DP just isn't interested in DS

[Karma1387]

I'm not sure if this is a AIBU or just looking for advice.

I have an almost 2 year old son and another due in a few weeks. My partner is just so unengaged with him. They don't get to spend a lot of time together due to DP working nights and having sleep apnea so he needs plenty of sleep in the day.

Whenever I try to give them some time together I am constantly having to nudge him to talk to DS or play with him. He usually ends up staring into space or reading on his phone or falling asleep. It makes me a bit sad he isn't more interested in him as he doesn't get a lot of time with him to bond.

DP is going to be on toddler duty full time for 6 weeks when DC2 is born due to me having an elective C section. I am worried about if DS is going to get enough attention and engagement or if I am going to have to try to juggle DS and the baby whilst recovering from the C section whilst DP has 6 weeks off work.

Is this normal for dads with young children? Does it get better as the kids get older and they find mutual interests? He just doesn't seem to be able to engage or doesn't know what to do with him. He struggled with initial bonding when dc1 was born due to depression so I'm not sure if thats caused an impact.

I feel bad nagging him about spending time with DS as he is the main/ only earner so ai appreciate hes tired but I want my kids to have a good relationship with their dad.

So I guess am I unreasonable to keep nagging about his lack of interest? Or do I need to just accept that they wont have as close relationship with him as they do me?

You keep saying you wonder if your do needs longer to learn, but does he want to?

You can learn anything but if you don't have a desire to spend time with your own child, skills aren't going to help.

I think he wants to learn and I can see hes making an effort. I'm just not sure how to help him as he isn't naturally silly or playful.

I think your partner is getting a hard time on here - your title doesn't help because it doesn't sound like he isn't actually interested in DS. Instead I'm getting the impression that he is hard working and tired and also not a naturally playful person. I also wonder if he is young like you? And you sound like a very loving mother and partner who is stressing about the upcoming birth of your child and the impacts that will have on your older boy (some guilt there maybe..). Your partner doesn't need to parent like Bluey's dad to be a great dad, I don't think my DH ever did imaginative play and our DC are well adjusted teens with a fantastic relationship with their dad. I get wanting to help your partner but I also worry you are going to damage his confidence if you don't let him find his own way.

That's great then, I'm so glad because I wasn't sure how interested he was from your previous posts.
What does your dp like doing himself? Is there any way he can share that time with your ds?
So he doesn't have to force himself to play or be silly, but just share his time and space in a more child -centric way.

Some eg going for walks, letting ds "help daddy" in a safe way eg cooking, pulling up weeds, digging, going to museums, folding towels, looking at trains online.(My son was train obsessed at that age!) etc

I would start him now doing the things you normally do for DS like bath, bed time , meals and you mentioned your son won't even walk to car with out you, get him used to doing it with your partner now before baby comes or it will be a shock for DS and difficult for all and he will likely resent the baby for the change. Also your partner should just take him out, walk around the block, parks, soft play, libary etc he needs to get used to doing things alone with him without you being there to fall back on they will find thier own grove . You will have a small baby that will be taking up your time and attention your DS is going to sttuggle with that if your his sole care giver and doing everything for him then your suddenly not so inolved, so its really essential your partner steps it up right now to make the transition easier for all

This is a good idea. I was and still am absolutely crap at kids make believe games but did get them to help with laundry cooking, take them to park/ museums/ bus rides etc. . And became the hairdressing customer while they plaited and combed my hair etc

Not everyone is the same And if you think of it ( especially those born before the 90s ) did parents actually spend that much time " getting down. On the floor" to play? I really cannot recall it happening in anyone I knew

Besides working the only other thing he does is play some games on his computer so not quite a toddler activity but something I am sure they will enjoy together when hes older.

I think they will need to just get out and about so they can spend time together without it being too play based.

He could help with some of that stuff 1 day a week until baby arrives except bedtime as I don't want to risk ruining that!

He will need to take DS out during his paternity leave on DS will probably go a bit crazy if not. Hopefully the weather starts to improve.

I do need to let him put DS in the car without me. I just feel horrible as he cries and shouts for me. I hate sending him to nursery upset.

I think so too. Just go about your normal life. Bonding happens when you go to buy milk or take the car to the car wash, even sorting the recycling or raking leaves. He must do normal things like all other adults do so he just have to let your son join in.

Ill be honest he doesn't do any of that! With only 1 day off he doesn't do normal household things. He grabs shopping when he finishes work or I online shop.

But I am going to get DS a toddler tower for his birthday so perhaps DS can help him cook on his day off.

But he doesn't work 24 hours a day on the days he does work, how is he getting away with only working, sleeping, playing video games and reading on his phone? I'm now thinking the issue isn't that he doesn't know how to be a dad, he doesn't even know how to be an adult. Doing one thing with your child once a week is far to little, it will never amount to any kind of bond. A week is a long time for a 2 year old.

He rarely gets to play his games. Usually only during DS naptime on his day off. He usually only gets an hour maybe 2 on his work days which I reserve for him spending some time with DS/ eating and getting ready. He will does do things on his day off if I need him to but I try to let him have a bit of down time as well.

He does do nursery drop off and pick up on the 3 days he goes for me so I don't have to.

But honestly I am the one at home so I do most of the household stuff.

He leaves for work about 8.45. DS is usually in bed between 7-8 if he hasnt napped too much although earlier on nursery days as he doesnt nap long there.

He then doesn't get home until around 9am. He then eats and if hes not spending time with DS in the morning he will go to bed around 10am and I leave him to try to sleep until 6 ish. So he gets an hour or so with DS and bath time before hes off to bed and eats and gets ready to go.

