite a good place when I got pregnant which is why we went ahead with it. He was getting ready to come off the meds. He had DS once a week whilst I slept after work and they seemed okay but DS was a lot less active and wasnt really at the entertain me part of life. He had just learnt to walk so it was easy to entertain. He also used to go out with family a lot on his day off.

I think I have realised he is depressed again (as you say I suspect working nights plus the dark gloomy weather to be a big cause) and he has acknowledged it is probably true so hes going to request his meds again. Hopefully with his meds, 6 weeks off work and the days getting longer he will see some improvement again.

Well everyone's experience is different. But I had 2 planned - for various reasons- and they both went absolutely smoothly and the only pain was the operation scar which was more discomfort actually. Nothing like the emergency experience. X

I have read the planned ones tend to go a lot smoother. I think all of it is just making me stressed and I am taking the frustration out on my partner.

I don't really want a c section and its been hard for me to accept. I just dont want to hurt DS's feelings by not being able to give him everything I do currently.

No advice other than don’t have any more kids with him, OP. Not if you want to maintain some semblance of a life of your own, with time for your own interests, hobbies, social life, etc @Karma1387

I don't have any social life, hobbies or interests outside of my son so that isn't a factor for me on if we have more kids.

There are other factors which would need to be different for me to have more as much as I want more but my own personal life isnt of interest. I dont see anyone or do anything personally.

I’m concerned about the sleep apnea. I also suffer from it but with a CPAP with a well fitting mask mine is under control. I don’t need extra sleep, I don’t fall asleep driving and I wouldn’t fall asleep looking after a child. If his apnea isn’t under control, he shouldn’t drive and should speak to the CPAP nurse or see his consultant.

@Karma1387

thats not ok though! You need interests, hobbies, people etc outside of your son and your role as a mother. What did you like before becoming a parent? Try to get back into that? You matter too 💐

You really need to change this set-up start leaving the kids with him he has to learn.

I didn't do anything before having my son. Besides work that was all I did, I don't really do the whole socialisation thing or going out. Any spare time I had was with my partner or dog.

I wouldnt have a need to leave him with the kids. I don't go anywhere so there isnt a need to leave him alone. He used to take DS out over the summer when I was sleeping after work but I don't do anything other than that. And for the next year I am on maternity leave so once I am recovered I imagine we will make the most of getting to all go out together on his day off before we go back to not having a day all together.

He is a million times better than he was. He doesn't have issues driving now and as long as he gets a good sleep he is okay until early evening on his day off which is when he will nod off if not actively engaged in something.

It used to be before he got the mask thay even if he was engaged playing a computer game he wall fall asleep. Now its only if hes been up for say 10-12 hours and his brain isnt engaged.

But I do think hes depressed again so I think that may be a factor.

DH loves playing with and spending time with DS. I on the other hand love being outside and doing things with DS but if I have to put one more car down a garage ramp. No time for that. Different parents like different things. Maybe he needs to go outside to connect with DS more. A change of environment maybe. Also elective c sections. You will be able to be more active than you think if all goes well.

How did you ever meet him if you didn't go anywhere or do anything. That sounds rather worrying to me but I suppose if you are happy....

Yes, depression will cause issues with sleep/sleepiness. Will he see anyone about that?

Although he doesnt have a CPAP nurse? I do want him to have a review as hes lost about 15kg in weight since he got the mask and hasnt had a review since his first a month after getting the mask. Is the lack of scheduled reviews normal?

I have epilepsy and have a review at least once a year. I am amazed its been over a year and there hasnt been any follow up.