On non bath days he will try to have an hour or so with him in the morning instead (although he finds that a bit harder as he is tired) and goes to bed a bit later and then sleeps later so doesn't see DS before bed.

so your partner rescued you from a bad place and you repaid him by getting pregnant twice because you want kids and effectively forcing him to work nights for extra cash to make up for your lost cash from chucking your job. which is effectively killing him.

well that all sounds peachy.
sorry op but once was bad enough but twice?

you need to stop putting your needs, scratch that, your wants, first. youre a family now allegedly. so that comes first.

his top priority is his health. get him to the gp asap. he needs to stop eating crap, lose weight, get his sleep sorted and get a day job asap. The one he has is not helping him. Hes ill and all youre concerned about is your own health after c section and your coping strategy. He needs off nightshift now.

with regard to his bonding with his child perhaos you could show him how to play. all of you sit in the middle of the floor NO DEVICES. it’ll be uncomfy so nobody will be falling asleep. Show him how to play and engage with DC. Then he takes dc to the park or for ice cream or somethimg. it has to be done every day though so it becomes routine to go out with daddy even if just for half an hour as hes unwell. he needs to spend as much time as possible bonding now as your dc needs to know hes ok to do stuff with and be happy with, or dc will resent the new screaming pink thing in the crib which is taking you away from him and may try and take matters into his own hands to dispose of said pink thing….

make plans now to cut back on spending to manage without the £8k he brings in from nightshift. the guys not fit for that just now.

I didn't MAKE my partner work nights. He had to step down from his daytime role when he lost his licence from falling asleep at the wheel before his diagnosis! The only vacancy available near us that was commutable by bus at the time was nights so he went for that.

Daytime vacancies arent just hanging around us right now so for the time being he is stuck working nights. 8k is also an insane amount of money to lose especially whilst I am on maternity leave so realistically we cant cut enough off our expenses to make that doable at the moment.

For 1 my partner sits on the floor in the middle of the room. This does not stop him falling asleep. His whole body just hangs forwards as he snores away. His body doesn't care if hes comfortable or not.

Everyday just isnt feasible for him to take him out. He only has an hour or so on his working days and thats usually taken up by dinner and bath time which they do together.

I will be doing everything I can so my son doesn't feel pushed out by me when DC2 arrives but we cant magically change my partners working pattern and create time for an amazing bond.

And yes when my c section is in 3 weeks funnily enough it is at the front of my mind. I have been trying to help with the weight loss and he has lost some but it isnt easy (especially with a pregnant partner who just wants to eat crap)

I honestly don’t understand how you plan to do everything by yourself with 2 young kids, a toddler and a baby? Is there going to be regular family help? Or babysitters?

I think you are really underestimating how hard it is.

People manage with more kids alone all the time. So I'm sure the OP is capable

But they are usually burnt out and miserable

DS goes to nursery 3 days a week so I will get a little bit of 1-1 with baby on those days.

I know nothing about it is going to be easy. A baby and 2 year old will be a challenge but I'm sure most people have partners who work all day and have to cope.

I di have to agree. Don't most women on maternity leave or stay at home parents just get on with looking after multiple children? I don't think many people have a huge network of people around to help whilst their partners are at work?

Also I’m sorry but what you are describing sounds very wrong. It’s not normal to just flop and fall asleep on the floor in any position from a bit of inactivity or boredom to the point that he can’t help himself and his body just flops. You need to push for more diagnosis. it can be dismissed as sleep apnea issues but it can something else entirely, with doctors just pinning it on sleep apnea.

slightly different example: my mom was constantly tired and would have long naps and go to bed early and just basically exhausted. I was telling her it’s not normal and she was just dismissing as old age (despite being in the late 60ies).
eventually it turned out she had a chronic chest infection with no symptoms like cough or fever - just ongoing infection eroding her lungs and tiring her out.

mega course of antibiotics later she was a different person.

use chatGPT to give you possible avenues so then you can press a GP for tests and referrals

My partner has asthma so I would assume it would be veey obvious if he had a chest infection. Especially as he has been like this for years.

But I don't disagree that I think there is something else going on. The CPAP has helped an incredible amount but I do think there is something else going on. He is going to go to the doctors for some more blood tests to check his levels again and hopefully push them to check for diabetes. I'm not really sure how much more we can push it from there but we will see what the initial bloods show and if nothing we will have to go from there.

Ah ok, if DS goes to nursery then you’ll get some respite. Make sure YOU catch up on
sleep on these days when your baby sleeps! (No guarantees that your DS and will be having a nap at the same time
so make the most of these 3 days please! Otherwise you’ll burn out)

want i meant is not the time when the partners are at work. Most people have partners who are at work during the day but who can help in the morning, in the evening with the bedtime, and sometimes pick up a slack at night if needed.

what you are describing is your partner not being around for ANY of that except 1 hour in the morning, AND you want to do bedtime for both baby and toddler by yourself whether he’s there or not. Hoe are you going to do bedtime when your baby is screaming?

Chat gpt only really suggests the things we already know.

Lifestyle (we know that needs work)

Sleep apnea (already on CPAP)

Thyroid issues which he was previously checked for but we will ask them to check again.

Diabetes which I want to push them to test for!

And psychological such as stress, anxiety and depression but he says he feels okay in this regard.

i don’t meant that your partner has a chest infection per se.
you need to be really pushy with GPs.
talk to chatGPT, describe all possible symptoms, ask for what can it be tested (not just diabetes - I haven’t known people with diabetes to flop like that - if they do they are about to go into a coma).
it will even give you script how to insist.